Monday, February 28, 2011

Mmmm, Sweet, Sweet Radium

Regulation Lax as Gas Wells’ Tainted Water Hits Rivers -

You Serfs Don't Need Schools

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Serfs don't need to be able to read or write--just do what they're told.  Besides, once people learn to read, what do they do? Buy a copy of The Fountainhead and spout off about what they've read.  Or worse, post about it on the internet.  We need to get back to the basics--polio, smallpox, and dead by the ripe old age of 25. And clay tablets.  By the way, can someone send me a deep-fried turkey leg dipped in chocolate? Make that two.


I wonder what Jess Franco's thank you speech for that lifetime achievement award was like. "Fifty years ago I said, 'zoom in un der luv garten!', and history was made."

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Soylent Gas - The Gas You Can Feel Good About!

We here at Deadrodentyping are thrilled to announce our new sponsor, Soylent Petroleum Products International.It's the clean, carbon neutral, guilt-free energy source everyone's raving about! 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Humble Modesty Built This Town

by David Brooks 
This nation was built on people modest enough to accept their fates.  Some are destined to die in coal mine disaster, poisoned by toxic waste, or perhaps die of a treatable medical condition not covered by Blue Cross.  Others like myself, are fated to write about how modest besuits??? us.  Whether it's in a newspaper, magazine, radio, TV, it is simply my destiny.  And I accept that fate with with all due humbleness.  So should you.

#davidbrooks #conservative #douche

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Once Again I Yank Down My Trousers And Have A Go (This Time, On Wisconsin)

You know, it's never too late (or early) to bring up the conservative bugaboo of Orwell--even going on 3 decades post-USSR.  Just look at union protesters in Wisconsin engaging in "extralegal" peaceful demonstrations.  Terrifying.  Gives me an unpleasant feeling down under, like a girl on a camping trip with her stepfather.

Seriously, collective bargaining is just one step from show trials, starving the Ukraine, and The Terror.  Have you ever been on a collectivized farm? Neither have I.  As for revolts, who gave the peasants the right?  To be honest, I always felt that the American Revolution was a step too far--at least until someone gives me a convincing legal argument as to its justification under British law.  Keep it in your pants, peasants.

But the real point is isn't that we need to deprive the nearly powerless such that they are completely powerless--we can save that for later.  What we need is a system to fairly share the burden of responsible government and taxation.  Some of us will have to give up medical care or living past the ripe old age of 35--others might have to give up a yacht or a few concubines.  Everybody suffers.

Perhaps some system of democracy, wherein elected representatives gather and act in the best interest of the nation and its people.  If only there was such a system....Who am I kidding? It wouldn't even be legal.  And as anyone who followed my coverage of the Shrubya Adminsistration, I'm all about legality.


Why Isn't Obama Doing What The GOP Promised To Do But Didn't For The Last 50 Years?

 It's truly deplorable that Obama won't fulfill Republican pledges to cut Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid.  I profess total bewilderment on this point.  How could I be expected to comprehend that the GOP needs their elderly white voters who would revolt if they lose a single farthing from these entitlements and to whom the GOP has pandered since Nixon?  (Well, you can see why they need me on NPR and PBS: To proclaim a fact-free viewpoint which is apparently what constitutes 'conservatism' these days.)

Well, hopefully Obama will discover that he was elected to serve the Republican Party--not the American people.  

Sunday, February 13, 2011

In Unexpected Move, Christian Organization Attempts To Live Up To Ideals Of Christ

"Unitarians turn tragedy into lesson in tolerance." (Washington Post)

How Iraq Was Really The Fault Of The Liberal, George Bush

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What can we do about Egypt?  Oh, not much.

But as Obama sweats over what course to take in Egypt, (not that we ever seen him perspire)--and engage in some very unleftist realpolitik--we can now look back and see put the previous administration in a more focused perspective.

So while Obama continues the Great Game, our beloved Shrubya, on the other hand, was in fact the real liberal--someone whom so utterly believed in Democracy that he didn't feel the need to practice it himself (but rather would implement it the old-fashioned know...bombs, torture, indefinite imprisonment without a trial, insertion of imperial regents, all liberals would like to do).

Therefore, all Conservatives are hereby exonerated from any blame for anything they have said or done--especially me.  And now that Iraq is looking more like Iran than Beirut On The Beach (no idea what that means, just like the way it sounded), we conservatives have to admit one thing: Whatever went wrong, it's not our fault.  So Egypt, as it turns out, is really about me.

Amazing how logic works eh what?

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Freedom (From Caring)

I have been talking to many people of late.  Many of these people have actually talked back to me.  (What I believe in modern psychology is known as a 'response'.)
Many of these people will tell you that they have a worthy cause: AIDs prevention, scientific research to treat diseases, feeding the malnourished, and so on and so on.  But I have a better, greater cause: Me.

I need airports for my holidays, roads to drive on, and a government that's going to do it's level-best to keep people with multi-drug-resistant tuberculosis out of my neighborhood.  I need incredibly botched, incredibly expensive invasions and occupations of foreign nations.  I need to know that American soldiers are being blown to bits by IEDs .  How else will I be able to condescendingly spread my message of modesty and humility if America's military might is not mighty enough to make me feel special by virtue of being shoved out of my mother's uterus within America's shining borders?

Of course it would be impossible.  And who would lose? The nation.  That's right, America would lose.  Totally fucked, really--maybe, in fact, the entire world.  For you see, the do-gooders, no matter how good they are, are seeing only the surface--that diseases kill people, the malnutrition or lead toxicity cause mental retardation, that pollution can cut short our lives, and so on and so on.

However, I have penetrated to a deeper and more profound level of understanding, and thus am able to see things as they truly are.  Therefore I don't require those things such as 'facts' and 'evidence' the Asian-Jewish Elite Meritocrats would have you believe are the basis for sound decision-making.  (Besides: If they were, our world would be perfect, and since it is not perfect, I have thusly disproved the need for 'facts' and 'evidence'.)

What do really need?  Glad you asked me, as it just so happens I have an answer: Slash And Burn.  That's right, slash the deficit, douse the pile with the kerosene of modesty, and light it up--with the flame of humility.  Those who have become serfs to their mortgage or slaves to their college tuition or maybe are just trying to survive with HIV as subsistence farmers on a dollar a day will simply have to cope.  But not without hope--rather, with modesty and humility.  And that's what give me the freedom to just, plain, not give a shit.  Stay humble.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

America Is Not America's Problem

by Doctor Prurient
T. Logicus

I learned something important from reading George F. Will's column in the Washington Post: Egypt is not our problem. And for that matter, neither American nor Americans are America's problem.  In other words, if you don't like it--don't hold a rally.  Just please go fuck yourselves.  Fuck off to Mexico and or something.

Whether we're discussing infant mortality, toxic waste, maybe a bit of plutonium in your drinking water, keeping people alive with so-called medical 'treatment' or 'food' or what have you, the U.S. government is always there, robbing Peter to pay Paul.  (And what the hell has Peter done for anyone lately? Simply because you stepped on a landmine in 'Nam or were stupid enough to drive over an IED in Iraq doesn't give you the right to hold out your hand and ask for my hard-earned cash.  Sure, maybe you're missing a few limbs or a part of your face or brain or skull--well you know what? Boohoo, we've all got problems.  How long are you going to play that 'I'm in a wheelchair for the rest of my life' card?)

We know from watching movies that every time a  bell rings an angel gets his wings (movies are chock full of useful information like that); and in much the same way, every time a childhood vaccination is paid for by Medicaid, a bit of our freedom dies. And your freedom. And Fred's freedom.  (Yes, Fred loves his freedom too, and why shouldn't he?)

After all, is it so far-fetched to believe that the free market creates the best possible health insurance for all?  Things were going just fine till medicine created all of these new treatments and interfered with the Great Simian's Divine Plan.  And anyway, who cares about 'all'?  Exactly.

Reagan Was Like Every Other President Who's Children Write Books About How They Are Incrutable To The Point Of Freakishness

Is Haiti Underpopulated?

Not ever square meter in Haiti is

Why 33 rounds makes sense in a defensive weapon
By Stephen Hunter
Sunday, February 6, 2011; 

Sleek, its lines rakishly tilted to boost the ergonomics that index grip placement to barrel, this automatic pistol has but one function: to eliminate human beings easily. That sinister intent is expressed most eloquently in the extended magazine that reaches far beneath the pistol grip, easily tripling the amount of ammunition available to the killer.
It's the Colt Super .38 automatic pistol, customized into a machine pistol by an underworld gunsmith so that Babyface Nelson could use it to kill an FBI agent outside Little Bohemia, Wis., in 1934. Maybe you saw the movie.
Even if you didn't, you can still see the point: There's nothing really new when it comes to guns. To the contrary, the extended magazine that Jared Loughner allegedly carried in his Glock 19 the day he is accused of having fatally shot six people outside Tucson and wounding 13 others, and that President Obama is likely to suggest banning in an upcoming speech, may be traced way back.
During World War I, American armorers tried to adapt the 1903 Springfield into a counter-sniper "periscope rifle" by, among other things, installing a 25-round magazine. The Germans tried to turn the Luger pistol into a "trench broom" by devising a 32-round "snail drum" magazine (it fired the same round as the Glock 19). The Texas Ranger Frank Hamer carried a Remington Model 8 with an extended magazine in his hunt for Bonnie and Clyde in 1934. The Thompson submachine gun of World War II and the M-16 of Vietnam were improved by extending their magazine from 20 to 30 rounds. In 1957, the U.S. Army adopted the M-14 rifle, which was hardly more than an M-1 Garand rifle with an extended magazine. And who wouldn't want our soldiers, Marines and law officers to benefit from extended magazines?
Guns were the software of the 19th century; the most dynamic age of development was roughly 1870 to 1900, when the modern forms were perfected. Two primary operating systems emerged for handguns: the revolver, usually holding six cartridges and manipulated by the muscle energy of the hand, and the semiautomatic, harnessing the explosively released energy of the burning powder to cock and reload itself. Since then, design and engineering improvements have been not to lethality but to ease of maintenance and manufacture, or weight reduction. A Glock is "better" than a Luger because you don't need a PhD to take it apart, nor a fleet of machinists to produce the myriad pins, levers, springs and chunks of steel that make it go bang. Moreover, you can lose a Glock in a flood and find it six months later in the mud, and it still will shoot perfectly, while the Luger would have become a nice paperweight.
What nobody has been able to improve on since the 1870s is the cartridge. It is an extraordinary mechanism that safely stores volatile chemical energy until needed. It is cheap to manufacture, easy to transport and largely impervious to the elements.
What's often lost amid activists' carping is that the effect of the notorious extended magazine does little to improve the pistol's lethality except in extraordinary circumstances, such as Tucson. Neither Seung-Hui Cho, the Virginia Tech mass murderer, nor the alleged Fort Hood killer used extended magazines in their rampages. America's first gun mass murder, when Howard Unruh killed 13 people in 1949, was committed with a Luger.
In fact, the extended magazine actually vitiates the pistol's usefulness as a weapon for most needs, legitimate or illegitimate. The magazine destroys the pistol's essence; it is no longer concealable. Loughner allegedly wrapped the clumsy package in a coat for a short distance, but he could not have worn it in a belt or concealed it for an extended period. It had really ceased to be a pistol.
That's why extended magazines are rarely featured in crime - and that awkwardness spells out the magazine's primary legitimate usage. It may have some utility for competitive shooting by cutting down on reloading time, or for tactical police officers on raids, but for those who are not hard-core gun folks it's an ideal solution for home defense, which is probably why hundreds of thousands of Glocks have been sold in this country.
Particularly in rural Arizona, given the upsurge in border violence, it's likely that residents feel the need to defend themselves against drug predators, coyote gunmen or others. Yes, they can use semiautomatic rifles and shotguns, protected by the Second Amendment and unlikely to be banned by local law, but women generally don't care to put in the training needed to master them. Nor can the elderly handle them adeptly.
For them, the Glock with a 33-round magazine is the weapon of maximum utility. You can load it on Sunday and shoot it all month. (Nobody wants to reload a gun while being shot at.) It's light and easy to control. You don't have to carry it or conceal it; it's under the bed or in the drawer until needed. When the question arises of who needs an extended magazine, the answer is: the most defenseless of the defenseless.
Those who would ban extended magazines, will say that although hundreds of thousands are in circulation and thousands more will surely be sold before a ban is enacted, it will be worth it if it saves just one life. But the other half of that question must be asked, too: Is it worth it if it costs just one life?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Unconstitutional Trauma Care


Ladies, gentlemen, humans and other assorted, ahem, lesser primates: We are at a critical juncture in our history.  For at no time has our greatest and most precious freedom been at risk--the freedom to make a buck.  Yet throughout our history, this freedom has been repeatedly put at risk.

For hidden deep within our sacred scrolls lurks the horrible demon of socialism.  Were you thinking "interstate commerce clause"?  Of course you were.

I wouldn't be a lifelong pompous ass if I didn't have an ax or two to grind.  And believe me, I have many, many axes to grind.  For example: Should be imposing on the freedom of physicians by forcing emergency rooms to take any patient? Of course not.  I certainly would not care for the government telling me that I have to treat a car-crash victim simply because he's unconscious and no one can find his wallet.  It's only one small step from mandating collective insurance tocollective farming.  What's next? Will the president tell me whose lice I shall groom and when?  Please let's hope that we can put a stop to this violation of the fundamental rights of the nation's doctors.  Why should they feel obligated to treat sick people?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Tears Of A Boehner: Date Rape Daze

Hi, you may remember from such sound bites as "Obamacare" and "taxpayer-funded abortions".  But I'm not here to discuss the unpleasant rudeness of Washington D.C.  No, I'm here to reminisce about my days as a college frat boy, or whatever the hell it was I did back them.

Even before the end of the first paragraph above, I could feel the tears of nostalgia welling up and trying to escape from their little ducts--but I choke them back so that I can finish the sentence.  Raising hell, underage binge drinking, and taking advantage of passed-out sorority sisters--these were things that used to be the normal part of a college education.  But now the Political Correctness Police (PCP) are all 'alcohol poisoning' this,  'nicotine-caused lung cancer' that, and 'someone fingered me while I was in an ethanol-induced coma' thus.

Well, we can't change everything that the PCP want.  Nor can we always save the love-child of a bit of totally non-coercive, slightly non-consensual intercourse.  But hopefully there will be a day, a time, a place, where these embryos fertilized when things just happened to get a bit rapey.  After all, why shouldn't a woman be forced to give birth to scion of the rapist who did not rape her?  Especially if that woman can't afford to travel out-of-state to the nearest clinic.  But I know in my heart that there will someday be a future for these beautiful rape babies.  Or as I like to call them, "snowflakes from Jesus."  What? You hate Jesus?

Okay, sorry, I have to go now and finish out this cry and blow my nose and try to keep as many Americans from having health coverage as possible.  I'm sure Jesus wants it that  way.  (That my friends at the US Chamber of Commerce want it that way as well is just a happy coincidence.)   I'm sending some snot-filled tears your way, America.

The Dangers Of Heterosexual Sex

Dear readers, we now know that sex between the male and female is highly correlated with a number of negative effects: Pregnancy, neuroticism, psychoticism, melancholia, excessive intake of fermented banana juice, cancer, tuberculosis, yellow fever, malaria, and countless other disorders of the mind and body. (For example: Sex And The Simian)

Are you aware, gentle apes, that nearly all suicides are preceded by prolonged episodes of masturbatory insanity?  No, of course you did not.  The liberal media would prefer that you did not know.  Right at this very moment, your young chimp could be preparing himself (let's face it, him not her) for a long, slow yet terrifying descent into madness under the pretense of micturation--and you would never know until it's too late.

Are you aware, gentle apes, that nearly all suicides and homicides have been preceded by a heterosexual act?  And this effect can occur literally years after the event.  Years.  It's that bad.  (In fact, my wife became pregnant last month and we have not so much as touched one another in over a decade--this is how insidious and damaging the long-term effects of a single heterosexual act can be.)

So remember to caution your young chimps, bonobos, gibbons, gorillas and orangs against engaging in the act of procreation for any reason other than procreation, in the time and manner proscribed by the Great Ape.  To do otherwise will invariably lead to disease, delirium, and death.  So don't be like the humans.

Yours in Simian Redemption,
Dr. Prurient Logicus

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Area Blogger Bitching About Everything That's Wrong With The World On His Blog For Some Goddamn Reason

Conservative Activists Uncover Evidence Of Medical Treatment By Health Professionals

Disturbing Video From 'Sting' Operation
A right-wing group of activists uncovered evidence that America's health-care professionals are treating a wide range of illnesses, diseases, deformities, disabilities, and other assorted medical conditions.  "The real outrage," cried Generic Rightie McRight, "is that there is no moral test prior to treatment.  Maybe some people don't deserve an antibiotic.  It's our role to play God whenever we feel that it is justified while reserving the right to judge others for engaging in what we consider to be God-like play."

Commented Bill O'Reilly of Fox News: "We'll play th same blurry misleading video till everyone is bored to death of it and then we'll find some other nonsense to wind up the outrage of our government-hating, Medicare and Social Security-dependent audience.  If the formula ain't broke, don't fix it."

Ghost Of Ronald Reagan Mildly Embarrassed By Everything Sarah Palin Says And Does

Palin: America out of step with Reagan's values

Friday, February 4, 2011

It's Not A Crime To Break Into The Home Of Sodomites To Let Them Know They Are Going To Roast In Hell

Christian preacher arrested for saying homosexuality is a sin - Telegraph

The Causes of Slavery or Serfdom: A Hypothesis: Archive Entry From Brad DeLong's Webjournal

The Causes of Slavery or Serfdom: A Hypothesis: Archive Entry From Brad DeLong's Webjournal

Tax Dodging Douches

How to Build a Progressive Tea Party - Yahoo! News

The Daily Show, Again

Incisive comment regarding the Daily Show:
" I'm not sure what your point with the MSNBC bit was lat night. It played as dated and just sort of mean-spirited. I understand your need to indulge in false equivalence to try and reinforce your "We're the rational folks" posture, but if you're going to go after Olbermann and MSNBC, could you at least be funny about it? And maybe have a point? Otherwise, you just look nasty and like you're pandering to folks who are never going to like you or watch you."

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

How Egypt Is Really About My Theory About What's Wrong With Your Theories

Let's be clear about one thing: Egypt is an example of EPIC LIBERAL FAILURE.

Sure, there was torture, repression, extremes of social inequality, some more torture--okay, a lot of torture--and some other bad stuff.  But hey, do you want Khomeini in charge? That guy was a religious fanatic.  

Totally different from our fanatics: All they want is to have everyone worship the real god (God), the real redeemer (Jesus, not some Jewish or Muslim guy, come on I mean seriously), and absolute control over every ovum in every woman's body.  Then we can have true freedom and democracy.  We couldn't have all that with Khomeini--we'd be worshiping the wrong god, waiting for the wrong redeemer.  (We'd be doing okay on the ova though.)

And then there was Nasser. Don't get me started. Could he come back from the dead?  It's happened before.  

And how could we possibly have known that supporting tyrants would turn out badly? I can't think of a time in history when it did. Can you?  And somehow I wrote an entire column about the Middle East without mentioning oil once.  Okay, once. 

The point is this: Theories don't work.  The world is too complicated for theories--that's why I put my faith in Space Jesus, with whom I not only have a very up-close and personal relationship, but also with I will be flying around the galaxy for eternity in his spaceship.  

p.s. Bush was right about Iraq.  

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Winning The Future - With America's Elderly White Voters

by Bill O'Reilly
As usual Obama is full of shit.  He wants to invest money--tax money--in infrastructure that will promote an American future that is not a third-world banana republic run exclusively for the benefit of billionaires and their sycophants.  But my audience is too smart to fall for this.

My audience of elderly crackers knows that the best way to invest in America's future is to continue to fund Medicare and Social Security.  Because those are the people who turn out to vote for America's future (which is, of course, Medicare and Social Security).  Where would this country be today if God had not built a highway system?  Obviously the highway system has one Divine Purpose: To allow those who watch Bill O'Reilly to drive to the nearest buffet.  Obviously.

Well, I'm a simple man with simple ideas, and I think I've proved my point.  Compassion should and must end at the voting booth, where it collides and is crushed by self-interest and egotism.  (Rather like what I do to the truth every night on Fox News.)  And above all, our future and America's future are intertwined with me, my ratings, and getting my party elected into office.  Because after all, it's not your country after you're dead--who gives a shit then?

Glenn Beck Looking Up 'Nazi-ish' In Dictionary