Nostalgia Corner

Apparently, it might be that all dinosaurs had feathers, just as all mammals have hair.
But what really matters is, why doesn't anyone remember this dance craze?

in 50-49 vote, us senate makes climate change an essential nutrient

senate: climate change now an essential nutrient, 50-49



You don't like it? Hey, anyone can buy a senator--it's  a little thing called free speech, babycakes. So speech off, bitches.


#globalwarming
#climatechange
#buyasenator

#democracyworks

The Age of Information Saturation

1. Immerse the brain in a solution.
2. Add information until saturated.
3. Gradually add more information until information precipitate forms.
4. Leave brain in solution for 40-50 years.
5. Brain is just as stupid as when it came in.
6. Apply for grant on gender-bathroom-equality or clean coal.

Science: Depressed Polar Bear Attempts To Drown Himself

Scientists Devise New, More Efficient Ways To Transport Infectious Diseases

http://www.popsci.com/scitech/article/2004-04/trans-atlantic-maglev
#trains

SCIENCE: Oprah's Ego Threatens Fabric Of Space And Time

A team of astrophysical-psychologists, using results from the observable light, as well as radio, x-ray and gamma ray observatories, have tentatively concluded that Oprah Winfrey's ego has become nearly as massive as the universe itself--thereby threatening not only our existence  but possibly entire galaxies; perhaps even the universe itself.

"Were this to happen, the damage would be far beyond catastrophic. In addition to destroying our universe, it's possible that the effects of this super-ultra-massive ego would actually spill over into really cool multiverses, say, one where Hendrix is still alive, or perhaps where Jedi knights can really use the force (not like the ones I met at ComiCon), creating incredibly dense bodies radiating enormous bursts of hypothetical lame particles," stated Dr. Zygot X Killjoy of the Berne University of Switzerland.  "In turn," he continued, "these multiverses would then be filled with laundry detergent advertisement gag beams, predictable dreary celebrity gush radiation, and an utterly depressing diffusion of audience woo! quanta on scales impossible to imagine."

"Our only hope," he concluded, "is to build a portal to a universe where Oprah never existed.  Otherwise, all we can do is watch as our world implodes.  Or perhaps construct a time machine. I must get back to work now."


Oprah

New Study Links To On-screen Violence To Video Game Violence

A new study has linked violence in movies to violence in video games.
According to a new report from Miskatonic University Department of Psychology, "Children are often exposed to mind-numbing levels of violence in terrible movies starring Sylvester Stallone, are unable to get their money back for the ticket, forced to splurge money on overpriced snacks and soda, sit through endless Harry Potter trailers, and then once at home take out their frustration in an orgy of mayhem in Grand Theft Auto's Liberty City."

Science

Scientists Regretfully Reveal Possibility Of Inedible Arsenic-based Aliens

Cat Drinking Technology Inspires New Generation Of Sexbot Designers

Cats Lap With Just Tip of the Tongue, Engineers Find - NYTimes.com

Cyborg technologists have discovered that the ability of the family Felidae to lap water through a complex tongue -flicking mechanism could have important implications for sexbot technology in aerospace, education and lonely ham radio operator applications.  "Just imagine the enhanced efficiency of a tongue moving  four times per second in the typical wankfest!" exclaimed one scientific researcher in an online bulletin.  Experiments are reported to be currently underway in laboratories and basements world-wide.

The Internet Doesn't Make Us Smarter - Education And Shit

What do the best classrooms in the world look like? - By Amanda Ripley - Slate Magazine: "Classrooms in countries with the highest-performing students contain very little tech wizardry, generally speaking. They look, in fact, a lot like American ones—circa 1989 or 1959. Children sit at rows of desks, staring up at a teacher who stands in front of a well-worn chalkboard."

Education And Shit

The answer is obvious: Just send up people we don't really like.

Solid Rocket Motor’s Future With NASA Is in Question - NYTimes.com: "Should it aim to build the safest possible rocket, at great cost, or is a rocket that is cheaper and still considerably safer than the space shuttles safe enough?"



NASA

New Study: Masturbatory Insanity Most Common Cause Of Death For Tolkien Fans

The Gospel According To Steve (Jobs)

Steve Jobs' Ego Watches Over Steve Jobs

Why should we care what happens to Steve Jobs when Steve Jobs is dead? The iPad is so much better than reality it's like not even funny.  If that in itself is not enough to assure immortality, I don't what the heck is.  


All iPad users will now be automatically enrolled in a lottery wherein each winner, with 999 other Jobs acolytes, will be entombed with Jobs for all Eternity.  Thereby they will be able to serve him in Heaven (for example, when he needs someone to scream at) where he will no doubt be a very very major demigod of some sort, with the ability to intercede on the behalf on iPhone users with dropped coverage, provided that the proper sacrifices and ritual offerings/oblations have been made to Him, The Great Steve.  

iPad So Much Better Than Real Life Like You Wouldn't Believe

Feel me up, won't you?
It's okay, touch me,
I shan't tell a soul.

by Mr. Ipad
Have you seen a picture of a flower on an iPad? It's so fucking great you'll never want to see a real flower ever again. In fact you'll just want to fucking smash every flower you ever see because it'll be so fucking inferior.
And wait till you see iPad vaginas!
All subsequent vaginas will be agonizingly inferior!
You'll want to stomp those too! Yes, with the iPad, life will seem like a pale, dull, colorless sham.

So, um, buy an iPad and enjoy life. Because there is no life without an iPad.  So let's face it, you may as well be fucking dead.  Come on, just touch me, I want to be touched.

http://technorati.com/tag/ipad

My Dictionary: What is "Education Reform"? Or: Sink To The Bottom

The Teachers’ Unions’ Last Stand - NYTimes.com

This article tells us exactly what education reform is all about, and has always been about: Breaking up the last remnants of organized labor in the United States (it's our country or whatnot)--ensuring that teachers will have to be kissing the respective asses of every parent, every administrator for every day of every week of every year of their career.

And as teaching becomes ever more unpleasant, unrewarding and insecure with ever lower and lower benefits and pay, 'reform' ensures that the 'profession' of teaching becomes more and more like that of the typical low-wage American worker--no benefits, no retirement, no medical coverage, no job security--but you will be secure in the knowledge that you are just a back-injury away from a lifetime of poverty and worse.

If this doesn't attract better people to the teaching profession, what will?

education

education reform

When Your Parasites Have Parasites

Giant tab to sort through the Lehman Brothers mess - Mar. 12, 2010

When Your Parasites Have Parasites
by Professor Bobo
Inside every parasite, upon dissection, we will frequently find that it that Mother Nature has wrought another miracle: Through the miracle of evolution, we find that evolution discovered yet another niche. For example, as we slice open the corpse of financiers who peddled worthless tripe and fed off the renumeration, look at what we find when we open the body...we make an incision...and voilà! A huge gaggle of insidious parasites living within the parasite spill out, their repulsive wormy appendages held out for fees! Observe how they pad expense accounts and overcharge for the most menial of tasks! Truly the attorney is as miraculous and wondrous as any of Christ's miracles.

And that concludes our lecture for today. Remember, extra credit for anyone who can find an attorney living in their garden!

Earliest-Known Writing Deciphered

The oldest-known cuneiform clay tablet has finally been deciphered, according to an article published in the current issue of Archaeology Bulletin.  The tablet, from the ancient city of Uruk, is more than 5000 years old, and is described by the author--Dr. C. K. Smith of Frottage University, Kansas--not only the very first written communication, but also the very first hate-mail.  Translated, it reads:

Dear Steve: OMG, you're such a dick! LOL!  I drew a picture so you would understand because I just invented writing.See, this is what you are--a giant dick. 

 May you die horribly and rot in hell,

     Ester

Many scholars, however, are hesitant to accept this interpretation, and Dr. Smith acknowledged that it could be many years before a consensus is reached on the "Ester Tablet".

Things That Are A Total Crock Of Shit

Into the breach yet again, and we are up to our elbows in crap...

For example: This example from the New York Times Play Time Is Over.

Now that most children no longer participate in this free-form experience — play dates arranged by parents are no substitute — their peer socialization has suffered. One tangible result of this lack of socialization is the increase in bullying, teasing and discrimination that we see in all too many of our schools.

Indeed, go into any school and what do you see at recess? Do children interact with each other? Of course not. They simply sit and stare at the sky and wait for someone to switch on youtube or Spongebob or what have you, as there brains have been lobotomized by years of Internet usage and cable TV. How will they ever experience the joy of sitting quietly in church, listening to a boring guy drone about whatever he feels like talking about? And what of the thrill of singing hymns and repeating prayers one doesn't understand? How deprived children are today!

Bullying has always been with us, but it did not become prevalent enough to catch the attention of researchers until the 1970s, just as TV and then computers were moving childhood indoors. It is now recognized as a serious problem in all the advanced countries....One tangible result of this lack of socialization is the increase in bullying, teasing and discrimination that we see in all too many of our schools.

Okay, I was completely wrong. This is completely true. When we compare studies of bullying and thuggery from 1900 to 2010, we can see that rate of larger children abusing smaller children was at 0% in 1900! Versus 75% in 2010! And the same is true of rape, child abuse, homosexual relations, and in fact all sexual relations. Nobody had sex in 1900, and now everyone's doing it (except me). I don't think African-Americans or Latin-Americans existed before 1900 either, except as amusing caricatures.

For children in past eras, participating in the culture of childhood was a socializing process. They learned to settle their own quarrels, to make and break their own rules, and to respect the rights of others. They learned that friends could be mean as well as kind, and that life was not always fair.

Yes, you learned that no one gives a shit about other peoples' problems, especially school administrators, especially problems that involve one group of children punching out one child in an alley. (What exactly is their function? Other than to say, "That's not our problem." That probably is their only function.) Anyway, as a crisis counselor, my first response to a rape victim was, "Well, life ain't fair you know."
But let's not get carried away by nostalgia. The important thing to remember is that you should latch on to an idea, e.g. technology = bad for kids, and then just keep repeating that idea for as long as and as loud as you can. And maybe, just maybe, you'll get tenure and perhaps some people will be gullible enough to listen to you. And don't we really all want someone to listen to us--even it's someone as gullible, foolish and stupid as ourselves. I learned that on the playground because no one would fucking listen to me.

Ye Newe Printing Press: Shall It Killeth Our Childrynes, Our Values And Our Civilization?

Gutenberg: Does He Want To Kill Thine Children And Thine Kine?

The greatest threat to our children since the invention of <i>paper</i>, the printing press promises to be an even more fiendish forme of devylrye. Rather than copying books in a monasteries under the supervision of a closely guarded hierarchy, there can be no doubt that our youth will be readily seduced by  the temptation to read, or even worse, write books, about all manner of ungodly things.  Whispers, even,  have I heard  in the dark of a man (or is he a demon who has taken the form of a man?) who wishes to write about “hobbytes”.

Speakest Prudence Goodwyfe of our village, “I am most afraidyste for thine soulyes of thee and thine. Trembleste doth myself, fearing the perils for more than a fortnyghte and a deuce now.”  If our ignorant, illiterate peasants are afraid, surely there must be something to fear?

Now there is talk of a ‘publycke lybrarye’, and of standardized spellings and pronunciations and Middle English and Suchwyse.  Soon our children wilth hath noth moreth spans of attention, for they mustwise find gentle gibes within leaves of paper rather than feeding pigs, wading in muck and poaching the lord’s deer.  Perhaps they will instead become lazy and fat and demand pen and paper and printing presses for themselves and no one shall no how to feed pigs, they shall forget the plow and the anvil and die in sloth and immorality.   
So please sign my online petition, “Keep the Printing Press Out Of Our Shores For Fuck’s Sake.”  God be with ye.

Technorati Tags: http://technorati.com/tag/technology

Japan Invents Robot Sex Pests

Robot-Sex-Pests Attack Breakfast