Thursday, December 31, 2009

Movies News: Summer 2010

more crap this summer


Anthony Hopkins returns as Hannibal Lector in "Hannibal Versus The Werewolves." We can look forward to good Doctor, a strapping 72 years of age, taking out a heavily armed Special Air Service platoon with a safety razor, some dental floss and a moss-covered pavement stone. Kevin McKidd is the only survivor and epilogue headline reads, "Old Guy Shaved Our Balls To The Wall!"

Ben Kingsley's legion of enthusiasts will love the return of this ham that won't die in Elegy2:2Elegiac2Furious. We will all look forward to crying at this moving scene, with the lovely Consuela afflicted with cancer (again).

Really Old Dude to Penelope Cruz: Consuela, you can't do [breast cancer] this alone (again). Penelope Cruz to really old dude: Will you still fuck me if I lose my of my breasts? Really Old Dude: Are you shitting me? I'm Ben Fucking Kingsley, the greatest actor in the world! I can grab a 17 year old strumpet with TWO TITS any day of the week! Luck with the whole cancer thing!

Will Old Guy Keep Rooting Youger Woman Or Ditch Her For Aborted Fetus?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hello, I am Prince Nambooku of Nigeria.

I need a generous American spirit to help me transfer cash to Citibank in order that I may blow up one of your wonderful commercial airliners full of godless heretics. Thank you hellbound Satanists and I pray that Allah may watch over you always.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Old Cunt Wants Her Tits!

Selma Crudgewinkle, aged 80, and life-long resident of Supine Illinois is angry. Angry about health reform. "I need my tits, you fucking commie bastards!" she screamed at her congressman earlier this year. Will the government try to steal her mammograms and her tits? Write now to your congressional representative and demand that ALL of our tits be saved, that mammograms start early and never end, because nothing matters more than a disease which is nearly untreatable and certainly is not curable.


Puzzle Corner: The Sunday Puzzle.

 noose.bmp Welcome To Puzzle Corner!

From Stephen, Australia: “What is a nickel? Is it like a tuppence?  and can you make it a prolonged and time-consuming response? I like to enjoy my tedium, thank you very much.    


A "nickel" is like a "tuppence", except that you multiply the "tupp" by 10, divide it by the 5000th of a league, cube the result, then add pi rounded to the 10000000th place, subtract the size of Meryl Streep's narcissism measured in astronomical units, and divide by Condaleezza Rice's compassion + the 10th root of 99 (remember: you can't divide by Zero). Then multiply by zero and add five. (Answer below.)


Answer: There is no correct answer, but you should have asked yourself, why am I doing this? You'll still get a shitty grade, though.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Friday, December 18, 2009

Senator Ben Nelson Also Likes To Have His Cock Sucked In Public

Ben Nelson Contemplates The Sucking Of His Cock, wants to Pretend He Will Not Enjoy It

Senator Ben Nelson (D, Nebraska) took a cue from Senator Joe Lieberman (I, Massachusetts) yesterday when he voiced opposition on to the health care bill on the grounds that it might actually save lives. Anonymous sources suggested that he had expressed "Lieberman Envy" earlier this week, at one point during a late-night session saying he was worried that "Joe's might be larger and more attractive," confusing all present at the time. Another aide stated, "He told me he really felt that his was too small, but sometimes 'you just gotta' go for it. Joe showed me the way'" Senator Lieberman could not be found for comment, but loud sobbing and the gnashing of teeth was heard from the gent's room near his office for many hours. When asked for comment, the ghost of Sigmund Freud observed, "Yes, it is very common for colleagues to project sibling rivalries of childhood onto one another." Puffing on the apparition of a lit cigar as his ethereal form evaporated, he told this reporter, "Oh, your mother told me to let you know that she never liked you."

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I Love To Get My Cock Sucked by Joe Lieberman.

Senator Lieberman Anticipating Yet Another 61st Vote

That's right, I really love a good blow job. I love to feel the love, and now is the best time for a good vacuum action. Any time Harry Reid needs 60 votes in the Senate, I can just feel the bulge growing. And the best part is--do you know? Let me tell you what the best part of a good blow job is? I get to do it in public, and there's always a camera on me--so I know that people can always go to CSPAN and watch me break one off, over and over and over. For years, no one really cared about me till I realized that I could play my boyfriends against each other--in return for a sweet, sweet public hooverama that makes JFK look like a virgin. I mean, he couldn't get his on camera now, could he? Sorry, there's a new bill giving aid to some godforsaken poor people, and I'm due for another busta nut. Oh yeah, that is solid.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Round, hairless man warns youth of America.

A round hairless man was found wandering the streets today, verbally assaulting young people, "Look at me! This is what becoming a certified public accountant does to you! I used to be like you! I was like you once!" The man was detained by police and later identified by authorities as Robert Herz, chair of the Financial Standards Accounting Board. He was released to the custody of the local Weight Watchers chapter and immediately assigned a case worker from Tuff Bodies Inc. Said one bystander, "I hope I never learn what common stock is."

Sunday, December 6, 2009

And Then The Voices of a Million Hipsters, Shrieking in Pain...

Hipsters across the galaxy were dismayed by Brian Eno's recent comment this year, "Everything is cool." Screaming into their iPhones, pleading for the ghosts of dead junkie alt-rockers to send them wisdom via their iTunes playlist, these wretches cried out in agony, wondering how would they ever be able to look disdainfully on the rest of the hypocritical ignorant bourgeoisie if they could no longer distinguish themselves with countless hours of sorting through the works of vacuous, self-important grandstanding narcissists and heroin addicts. But the most terrifying question to many was "Who the hell is Brian Eno? Was he in a band?" went unasked, as no one was willing to admit that he or she did not know the answer.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Guns Protect Washington Police Officers.

Yes, think how much worse it could have been.

Who Gives A Shit 2.0? By Lance Armstrong.

Hi, I'm that guy who loves to talk about how fucking great he is at riding a bicycle. And guess what? You can buy a book I pretended to have written. What's it about? It's about how fucking great I am at riding a bicycle. Forwards, up hills, down hills, flat surfaces--I can do it all. And I'm really good at it. Really. So go out and plop down 29.99 dollars for a new hardcover copy of my book. Why the hell wouldn't you? It's about me. Me, Lance Armstrong, the guy who's fucking great at riding a bicycle. John Stewart loves me, he looked a little gay to me really, but what the hell, a sale is a sale. And I ride a bicycle. Good. (Goodly?)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Dwight D. Eisenhower: PUSSY.

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron.
Dwight D. Eisenhower, From a speech before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, April 16, 1953
34th president of US 1953-1961 (1890 - 1969)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Gov. Mick Huckabee Feels Ghost of Willie Horton Gently Raping Him In The Ass.

Governor Huckabee woke up after realizing he had granted clemency to a man whom several years later shot four police officers, and felt something heavy and warm on top of him. "Yo, remember me?" At first Gov. Huckabee thought is was the ghost of Barry White or Black Father Christmas, but the ghost then identified himself as once having been Willie Horton. "That's right--I fucked with Dukakis and now it's a must that I fuck with you." After enduring a long and unpleasant bout of nonconsensual homosexuality, the ghost grabbed a Coors out of the fridge, saying "Don't worry, I'll be back in 2012." The governor felt relieved until he saw a line of reporters going out the door, ready to do the exact same thing. "Well, hop on," he said with his usual optimism, "we may as well get this thing over with."

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Global Warming Climate Conspiracy?

First of all, you should never call a fool a "fool"--if that fool is boorish, self-righteous right-winger who will be put on Fox News 24/7 in order to prove how how not only are liberals rude, but also that all scientists you disagree with are cunts trying to get rich off the global warming scam give us all AIDS.

So FUCK YOU, science! FUCK. YOU.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Monday, October 12, 2009

Paranormal Activity: Most Terrifying Movie Ever!

That's right, it breaks into your house, lurks in the basement, and fucks you in the ass! It's *that* scary!

SAW VII Exclusive Preview!

Voice (offscreen, menacing): DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME?
Victim: Not, um, really, I had a dental appointment, and it's been
over a year now...
Voice: A GAME?
Victim: Well, the dentist--you know, what the hell, I'm late, I'll
have to reschedule, it's going to be another month to get my teeth
cleaned, and frankly my breath is starting to stink like an otter's--
but okay, since I'm locked in chains, why the fuck not?
Voice: GAME?
Victim: *sigh*
Voice (we now see the puppet): Mr. Smith, you have committed grievous
sins against your family--your wife hates your snoring, your kids
think you're a twat, and your dog ran away, probably because of your
halitosis. As punishment for these crimes against humanity, and
because I seem to have nothing better to do, you have 30 seconds to
escape by cutting off your own head and finding the key I hid in your
gall bladder--
Victim: That makes no sense at all.
Jigsaw (yes, he's back of course): Quiet! Listen carefully! You must
reach up into your rectum, find the key, crawl through the barbed
wire, cross the mine field, jump across the hot lava, or...
Victim: Or what?
Jigsaw: You will be forced to sit through all of the SAW movies--
Jigsaw: Not finished.
Victim: Sorry.
Jigsaw: All of the Halloween sequels--
Victim: NOOOOOOOO! NOT HALLOWEEN III ! Please, it makes no sense, no
sense whatsoever, aggggghhhhhhh
Jigsaw: Oh yes, Halloween III will be there, make no mistake, it will
be there...And then all of the Freddy Krueger and Jason movies!
Jigsaw: And then have some Mexicans come in to clean up the mess.
{With that, the victim reaches for a chainsaw which is just within
his grasp, cuts off one arm, one leg, frees himself, slips on a banana
peel and dies.}

Free-Thinking Political Independent Actually A Fucking Moron.

Car Bomb Liberates 41 Souls.

Today on Taliban TV: Breakfast with Mullah Omar.


Republicans Denounce Nobel Penis Prize.

Conservatives across the nation were horrified that Da Prez was awarded the Nobel's most coveted award, the Penis Prize. Said GOP Chairman Michael Steele: "We have plenty of very large penises deserving of recognition. Look at Bush Penis--come on, take a gander, look at it! Doesn't it deserve some recognition? Think of all of the things it accomplished! And there's Limbaugh's flaccid member. Sure it's surrounded by a grotesque corpulent mass, but that does not lessen its glory--even I am beholden to it. So please, let's hope that this committee which is not funded or controlled by the U.S. in any way will come back to its senses and do what we want it to do: Recognize our magnificent, war-mongering, birth-control-hating, xenophobic Republican penises. They deserve it."

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Boeing Announces New Titanicliner.

In their latest press release, the Boeing Company announced plans for the "largest plane ever", which would be "unsinkable as well as invulnerable to the greatest icebergs of the stratosphere, while giving our first-class passengers a truly luxurious travel experience." The estimated price of each aircraft will be approximately 50 trillion dollars. Predicted one observer, "There can be no downside."

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Universal healthcare is terrorist recruitment tool

Speaking of that video--

( Universal healthcare is terrorist recruitment tool

--how terrifying is it that Canada has national health care, and
dangerous--whereas Mexico, an incredibly safe and crime-free nation, has
none? I fear for the safety of Minnesotans, especially Lake Woebegone.

But still...isn't it fucking awesome that you can get paid huge sums of
money without having to make any sense whatsoever?

I went to graduate school on a loan, no stipend, and my research had to
establish some sort of logical connection between facts...wherea's these
people are paid to cherry-pick whatever alleged factoids fit their
argument...and some are paid millions per year to do exactly that!

It's fucking awesome! Think about it. If you try to conjecture a rational
argument, you'll make nothing. But if you deliberately avoid making any
sense, and instead blurt out half-truths and plain lies like a hurt little
schoolboy, people might hand you giant bags of money. Or give you tenure
in the Dept. of Education, or a job in a right-wing think tank...America
fucking kicks ass!

You can convince people that an impoverished nation is a threat to America,
that guns save lives, that the gold will rain down from the sky...God I
love this country!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

More artificial musings.

The problem with AI is that we will not know if we have succeeded until our robots start having pointless arguments about movies and masturbating. And by that time, who knows if what video format will be in effect? That's why we must immediately eliminate any and all government funding for all other issues until we answer this burning question: Will the sentient beings of the future wank over lesbian porn?

Yours In Christ,

Monday, July 27, 2009

Stop talking to me, dog!

I told you, I'm not killing anyone when Family Guy is on! I don't care if it's a repeat, for your information.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

My dog is an asshole.

Keeps telling me to kill people. Mainly, the mailman. Just shut it, twat! I'll kill someone when I feel like it--not when some git tells me too. Anyone else have this problem?

Yours in Christ,

Friday, July 24, 2009


Well, I think the temple I'm building out of human skeletons should impress her...and win the respect of the community at large.

Book Review: Collapse by Jared Diamond.

The problem with discussing Collapse, rather than pointless musings of affairs of the heart, is that the issues of the world seem so distant, out of one's control, and downright uninteresting when one is speculating about whether the the girl (okay, she's 43, but you know) the girl one has fallen for like some the protagonist in a badly written novel is ever going to return that affection--that seems like a burning issue so close and so powerful and so significant that it's hard to see what else matters. (Well. So much for detachment.)

Friday, July 17, 2009

Trauma Center Discrimination Outrage!

That's right, they refused to serve me when I reported a case of self-molestation! Outrage!

Science: Worth It?

Yes: science conquered polio but what of the soul? What good is it to have limbs you can use when just going to end up in the unprovable-but-certainly-exists Great Inferno? And think of all the time you can spend reading The Bible when
you're inside of an iron lung! True, very difficult to turn a page, but
Jesus will do it for you through mysterious means, such as a breeze coming through the window and flipping to the next page right when you're middle of a Hebrew castration metaphor).

Or maybe scientists will make a page-turner for you, you know, if Jesus commands them.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Google Fuck.

Wow, they suspended my adsense account, suggesting I was a danger to their
advertisers. Man, you publish *one* gay marriage/sodomy post involving
Jesus, Muhammed and Moses, and suddenly people get pissed. Where's the
fucking love? My income has been reduced from one postage stamp per year
to nil postage stamps. How am I supposed to feed my 15 children (all named
muhammed) and supplement my suicide-bomb-belt business? Muhammed One,
double our C4 projections for the next fiscal year! Muhammed Three, tell
Muhammed Two to cancel our door-to-door sales and focus on our ebay store!
Muhammed Four, fire up Quickbooks and grind out our estimated shipping
costs for the next three suicide bombing holidays! IbnRodent&Sons must
quadruple production for all central Asian war zones by next Ramadan or Al
Queda will beat us again! Curse their petrodollars!!!!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Michael Jackson Tribute Concert: American Salutes A Rapist.

by Rapie McRape

Wow, I am thinking, about freakin' time. How many times does a rapist die, and everyone gets together and says to themselves, remember where we were when that rapist sang that song? Too long, in this observer's humble opinion. So let's all hold hands and drop in the ruffies, America, because it's time to say, "We Are The Rape."

Peace out,

Monday, July 6, 2009

Jedi Bush Plays With Saddam's Gun.

"See that? He tried to kill my daddy with that gun--but now I got it!

heh heh heh

"Yup, I did that, not even my daddy could take away Saddi's, but dad-gum-it-all, I did! Blam! Blam! See, even has a place to put the bullets, it's real and everything! I bet he killed his son-in-laws with it! Blam! Yup, all mine, now, gonna put it in mah presidential library with mah other presidential crap, mah bushwhacker, mah weedwhacker, mah golfcart, mah mountain bike...yup...good times, good times. Ahhhh........BLAM! Heh heh, gotchya!"

Practicing Celibacy by St. Augustine

Yo yo yo yo kids, St. Augustine rappin' at mah dogs here. Now this be da straight up truth, and when I say 'truth', I mean, TRUTH with all capital letters and shit. Celibacy is the shit. Did you hear that? Do I need to say it again? I'll say it again in case you weren't payin attention da first go round. This be the 411: Celibacy. Is. The. Shit. Now you shorties iz all like "A. Dog, wat you be tellin' me? Nuttin' better dan pumpin' my girlz like the Taliban on a literate woman." Well, yes, it feels good now. Believe, me I made many, many mistakes when I was a youngin', gamblin', whorin', drinkin hard shit' and gettin' so fucked up and crazy I was like a rabid dog howlin' at da moon, just kicking it to the fucking max, bitches! But was I sorry for enjoying life so much? Yes, because I realized that those experiences are so empty and joyless compared to the wonder and power of churchin' up yo' ass every Sunday and praying all da time an' shit. Ya feel me brother? So whatever you do in your life, whatever choices you make, do not make the mistake of believing that pleasure and enjoyment are things you should be doing. I did them, for years really, and boy did how I regret it. I had to spend years of prostrating myself before The Lord, telling him how I was his bitch 'n' all. That's what the the world is about: Bein' Da Lord's bitch! Not making others your bitch! Dat wrong! Just plain wrong! So for God's sake do not enjoy life or you might end up wondering why you did.

Yours in Christ,
St. Augustine

U.S. Governors Head to Burning Man (part 2)

Soon after Gov. Sanford's descent into Southern Hemispherical wackiness, Governoress of Alaska Sarah Palin resigned from her position as America's first line-of-defense against the our collective Russian-led doom in a decision arrived at after a long night of deep prayer and cogitation inspired by some serious weed, 3 bags of 'Fritos' and repeated viewings of 1994's Bruce Willis vehicle, Color of Night. "We must not abide by the milky discharge of long late night demons of desire of those who only wish to be spoon-fed by excessive tax rates and sleeping slumbering willows," she proclaimed to no one in particular. "Instead, we must be ready to once and for all find Count Dracula before he finds us. Remember he hunts at night, so we must hunt him during the broad light of day and find and burn all of the coffins!" She then began to quietly mutter in a low voice for several minutes, and then shouted, "It's in the trees! It's coming!" Ms. Palin flailed her arms and ducked low as though avoiding an attacking rabid bat, tore off her clothes and ran into the woods shrieking, "The demons! The demons!" She has not been seen since by the eyes of men.

Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who claims not be the descendant of African immigrants no matter what tasteless jokes people make about his surname, found that even though he hasn't had a hit movie in decades, he can still manage to get people to pay attention. Now it's by throttling California's finances instead of an evil robot assassin from the future, but who cares as long as you're noticed?

Shouted former Illinoisan Mark Blagojevich, "Woooooo, we're going to Burning Man!"

Saturday, July 4, 2009

When Art Imitates Crap.

U.S. Governors Initiate Kickass Road Trip to Burning Man.

The governors of the all 50 states of the USA recently convened to throw a totally-whacked-out-we're-going-to-Burning-Man party. South Carolina gov' Mark Sanford kicked off the event with the requisite I'm heading to the liquor store (Appalachia) to stock up on booze, but ended up having an Animal House style run-in with a newswoman in a completely different hemisphere. Whether or not this trip was completed in a 60's-style Volkswagen or perhaps an aging 70's American muscle car is not known at this point. The last anyone heard from the Mr. Sanford, however, he was in an obviously-drug-induced stupor, and his girlfriend was pretty damn pissed. Well, their reconciliation should be hilarious whether it involves castration or not.

Editorial: More BBC filth.

Here's a recent BBC headline: Australia probes navy 'sex game'. Sickening. What the hell is wrong with you people? This is exactly why England is a shadow of itself--it went the way of Rome. Just look at the Queen! See what frolicking did to her!


Gunz2Luv out. One to beam up, Mr. Heston.

Fourth of July Editorial: The Fight Against British Oppression Continues!

By Gunz2Luv

Fellow patriots, let's take a moment to remember on the this joyous day of our independence that the struggle against British Oppression continues to this very day. For example, this recent example from New Zealand:

Wheelchair-Bound Gunman Killed By Cops
12:00pm UK, Monday June 29, 2009
Police killed muscular dystrophy patient Shayne Sime in his Burnside home in a suburb of Christchurch on New Zealand's South Island on Sunday night....police were called after neighbours heard a volley of shots being fired from a shotgun and high-powered rifle....Sime, who was believed to have been drinking and had earlier contacted family members saying he was suicidal....According to the Christchurch Press newspaper, the 42-year-old was amember of a gun club which made its own ammunition.

How sad...In our proud nation, he would have been considered to be a well-regulated militia. Let us salute this enemy of oppression! President Obama, I hereby informally request that you formally request Congress to make this man an honorary American citizen, that he may in death have the rights he was denied in life: The right to self-defense and a really kick-ass light beer delivered to your corner grocery in a convenient, recyclable aluminum can. Will you stand with us (and by "us" I mean me and my cats), Mr. President? Or will you side with the British once more, as when I informally requested you last year to launch a surprise first nuclear attack against the U.K. in order to finally free the freedom-lovers of Jamaica from the pernicious influence of the Queen and too much rum?

Drinking and firing at random is protected in the good ole' US of A by the Second andFirst Amendments. But not for the British, who remain afraid in their homes and their gun clubs, while We Americans are able to celebrate our freedom and patriotism with liberal quantities of both home-made ammo and home-made ethanol.

It's the American Way. It's Our Way. It's the Freedom Way.

Live Free, Shoot First, And Prosper.

Gunz2Luv out.


Monday, June 29, 2009

Lovecraft on Love

When I was discussing "The Unnameable Horror", I was for the most part thinking about online dating (which I assumed would be accomplished via telepathy with the demons of the underworld, but either way, rather prescient of me, eh?) Or maybe I mostly speaking of my horrible, horrible fear of vaginas. My father was sucked in headfirst and was never seen again upon the face of the Earth. Briefly he struggled, up to his shoulders, but then the tentacles emerged and it was all over. Not the sort of thing a young lad should witness. My mother denied it, but isn't that what one would expect her to say? Very well, I must return to the Underworld. (And by the by, if you happen to glance an elf-maiden gadding about, let me know, she made off with my left ventricle and I don't believe she's going to bring it back.)

Yours in Perpetual Fear,
H.P. Lovecraft

Monday, June 8, 2009

Digital Emetic. If this rodent reached out its little paw, would this kitten retract it's tiny claws?

This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

Palm.Pre: 'We're not dead yet.'

This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

Ten thousand maniacs? More like ten thousand well-regulated militias!

This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The.Secret.Life.Of.Boys:Books. 'Well mostly we wank.'

This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

Secret lives of boys!:Well, we wank incessantly and beat-upon anyone who's gay or into tolkien. We also date-r..e tr

This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

Murder, She Clogged.

This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

Secret lives of boys. Well, we masturbate incessantly and beat anyone who's gay or into tolkien. We also date-rape

This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

Friday, June 5, 2009

Taliban-Pakistan romance really, really over, swears pakistan.

This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

Tarantino promotes kill bill legos

This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Bill O'Reilly Not Responsible For Anything O'Reilly Says Or Does.

In a brief statement to news media, Mr. O'Reilly declared: "I am not responsible for the words that come out of my mouth and onto the airwaves. I have never in my life attempted to influence the thoughts or actions of anyone in the world. I am only on TV for one reason: I am a narcissistic media whore who will say or do anything to get the most attention, money and power I possibly can. I have never cared one whit, one fig, or a single fig/whit offspring, for making the world a better place or enriching anyone other than myself. So I am not, repeat not responsible for anything I say. It's just freedom of fucking speech, pal."

No one in the world was at all surprised by this statement, except for a Mr. Singh of Punjabi, who said, "Who the ***** is Bill O'Reilly?"

Monday, June 1, 2009

Man Still Unable To Get Date-Raped.

"Geez, I even bring my own ruffies, put them in my drink, and still nothing."

Aphasic Cinema Reviews

Fuck Me To Hell (U.S., 2009)

Good lord, what a misleading title. No sex and for that matter not even any bare breasts-nary even a dog's nipple. Frankly I'm disgusted that Hollywood continues to employ highly misleading advertising. I haven't been this misled since I went to see Steel Vaginas. For shame, once noble Hollywood. For shame.

Yours truly,

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Science: half of all suicides related to amateur-linux use.

This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

Character in greek myth thinks things are going fine

Hell yeah, I killed that minotaur, and its easy street from here on in. Smooth sailing, just ride the wind into the harbor boyo, no need to worry about a thing...where's that post-beast slaughtering wine we were saving, eh?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Jesus & Muhammed Announce Plans To Gay Wed in Iowa Synagogue.

In news that rocked the religious institutions and their adherents world-wide, The Christ Almighty, Savior of Heaven and Earth, and Muhammed, The Prophet Who Spoke To The Angel Gabriel, got the hell gay-married out of them. The wedding was officiated by Moses, He Who Led The Chosen People Out Of Bondage, and was attended by many noted individuals in the spirit community, although in spirit everyone was there.
In comments to reporters, The Annointed One stated that he was very happy that he and his long-time companion could now legally live together and raise a family "somewhere in the Pacific Northwest." He added that he was extremely relieved "that now he will be covered by my health care plan." Protesters worldwide began gnashing their traditional wailing, gnashing of the teeth, pulling of the hair, and renting of the garments. Protesters attempting to converge upon the event, many holding pictures of aborted fetuses, were turned to pillars of salt which slowly but surely blew away in a strong Spring breeze, a harsh reminder of the transitory nature of human existence. Miraculously, no innocent bystanders were injured, although several protesters failed to escape when they looked back. When queried, "What about descriptions of homosexuality as an abomination in the eyes of God?", Muhammed responded, "Well, let's just say you can't believe everything you read. I mean, sometimes, you're angry at someone," he said, coquettishly glancing and laughing at Our Lord & Savior. "I mean, sometimes you just say nasty things and lash out because you're angry, you're angry at yourself, you're angry because society won't let you be who you really are and you're too afraid to admit it, even to yourself." Added Jesus, "But now with this recent court decision, we can be who we really are--two men deeply and love and ready to have kids, the house with the picket fence, the whole kit'n'kaboodle."

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Horror Of The Penis by Lez Luv

Now many of you gents may be wondering why, exactly, do lesbians get PhD's in order to teach about male sexuality? After all, you don't see to many gay fellows ranting about how much they hate vaginas. It's actually quite simple:

Every time a woman has sex with a man, it's rape. Every time a man thinks about having sex with a woman, it's rape. And most likely, every time a man touches his hideous, disgusting throbbing gristle, he's probably just raped himself. So, you see, it's really up to those women who are willing to wear pants, smoke cigars, and ram our tongues up each others' snackboxes (in other words, those of us who have thrown off the shackles of the patriarchal oppressors) who are able to to truly understand men, male sexuality, and their sick, sordid disgusting fantasies which involve their repulsive membranes. For who can understand just how repulsive men are, more than a woman who utterly despises them? I think the answer is obvious.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Hideous Jessica Biel Transformed.

Thanks to modern medicine, Jessica Biel has been able to undergo a nose job and have her disgusting lips filled with lovely, human-corpse-collagen. This has transformed her into someone sufficiently attractive to be filmed groping Nicholas Cage.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

ScienceNews: Artificial Intelligence Created With Gene Splicing.

Scientists at UCLA reported recently that after years of trial and error, they successfully created an intelligent computer using genetic techniques. By combining the DNA of two individuals in the laboratory--Dr. John Stevens and his Chinese graduate assistant, Ma Ching, were able to create a carbon-based computer capable of simulating human intelligence. The computer, referred to as "Timmy" has a central processing unit capable of mimicking human reasoning, auto-locomotion and other high-level processes. Furthermore, it appears that "Timmy" also contains algorithms that can replicate human emotional reactions such as love, anger, fear, jealousy, and curiosity.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Gunz2Luv: He Deserves Every Cent!

Wayne LaPierre deserves every cent he makes (about 1 trillion of them)! Every year is he out there, protecting the 2nd Amendment rights of American heroes such Chai Vang, who defended his FREEDOM in Wisonsin in 2005; it is precisely the racist Dumbocrats that want to take away the ability of ethnic freedom fighters such as Mr. Vang. Without an assault rifle, we can only shudder at how easily the right of minority ethnic groups could be impinged upon.

Guest Columnist Gunz2Luv: Socialism is attempting to destroy us and take our guns.

Socialism is attempting to destroy us and take our guns.
Obama's attempts to perpetuate the economic downturn of our economy is the first step in implementing a Muslim agenda! By taking over our banks and eliminating interest rates, they hope to create a Muslim banking system. This will shortly be followed by revoking the 2nd Amendment and disarming all Christians in the nation.

Local teacher attains succes by succumbing to mediocrity.

Local high school teacher Margo Samson came home and reported to her husband, Richard, that "I've finally succumbed to complete mediocrity and mental oblivion." In spite of years of trying to teach remedial reading to apathetic, lazy students who only read text ciphers sent via their cellphones, Ms. Samson received a below-average performance evaluation from the principal of her school, who scolded her for "failing to implement collaborative learning techniques." The principal directed her to the state education department website, which demonstrated how to implement collaborative learning in groups of students using a Kleenex, some wads of cotton and used gum found under a desk. Said Ms. Samson, "Fuck it--I'll just have the lazy bastards circle jerk with their cellphones all day till I get my MBA."

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Please Do Not Keep Primates In Your Home.

--By A. Gorilla
There have been many sad cases where sharing a home with a human that they loved but then turned into deadly--but all too predictable--tragedy.  Please remember that humans are extremely dangerous. While young, humans are cute and adorable.  However, they can appear calm and docile for years and then without warning attack! They are known to be very clever and able to open locks, use simple tools and even firearms. Humans also possess sophisticated communication and planning skills, enabling them to act as a frenzied group.  Frequently, when one human becomes violent, many others will imitate or should I say ape (sorry, a little primate humor there) that human, and they will carry senseless destructive acts en masse.  In brief, humans are dangerous creatures and one should never allow them to move about freely in your home.  If you see a human, please notify the proper authorities and let them handle it as they are trained to do so.  Under no circumstances should you ever feed a human; remember, they can turn on you at  any time and cannot be trusted under any circumstances.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Opinion: Guest Columnist Rapie McRape.

Hi, folks, shout out to all my peeps out there. I gotta say, theres a lot of shitty biatchs out there. Like why is it that if you have a little too much to drink, end up having a bit of nonconsensual sex, and then all of a sudden some ho starts running around town calling you a "rapist." What about all of those other days where I didn't rape anyone?  And before you know it, everyone is yelling "rapist!" at you: The police, the district attorney, your mom...Please, I'm a gentleman--it's not as though I tossed out of a moving car or left her in a ditch. I gave her a back rub afterwards (totally consensual), mixed her an appletini,  and told her I still thought she was pretty. Although I wouldn't go out with her again because she's a whore. But that's aside the point.  Yes, there were a few tears, a bit of crying, a rape kit, but hey! Let's not make a mountain out of a molehill! You hear me, Veronica? We cool? We cool, right? 

We better damn well be cool or I'll cut your ass bitch.

Your pal, 
Rapie McRape.

Fake-ass Rapper Guilty of Being Fake-ass Rapper

Rap fans around the world were horrified to learn that rapper Rick Ross was in fact a certified public accountant, Ross Rossowitz of Hoboken, NJ.  Even worse, he has never killed, raped, assaulted, or maimed another human being.  Mr. Ross issued a public apology today, admitting that it was true that "I'm not a felon," and "deeply regretting" and harm he has caused to any of his fans by not having harmed others.