Sunday, May 29, 2011

Condoleezza Rice Commits Seppuku

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice died early this morning in an apparent ritualistic act of contrition via seppuku (hara-kiri). A spokesman for the Washington D.C. Police Department read a statement to the press, accompanied by a drum and wooden flute: "At dawn this morning, the 23rd year of Heisei, Secretary Rice kneeled before the Washington Memorial.

Dressed in a pure white kimono, and bathing in the glow of the Sun God, she unsheathed her short wakizashi sword and proclaimed, "The Emperor Bush is innocent of all crimes! I take all responsibility for all acts of malfeasance performed in his name! May I serve the Emperor in Heaven!" Additionally, she left an elegantly scribed note in the style of her calligraphy master which read, "Will someone please remember to turn off the gas? Also, I have a stack of uncorrected papers on my desk in my office, if someone could hand those to Steve, my graduate assistant, it would be most appreciated. Yeah, make sure Steve gets those papers."

When asked for comment, his August Imperial Majesty could not be reached. Only a handmaid answered the door to the palace, who would only say, "Meester Bush riding his bicycle." However, it was reportedly said by the Daimyo of Clan Cheney, "His August Imperial Majesty is most pleased that Secretary Rice passed to Heaven honorably. Her sacrifice has removed the stain of shame and dishonor from her memory. She will serve Him well in Heaven."

In other news, there are also reports of a vengeful, angry ghost with short black hair, dressed in a white kimono stained in blood, terrorizing tourists in the vicinity of the National Mall. It is said that her presence is preceded by the sound of wooden flute playing God Bless America.

A Tornado Can Do For Your Town What A Nuclear Accident Did For Chernobyl: Put It On The Fucking Map!

So the next time you're thinking about increasing tourism, think "horrific disaster". Won't you?

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst Now A Film Director Too

Fred Durst, best known for his 1985 electro/hip-hop/dance hit, Rapezoid (which tells the story of an android that just wants to "boogie all the time in the worst possible way"), is now a film director. In fact, for those of us who just assumed that he had probably crawled into a hole and died of shame, we must stand corrected. Mr. Durst has in fact directed two films: Rapezoid Goes To Oxford (generally referred to as Rapezoid I), and Rapezoid II: Road To Mogadishu). Currently, it is reported that his opus-to-be, Rapezoid In Space, is in production. Therefore, Mr. Durst, we salute you.


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Christianity Means Delaying Heavenly Bliss As Long As Possible, Provided That It Does Not Involve Socialized Medicine


Oprah Fans Able To Watch Oprah Watching The Oprah Network


Correction: When I said, "A Spielberg movie is a soul-less journey into the Suburban White Kid Mythos with non-threatening ethnic token," I was mistaken. I meant to say, "A Spielberg movie is like being gang-raped by a horde of zombies until one can feel neither pleasure nor pain." 

Thank you for your patience.


Sunday, May 22, 2011

MUSINGS: On Marriage

As a wise man once said, "The end of a romance, and the beginning of a tragedy." But drama aside, let's not forget that it also seems to involve quite a bit in the way of bookkeeping. I mean, you need a whole subsection of accounting for simply for blame, and attempting to accurately debit and credit guilt so it balances in your ledger can be quite a nuisance. Many spend decades doing exactly that and even then it often won't. Why? Because people refuse to keep receipts. So remember, proper record-keeping is essential to any successful marriage and the unsuccessful ones as well.

I Am So Above-Average It Would Blow Your Fucking Mind

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Marvelous Synergystic Quarks Of The Highly Enlarged Social-plasm


We in America should take a cue from the British government. First of all, they are 'conservative', so it's okay for me to like them (without the virtual stoning).

Secondly: By suggesting new ways for people to demonstrate concern for one another , the Tories have given us a new way. An exciting, new, path, to make the world a better place! And without requiring anyone to actually do anything! (Now that, mes amis, is some fucking freedom.) (And isn't the freedom to not really give a crap the greatest freedom of all?)

But what, ask my angry tax-hating readers, is that cue? Well it's marvelously, ludicrously simple (yet complex): The eliciting of empathy-nominative-behaviors in a synergystic complex of emotive-emitting quark-fields resulting in a highly-enlarged vortex of engaged-social-plasm.

Skeptics, of course, shall laugh, but we shall see who shall laugh last. (I'll give you a clue--it's me.) The creation of highly-engaged-and-enlarged-social-plasms is an exciting and utterly new field of New Studies. Directed by no less an authority than Dr. Beefwit Crankshunker, PhD, of Oxford at Pigshire, County County, England, we are learning utterly new things in the field of Newology. And the most exciting thing of all is that these shiny newness-es will allow us to slash taxes, cut spending on wasteful things like education and nursing-home care--but still have education and nursing-home care. Or at least, let us feel much better about ourselves while doing nothing about the lack of education or nursing-home care. And isn't feeling good what American is all about?


Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Fascist Octopus, Having Sung Its Swan Song, Needs to Retire -

The Fascist Octopus, Having Sung Its Swan Song, Needs to Retire -

Space Crap

Billions of Planets Drift Alone, Far From Parent Stars -

Fishbein's Hot Tip Of The Week: Return Of Christ And All That Whatnot

A highly reliable source has informed us through our exclusive back channels that the rapture is coming this very Saturday. So if you have yet to accept the J-Man into your heart as your savior, time to go to call your bookie or broker and bet heavily on gold, tobacco, and ammunition. I am also predicting that Schwarzenegger will have a love child with Kate Middleton, who will be revealed as a hopeless bingo & opium addict.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My First Two Wives Were Shit

That's right, my first two wives were just plain crap, so it's no wonder I betrayed both of them. But with #3 here, I've finally found true love, true religion (it's Catholicism by the way) and have grown into a mature, responsible adult who can say things such as, "Kenyans are taking over--run for the hills!". And it only took me 70 years! Anyhoo, take a gander at Crazy Eyes over there, ain't she something?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Where America Went Wrong


Let's face it: America has gone horribly wrong. It's terrible. Once we used to breed black people as slaves and now look...the telepathic sentient reptiles that rule the world from their secret lair in Antarctica are corrupting our youth with Judd Apatow films. Where did it all go wrong? Well I'll tell you: Electricity and the horseless carriage. And going off the gold standard.

Therefore, let me iterate my presidential platform: 

  • A total and complete reversion to steam locomotives;
  • Closing the federal reserve and returning to a money supply based on gigantic wheels of cheese or salt;
  • Ending all unnecessary production of electricity and limiting electronic communication to the telegraph.
Only then will we be able to stand together once more as a nation, invade the reptiles lair in Antarctica, and return those leathery-skinned bastards to the Andromeda Galaxy. And they can take Judd Apatow with them. I mean, 12 bucks to see Bridesmaids? Is he fucking kidding? 

And therefore, my fellow Republicans, please vote for me in the primary; I am the last, best hope for our nation. May God have mercy on our wretched souls.


Saturday, May 14, 2011

What Shoe Salesmen Do

Mr. Brooks' Magical Balloon Ride

Many opinionators such as myself spend a great deal of time wearing shoes. But what of the those who produce and distribute the shoes in which we citizens abide? Pretty much zilch. So I decided to rectify this shoe-neglect posthaste.

The first such establishment in my perambulation had a sign which read, "Lady Footlocker". Excellent, I thought to myself. I have found a place that sells shoes--thereby meeting my goal of finding a shoe-selling place. Introducing myself to the salesman, I asked, "How would you find a shoe for me?" He replied, "Well, I probably wouldn't, because we only sell womens' shoes here. Maybe your wife or daughter..." He drifted off and shrugged his shoulders. Stumped, I left, but felt confident that I would soon find another clue in my journey.

Eventually, after many vain hours of searching, I was very close to giving up, when suddenly on the yonder horizon I saw it: "Galleria Next Exit". Perhaps here my wanderlust could be sated. And indeed it was very soon before I was seated in a moderately comfortable chair and a not un-attractive saleswoman had my dainty left foot in her hands. "Now," said I to myself, "I shall learn much about shoes!" But then faster than you can say, 'whirling dervish with a switch blade,' she whipped out a strange device. It was metallic yet inscribed with markings and numerals. "What is this?" I cried out.

The saleswoman told me it was a measuring tool to "measure" my foot; she then instructed me to place my foot inside of it. Of course I suspected that she was going to collect my sock lint to use in a voodoo doll and then curse me, but I felt it was incumbent upon me as a journalist to proceed. Still it was more than simply the fear of bad juju that made me uncomfortable. I did not care for this notion of 'measurement'. It was not long for me to discover why.

After completing this process of foot 'measurement', she disappeared into the stockroom. I sat helplessly, waiting in dread. Seconds felt like hours. Time was extended, stretched out. This must be, I thought to myself, what Purgatory is like. I was certain that I die in that chair, waiting endlessly, like Sisyphus, a ghost cursed to all eternity to attempt a futile gesture.

Then the salesgirl came back.

She had several pairs of sensible wingtips--but something was wrong! (In other words, my intuition was right. Just so you get that point, I'll probably mention it again but don't forget.) Yes, something was terribly wrong! None of the shoes fit! In other words, this process of 'measurement' had utterly failed. One pair was a bit cramped; another, a bit too large; some shoes fit one foot but not the other. The saleswoman attempted to evade responsibility, claiming that my feet were, in her words, "freakishly abnormal monstrosities." But you and I reader see the real problem: Measuring the thing is not the same as the thing itself. And this is exactly what is so horribly wrong with our nation today.

We need to look at the thing itself but the Asian-Jewish-Meritocratic-Elites (JAME) have taught us to 'measure' things. Well guess what, elitists? My feet are not deformed freaks which are in need of corrective surgery! They are beautiful creations of my 100% genuine Real American freedom-loving DNA! (And that garbage truck that backed up over one when I was six.) And so, elitists, you can keep your inches, your centimeters, your pounds per square inch and your fathoms and leagues! We, the Real Americans, insist that you see the real thing--not a convenient abstraction!

Thank you and good night.

U.S. Scrutinized John Ensign - Senate Dug Deeper -

U.S. Scrutinized John Ensign - Senate Dug Deeper -

An election commission official, who asked not to be identified while the case was pending, acknowledged that the commission took the senator at his word, whereas the Senate dug deeper. This official expressed anger to learn the true circumstances behind the $96,000 payment.

“I really hate it when another investigation makes us look like idiots for pretending to believe that someone's parents would give 100 large as a gift to the his mistress,” the official said, adding: “Christ, my ass is really going to take a pounding this week."

Man Accidentally Ends Up In Navy Seals

"Well, I confused 'Master Chief' with 'Master Chef' and that's how I ended up in the Navy instead of Cordon Bleu. No wonder everyone laughed every time I asked, 'When do we start learning about sauces?'

A Veteran of Bin Laden Assault Unit SEAL Team Six Describes His Training | Politics | Vanity Fair


Sometimes you have to lie or commit adultery to defend America. For Newt, that's about every 5 seconds.

Newt Gingrich’s Pinocchio-laden debut - The Fact Checker - The Washington Post


Australia: Immigration Crisis?

Is there a potential downside to allowing more Asian refugees into Australia? Perhaps. However, history tells us it will also lead to an enormous increase in the local production of martial-arts movies, such as "Mad Wombat Kung Fu", "Drunken Wombat Style Killer", "Wombat Assassins Of Brisbane", "Kangaroo Versus Koala",  and "Sydney Clan Killers". It's a cornucopia of possibilities.

(Assuming I understand anything about history.)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

HEADLINES: Gay People Approve Of Presbyterians


What's Worse Than A Dirty Commie Professor?

A Dirty Commie Catholic Professor. (Or so it seems.)

Catholic Professors Criticize Boehner in Letter -

Movie News: Sextronsity

Sextronsity is the latest in the Asian horror genre. At a girls' school two chicks are smoking opium in the bathroom with some a black market manga so reprehensible in content that both of the girls go insane and instantly embark on a killing spree.

Many corpses later, they are shot by police and become malicious ghosts that inhabit the school cafeteria, seeking revenge by pissing on the kimchi just before the lunch bell. Needless to say, this sends the administrators into an downward spiral of sex and death, and before you can say "There's a girl with dark hair crawling out of a well" there are several more dead bodies including one girl who's mistakenly stir fried and served as 'breakfast squid'.

Subsequently, a bipolar homicide detective from Hong Kong appears. Then she falls down the well and is never seen again. No one seems to wonder why. Finally the manga is burned and the curse is lifted although by this time most of the students are dead and some of the parents are beginning to wonder if they should ask for a refund. (In a sequel currently in production, the curse lives on in the refund checks.)

You Blind Ignorant Deluded Assholes

by Echochamber Douthat

Let's start with the facts: Liberals are blind, stupid, ignorant, and deluded assholes. Granted, that's pretty obvious to anyone not emotionally invested in The Current Administration (which has been a failure since Day One, when we conservatives knew it would be a disaster). I'm not denigrating anyone. Just establishing a starting point for discussion.

And now we can officially say that Obama is treading in Bush's footsteps (think, say, Disciple:Jesus). And there are countless bits of supporting evidence to substantiate this claim. During his campaign for president, Obama promised to "get Bin Laden". But once elected, Obama didn't. Classic Bush. (Later, he did. But let's not dwell on that, except to note that succeeding in something makes him Bush-like, if by 'success' you mean 'riding a bicycle and constantly challenging his staff to bike races like a 10-year-old.')

Did Obama create an unconstitutional little offshore Bastille? No, but he didn't close Bush's either. Apparently Democrats have matured sufficiently to realize that Obama is not omnipotent. I backhandedly congratulate them on their belated maturity.

Did Bush need to know what was happening in Iraq? No. And neither do I. Ask anyone who was in Iraq. I can't think of anyone who had anything negative to say about it. All this talk talk talk about Obama being "intelligent". Did Our Beloved Bicyclist In Chief require facts to invade Iraq, or to order an assault in Fallujah, and then to rescind the order after troops had already advanced, and then order another assault, compounding tragedy with even more pointless tragedy. Did Our Beloved Shrub need to know that even as his administration was selling aluminum tubes as potentialities of mushroomesque clouds, another cog in the executive branch wheel had already determined that they were no such thing? Did Bush need Hans Blix looking over his shoulder and trying to decide for The Decider? Did Bush need to reign in the neocon attack dragons with some common sense? Of course not. And let's hope Obama won't either.

In other words, an unnecessary intervention to stem a threat that wasn't was exactly the war we needed. I had no idea that these things cost money back in 2002.

And that's why intervening in Libya to prevent a human rights catastrophe was a mistake. (If you read it again it all makes sense somehow.)

But the real lesson we need to take from this is this (lesson): Never admit that your party twice elected a fool who's only business experience was to destroy every business that he ran, and when anointed, chose the worst kind of self-deluded tools to run the government, and even worse, he took their advice, stubbornly clinging to anyone perceived as loyal and unwilling to question The Decider's deciding.

Because then I'd look like the tool. Oh, and a pox on the deficit and whatnot.

Al Pacino: My Exclusive And Timely Interview

Sometimes people ask me, "Why did you do 88 Minutes? I mean, what a crock!" 

Well, it's very complicated and by complicated I mean simple: I did this movie because I read the screenplay and was that made me stop and think, "Wow, I'm in every scene. In fact I'm in nearly every shot in the damn movie. That's more time that people are looking at me, and I thought, "Boy, doesn't the audience deserve that?"

And, um, the money was just right.


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Dear Seal Team Six

Dear Seal Team Six: Why can't you guys go into a hostile foreign nation in the middle of the night and subdue people with a clown hammer or maybe some pepper spray. My mom carries pepper spray in her purse so I'm pretty sure you could get some too. I even have some on my keychain.


The New Oopsism

by  DAVID 
When our Beloved Founding Fathers (BFFs)
went to the fuss and bother of creating this great republican democracy thingie, they knew that the Common Man (CM) (which, if you're reading this, is you)...would doubt himself--nay, he would prefer to burn himself in the fires of modesty. And thusly from the ashes of modesty arose a modest nation of virtuous self-restraint. With a bit of land-grabbing and genocide and slavery along the way but over all the it was a very modest process. (Of course in 1799 a rich man was someone who didn't have to wipe his backside with his left hand so maybe there's an implicit assumption that is completely incorrect but let's not start with the hair-splitting.)

Therefore, this nation was founded on one fundamental principle: Utter and absolute distrust. So I can take great satisfaction when people think that Obama is a citizen of Mongolia or Bhutan, or that he works for the Illuminati, or the Muslim Brotherhood, or all of the above. After all, who's to say aliens don't invade our dreams every night and force us to remember that time we saw our mother naked in the bathtub? Why else would I remember that?

However, we have failed quite often in the past 100 years. At times, we have trusted in other people. This is a huge problem for the republican in us, as some of these trusted folk are in fact agents of The Biggest Brother: The United States of America. Oh, you can laugh, but right  now I can see hapless USDA personnel trying to enforce food safety regulation--and costing you money. Do you want to be safe or do you want money? You can't have both. Therefore we need to educate Americans. The CMs need to be as mistrustful of institutions as were our BFFs.

"But David," you cry, "I don't want my children to die of Salmonella poisoning! And how will Grandma get her hip replacement if Medicare doesn't pay for it?"

Exactly. The USA can't stop your children from dying or Grandma from, um, not-walking. So why expect something it cannot do and give up the most precious thing in your life? (The most precious thing in your life is freedom, in case you didn't guess what I was going to say next): Freedom. So you can have your life of fear of caution, if you wish. Me? I prefer the freedom of being tossed about by the winds, going wherever they take my balloon. Hopefully it won't be Mexico.


Friday, May 6, 2011

When Did Jon Stewart Become Jon Stewart?

Kudos to taking on the Ed Show--a show that only Ed watches could have a dangerous influence on Ed. Whole thing might go to his noggin. Will Stewart have anything to say about the incredibly deep denial as the old Shrubya team is trotted out again to remind us all of what a great job they did? Or will he keep up his one man war against the MSNBC, the channel nobody watches? Amazing.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Wombat That Took Down Bin Laden

It has been reported that the elite Seal Team Six unit that killed Osama Bin Laden was in fact personally led by a marsupial--Naval Commander George S. Wombat Esq.
Although we were not able to obtain a recent photo, we have been informed by high-ranking sources in the Pentagon that Commander Wombat (an alias) became a U.S. Naval Officer shortly after completing his law degree, and was quickly recruited by Special Operations due to his "acute sense of smell and powerful forelimbs." He quickly rose through the ranks and into the elite of the elite and has been serving in JCOM since December of 2001.

Outrage in Pakistan fueled by the rage was further inflamed by the news that a marsupial had been involved, as many Islamic scholars feel that the teachings of their religion exclude any member of the family Vombatidae. In a press release, President Ali Zadari, forbade the U.S. from conducting any further "unilateral operations within our borders--especially the ones led by those filthy little bastards."


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Bush On Deciding To Fail To Capture Bin Laden At Tora Bora

‎"I had a choice: I could go for a stress-release bike ride, or I could listen to some old boring guy drone on about how he needed more troops at Tora Tora Tora to catch Bin Stretchy. I think I made the right choice at the time, and I stand by that today."
-George W. Bush


Cheney Distorts Information Regarding Size & Location Of His 8:48 AM Bowel Movements

It has been reported by noted investigative reporter Seymour Hersch of The New Yorker that Dick Cheney has not been releasing fecal material of the size he has claimed. In addition, Mr. Hersch reported that the location of the released material is not, as he has claimed in many interviews, his toilet. "In fact, anonymous sources have revealed to me that it is coming out of his mouth. No one can be sure as to the precise cause of this bizarre and mysterious malady; however, it appears to have reached epidemic proportions in former members of the Bush Administration." When asked for comment, a senior official at the NIH (who refused to allow himself to be identified) said, "Well I can only speculate, but I've heard that swallowing too many lies can make you vomit, so maybe it can have a laxative effect as well."

How Bush, Rumsfeld & Cheney Finally Caught Bin Laden

They told everyone they did, and since Fox News keeps repeating that they did, it must be true.

Monday, May 2, 2011

How To Get Your Message Out To Swing Voters

To get your message out to swing voters, do the following:

  1. Reframe it as a story that involves Brer Rabbit;
  2. Put your feet up on a cracker barrel;
  3. Occasionally strum a banjo;
  4. Be certain that your wearing overalls or suspenders;
  5. Be sure the mention 'them dang-all high-hats in Washington don't give a hoot-n-holler for us reg'lur folks';
  6. Practice talking and dangling a straw from your mouth simultaneously;
  7. Pepper every sentence with as much homespun folksiness as possible.
  8. (And if you want to practice with a lasso at the same time, that might also work.)

Why Bin Laden's Death Doesn't Matter Now That A Democrat Is President

by Ross Douthat
Death of Bin Laden -

Many will want to celebrate Bin Laden's death as a victory. And I understand that impulse. As wrong as it is. For you see, now that a Democrat is president, the death of Bin Laden is irrelevant.

Funny how that works. I used to that Bin Laden's death would have had significance, but after Obama's election, the only really important thing in this country became the deficit. And there's nothing hypocritical about that.