Monday, September 5, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
the pros and cons of
being forced to look
pretty for Rick Perry.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
|Above: Photo of aging, soon-to-be|
replaced Voice of God and former
"It's going to be a lot like American Idol, viewers can text in their votes and other cool stuff, except that we couldn't get Seacrest. Will it be a ratings juggernaut? Well, we're up against Idol," said The Lord, shrugging his shoulders.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Congratulations, Mr. Stewart. You've gotten Ron Paul fans to like you. Too bad for the Daily Show, you've become the first-rate blowhard you've been railing against for the past decade or so. To wit: "What an asshole." I'm sure you can come up with a reason as to why the right-wing you've learned to love is disenfranchising their fellow Americans. Fortunately, I won't be watching. Not even Samantha Bee can make what's left of the wreckage of this show worth the bother.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
"But in the case of Carr, the idea that everyone seems to want a little bit of what she has is frankly fascinating, because the thing she is most famous for having is cancer. She was given the diagnosis in 2003 and rose to prominence with a 2007 documentary called “Crazy Sexy Cancer.” She subsequently wrote two successful books — “Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips” and “Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor” — about her peppy, pop-spiritual approach to her disease, and she soon became what she sometimes describes as a “cancerlebrity” or, at other times, a “cancer cowgirl.”"
Monday, August 8, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
So, Mr. Stewart--only the Daily Show is allowed to express honesty with sarcastic dickism? We should allow the religious fanatics to control public landmarks? If Obama has taught us anything, it's that compromising with fanatics WORKS. And what the hell does this have to do with health care? Hit the FAIL gong.
If a crescent moon had been found at Ground Zero would Fox News and Jon Stewart be rushing to defend and mount it at the site as a memorial? If one of the many falafel carts that service the many business men in that area were found among the wreckage would people be rushing to make it a symbol at Ground Zero?
To erect a cross at Ground Zero is to signify that it was a tragedy for a singularly Christian nation which the United States is not. There are people of other faiths and beliefs who are equally affected by the tragedy. Therefore I do not think any sort of cross should be erected at Ground Zero.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
"I imagine this is like lying in a coffin listening to nails as they are hammered in one by one. Good bye middle class."
Defeat; crushing defeat; drowned in bathtub by professional wrestler; eaten alive by herd of rabid shrews; run over by a train whilst standing on tracks, browsing thesaurus; bizarrely naive trust in one's enemies even as they castrate you; Poland 1939.
Wow, hard to choose which one I like the most."
"Make no mistake about it, what we’re witnessing here is a catastrophe on multiple levels."
Friday, July 29, 2011
Great montage and whatnot, but I couldn't help but feel that, as perhaps you have before, Mr. Stewart, you endorse the right-wing's cred as 'good peeps', THEN demonstrate how their fear, sense of self-righteous victimization (if not outright martyrdom) and paranoia is an endlessly regurgitating geyser. Hit, then a giant miss. I don't think you can really criticize Obama for being part of the "Cult Of Balance" (Krugman's term) when you yourself constantly remind us that you are also a devotee.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Concerned parents of children in a Minnesota school district are uniting to fight for their right to be intolerant assholes. When a local reporter asked one of these parents as to why, he replied, "Because that is what Jesus."
More on what Jesus wants as this story develops. Currently, Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ is denying rumors that he will appear on ABC's This Week With Christiane Amanpour.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
'“The whole problem is that there are people who have more credit debt than income, and they go out and buy a flat-screen television,” said Mr. Hunt, who expressed pessimism about a deal being reached. “Our politicians are a reflection of that rate of consumption.”'
Clearly he has thought this through.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
And just when that war was going so well...
Sophie's Choice - Cats Vs. Birds - The Daily Show with Jon Stewart - 07/11/11 - Video Clip | Comedy Central
Another unfunny, idiotic Fox News screen test from the Musliim Uncle Tom, Aasif Mandvi. I suppose the real question is, "Why do I care?" Because if I wanted to watch spurious bullshit, I'd watch Fox News.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
One can only hope that the NoW debacle is the beginning of the end of the 'evil' empire Murdoch has created."
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Examples of the above cited by the president include playing the board-game "Monopoly" with the board of Bank of America, a televised game of "Risk" which he will play against Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, posing for photo ops of himself issuing 'fun' over-sized checks with the words "From The Social Security Fund" to hedge fund managers, and "perhaps" pulling down his trousers and passing waste material on to a sidewalk in San Francisco whilst humming a new Toby Keith tune celebrating the forcible sodomizing of an imprisoned Iraqi man by Neo-Nazis.
"But that will not be the end," promised the president. "With these weapons, the speeches and the press conference and the news release, I will hammer relentlessly away at the spirit of those who supported me in '08. I will devote every waking minute of my life chipping away at their spirits, crushing their hopes with the ceaseless repetition of 'compromise' with those who do not know the meaning of word; dedicate myself to grinding down the prayers and dreams and wishes of little children by helping to wreck their nation. I shall continue to give my opponents every benefit of the doubt. And once they have proved beyond any doubt that they are soul-less scoundrels without an ounce of human decency, I shall compromise again. Love me and despair."
The president also said that prosperity is just around the corner.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Rushton and Jensen (2010) argue that the brain is metabolically demanding. In rats, cats, and dogs it uses about 5% of the body's energy; in non-human primates, 10%, in humans, 20%."
That's right, your brain is a parasite. (Like a tapeworm or a liberal.)
"When I said 'homosexuality is a disease', what I really meant to say was that it's infectious. Like happiness, or cholera."
The Lord Our One True God, Creator of the Universe, is apparently up to his old tactics again--this time with our children! This video shows evidence that he has found ways to indoctrinate them with "hymns" which apparently praise him and go on endlessly about his accomplishments.
Monday, July 4, 2011
assault rifle with a 30 round magazine. Oh, you can't...I reckon you'll
never know the sweet taste of LIBERTY.
(Liberty, that prostitute that died of AIDS recently. She worked on the corner of 5th and Main.)
Now lick my ammo, bitches!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
- Immerse the brain in a solution.
- Add information until saturated.
- Gradually add more information until information precipitate forms.
- Leave brain in solution for 40-50 years.
- Brain is just as stupid as when it came in.
- Apply for grant on gender-bathroom-equality or clean coal.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
We all know that above all things liberals love abortion. It is more dear to them, even, than food stamps or welfare queens living it up in Harlem or school teachers even. But just as I thought it was safe in Godly South Asia (love the kebabs), now even there the liberals are there, fist-deep in blood and uterine matter and gleefully aborting girl babies. That's right, baby girls.
You might ask, how the deuce is this the fault of liberals? Well it isn't--except that they created modern medicine which is being used in ways I disapprove of. Soon I'm people will come to their sense and we shall rid ourselves of these left-wing Dr. Frankensteins who insist upon playing Prometheus with the Will of Heaven. And of course they will burn in hell for all eternity. (Goes without saying.)
But what if people start practicing sex-selective abortion here? Without girls, there will be too many boys, and dire consequences to follow: A shortage (or surplus) of food, rampaging gay marriage mobs in the streets, and a severe lack of tender caresses. (In other words, a lot like being married.)
But the worst part is that those of us lucky enough to find wives will have to constantly appreciate them. The costs of appreciating women have already pushed this country to the verge of economic catastrophe! And there's no end to pleasing them! My credit line is already dry and I'm mortgaged to the hilt! For God's sake!
So. Anyway, in my next column I shall detail a number of remedies for this potential problem which may well never happen, but serves a wonderful purpose: Anytime a filthy hippie asks me, "What about the capital punishment, the poor, the hungry, the helpless, the disabled, the sightless, the toothless, the hearingless, the see and hear too muches, the casualties of war and pollution and toxic waste and global warming? What of them?"
And all I have to say is, "Abortion." And all is right with my world. Geez, it's really hot today, isn't it?
Monday, June 27, 2011
Several States Mandate Distribution And Use Of Morphine: "Life Too Painful In Our State", Say Legislators
In a move which has dismayed many across the nation, state legislatures in Nebraska, Idaho, Indiana, Oklahoma, and Arkansas have passed legislation requiring the distribution of morphine to every state resident. In addition, residents will undergo mandatory drug testing to ensure that they are indeed on drugs. Stated Senator Mike Johanns of Nebraska: "It's simply a matter of compassion. The grim and bleak living hell that pervades every second of being alive in Nebraska demands that we take action. You think we like looking at endless rows of corn fields every god damn day? Hell no!"
The Anti Pain Council Of America has furthermore urged that such requirements be extended to the unborn fetus, stating in a press release, "We have firm biological evidence that the unborn fetus can feel pain at 20 weeks, and therefore recommend that all pregnant women take additional morphine for the sake of their unborn child. We don't know what the heck is going on in there. There are no books or toys--that kid could be really, really bored. We can't let issues of whether not it might kill the mother stand in the way of compassionate pain reduction for all, including the unborn."
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
The formal Demand for Payment that Bush received at his home in the exclusive Dallas neighborhood of Preston Hollow included compensation for missing priceless artifacts looted from the Iraqi National Museum ($200 million), the cost of veterans medical bills over the next 100 years ($750 million), and damages for emotional suffering to the families of Iraqis who died as a result of the war ($50.00). Other restitution includes gasoline, ammunition, repair and replacement of combat vehicles, air-to-surface missiles, pilot-less drones, the loss of American dignity, general embarrassment for any intelligent person exposed to a Bush speech or press conference, unwanted back massages by foreign dignitaries, and burial costs for both Tony Blair's pride and well as any integrity he ever had.
Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia stated, "It is only fair that the elite are held to be responsible for their crimes, just as we would for any junkie who robs a liquor store. And at least the junkie can say he's on the junk." The lone dissenter, Justice Clarence Thomas, wrote a very brief opinion on the back of dinner napkin, which read: "I like cheese." His office refused to clarify statement and pointed a Wikipedia entry detailing a long history of American "patriots" submitting documents on not only table napkins, but also wrapping paper and shipping boxes. "There is also evidence that the original draft of the Declaration of Independence was in fact written on the back of dentist's appointment card," according the web page.
The former president declined comment, because according to a staff member, "He's busy helping Donald Rumsfeld move some furniture onto the back of pick-up they borrowed from Cheney."
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
It's with a heavy heart that we Umericans bid adieu to Weiner Gate. Did it not manage to take our minds off the petty details of our own empty souls? Did it not manage to make us feel a little more smug about those of us who haven't been involved in a national sex scandal? Did it not manage to further careers of journalists, perhaps some who can proudly say to their grandchildren, "I was there. I interviewed Wiener about his wiener."
And that is why I am demanding that Congress immediately vote upon a new Weiner Gate Memorial to be added to the National Mall; because we as a nation want, deserve, but above all, need it.
Imagine a giant marble tight boxer style undergarment concealing an unseemly bulge beneath. Majestically it will rise up, rivaling the Washington Monument, a perpetual reminder of the moment we as a nation (except the Amish) took a gander at a very amateurish cock-shot and either snickered like 10 year old boys or screeched in horror like lesbian nuns. (Except the Amish. I suppose that goes without saying, so just assume that for future reference, the Amish are generally not going to be included.)
Visitors will walk into the main lobby, and every slightly risqué shot of the wienerman will be reproduced as huge murals (and will also include the contribution of the humble peasants of Mexico to their history). And, there will be a family restaurant there, serving burgers and freedom fries and other crap.
Visitors will walk up the interior spiral staircase, the walls of which will be a museum and a tribute to the greatest journalists of our time: Wolf Blitzer, Luke Russert, Ryan Seacrest, and (all those others whose names I'm too lazy to look up). Photos and excerpts on plaques of their Wiener Gate interviews (because let's face it, none of these people will be remembered for anything else) shall be thrust into the faces of visitor, whose understanding of the beauty of the First Amendment will arise as they do, higher and higher, until they reach the climax: The Bulge.
This will be even more spectacular than everything that preceded it. There will be a bar, Cock Shotz (you'll never guess the name of their best known drink), a library tediously documenting every last bit of the scandal, a video game palace and day care for the kids, and a Starbucks. In the center will be an empty glass sarcophagus wherein Anthony Wiener shall eventually be mummified and entombed for eternity and for selling hats and t-shirts and whatnot. And there, finally, we will look at his naked pickled corpse and see IT for real. Probably will be a bit of let down, like when I saw Lenin's.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Since the beginning of time, new technologies have been associated, by many, with moral decline. Cell phones, playing cards, hippies, the Edison Wax Cylinder...all of these have been subject to the above claim. Sometimes these fears are just plain silly. However, sometimes they are not--and the bonergraph might just be the most dangerous of them all.
One day you're merely performing a shameful, desperate, lonely act--but along comes the bonergraph and it's just as likely you will be sending an image of that shameful act to a woman on another continent.
Technology really does affect character. Before the Internet I could snidely sneer at the fools and idiots who think differently from myself only via magazines and newspaper op-eds. Now I can snidely sneer at fools/idiots on my blog and op-ed column at the nytimes.com, as well as magazines and newspapers.
You know what, now that I think about it, I really haven't changed at all. Hmm, maybe next time I write a column, I should ask myself as to whether or not it makes any sense. Not that that's ever stopped me. (You stupid fucking liberal cunts.)
His resignation is just one more reason to despair about America's future. The one articulate voice the Democrats had since Obama transmogrified into Eisenhower is gone. Say hello to huge corporate bonuses, the nearly complete sell-out of our government to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and Wall Street. Soon we can replace our schools with audiobooks of The Holy Bible.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
The philosopher Edmund Burke once said, "Keep it in your trousers." And who are we to say otherwise? If we cannot trust our congressional representatives to conceal their bulges, how are we to trust them with our nuclear weapons?
Thus we need modest, reserved men. Men of humble modest humility. Men with huge expanses of modestitudiness, like our nations vast prairies or lakes of hogwaste. Men who don't wish to impose sweeping changes; for example, men like Obama, although since he's a Democrat who sometimes (though happily, not always) makes things 'better' (as the hippies would have it), I must be against him. Better instead to support a reserved, quiet chappie of vast humbletude who will veer the direction of our ship of state by humbly and modestly destroying it.
This is why Republican presidents have been so great for this country in the last 40 years: Honor. They only wreck the law (or the economy) in order to save it. The unfathomable Reagan (Iran-Contra), the duller-than-gray-carpet Bush Senior, the insipid cowboyism of Bush Junior (and his minions Cheney, Rummy, and Rice, none of whom would recognize truth if it were canned as a diet soda and sold on supermarket shelves) and his honorable delusions about his place in history...cream of the crop when you think about them.
So remember Mr. Burke's advice, and always always conceal your secret shameful desires under a veneer of boring conformity. It's the American Way. Unless your're not on my team.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
These are times that try apes' souls. Humans are everywhere, breeding like rabbits, devouring any edible thing in sight (and quite a few that are not), mowing down forests, leaving their garbage everywhere as though the whole planet is their sewer, and tossing bombs at each other while consistently refusing to clean up after themselves. And now they have devised fiendishly clever ways to send each other photos of their own junk. Clearly something must be done. Therefore I am submitting the following recommendations to the High Committee Responsible For The Maintenance Of Ape Purity:
- Mandatory Installation of Erectometers: All human males must now be equipped with modern electronic sensors on their genitalia. In this way, their sexual arousal level can be tracked at all times.
- Separation of the Sexes: Males and females must be kept apart at all times after having reached the age of reproduction. Because frankly they are just too big to flush. Also, this will significantly reduce the number of times a human female must state that she 'has a headache'.
- Make Cock Shots A Capital Crime: This needs no explanation. And since apparently sending a snapshot of one's genitals (even when concealed by underwear) is the greatest crime a human can commit, shouldn't we oblige them? (By executing as many of them as possible. Besides--my sword thirsts for human blood! Ah, sweet, delicious, but oh-so-fattening human blood.)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The wealthy are supposed to own the politicians, not the other way around. Okay? Okay.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The United Nations released a report last Friday documenting the utter failure of the War On Ignorance. The introduction to the report cited 'centuries of wasted effort and investment', including compulsory education, literacy, libraries, colleges, universities, scientific research, and even paranormal psychology.
It continues to say:
From the time of the first calendars, to that of the philosophers of Ancient Greece, many have advocated overcoming the woeful state of mans' confusion, frequently referred to as ignorance. However, again and again, Mankind has not only refused but actively resisted repeated attempts to free it from the yoke of delusion and superstition. The rise of Science appeared to intially provide some degree of hope; but Humanity instead preferred to re-interpret objective reality within a framework of previously held beliefs or existing biases. 'The price of tulips will always go up.' 'God gave my son polio to test my faith.' 'The Earth is 5000 years old.' 'T. Rex bones were created by Satan to lure you into hell.'
With the Internet came a new hope, that an oversupply of information would counter disinformation and falsehoods--alas, it was not to be. The supply of disinformation and distortion was merely amplified by millions of computers all over the globe. Even now, a substantial portion of the Earth's people believe that food and energy are potentially infinite, many think that vaccines cause disease, and that if you just eat some dehydrated seaweed you'll be A-OK.
Therefore, this report recommends that the War On Ignorance be ended. It is too expensive, too time-consuming, and requires too many scarce resources--resources that could be better devoted to improving our lives in more tangible ways, such as increasing access to reality TV, making sure every household on the globe has a celebrity scandal-sheet in the native language in order to track celebrity procreation/adultery/fornication, and inventing new artificial sweeteners for diet soda. By realistically re-ordering our priorities, we can make can more quickly destroy civilization and finally return to the lifestyle for which we originally evolved: Hunting, gathering, and dying of malaria at the ripe old age of 30.
However, no one appears to be aware of the report, owing to a celebrity wang shot that appeared on the internet just minutes before its publication.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Larry Mantle, conservative tax-hating radio host for a publicly-funded station in Los Angeles (KPCC) (go figure) and general all-around Republican/Right-Wing shill, asks, 'Why isn't the media following up on Andrew Brietbart's accusations?'
But I suppose the rule in news nowadays is 'follow the wiener'.
I have to say, I must congratulate the American media: A known liar and fabricator baited a hook for them, and like a school of retarded herrings they all jumped for it.
But can we blame them? After all, they spend their days listening to the most boring and predictable things in the world--politicians. Politicians incessantly reiterating the same dull pointless points over and over, the same meaningless 'move forward' 'go upwards' inspirational huffing and puffing, the endless evasions, feints, bluffs, and ploys in the poker that is the reality of American politics.
So when the possibility that a man drank a few beers, stuffed a sausage into his underwear and snapped a photo of it hit the proverbial fan, of course they will all leap like at that sausage like trained seals who bark on command. "Could the photo actually be that of a congressman with a slippery crowd-pleaser tucked into his nether realms?", they cry with anticipation? For this is what every journalist craves: A mystery. A mystery wrapped in a kielbasa wrapped in a male undergarment.
|"I know the size of|
my cock--why doesn't
|"I've picked my man-|
meat out of a police
line-up on a number
|The man who never doubts|
himself is a man you
And there's no reason anyone else should talk to them either.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I don't know who advocated for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (without checking Wikipedia, I'm guessing it was either Stalin or Chairman Mao) but boy was that guy wrong! A careful reading of 2 commencement speeches to college graduates have given me all the insight I need to understand how college graduates think. Which I'm sure is exactly like a college commencement address. (Sadly, I was not invited back to my alma mater to re-deliver my previous graduation speech, "The World Is A Miserable Dung Heap." Which simply proves my point.)
What our current crop of college graduates need to do is one thing: Conform. Did you hear that, young people? Conform conform conform. Let me repeat it one more time. Conform.
The critical mind might ask, "Conform to what, sir?" And my answer is, please shut the hell up. No one asked you to ask anything. Others might say, "But what of your insistence on the existence of Pioneering DNA in every Real American?" Fair question. Although only an idiot would ask it. But that was mostly about voting against anything Obama is for. Any idiot can see that. (Which is why most idiots would not ask that question.)
The pursuit of happiness? Bah humbug flim-flammery. It's only when we've been absorbed into the collective that we find happiness. However, our Real American DNA is perpetually threatened invading outsiders. Like a the usurper virus that invades the cell nucleus and begins producing copies of itself like a Hello Kitty factory, the Asian-Jewish-Elito-Mericratic disease is constantly trying to bypass the immune system of mindless patriotic jingoism and make its own carbon copies with our Real American ribosomes. Which, I've pointed out, is precisely the kind of conformity that we do NOT need.
So remember, conform, but conform correctly. Your DNA is counting on it.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice died early this morning in an apparent ritualistic act of contrition via seppuku (hara-kiri). A spokesman for the Washington D.C. Police Department read a statement to the press, accompanied by a drum and wooden flute: "At dawn this morning, the 23rd year of Heisei, Secretary Rice kneeled before the Washington Memorial.
Dressed in a pure white kimono, and bathing in the glow of the Sun God, she unsheathed her short wakizashi sword and proclaimed, "The Emperor Bush is innocent of all crimes! I take all responsibility for all acts of malfeasance performed in his name! May I serve the Emperor in Heaven!" Additionally, she left an elegantly scribed note in the style of her calligraphy master which read, "Will someone please remember to turn off the gas? Also, I have a stack of uncorrected papers on my desk in my office, if someone could hand those to Steve, my graduate assistant, it would be most appreciated. Yeah, make sure Steve gets those papers."
When asked for comment, his August Imperial Majesty could not be reached. Only a handmaid answered the door to the palace, who would only say, "Meester Bush riding his bicycle." However, it was reportedly said by the Daimyo of Clan Cheney, "His August Imperial Majesty is most pleased that Secretary Rice passed to Heaven honorably. Her sacrifice has removed the stain of shame and dishonor from her memory. She will serve Him well in Heaven."
In other news, there are also reports of a vengeful, angry ghost with short black hair, dressed in a white kimono stained in blood, terrorizing tourists in the vicinity of the National Mall. It is said that her presence is preceded by the sound of wooden flute playing God Bless America.
A Tornado Can Do For Your Town What A Nuclear Accident Did For Chernobyl: Put It On The Fucking Map!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thank you for your patience.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
|by DAVID BROOKS|
We in America should take a cue from the British government. First of all, they are 'conservative', so it's okay for me to like them (without the virtual stoning).
Secondly: By suggesting new ways for people to demonstrate concern for one another , the Tories have given us a new way. An exciting, new, path, to make the world a better place! And without requiring anyone to actually do anything! (Now that, mes amis, is some fucking freedom.) (And isn't the freedom to not really give a crap the greatest freedom of all?)
Skeptics, of course, shall laugh, but we shall see who shall laugh last. (I'll give you a clue--it's me.) The creation of highly-engaged-and-enlarged-social-plasms is an exciting and utterly new field of New Studies. Directed by no less an authority than Dr. Beefwit Crankshunker, PhD, of Oxford at Pigshire, County County, England, we are learning utterly new things in the field of Newology. And the most exciting thing of all is that these shiny newness-es will allow us to slash taxes, cut spending on wasteful things like education and nursing-home care--but still have education and nursing-home care. Or at least, let us feel much better about ourselves while doing nothing about the lack of education or nursing-home care. And isn't feeling good what American is all about?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
|by NEWT GINGRICH|
Sunday, May 15, 2011
|by NEWT GINGRICH|
Let's face it: America has gone horribly wrong. It's terrible. Once we used to breed black people as slaves and now look...the telepathic sentient reptiles that rule the world from their secret lair in Antarctica are corrupting our youth with Judd Apatow films. Where did it all go wrong? Well I'll tell you: Electricity and the horseless carriage. And going off the gold standard.
Therefore, let me iterate my presidential platform:
- A total and complete reversion to steam locomotives;
- Closing the federal reserve and returning to a money supply based on gigantic wheels of cheese or salt;
- Ending all unnecessary production of electricity and limiting electronic communication to the telegraph.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Many opinionators such as myself spend a great deal of time wearing shoes. But what of the those who produce and distribute the shoes in which we citizens abide? Pretty much zilch. So I decided to rectify this shoe-neglect posthaste.
The first such establishment in my perambulation had a sign which read, "Lady Footlocker". Excellent, I thought to myself. I have found a place that sells shoes--thereby meeting my goal of finding a shoe-selling place. Introducing myself to the salesman, I asked, "How would you find a shoe for me?" He replied, "Well, I probably wouldn't, because we only sell womens' shoes here. Maybe your wife or daughter..." He drifted off and shrugged his shoulders. Stumped, I left, but felt confident that I would soon find another clue in my journey.
Eventually, after many vain hours of searching, I was very close to giving up, when suddenly on the yonder horizon I saw it: "Galleria Next Exit". Perhaps here my wanderlust could be sated. And indeed it was very soon before I was seated in a moderately comfortable chair and a not un-attractive saleswoman had my dainty left foot in her hands. "Now," said I to myself, "I shall learn much about shoes!" But then faster than you can say, 'whirling dervish with a switch blade,' she whipped out a strange device. It was metallic yet inscribed with markings and numerals. "What is this?" I cried out.
The saleswoman told me it was a measuring tool to "measure" my foot; she then instructed me to place my foot inside of it. Of course I suspected that she was going to collect my sock lint to use in a voodoo doll and then curse me, but I felt it was incumbent upon me as a journalist to proceed. Still it was more than simply the fear of bad juju that made me uncomfortable. I did not care for this notion of 'measurement'. It was not long for me to discover why.
After completing this process of foot 'measurement', she disappeared into the stockroom. I sat helplessly, waiting in dread. Seconds felt like hours. Time was extended, stretched out. This must be, I thought to myself, what Purgatory is like. I was certain that I die in that chair, waiting endlessly, like Sisyphus, a ghost cursed to all eternity to attempt a futile gesture.
Then the salesgirl came back.
She had several pairs of sensible wingtips--but something was wrong! (In other words, my intuition was right. Just so you get that point, I'll probably mention it again but don't forget.) Yes, something was terribly wrong! None of the shoes fit! In other words, this process of 'measurement' had utterly failed. One pair was a bit cramped; another, a bit too large; some shoes fit one foot but not the other. The saleswoman attempted to evade responsibility, claiming that my feet were, in her words, "freakishly abnormal monstrosities." But you and I reader see the real problem: Measuring the thing is not the same as the thing itself. And this is exactly what is so horribly wrong with our nation today.
We need to look at the thing itself but the Asian-Jewish-Meritocratic-Elites (JAME) have taught us to 'measure' things. Well guess what, elitists? My feet are not deformed freaks which are in need of corrective surgery! They are beautiful creations of my 100% genuine Real American freedom-loving DNA! (And that garbage truck that backed up over one when I was six.) And so, elitists, you can keep your inches, your centimeters, your pounds per square inch and your fathoms and leagues! We, the Real Americans, insist that you see the real thing--not a convenient abstraction!
Thank you and good night.
An election commission official, who asked not to be identified while the case was pending, acknowledged that the commission took the senator at his word, whereas the Senate dug deeper. This official expressed anger to learn the true circumstances behind the $96,000 payment.
“I really hate it when another investigation makes us look like idiots for pretending to believe that someone's parents would give 100 large as a gift to the his mistress,” the official said, adding: “Christ, my ass is really going to take a pounding this week."
(Assuming I understand anything about history.)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Many corpses later, they are shot by police and become malicious ghosts that inhabit the school cafeteria, seeking revenge by pissing on the kimchi just before the lunch bell. Needless to say, this sends the administrators into an downward spiral of sex and death, and before you can say "There's a girl with dark hair crawling out of a well" there are several more dead bodies including one girl who's mistakenly stir fried and served as 'breakfast squid'.
Subsequently, a bipolar homicide detective from Hong Kong appears. Then she falls down the well and is never seen again. No one seems to wonder why. Finally the manga is burned and the curse is lifted although by this time most of the students are dead and some of the parents are beginning to wonder if they should ask for a refund. (In a sequel currently in production, the curse lives on in the refund checks.)
Let's start with the facts: Liberals are blind, stupid, ignorant, and deluded assholes. Granted, that's pretty obvious to anyone not emotionally invested in The Current Administration (which has been a failure since Day One, when we conservatives knew it would be a disaster). I'm not denigrating anyone. Just establishing a starting point for discussion.
And now we can officially say that Obama is treading in Bush's footsteps (think, say, Disciple:Jesus). And there are countless bits of supporting evidence to substantiate this claim. During his campaign for president, Obama promised to "get Bin Laden". But once elected, Obama didn't. Classic Bush. (Later, he did. But let's not dwell on that, except to note that succeeding in something makes him Bush-like, if by 'success' you mean 'riding a bicycle and constantly challenging his staff to bike races like a 10-year-old.')
Did Obama create an unconstitutional little offshore Bastille? No, but he didn't close Bush's either. Apparently Democrats have matured sufficiently to realize that Obama is not omnipotent. I backhandedly congratulate them on their belated maturity.
Did Bush need to know what was happening in Iraq? No. And neither do I. Ask anyone who was in Iraq. I can't think of anyone who had anything negative to say about it. All this talk talk talk about Obama being "intelligent". Did Our Beloved Bicyclist In Chief require facts to invade Iraq, or to order an assault in Fallujah, and then to rescind the order after troops had already advanced, and then order another assault, compounding tragedy with even more pointless tragedy. Did Our Beloved Shrub need to know that even as his administration was selling aluminum tubes as potentialities of mushroomesque clouds, another cog in the executive branch wheel had already determined that they were no such thing? Did Bush need Hans Blix looking over his shoulder and trying to decide for The Decider? Did Bush need to reign in the neocon attack dragons with some common sense? Of course not. And let's hope Obama won't either.
In other words, an unnecessary intervention to stem a threat that wasn't was exactly the war we needed. I had no idea that these things cost money back in 2002.
And that's why intervening in Libya to prevent a human rights catastrophe was a mistake. (If you read it again it all makes sense somehow.)
But the real lesson we need to take from this is this (lesson): Never admit that your party twice elected a fool who's only business experience was to destroy every business that he ran, and when anointed, chose the worst kind of self-deluded tools to run the government, and even worse, he took their advice, stubbornly clinging to anyone perceived as loyal and unwilling to question The Decider's deciding.
Because then I'd look like the tool. Oh, and a pox on the deficit and whatnot.
Well, it's very complicated and by complicated I mean simple: I did this movie because I read the screenplay and was that made me stop and think, "Wow, I'm in every scene. In fact I'm in nearly every shot in the damn movie. That's more time that people are looking at me, and I thought, "Boy, doesn't the audience deserve that?"
And, um, the money was just right.