Monday, June 13, 2016

chapter 2.02 pre-victorious


Like a three-legged camel crossing the vast emptiness of the Gobi Desert, the National SomethingSomething Radio reportage of the pre-victory pre-acceptance victory acceptance speech lurched onwards towards nothing at all.

"Hello, this is Jack Werthless in Washington. Anonymous Intern, can you tell us what is happening?"

The intern reported what she was seeing. That way, every listener would have a rough idea of what  talking looks like. She spoke with hushed excitement. "Jack, I can tell you that Queen Bintonian is now opening her mourh. Air is appearing to move into her lungs, yes, air is somehow being displaced by a pressure gradient into her lungs. Oh, now the pressure gradient has been reversed. Air is being forced out of her lungs. Repeat! Air is being forced out of her lungs! Hark! She speaks!"

"My name is Eevellary Bintonian." A roar of thunderous applause was heard.

"She has created speech! She has created speech by passing air through her vocal mechanism, stimulating the vibration of the vocal cords themselves! Amazing! And what a profound statement. She has told us her name!"

"Because my name is Eevellary Bintonian." More thunderous applause.

The intern continued. "It appears that her plan is to continue the cycle of alternating pressure gradients to force air into and out of her lungs! This will allow her to speak many words!"

"Amazing," said Jack Werthless in D.C.

"Excitingly amazing!" replied Anonymous Intern.


"Ah! She's about to create another amazingly exciting sentence!", said Intern.

"And furthermore, unlike my opponent, Burning Sandman, my name is Eevellary Bintonian!"

The crowd roared again. "Braiiiiiiiiiins!" they cried in unison.

"What was that, Anony?", asked Jack Werthless in D.C.

"It appears," replied Anonymous Intern, "that many of the those present are the zombie-like undead creatures. Which should have been obvious from their blood-soaked clothing, the bits of brain and intestines clinging to their mouths, their slow, clumsy movements, and the fact that none of them seem to be able to clap their hands. They keep swinging and missing, hitting the zombie next to them, and then they begin eating one another. However, their enthusiasm for Ms. Bintonian is very evident, very amazing, and very exciting!"

"And as my mama used to tell me..."

"Oh, she's winding them up with a 'my mama' anecdote, the cheering and excitement is unbelievable."

"Ahem, as my mama used to tell me, the best meal is meal of human brains!"

The crowd roared. "Brainsssssssssss!"

Anonymous Intern had to shout over the noise of the crowd. "Jack in D.C., the crowd is eating this up!"

"Wow! Tell me, are there any, you know, people who are still alive in the audience?"

"It does appear that there is one--oh wait, she panicked and they got her. They got her."

"What happened, Anony?"

"Well Jack in D.C., they ripped her apart and are now feasting upon her flesh and guts. Oh wait, now one has cracked open her skull cavity. Yes, the creatures are going in for the gooey mess that is the human nervous system. They are very excited!"

"Are there any  other--"

"Wait Jack, she is about to make another word. Perhaps another sentence. Oh Jeebus this is exciting and amazing and stuff!"

"That's right, there you go, feast upon those delicious nutritious brains. Vote for me and you will never want for brains!" 

"Sounds like she's really pandering there to the undead voters," said Jack in D.C.

"Well Jack in D.C., that's politics. Oops, buckle up kids, here comes the big finish!"

"Yesterday, my name was Eevellary Bintonian! Today, my name is Eeveellary Bintonian. And tomorrow my name will still be Eevellary Bintonian! Unless I legally alter my name or get a divorce, my name will always be Eevellary Bintonian! And this year I'm going to go to Washington  D.C. and people will call me Eevellary Bintonian!" 

"A powerful message," said Jack in D.C., "but will her promise of more human brains resonate with the supporters of Burning Sandman?"

"If they have half the love for human brains that this crowd does, no doubt about--oh hell, they spotted me. Gotta' go."

"Good luck, hope you don't get eaten, heh heh. Next up: Why won't the Sandman just do us all a favor and drop dead?"