chapter 2.0 - radio haze (iv)

notes of future  past

To: The Desk Of Dr. Glyxxzzitt Borg, Professor of Human & Earth Studies, Earth University

Dear Professor, 
Enclosed is the file you requested of this thing known as "public radio" or "pubic radio" (we had long hours of discussion about the proper spelling. In fact a bout of fisticuffs broke out! Our expert on Americanese, Dr. Fryxxzzitt Borg (no relation) attempted to punch the professor of Australianese right in his external orosensory gland. Instead it ended up smashing into one of those strange metallic Earth artifacts which clutter his office (I think it he calls it a "blender", some sort of useless ceremonial gift handed out at weddings), and ended up shattering several small bones in his third arm, not to mention a great deal of blood loss. Therefore it will be some time before we can supply you with further transcripts. Let us hope this will suffice for now. 

**MINCEMEAT [note: more radio]]**

[translator's note: transcript, 21st century Earth era; source unknown]

Anchor: In people who matter have died news, reports are filling our inboxes here indicating that dance-rock-pop-soul-rhythm-and-blues-musician-songwriter-appeared-on-innumerable-posters-and-t-shirts guy, Mince, died from an accidental  overdose of Lesspainfulnyl. Although Mince was taking the drug to relieve physical pain from an injured hip and he decided to forgo surgery for that pain, and belonged to a cult that forbids surgery out of some batshit interpretation of book written thousands of years before anesthesia and antibiotics, and in spite of the fact that it should be common knowledge after 40 years of drug war hysteria that any opiod produces physical dependency, let's frame this from the perspective we should: Addiction.  Dr. Addiction, welcome. 

[Translator's note: still working on translation of 'batshit'; may have been a popular character of local folklore who brought fertilizer to the ancient humans. See my monograph, "Origins of the Batshit Myth: Questions Without Good Answers." In addition, "Anchor" seems to have been a very common name. Whether it was passed down matrilineally remains a matter of intense dispute.]

Dr. Addiction: Zombies ate my family!

Anchor: We brought you here to talk about someone who matters.


Dr. Addiction: Right, sorry.

Anchor: Perhaps the zombies were high on smack?

Dr. Addiction: Oh, no doubt about it. Opiod addiction is the greatest crisis facing our nation except for the zombie holoc-

Anchor: I'm sorry but we're not discussing that. Do you want this shot to raise your profile and get that CRAP TALK on youtube?

Dr. Addiction: A CRAP TALK OH FARK YEAH!

Anchor: Good, then play ball and MAYBE you'll get somewhere.

Dr. Addiction: OH YES OH YES OH YES OH YES BOOK DEAL HERE I COME!

Anchor: Alrighty, now settle down...

Dr. Addiction: Ahem, right.

Anchor:  ...and tell us how dangerous this drug is.

Dr. Addiction: Worse than having to see zombie sucking out your wife's brain. And I should know. 

Anchor: That's better. Your future is starting to crystallize and I can see your speech on ubertube. And on the side column I can see links to dozens of extremely popular cat videos. Yes, you will be that popular.

Dr. Addiction: OH GOD OH GOD--

Anchor: Ahem.

Dr. Addiction: Sorry. Started to get carried away there.

Anchor: No need to make orgasmic noises, this isn't some Nora Ephron crap from the 80's.

Dr. Addiciton: Who? What?

[Translator's note: "Nora Ephron" appears to have been another figure of folklore, feared as a supernatural being who would somehow get into one's home with her demonic powers of "basic cable connection", whatever that could be, and steal children's souls with bad cinema.]

Anchor: Never mind. Just compare Lesspainfulnyl to a banned, illegal drug so that we all know how bad and evil it is and make it sound as though we're standing up to HUGE PHARMA even though we're going to do nothing of the sort. 

Dr. Addiction: It's worse than the zombie holocaust because HUGE PHARMA.

Anchor: How huge?

Dr. Addiction: Enormously huge.

Anchor: Can you be more precise?

Dr. Addiction: Huge huge. I'm gesturing with my arms to demonstrate how huge it is.

Anchor: Remember, this is radio. People can't see you.

Dr. Addiction: HUUUUUUUGE....

Anchor: Horrible. There you have it, Mince is now meat. Heh heh, that's a good one.  Thank you doctor.

Dr. Addiction: I have to go bury corpses of my wife and children but not before I sever their heads from their bodies to prevent them from returning as undead.

Anchor: Thank you and you have a great day too!  

[Translator's note: End of file.]

skeptical john stossel: a fish can't have feelings, i'm john stossel and i don't have any feelings

Fox News’ John Stossel claims documentary ‘Blackfish’ faked crying whale scene


Fox News resident skeptic and questioner-of-all-observable-phenomena-which-everyone-with-a-brainstem-can-see leapt into the capitve marine mammal pond. Said Mr. Stossel: "A fish can't have feelings, i'm john stossel and i don't have any feelings." He then caught a human infant between his teeth and ran off on all fours, presumably it being his dinner time. 

(Pictured above-left: John Stossel attempting to comprehend this thing whales call "love".) 


#FOX,#JOHNSTOSSEL,#KILLERWHALE,#CAPTIVITY,#FOX,#BLACKFISH

operation jade helm: goodbye, texas freedom

Look at what your President Santana has wrought, heretics! obamaissatan ormaybeobamaissantana christiansformichellebachmanc jadehelm

Just Because You're Paid To Be A Journalist, Doesn't Mean You Have To Act Like One

A True Story From National Public Radio

Arun Rath: Greetings Generic Republican legislator, I am your friendly NPR customer service rep. How may I help you today?

GOP Rep. Tom Cole: Can you let me rant about the evil of Nazibama, ask leading questions to set up my talking-point playbook response, and not point out a single factual error? That would be swell!

Arun Rath: Why yes we can! That is our job here at NPR! Can you put on a pretense of having any kind of conscience or moral principles whatsoever?

GOP Rep. Tom Cole: Nope.

Arun Rath: Ah, well...we don't really care, we get paid either way, you know?

#immigration, #obama, #tomcole, #assholes, #npr

From The Department of Thanks Obama!

This ad, evidently, is not a joke, except on the American people. Having not watched the video (certain that it was very informative though), I never found out what pernicious plans Obama has for my jar of Skippy peanut butter (extra crunchy, or so the label assures me).

It does, however, link to a survivalist website which bills itself as "food4patriots.com"....Though why patriots need any more or less food than anyone else exceeds both my knowledge of human physiology and patriotism: Consult your nearest patriotic physiologist for further information.

Now I must load my All-American, Star-Spangled Glock from Sweden and guard my freedom-butter. 

Someone Actually Admits He Was Wrong About Iraq

NY Times: An honest appraisal from a general about Iraq This is something you rarely see: A high-level (relatively speaking) admitting that he/she was completely wrong about Iraq, and that a re-invasion would be a huge mistake.

Obama Now Taking Republican Children To FEMA Camps - Please Share!

Photo taken just yesterday of NSA agents removing an African-American girl (probably for voting for Republican on Nov. 4th) to a FEMA camp. The White House has failed to return my emails asking for details on her whereabouts, and her family cannot be reached--it is very likely that they are all under federal detention! Please immediately share and donate to my legal fund to submit a writ of habeas corpi to save this brave Republican hero today!  

Republican Candidate Attacks Offensively Honest Political Ad In Yet Another Fake Controversy

"Just because my legs don't work does not
mean I can't be a douche. Now watch
me kill a helpless animal. Whee!
It's fun to watch things die! And that is my
promise to you as governor. I will
shoot things and watch them die.
Also, go to my website and read my
no-blow-jobs promise to Texans." 

Department of the Rudely Honest
In the latest iteration of how dare you speak honestly (dutifully recorded as such by GOP shill-outlet USA Today), Greg Abbott (R) took umbrage with an campaign ad which correctly described him as duplicitous hypocrite; a man who exercised his rights when it suited him before before suppressing those rights for others. Stated Texas gubanatorial candidate Abbott:

"My severed spinal column gives me the right to be furious regarding this horrible, horrible outbreak of truth emanating from the Wendy Davis campaign. I shall defend my record of destroying the last remaining hopes of other unfortunates to the last nerve ending of my completely numb genitalia. I recoil in horror to think what other facts, certainties, or verities the Wendy Davis campaign might try to use against me. And frankly, I'd be trying to sodomize the citizens of Texas with or without the damn wheelchair, so there was no need to turn this into some adolescent take on Freud."