Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I Am A Conservative And I Need Help (by special guest columnist David Brooks)

Op-Ed Columnist - Bill Wilson’s Gospel - NYTimes.com

"Hi, everyone, my name is David"

"Hi David."

"and I need help. I'm addicted to always being right no matter what the facts are."

"Go on David, you're among friends."

"It's so hard to cherry-pick only the facts that support my specious arguments..."

"Oh we've been there, David, believe us, we've been there."

"...I mean using science to try to destroy science, it's just so hard, because mean people keep knocking holes in my argument and before you know it it looks like Swiss cheese...."

"Oh David, the empirical method, don't get us started."

"...and then I just feel really frustrated that instead of agreeing with me, people just keep going on their own way, using their own critical faculties...why why why, what's the point of it all?"

"Ah, people who want to think for themselves instead of listening to conservative columnists who sound like cheap shills, we know David, we know."

"If I didn't know I was right all of the time, it would really really hurt, it's like all I have is my influential position and the money I've made as a plastic horn for the forces of greed...but still I sometimes it makes me so, so sad...."

"That's it David, let it all out, have a good cry...there there, we know...hey, there was an article about the social habits of the T. Rex--maybe you can use that as a way to backhandedly praise Mr. Obama?"

Monday, June 28, 2010

TV TIME: Sons Of Anarchy

I really can't get into a sub-par remix of The Sopranos...with all due respect to Jared. I should mention that I hated every character in The Sopranos and felt cheated when we didn't get to see them all die horribly.
But James Gandolfini was just too good in that show; this show, Katey Sagal comes the closest--but there's no way I'm watching another yes-they're-bad-people-but-they're-also-humans-with-the-capacity-for-good show--I mean, we've had The Shield and The Sopranos...give it a rest.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare myself for a DEXTER/BREAKING-BAD marathon.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Are Cells the New Cigarettes? - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com

Are Cells the New Cigarettes? - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com

Obviously every industry trys to skew research or its results in its favor--but that still does not mean there is a risk from cellphones. As others have pointed out, the obvious risks of technology (such as obesity) outweigh the ones that people always seem to panic about (cancer, the alleged negative social effects etc.) I grew up in the 70's, before cell phones, before the internet, before iPods...and I can tell you that the 70's sucked. And anyone who says otherwise was probably drunk, stoned or is otherwise looking back through the rose-tinted lenses of nostalgia.

Pope Expresses Concern For Sexual Abuse Victims Without The Slightest Trace Of Irony

Pope Lashes Out at Belgium After Raid on Church - NYTimes.com

In a move that filled onlookers with "dismay" and "disbelief", Pope Benedict Roman Numeral Who Cares expressed concern for the 'privacy' and 'rights' of the sexual abuse victims of the clergy, in a reaction to news that Belgian police were actually policing the clergy.

Stated Silvio Berlusconi of Rome, "Genuinely hard to believe he could say that without breaking down into laughter at some point. And I'm not even sure what language he speaks, to be honest--and I think I'm Catholic or something." American Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia chimed in, "Thank God I do not live in godless Western Europe with the filthy frogs--here in America, the intermediaries of Christ can delay justice for pretty much fucking ever." Everyone expressed regret that the Pope failed to compare himself with the victims of genocide, which all agreed would have been much more amusing. "Maybe next time," Jon Stewart muttered under his breath, with the slightest note of resignation. "Anyone got anymore British Petroleum CSPAN testimony?"


Name this movie, if you dare.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Afghanistan: Just A Few Trillion More Dollars Will Fix It

New At The Zoo

Please do not shock the monkeys. Keep moving please...keep moving...nothing to see here, just some monkeys hitting random typewriter keys to see if they will recreate "Hamlet". Stay in line...no flash photography please...keep moving please...keep moving....

Friday, June 25, 2010

Magic McChrystals Too Big For McChrystal's Britches by special guest columnist David Brooks

Or How The Sacking Of General Twat Is Actually The Fault Of Liberal Media Elitists But Not The Loud-Mouthed Twat

Yes, we can agree that General McChrystal's magical mchrystals had grown a wee bit too large to fit inside of his desert-camoflaged trousers. (Are his undergarments also camoflaged? Hmmm.)  But the real problem here is--as always--the liberal elite.

(Or as I call them while playing Call of Duty with my Weekly Standard and American Enterprise Institute pals, the leet.  Such as when I type 'whoa i pwned that l33t!!!!.'  And when we play the Nazi Zombie mode, we call them l33t zies.  But I digress...)

And if there's one thing worse than the liberal, Ivy League educated, high-falutin-giving-me-the-high-hat-elite, it's the liberal-media-elite.  Now back during WWII, when we culturally agreed on the view of Man as original-sin-ridden filth, we honestly keep our mouths shut.  Reporters and the media knew man was sin-ridden-filth, so they had no need to report on the number of prostitutes used by the Supreme High Command or bribes/kickbacks in the defense industry.  These are things no one needed to know.  So we didn't know.

Another thing about elitists is that they form groups of people who think alike--unlike churches, scientologists, the Republican Party, or extreme right-wing think tanks and propaganda bulletins, where dissent is tolerated--liberal elitists do not.  Liberals love conformity.  And even though liberals loved McChrystal, and he loved them (okay, that was just an outright lie, but since when did I worry about the truth?) the fact that he trashed them in front of a reporter who reports things just shows that liberals hate the truth.

As I knew all along, but I am grateful when a story comes along like this that I can twist into my own rather bizarre view of reality (hippies did it).  So to wrap things up, liberals hate the truth and I was right all along, as I always am.  Hopefully someday we can get back to understanding that Mankind is a hideous filth-ridden pile of crap, and there will be no need to report on unpleasant things.  Until then, I shall be here, poking my finger in the eye of the liberal elite.  I will remain completely unable to detect, much less remove the log from my own eye--whether because I'm insane, or just have an incredibly massive ego, or I'm legally blind--well, it is hard to say.  Because I'm completely incapable of acknowledging any flaw whatsoever.  So. Until that day.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

MUSINGS: Father's Day And Crap

I'm really glad I did accidentally become my own father while using the time machine.  Although it could explain quite a bit.

Understanding Relationships...

When you realize it's time to cut your losses, write off your investment, declare emotional bankruptcy, and vow never to trust anyone ever again.  Till the next time....And then you realize you just need a gun, a shovel, some plastic and enough gas to get you to the desert and back.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Excerpts From British Petroleum's Disaster Plan

Section Technical Training For Oil Spillage Clean Up Crews
"The Negroid Man, while subject to bouts and fits of happy singing, hand-clapping, and general roustabouting, is nonetheless capable of many hours of sustained hard laborf; this is due to his proclivity for the light of the sun and his willingness to follow directions (cf. Genesis)."

"Conversely, the Latin Man has been bred by the tropical sun and overabundance of ripe fruit therein to lay about in a slothful manner.  Therefore they cannot be relied upon for the hard laborf which will be requireth should such calamities take place.  When unsupervised, they are known to spontaneously dance about and therefore are inferior to the Negroid Races, who faced the challenges of lions, tigers, elephants, and slavers on a daily basis."

"It is believed that a great bounty of gold lies just through the NorthWest Passage, and our fearless captains who brave the ice will be rewarded with endless treasures of whales and their oiles, which the Good Lord has placed their in their infinite numbers for our goodly harvest." 

"The Asian Man is very small, and though capable of--oh deuce it all my ink well is dry and my nurse informs me that it is time for another application of leeches.  I also must apply several unctions and unguents."

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Alejandro Amenabar's Agora.

Imagine a period piece about ancient Alexandria written and directed by George Lucas and you pretty much have this movie--it's the Phantom Menace of gladiator movies without gladiators, historical drama without drama, and way too many scenes with long dialogue about video-conference calls regarding the trade embargo on Naboo--er, about what's wrong with Ptolemaic astronomy.  I mean, I can watch the History Channel, PBS, and listen to NPR for goddsakes...and even just wanted to stand up and shout, "Ellipse! It's  a fucking ellipse! Everyone knows it's a fucking ellipse! It's not a goddam circle you idiots!"  

In another eerie Phantom Menace paralell, the boy-slave who's unrequited love for Rachel Hotjewess leads him to commit horrible acts is almost as interesting a character as Annie Skywalker and about as well-acted.

And if I never, never, never, NEVER see/hear slow-motion violence pared with mournful middle-easterny vocals, IT WILL BE TOO FUCKING SOON.

Okay, that being said, this movie does do one thing very well, and that is, make Christians look very, very scary....also interesting to see the first Christo-Islamic book burning (disclaimer: probably not the first), and how the only interesting character in the film, the Bishop of Alexandria, manipulates others to gain power, and uses his army of brown-shirted thugs to herald the dawn the Dark Ages.... In other words, this *should* have been the focus of the entire movie.  Also it feels very timely, at least here in the U.S., what with all of those lovely 'tea party' chappies who are just chomping at the bit to re-enact Kristalnacht.

I would have to say the historical recreation, for some reason, does not really work either, perhaps due to budgetary limitations, who knows?  There is a real-looking, um, Roman ship though.  So there.

BP Oil Executives Present Mexican Walrus Protection Plan To Congress

BP executives appeared before Congress yesterday to present a plan to protect the Mexican Walrus from oil spills that may happened over five thousand years ago. Stated BP CEO Tony Hayward, "We also have plans to protect the Nicaraguan Mastodon, the Guatemalan Goat Sucker, and the Texas Sabre-Tooth.

(pictured below: artist's rendering of soon-to-be-protected species by BP)

Prune'n'Glow by special guest star David Brooks


Hey folks, David Brooks here ready to have plain-speek with Real Americans, and boy it feels good to wash the filth and debris of the liberal degenerates that infest the NY Times building like pot-smoking termites. Just let me lock the door of my office, spray some eau du country club, leave an offering of jelly beans on my Reagansattva....ah, I'm all set.

Now you're thinking, "David, what could you possibly have to say that will be any different from anything any right-wing, anti-social-program, anti-tax, anti-anything-includingt-the-kitchen-sink have to say that's new?"

Well you might well ask that--that why exactly, 30 years after the Reagan Revolution. we still need to cut more taxes and services.  It's simple: budget surpluses create more jobs. Jobs create more income to tax. (Which we shouldn't).  And with this tax we can provide more services, improve our infrastructure, and create a more civil society.  (Which we won't.)  But the point is, we could. If we cut taxes.  Which we can't.

Turns out Republicans also like government spending--it gives them jobs when they leave the government.  And when conservatives have money, they can use some of it to prop up shills like me in propaganda mills....er, think tanks....and give jobs to people like me (cheap shills).  Not to mention those lobbyists that everyone hates unless they happen to elected.

Now when Shrubya (and Reagan) decided to cut taxes and run up a massive deficit, it was good.  Because how else can tax-cutters stay in power in order to cut taxes? You just cut taxes!  But you need to keep up those huge tax breaks to your cronies in business, the lobbying industry, the arms manufacturers, nation-invasion-suppliers, petroleum drillers, petroleum spillers, etc. etc. etc.  The list just goes on and on.  So what do you do? Run up a huge deficit till you lose a round of elections--then you can blame the new guys (some of whom are really old guys but let's not split hairs) for the giant shit pile you left behind.  And that's where I come in--a cheap shill to help point fingers and redirect blame.  And by gob, here I am!

Do I really know if deficits are bad, or surpluses good? How could I possibly know? I'm either a cheap opinion-whore or a frightening combination of smugness with utter cluelessness, utterly lacking in the slightest detectable trace of shame or humility!

So the message of deficit reduction is this: I'm never going to change. Why should I?  If this job falls through I'll just go to Fox News.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I Am A Woman And I Am Pro-Life by Raneesh Ponnuru


Greetings.  As a pro-life woman, I would just like to speak on behalf of other pro-life women.  Many of us women--especially those of us brown-skinned women of color that people like Michelle Obama and Donna Brazil enjoy feeling so smugly superior to (as communist-socialist-liberal-elites), it is truly wonderful that humble women of color who are stereotyped as weak and powerless by the liberal media can come out, stand together, and show our love for life and god by making sure other women do not get birth control..

For example, Carly Fiorina, who as a woman with some sort of ethnic-sounding name and and a former humble CEO of Hewlett-Packard--and like most former CEOs, cannot get pregnant and has never had children--Carly Girl understands how precious life is.  Because her barren uterus gives her the insight to judge what is right for other women, especially those living below the federal poverty line, she knows in her heart that her only hope to win the Repulican nomination was to be anti-abortion.

Many more women of color (like myself) would be pro-life as well if only they were not being misled by the liberal elite.  While many impoverished women buy into the liberal myth that they can choose what is best for themselves and their families, the truth is quite different--only wealthy and powerful women with ethnic sounding names can actually know what is best for your family.

Regardless of your family's race, religion, social status, genetics, medical history, or any other factors, the most important thing is that the Republican Party knows what is best for your family.  And the editors of the National Review? Please, we know, oh dear do we know!

And if that means putting a woman in prison until she conceives and then taking her child away from her and giving it to complete strangers approved of by the evil government (which we pro-life women loathe and despise), then so be it.   Because the ends justifies the means when the ends is more babies.  (Unless we have to bomb the shit out of them--but that's God's Will, which is totally different from birth control and abortion--which is Free Will.)

I am a beautiful woman of color and I wrote this message.
Raneesh Ponnuru, Senior Schill, National Review

And all this before Boy George had even been born.

(On the other hand, he was named 'boy', so perhaps that's cheating.)

YouTube - Masculine Women! Feminine Men! (1926): ""

Monday, June 7, 2010

Who Will Protect Our Nation's Predatory Lenders?

An Initiative to Ease Student Loan Debt - The Choice Blog - NYTimes.com

This question haunts many of us these days: What will become of our nation's usurers, predatory money-lenders, pawn brokers, and debt-enslavement corporations?  Will they still be able to take advantage of anyone naive enough to think an overpriced college education will lead to a life of middle-class comfort, security and stability?Every time a major corporation takes a hit, millions of children are affected.  A reduction in profits for Citibank would cause untold numbers of families of lobbyists and lawyers will be tossed out on the street like like so many leftover meals--and think of the tropical aquariums! Will there be a home for them? And what of the mistresses of executives, turned out of their apartments due to limits on credit card interest rates? What will happen to them?

Still, hope remains--as long as the contract remains a black hole of apprehension, infinitely dense in meaning and sucking in all lucidity within its gravitational field.  And as long as that hold, we can yet hope that our nation's great bondage-enslavers will remain preeminent

Not Buying It.

Mind - Fooling the Doctors, Some of the Time - NYTimes.com:
“It is better to suffer wrong than to do it,” Samuel Johnson wrote, “and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.”

Sunday, June 6, 2010


Sometimes I like to lie back in a grassy field and stare at the clouds and ponder, Could Moses could shoot 80's laser beams from his fingers to deal with recalcitrant polythesists?

CINEMA CORNER: Passengers (U.S., 2008)

Terrible.  Basically a femmie movie though--this might be the Fried Green Tomatoes of horror.  Unlike the 'Twilight' movies, this one does manage to create an eerie mood in a few scenes, but it's all tossed down the drain by the overly repetitious somber music and incredibly dull dialogue: 'Like I have this sister and she and I don't get along and stuff cuz like we have different views on life and like she doesn't all answer my emails.'

Actually, it's probably for the same people who would buy a DVD of the American take on Dark Water: Giant girls.  So if you have a room full of stuffed bears, this movie is for you.

I will give Anne Hathaway one thing--you can not not look at her freakily beautiful
face. Those eyes and lips are just way too huge for that skull and

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Al and Tipper Gore Splitsville: Setback For Confucianism?

Al and Tipper Gore: An unexpected, unsettling breakup - latimes.com

Busta Union: White Men Get It Up

Always good to see a white man pretend that he cares about the ghetto while indulging in some good old-fashioned right-wing union busting. What are the odds that his outrage doesn't extend to actually cutting costs (such as textbooks) but rather passing on the goodies to friends, benefactors and campaign contributors. Of course if there is one thing a pettifogging school administrator loves, it's having the power to bully the teachers who actually do the teaching. And as we all know, all mid-level managers are wonderful, caring people.

American Thinker Blog: Governor Christie slams public teacher unions

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

One Step Closer To Victory

Only 2 million terrorists (and terrorist sympathizers, religious extremists, people with an axe to grind, those out for revenge against the U.S., the intimidated, the unemployed who plant IED's to make ends meet, opium smugglers, corrupt government officials) to go.

Starbucks Adds Leonard Cohen To "Saturday Morning Suicide Playlist"

Explained Starbucks PR rep Adam Smitthee, "We just thought we could eliminate some of those depressed people who do nothing on the weekend but stick around and mope--they reduce table space and drive off less morbid customers. We also added The Beatles' Eleanor Rigby, just to rub salt in it."

Our Epic Foolishness - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com

Our Epic Foolishness - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com: "The pundit-industrial complex made sure that no one deviated from the official line that America was the greatest country in the world and had nothing to learn from anyone else. Everyone was making too much money to stop bilking and exploiting fellow Americans, who, true to American culture, 'didn't hold by book larnin' and just believed everything they heard on the radio and on TV."