Sunday, December 21, 2014

10 Wounded, 1 Dead At Shooting Party

10 Wounded, 1 Dead At Shooting    

A shooting party was held in a Chicago suburb in which one man was mortally wounded, causing him to die or something. Ten others were also shot, but as gunshots are generally a minor form of trauma leading to simple 'flesh wounds', it is expected that they will all make a full recovery without permanent injury or life-crippling PTSD. Except for the guy who's dead, he won't be getting better.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Are You Evil Scum? Take The Quiz!

Kochbro: "I'm a socially liberal freedom fighter you twats."
Are you an evil yeast infection in the sewage pipes of American politics?  Take this quiz and find out!

Question #1: Do you write op-eds for the Wall Street Journal? (see answer key below)

Answer to #1: If you answered "yes", then yes you are repulsive yeast infection suffocating what's left of our democracy like a plague. 

Closeted Homophobes Plan To Whack Off To Biblical BDSM Snuff Film

A group of repressed homophobes announced their plans to sexually pleasure themselves to prolonged film sequences of a man being slathered in body grease, sadistically beaten, and then murdered in a painful and excruciating fashion, all while being dramatically lit and photographed by professional trade guild members.

The reaction from observers was characterized by a complete lack of either shock or suprise. Several onlookers did, however, shrug their shoulders. At least one was heard to say, "I never would have expected that," although the tone seemed to be one of mockery and derision rather than actual astonishment.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Non-Threatening Black Guy Had Second Career As Rapist, As It Turns Out

The black guy who didn't threaten any white people turns out to have been a rapist, it has been reported.

In other news, that nice stepfather everyone on your block likes is molesting his stepdaughter, though his wife is pretty sure that the girl must be crazy because who would say something like that because he is like the nicest guy?


Sunday, November 30, 2014

From The Department Of Death Poetry: Not-At-All Famous Last Words

I am quite certain that my last words will most likely be, "My boyfriend keeps trying to put his dick in my ass--thanks Obama!" Then I will laugh for a millisecond before a prolonged coughing fit and at last choking to death on my own vomit.
Why? Because it's funny, that's why.
#thanksobama #jennamarbles

The Economist Asks, 'Are Our Billionaires Too Poor?'

This week, the fine people of The Economist show the courage to confront the billionaires for whom they slave. Bravely ask, "Have we been nice enough? Could we be nicer? Perhaps they need a foot massage? Clawing back pensions, buying presidents and prime ministers, and leveraged buy-outs that enrich no one but themselves is terribly hard work. How about a shoulder rub? A blow-job? Should we talk about the filthy lazy unwashed masses who love poverty? Whatever it takes, whatever it takes..."

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Kill-An-Unarmed-Black-Teen Lottery Has New Winner

Darren Wilson,
Lottery Winner
The Kill-An-Unarmed-Black-Teen Lottery has new winner, it has been announced: Officer Darren Wilson of Ferguson, Missouri. When asked for comment on his receipt of over $1 million USD, Wilson reportedly shouted, "Away, negro demon of the underworld!" and started shooting.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Just Because You're Paid To Be A Journalist, Doesn't Mean You Have To Act Like One

A True Story From National Public Radio

Arun Rath:
Greetings Generic Republican legislator, I am your friendly NPR customer service rep. How may I help you today?

GOP Rep. Tom Cole: Can you let me rant about the evil of Nazibama, ask leading questions to set up my talking-point playbook response, and not point out a single factual error? That would be swell!

Arun Rath: Why yes we can! That is our job here at NPR! Can you put on a pretense of having any kind of conscience or moral principles whatsoever?

GOP Rep. Tom Cole: Nope.

Arun Rath: Ah, well...we don't really care, we get paid either way, you know?

#immigration, #obama, #tomcole, #assholes, #npr

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Trending: Is Self-Digestion The New Foodie Cool?

Auto-digestion might just be the new cool foodie trend, say the Trendites. What do you think? If you ate yourself, what would be the best method of preparation? Will you give it a shot? Let us know!

From The Department of Thanks Obama!

This ad, evidently, is not a joke, except on the American people. Having not watched the video (certain that it was very informative though), I never found out what pernicious plans Obama has for my jar of Skippy peanut butter (extra crunchy, or so the label assures me).

It does, however, link to a survivalist website which bills itself as ""....Though why patriots need any more or less food than anyone else exceeds both my knowledge of human physiology and patriotism: Consult your nearest patriotic physiologist for further information.

Now I must load my All-American, Star-Spangled Glock from Sweden and guard my freedom-butter. 

Friday, November 14, 2014

Delicious Cheescake Wears Camera And Walks Streets Of Manhattan, You Won't Believe How Many People Looked

A delicious slice of cheesecake wore a hidden camera and walked the streets of Manhattan yesterday, and you won't believe how many people unashamedly looked at the hapless, defenseless pie. Both men and women shouted rude remarks, such as, "I want to eat you with a cup of coffee!" At last report, the cheesecake entered the office of our editor and has not been seen since, although our editor assures he walked the cake slice to its car and saw it drive away so there's no chance that he could know anything about anything about a goddamn slice of cheesecake.

Man Wears Pizza On His Priapistic Cock, You Won't Believe How Many Times People Looked At It

A man wearing a pizza on his fully erect penis walked the streets of Manhattan, and you won't believe how many times people looked at it. How many times? "Plenty," he stated.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Someone Actually Admits He Was Wrong About Iraq

NY Times: An honest appraisal from a general about Iraq This is something you rarely see: A high-level (relatively speaking) admitting that he/she was completely wrong about Iraq, and that a re-invasion would be a huge mistake.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Obama Now Taking Republican Children To FEMA Camps - Please Share!

Photo taken just yesterday of NSA agents removing an African-American girl (probably for voting for Republican on Nov. 4th) to a FEMA camp. The White House has failed to return my emails asking for details on her whereabouts, and her family cannot be reached--it is very likely that they are all under federal detention! Please immediately share and donate to my legal fund to submit a writ of habeas corpi to save this brave Republican hero today!  

Monday, November 3, 2014

PSA: I Will Be Saying Degrading Things To Women In A Public Venue

Dead Rodent Typing is proud to announce, that, as a free public service, he will be making  degrading and demeaning comments to women in a free, open-air public venue. This will take place daily between the hours of 11:00 am to sometime between my post-lunchtime nap; though it could extend to as late as my post-dinner viewings of Seinfeld. Interested parties who wish to be treated as a slab of meat or just in need of an unwanted romantic overture by a man in a $2 sleeveless shirt can come by the corner of Imagination and Main, seven days a week. Provided I don't have an appointment with a psychiatrist that day.

Saturday, October 25, 2014


According to Mindy Kaling, Mindy Kaling is currently quite willing to talk about stuff that happened to Mindy Kaling, report reputable sources. This includes America's esteemed paper of record, the New York Times, and has been confirmed by media outlets as diverse as TMZ, Ezra Klein's Twitter account, a 13-year-old girl's Tumblr page, and bunches of others.

Mindy Kaling has also confirmed that Mindy Kaling talking about Mindy Kaling will be an ongoing, reflective gaze of self-absorption, regarding a woman of ethnic struggling to make it in a world run by people without ethnic--namely, Mindy Kaling--and fortuitously, is planned to continue for decades to  come. Fans of Mindy Kaling fans issued countless statements of both relief and gratitude, as well as prayers for many, many Mindy-filled years to come.

#mindykaling #moreinformationthanstrictlynecessary


Do not vote, youthful youth: You do not need to vote. Republicans are gladly willing to vote for you. Besides, nothing matters. Nothing changes, not really, not ever. People will always grow old and die and then complain about being old and dead. Have you ever met a happy corpse? No! So just...give up. The way David Brooks of the New York Times gave up on critical thinking.

Once you have given up, however, you can then simply recede--into a pleasant and tranquil daze filled with comforting thoughts. (Just like David Brooks of the New York Times.) Just remember that they (Republicans, I mean, I hoped that that was fucking obvious but in case it was not...Republicans) have your best interests at heart: An obesity-and-stress-induced visit to the nearest pauper's grave. Once, of course, they have sucked you dry, stripped the flesh from your bones, and sent whatever's left to the rendering plant. (Figuratively speaking, of course, you wouldn't need a grave if they did that--hmm, that would be a money-saver, now that I think about it.) If your parents are the lucky enough to have a home, they could then easily take out a second or third or fourth mortgage. Then you could rot away in a nice container under a well-manicured lawn for eternity 10 years (till your remains are 'accidentally' dumped into the Pacific and covered by a McMansion, whoops!)

Things That Women Do All The Time When You're Not Looking

A Brief Note Regarding Marjane Satrapis...

Regarding this quote attributed to Marjane Satrapi, author of Persopolis....

If, dear reader, you agree with everything in this quote, please let me know--in order that I might swiftly administer to you a kick in the cunt. I also extend that offer to Marjane Satrapi as well. (Not really sure if that's an offer that interests her, however. More likely she'd prefer to choke on a cake of chocolate, suet and cancer sticks, but hey, that's her business.)


Monday, October 13, 2014

Republican Candidate Attacks Offensively Honest Political Ad In Yet Another Fake Controversy

"Just because my legs don't work does not
mean I can't be a douche. Now watch
me kill a helpless animal. Whee!
It's fun to watch things die! And that is my
promise to you as governor. I will
shoot things and watch them die.
Also, go to my website and read my
no-blow-jobs promise to Texans."

Department of the Rudely Honest
In the latest iteration of how dare you speak honestly (dutifully recorded as such by GOP shill-outlet USA Today), Greg Abbott (R) took umbrage with an campaign ad which correctly described him as duplicitous hypocrite; a man who exercised his rights when it suited him before before suppressing those rights for others. Stated Texas gubanatorial candidate Abbott:

"My severed spinal column gives me the right to be furious regarding this horrible, horrible outbreak of truth emanating from the Wendy Davis campaign. I shall defend my record of destroying the last remaining hopes of other unfortunates to the last nerve ending of my completely numb genitalia. I recoil in horror to think what other facts, certainties, or verities the Wendy Davis campaign might try to use against me. And frankly, I'd be trying to sodomize the citizens of Texas with or without the damn wheelchair, so there was no need to turn this into some adolescent take on Freud."

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

And Now, A Message From Salvador Dali About The 1955 Chrysler Convertible

Hello, friends. I am internationally-renowned artist and provocateur, Salvador Dali, here to talk to you about the 1955 Chrysler Convertible. Did you ever dream of car that looks like a huge clock being swallowed by a black hole? Well now, you can own it. The good people at Chrysler have at last designed an automobile for the likes of people such as myself; a mode of transport that moves you from point to point in the space-time continuum by defying the known laws of physics: In fact, warping time and space themselves. All while providing a smooth ride, trouble-free braking and an aerodynamic design that says, 'Yes, I know Frank Sinatra as a personal friend, we have hung out in Las Vegas upon many a happy time, he bought a Picasso off of me. I slept with the Picasso's model in fact. After Picasso did.' Hurry to your dealer, as no one is sure how many of these units have been made--or if in fact they even exist at all--or is this all the work of some fevered mind? Mine perhaps, or yours, or some strange, dark, deluded gods. Who knows?.
Thank you friends, for sharing your time with me and allowing me to talk to you about the advantages of the 1955 Chrysler Convertible. Provided any of us exist. If not, we must start over. (With existing.)


Tomorrow could be a different story, however.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Do Not Let Criminals Be The Only Ones Carrying Guns...

It is every citizen's duty to protect her- or himself. The NRA has a vital role to play in this, let criminals be the only ones with guns. 

The non-domesticated, domestic-violence-inclined citizens amongst us are included. That is why soon-to-be murderers of wives or congresspeople must be allowed drive to an out-of-state, NRA-sponsored gun show and buy a Glock without a background check, and with the only question being, "How much cash do you have on hand?" 

There's so much freedom in those transactions, why it's almost criminal.



Friday, September 12, 2014

TV Time: James Gandolfini In The News

Because it's the last season of a show that reminds everyone of how great James Gandolfini was in a totally different show, and also because of an amazing new find that will shock you (see below), we here at Dead Rodent Typing (still singular, the "we" merely refers to my multiple personality disorder)...ahem...we are proud to announce the discover of the very first draft of the final finale of The Sopranos.  

#jamesgandolfini, #thesopranos, #boardwalkstoppedcaring

Regarding 9-1-1 (PS Saddam Is Dead, Love, Rumsfeld)

by not-bush

That's right, ya dang hippies, that Bush guy that you all make fun of was planning to respond to Saddam's terrorism on 9/11 as early as February 1st! Take that, Obama! He tried to kill my daddy, he wanted to kill everyone's daddy! All American daddies were at risk! January, dangit! This Bush guy looks like he was pretty smart after all, eh?
Like they say in Texas, you can fool a dead rattlesnake twice before lunchtime but not after lunchtime! (There's a heap of wisdom in those wise old proverbs.)  Anyhoo, suck it liberals. Suck Cheney's...I don't think he has one actually.
The point is: Go to hell!
That Guy Who Is Not G.W. Bush

When the new administration’s principals (agency heads) met for the first time at the end of January it was to discuss the Middle East, including Bush’s planned disengagement from efforts to resolve the Arab-Israeli conflict, and the issue of “How Iraq is destabilizing the region.” Bush directed the Pentagon to look into military options for Iraq and the CIA to improve intelligence on the country. (Note 7) At a February 1 principals meeting Paul Wolfowitz lobbied for arming the Iraqi opposition. (Note 8) When the deputies (agency seconds-in-command) committee met in April for its first discussion of terrorism since the president took office and counterterrorism chief Richard Clarke attempted to focus on Osama bin Laden and the Taliban – five months before 9/11 -- Wolfowitz tried to change the subject to Iraq. (Note 9)

National Security Archive - Iraq War part I

Friday, September 5, 2014

An Essay On Writing

1. Sit or stand or lay in bed.
2. Tap/print words.
3. Arrange words into meaningful contextual structures according to accepted rules of language. (note: be creative) 
4. Continue until you reach "The End" or "To Be Continued..."
5. Reward yourself with a treat.

*Don't be too creative or you might end up with some incomprehensible gibberish like Ulysses but then again you might get a Nobel Prize for it.

Crazy People Need Keyboards For Their Needs

Note: A "loony liberal libtard" keyboard with "KRUGMAN", "ELIZABETH WARREN", "WIKIPEDIA", "", and and an "according to (see link)" shift-key would be a huge timesaver for me.  Also should include useful function keys such as, "As you now see, I was right all along," and some sort of "smug satisfaction of being correct" smilies.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

To Serve And Disinfect

Pictured: A grateful citizen of Ferguson, MO, being rescued from Fergusonites by local authorities.


Saturday, August 2, 2014


Now on sale at your nearest bookstore by which I mean
Only $2.99! Supercheap! 

Saturday, June 14, 2014

A Note From Berghdazi Land

A brief snippet from my son after NPR "reported" (as they claim to do) on the totally fraudulent, right-wing-created "controversy" of Berghdaziland.

As I recall it went something like this: "They're like Disney villains. They're clearly villains but no one sees them, until they turn into a dragon and have to be slain."

Unfortunately I did not convey how well he expressed. Carry a microphone at all times.



Dear Fuckwits At NPR...

 From NPR: Right = Left So Can't We All Get Along, No We Can't Because Of Those Crazy Liberals
All I can really be certain of is that NPR has become utterly worthless for political opinion. If you want to see a prime example of the 'media elites' who believe that the greatest failure of our current political system was to slash social spending and still believe that "the great middle of America wants compromise on taxes and deficits" (i.e. the completely uninformed) because cracked extremists are worried about global warming, nukes or whatever crazy stuff they dream up in their fevered liberal imaginations....look no further than

Rant #2: 
I left a comment on that page as well: "Demographic trends with a dressing of infuriating, false-equivalence blithering that a six-year old child could see through. And exactly why NPR is going the way of CNN. Of course, Global Warming, climate change, guns-actually-kill-you, and evolution are no longer facts, they are "controversies" that NPR dare not touch less it lose a pfennig of its funding. Which, in all likelihood, it is populated by the kind of inside-the-beltway/slash-the-deficit journalism that gave us two wars and two occupations and failed to noticed the build-up of the last 2 or 3 financial bubbles. (Last years report on the 'disability mafia' being another example.) Another example of the sorry state of this nation--the only way one can claim to be serious is to assume that the reactionaries have something to say. After being wrong about everything for the past 30 years.