Friday, December 31, 2010

Obama Is Coming To Kill You And Rape Your Daughters


It is my privilege as a published writer in a major national newspaper to wish you all the happiest and most joyous year yet.  And therefore, I would like to say, Obama is coming to kill you, stuff your parents in the Soylent Green factory and rape each and everyone your daughters.  Or he might just send you an email asking for money.  But the risk is clear.

Just the other day, the Obama's Section 1223 decreed mandatory payments for end-of-life counseling.  Up to a shocking once per year.  Get ready to see the people-ovens coming off the production line.  It's only a very short step down from admitting that people will die to murdering them in their sleep.  Is that what you want? You want Obama to come to the nursing home and kill Granny? Because he'll do it, you know.  He's tried to kill me many times already, but I have garlic over my door.  

We all know that life is precious, and never more so than when you're comatose and brain-dead.  And the longer we keep that brain-dead brain alive, and the heart pumping blood to that dead brain, the more preciousness we'll possess.  I think the logic there is pretty sound.  

Also, the government is doing lots of other scary things, such as trying to protect the environment in which we depend for air, water and food and all other kinds of scary nazi stalinist hitler shit.  I don't have time to go into all of that scary stalinist hitler shit right now, but it sounds pretty damn scary, doesn't it?  

And all of this, of course, detracts from the main purpose of the U.S. Government--to keep oil as cheap as possible for as long as possible and burn it as quickly as possible (while keeping out as many immigrants as possible).  (It's in the Constitution, people.)  And no matter how many people die for that, their families will have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm okay and still mongering fear.  Thank you and Happy New Year! As best you can, knowing that Obama is coming to kill and rape your family.

The Sky Is Blue Unless I Say Otherwise

"Our most vibrant institutions are collective, not individual...."

That's correct.  I really said that.  Right in the New York Times.  That's my hinge for an entire argument I've made in a column.  Think about it: Our most vibrant institutions are not 'individual'.  I actually was paid to write that.

Of course, as defines "institution" as a "significant practice, relationship, or organization in a society or culture," and since humans are by nature social animals and 99% of our behavior occurs, one way or another, in a social context (if not 100%), you might be confused as to what the hell I'm talking about.  Perhaps you're thinking, perhaps he means something like, "groups are not individuals?"  And that is why deficits are good (as long as it's Republicans voting for them). Again, go figure.

But frankly, if you're looking for something profound in my columns, good luck to you, you're an idiot.  But thanks for reading.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Bullshit Awards

The world is fluid--a marvelous dance of subatomic particles, the very dust of stars, perhaps initiated by some omnipotent watchmaker, all working in conjunction to send ship more crap from China to America.

Nowadays we have this thing called 'science'. But the practitioners of science (I believe they generally wish to be referred to as 'scientists').  They even try to make science known to others by writing 'books' and 'papers'.  However, sometimes scientists disagree.  For example, some studies conclude that astrology "kinda works", whereas others assert that it's "super horseshit".  The point is, we should not throw away the results of scientific studies, no matter how nonsensical, poorly planned, sloppily conducted, incorrectly analyzed, or just plain wrong it is.  Why dispense with any horse shit that happens to agree with my pre-conceived notions about how the world works? And my pre-conceived notion about how the world works is this: I actually believe whatever specious crap I'm shoveling today.

For example: I advocate for decreased debt, but I'm also for tax cuts that blow a trillion-dollar hole in the budget, not to mention that sucking wound in the sands of Iraq.  And I seriously appear to believe in simple regulations as a solution to our problems of ever-increasing stresses on our environment, of regulating financiers, of, well, pretty much everything.  After all, science has told us that the world is going to be exactly the same in 100 years as it is now--I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere.

So I feel obligated to award this year's Bullshit Award to the person who deserves it most--me.  See you next year with a fresh new pile of the same ole' same ole'.

Real Christians Against Compassion

Hiya. Ross in da house.  I'd love to say 'happy New Year,' I really would.  But I just can't. My life, I've realized, is the perpetual suffering of one injustice after another.  Just when I thought I was over the horror of living in a world filled with fake-ass fronters boning in on my very serious Resurrection Celebration (till next year at least), suddenly I am beset by a new affliction.

Liberals (you know how they are/all-alike) had resorted to a fantasy world, and the worst kind of fantasy world: One where Reason supplanted idiotic beliefs about transplanting democracy in the Middle East, burying trillions of dollars in a giant gaping bleeding wound known as 'Iraq', that toxic waste isn't toxic, policing greed with more greed (and so on).  Needless to say I was thrilled when these fabulists had there comeuppance.

But now things are different.  The insanely wealthy have their tax cuts, the noxiously unemployed still have unemployment, and in a move that fills me with a gut-wrenching disgust, the 9/11 responders are to be compensated for medical treatment. (For responding to 9/11! What gives? That money belongs to America.  I shudder to think how many plasma TV sets might remain on the shelves for these M√ľnchhausen Syndrome malingerers.)

Well, that's the world we live in today.  Filled with compromise, stinking of corruption.  But hark ye the words of Jeremiah, unbelievers: "For if thine Accounts Payable doth exceed think Revenue Stream, yay, forfeit thine soul shall be, and accrued interest on municipal bonds naught will become."  But now, at least, you can see me for the kind of Christian I really am: A blustery little fart of a man whose idea of spirituality ends at his checkbook.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

SCIENCE: Oprah's Ego Threatens Fabric Of Space And Time

A team of astrophysical-psychologists, using results from the observable light, as well as radio, x-ray and gamma ray observatories, have tentatively concluded that Oprah Winfrey's ego has become nearly as massive as the universe itself--thereby threatening not only our existence  but possibly entire galaxies; perhaps even the universe itself.

"Were this to happen, the damage would be far beyond catastrophic. In addition to destroying our universe, it's possible that the effects of this super-ultra-massive ego would actually spill over into really cool multiverses, say, one where Hendrix is still alive, or perhaps where Jedi knights can really use the force (not like the ones I met at ComiCon), creating incredibly dense bodies radiating enormous bursts of hypothetical lame particles," stated Dr. Zygot X Killjoy of the Berne University of Switzerland.  "In turn," he continued, "these multiverses would then be filled with laundry detergent advertisement gag beams, predictable dreary celebrity gush radiation, and an utterly depressing diffusion of audience woo! quanta on scales impossible to imagine."

"Our only hope," he concluded, "is to build a portal to a universe where Oprah never existed.  Otherwise, all we can do is watch as our world implodes.  Or perhaps construct a time machine. I must get back to work now."

The Devil's Escalator

[Scene 1:  A shopping mall escalator with terrifying vistas.  The scrubbed-clean look of the Apple Store is an  ironic counterpoint to the horrible fate that awaits our characters.]
Stereotypical Ex-Frat Boy:
Wow, do you think this escalator is going to go all the way up to the third floor? I should mention that I always grope at least one woman while on public transit.
Elderly Woman Stereotype::
Never cared for escalators myself.  I feel like I'm moving too fast. In my day we had stairs but then the government shut down all  the stairs.
[clunking noise]
Bland Guy Sterotype: What was that?

Scary Black Guy Stereotype: The escalator. It--stopped
Bland Guy: Don't worry, I'm sure someone will come to fix it soon.
Black Guy: You don't understand--I have a severe fear of standing in one spot. Help! Help! Help!"

Incompetent Tit Stereotype: Don't worry, I'll fix it in a minute. Oh, I'm dead.

Superstitious Immigrant Stereotype: When I was small, my grandmother would tell me a story about how the Devil interfering with mechanical devices and electronic devices so that he could torture the damned while they were still on earth.

Steve, Yet Another Uninteresting Character: How did this story end?

Superstitious Guy: I don't know.  I'd become so terrified that I'd piss myself and then she'd laugh and laugh.

Uninteresting Guy: Wow, what a bitch.

Superstitious Guy: Rather.

[End Scene I]

Friday, December 24, 2010

Crap Of Christmas Past

Yo. Ross here. Much like me, if you're a Real Christian (i.e. Real American), Christmas is an incredibly challenging time. As I've said before, money is not important in political advertising. But when people use it to exploit your children into asking you to buy shit, it's really annoys me--financially and morally. How dare they? And all of the fake-ass bitches showing up in Church once a year to feel good about life for a bit without even worrying about how they're going to hell for not showing up the rest of the year? Disgusting. And the fake-ass religions that are not only not American but also not even real Christianity? (Short List: Atheists, Dionysians, Quakers). Sickening.

So there are bucketfuls of awful things happening at Chrimstmas time. I also hear that some people are unemployed and shit, but let's focus on the important thing: Culture. After all, what doth it profiteth a man to go on the dole, and lose his soul?  I'm sure I would take my soul over a roof any day of the week.

And yet we must reach some sort of acoomodation with the hell-bound fiends (see above). After all, they're going to have an enternity to rot there, and the Real Christians like me will have eternity to watch them suffer. And isn't that what it's all about?  (Oh, and if you're a NY Times subscriber, yes you will be tormented in Perdition forever and ever, sorry about that for the regular subscribers.)

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Gays Much More Dangerous Than Thermonuclear Weapons by Mitch McConnell

Are You

 It's Me, Mitch.
Greetings, America.  Odds are 50/50 you have no idea who I am.  Well I'm the Senate minority leader.  (Yes, an atrocity, given that Real Americans constitute a majority of this country.) (Hippies not included.)

In other words, if you're a Real American, you've doubtless lost interest the second you realized this wasn't about Tiger Woods shooting golf balls at Lady Gaga's baby howitzer.
However, in the offhand chance that someone besides a complete lunatic is actually paying attention, let me say something about the START treaty: I'm agin' it.

"Why?" some may ask.  Indeed you may.  Naturally I could recite a lot of details about payloads and warheads and tactical versus nuclear and a lot of other boring crap, but then we would lose sight of The Big Picture: If Obama wins, I lose.  And when I lose, I get so angry like you would not believe! I pout and make little fists and shout (it's really quite adorable) and my chin flab undulates and sometimes I even get a real boner.  (Not so easy for a man my age; guess there's always an upside.)  And now the heat-seeking missile of man-on-man love threatens to destroy the military that champions our greatest American virtue--cheap gasoline.

And the only way to keep our under-priced, over-subsidized Exxon, Mobil, Shell and Arco stations full of their precious juice is for Americans to vote Republican.  Which in turn makes Republicans more powerful, the wealthy more wealthy, and makes more Americans wish to vote Republican.  It's a beautiful, natural cycle that must not be tampered with.  So I think you'll see why a bit of thermonuclear war is nothing to worry about--not compared to keeping our national Ponzi scheme going.

Just remember Obama, you come up against me, you gonna' lose! (Oh dear, my trousers are getting tight again.)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Some Like The Forest, But I Prefer Trees


I admit it--I don't like the forest.  It's filled with dark and scary places and gingerbread houses made by witches who devour children--preferably cooked.  Give me a tree over a forest any time.

A tree can be examined in great detail without ever really having to know anything about trees, or science, or really much of anything.  Such complex, strange wonderful creatures are trees! How do they grow? I'm pretty sure it's in the fertile cultural loam of working-class America.  It's a nearly endless supply of serf-like labor for the tree.  Also I think the taller the tree grows, the more light the sun creates.  (Try growing a tree in your refrigerator. The more I look at the seedling, the more light appears inside.  I think I'm really on to something there.)  Who's to say I'm wrong?  Not anyone on NPR, that's for certain.

And the branches, the branches! They reach upwards, aspiring to rise from the middle-class to the very top of the tree!

But the top of the tree is where I have a problem: It's looking down on everyone else.  What gives it the right?  Many of these Asian or Jewish elitist branches (some possibly Asian and Jewish) claim to be 'experts' on this or that.  Well I say, "Who/What made you an expert?"  Studying something may seem to make you more of an expert, but studies have shown that in fact studying often leads to less expertise.  For example, the more time you spend studying the forest, the less you may notice that the bark on the tree spells out, "Real America".

And the more time you spend looking at extraneous details of questionable relevance to anything of any import whatsoever, the more able you are to question those self-appointed 'experts' who claim to have 'knowledge' and want to 'warn us' about imminent catastrophes that will kill the trees.  Well guess what? I have a book by some dead Russian dude that tells me that people had problems back then. Yes, even in Russia.  I think I've proved my point: There's a message written in the bark, and you can read it.  Just ignore everything else.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

2010 Census Data Indicates America 'Full Of Dicks'

Analysis of U.S. Census data from 2010 indicates that America is "really full of  dicks,"
according to a report released today.  "All of our data points to a nation-wide pattern of lunacy, paranoia, ignorance, delusion, superstition, and flat-out stupidity."

"Millions of Americans have no idea of the relative cost of primary care versus emergency rooms, believe that Hawaii is not part of the United States, won't shut up about aliens and UFOs, believe that an industry that spends has billions in revenue can be controlled by climatologists, that the CIA can actually keep secrets, that guns will prevent gun violence, and a ton of other crazy shit.  Frankly, we're surprised the nation has not simply sank into the sea, except that such a thing would be impossible if you know the first thing about modern geology--which most people don't.  The point is, we're fucked.  Have you seen their test scores in China? Can you believe there was a time when people actually thought about progress and putting people on the moon? Now they just want to watch HBO."

The conclusion of the report is nearly blank page with nothing on it but the words, "Conclusion" and "Cockknobs".

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Least Generation (An Ode To)

Through the mire and muck marched we,
Born of a War Cold,
In the fertile Swamp of Hippiedom did we grow,
Toiling serf-like
(at the lunch counter)
   (in the cubicle)
      (with electronic punch cards, (then MS Office))
 (with software to pennies account'ed)
Through the Malls of Shoppe'd,
In Jams of Traffic we sat,
Upon asses flabby such made--
                                          (biding the hours)
 (listening to Top 40 radio)
 (or the Stern of Howard)
 (or the Zoo of Morning)
 (or the radio of Public National)
 (or the Zeppelin of Led)
 (or...well you get the joke by now I'm sure)

For wars upon the Tigres-Euphrates doth we voted,
Yea, and useless but expensive weapons system we were sold,
All the while flying upon the wings of the Steve Miller Band,
(Perhance to hear Frankie of Hollywood did we)
Yea, and now we stand together as one (or more like fifty-one out of one hundred but you get the picture)
Crying "We shall not change!"
Not a single drop of oil will we save,
Nor coal unburnt,
Nor forest uncut,
Nor solar panel be purchased,
For this is Our Destiny,
To devour everything in sight like a plague of locusts,
This unbrave,
This timid,
This fearful,
This paradoxically proud of itself for some damn reason,
This Least Generation.
(finally got there)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Fuck You, America. Fuck. You.

Wow, it just feels so good to get that off my mind--been wanting to say that for ages.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I'll Huff And I'll Puff And I'll Blow Your Treaty Down!

Being an aging curmudgeon isn't as fun as you might think.  There is a foul stench in the air, and as always, the air reeks of a sulphurous putrescence: To be precise, the rank and reek of liberalism.  As James Madison once said, "This doth vexeth my arsehole."

Of course, my arsehole has been vexed for decades now, ever since I looked up 'soup kitchen' in Webster's.  (Relieved, of course, only by vaguely homoerotic odes to baseball.)

And as predictably insufferably as a hemorrhoids, the reactionary liberals are regurgitating their spew about how nuclear weapons are 'bad' and should be 'controlled'.  Well let me tell you one thing: As far as I know, plutonium is odorless, which makes it just fine in my book.

Furthermore, Russia is a filthy, backwards place, a smelly [sorry, running out of synonyms here] cesspool of corruption, and the only deodorant that will cure it is a massive dose of U-235.  And as Senator Kyl knows, we do not need limits on our weapons of mass destruction.  No, we need to build more of them.  And test them (preferably on Moscow).  Why would anyone be afraid of a weapon if they are not perfectly certain it will work?  (Say, on the Kremlin.)  And as history as clearly shown, the way to peace is to make more and more weapons.  (Critics might observe that since I've advocated ending all government agencies, it's hypocritical of me to advocate massive military spending with taxes in order to prepare for a global holocaust.  But to those critics I will simply say this: You don't understand the U.S. Constitution.  I suggest you read it again--no one said a word about nuclear weapons.)

It's terrible that I should live in  world and suffer such fools as Obama.  Thankfully one day I will have moved on to an odor-free world, absent of reactionary liberals.  But until then, my the vexation of my arse commands me to complain.  And so I shall, in the most pompous way imaginable.

Culture-Vultures Versus Culture-War Whores

The culture war continues apace, and by that I mean that right-wing fear-mongering business is as solid as ever.  Journalists might be having a rough time of it but have has anyone heard about Rushboy having to sell a kidney or even some extra skin and adipose tissue to an organ bank?

Some might say we are culture vultures, inventing phantom demons that don't exist whilst ignoring the real, underlying causes of unpleasant phenomena--all the while snatching bites of decaying flesh from a corpse felled by infection of fear that we carry in our veins.

But I prefer to think of our very un-merry little band less as plague carriers feeding off the victims of our latent infection, and more like something a bit more pleasant.  Maybe gangrene or leprosy.

Perhaps Bill O'Reilly should have titled his book Culture War Whore--or even better,  Culture Whorrior.  

Let's face it: Business is business; the business of America is Business; and when Business and Religion walk together, arm in arm, then America is a land of content and happy people.  And wouldn't you know that there is something new to be afraid of? (Amazing how that never fails to happen.)

Divorce was once the province of hippies, bohemians, beatniks, anarchists, Marxists, and cartoonists. (What I refer to as 'the disposables'.) But now this menace of people who can't stand each other has has infected real Americans--assembly line workers, typists, type II other words, people who can be relied upon to hit the panic button at election time and vote Republican.

The National Institute For The Study And Preservation Of Full On Legal Heterosexuality, Contractually Obligated Child-Rearing And Heaven-Approved Coitus [NISPFOLHCOCRHA] (under the auspices of the Who Is Groping Whom Foundation Of America, an arm of the Society of the International Nosy Fuckwits) released a shocking, terrifying and therefore (to me) highly gratifying new report. My beloved working class is divorcing and church-not-attending at higher rates than ever, even higher than the brain-washed college-educated dupes.

Why is this happening? Could it be due to shifting demographics in the college-bound? Economic instability that harms the working class more than the middle class? Erosion of middle-class stability? Or perhaps unreliable data from an unreliable source? Something else? Please, those would be obvious to a scientist who wasn't paid to investigate why divorce is ruining our country.

But as anyone who's read my recent column on the 'partisan mind', my cognitive filters won't even let those considerations in. Besides, to question science, you must understand science--and this is business.  The business of opinion.

No, America, the truth is one we cannot avoid: There is a moral rot: A stinking rot that makes us avoid churches, sign up for sophisticated corporate confidence schemes that offer us things that are too good to be true; a rot that even forces us not want to spend our lives with someone who makes us utterly miserable (in defiance of the Lord's Will).

Because to think otherwise, I'd be shunned faster than you can whisper "David Frum" three times to your bathroom mirror--and kissing Rush Limbaugh's shoes is not the reason you want to take a trip to Florida. Because God only knows what's on them. And He ain't sayin'.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Obama Swaps Lincoln Memorial For Scott Brown's Navel Lint

Discarded photos of Sen.
Brown's naughty 'sixth
(digitally aged over 20 years).
Democrats were dismayed today to learn that one of Washington's most treasured monuments, the Lincoln Memorial, had been traded to Republican U.S. Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts.

Obama reminded Democrats that although it looked like a "bad deal," this was "necessary result of prolonged and lengthy negotiations, and besides a significant amount of earwax was obtained in the deal."

"Wrong Sanchez" Not A Filthy Joke

The Wrong Sanchez Shows Up for the Jets -

New Study Links To On-screen Violence To Video Game Violence

A new study has linked violence in movies to violence in video games.
According to a new report from Miskatonic University Department of Psychology, "Children are often exposed to mind-numbing levels of violence in terrible movies starring Sylvester Stallone, are unable to get their money back for the ticket, forced to splurge money on overpriced snacks and soda, sit through endless Harry Potter trailers, and then once at home take out their frustration in an orgy of mayhem in Grand Theft Auto's Liberty City."

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Us Versus Them Versus Me

Ross Goes
Scott: Hello, this morning we have conservative columnist Ross Somebody who somehow has made a career writing, as in putting words in a page in a certain order.  Is that not correct?

Ross: You are correct sir.

Scott: For whom do you order these words?

Ross: Why the New York Times, of course.  That's what gives me creds.  Otherwise I'd just be some loser spouting off on his blog.

Scott: No argument here.

Ross: Good.  Let's keep it that way.

Scott: Well this is a weekend show, and the last thing people want on their Saturday morning is sharp questioning of political figures.  Anyway, why the hell are you here exactly?

Ross: That's an excellent, probing question and I'm delighted to answer it. I'm here, of course, talk about my word-ordering job.  Recently I wrote a column, The Partisan Delusion.  I took many words, as many as 500, and put them in a certain order to make a point: Everyone's a sucker but me.

Scott: You and Homer Simpson, Ross.  Do tell.

Ross: I shall, sir, I shall.  You see, I recently discovered heretofore utterly unknown to Science: Partisanship.

Scott: Partisanship?

Ross: Yes. Partisanship. It affects our perception.  Creates delusions--dangerous delusions.

Scott: Dangerous delusions! [gasps]

Ross: Yes, that is why the progressives have now become pro-war and anti-civil-liberties.
Scott: They have?

Ross: Yes, having a black guy has president has made them arrogant, delusional, and caving into a dangerous group-think.

Scott: So that's why we should not criticize the Republican Party party?

Ross: Exactly.  It's hypocrisy to criticize hypocrisy.

Scott: [gasps]

Scott: So, belonging to one group changes how you see members of another group?

Ross: Correct.affects our perception.  And that's why we should not criticize the Republican Party party.

Scott: Wait a second.  But isn't this simply the well-known principle of in-group/out-group or "us versus them"?

Ross:  No. This is different.

Scott: How?

Ross: Haven't the foggiest.  But as a Christian who's ready to look down upon non-Christians and judge them as morally inferior and therefore more likely to take out sub-prime mortgages, I feel I am in a position to say that partisanship makes one a hypocrite.

Scott: Um...

Ross:  I am ready, sir, to point fingers and my finger is pointing at the Democrats.  Now that they're in power, they're blinded by power and now cast accusations of hypocrisy.  This in turn leads to a demand for intellectual purity...which in turn leads to a refusal to compromise.  And this refusal to compromise is in turn delusional.

Scott:  So was it delusional of you to say that Bush was "right" about Iraq?

Ross: Iraq is a democracy!

Scott: That is aligned with Iran?

Ross: It's a beacon of Hope and Freedom!

Scott: But what about Maliki's alliance with Sadr and the fundamentalists?

Ross: Freedom!

Scott: So there's nothing hypocritical in casting accusations of hypocrisy in order to support your argument that the Democrats should compromise with Republicans no matter how inane, useless or flat-out insane?  And you would dismiss any alternative explanations, such as progressives simply having become despondent because after Obama caving on civil liberties, they simply feel as though there is no better alternative?

Ross: Finally, you understand. You're smarter than I thought.

Scott: Thank you.

Ross: You're welcome.

Scott: So if the GOP wants to send a giant pancake to the moon instead of building new colleges, Obama should compromise?

Ross: Send half'a giant pancake. But leave out the giant bottle of maple syrup.  I mean that's crazy, who needs maple syrup on the moon.

Scott: So you would support sending half of a giant pancake to the moon?

Ross: If that's what the Republican Party demands, then the Democrats must compromise.  That's democracy.

Scott: Makes sense to me. Next up, the ghost of Joseph Goebbels will be on to share ethnic holiday recipes.

Friday, December 3, 2010

NPR: Send Us Your Money Or Die Leeches


Mantle: Hello, Los Angeles, welcome to Airtalk.  What's your beef?

Caller: The economy was doing much better in previous decades when taxes were higher.  Instead of cutting taxes, the government stimulate the economy.

Mantle: You don't know that.  The Bush tax cuts may have made the economy better.  Every night I sacrifice a rooster to the Sun God to ensure that the Sun rises in the morning.  Would the sun rise if I stop sacrificing roosters? Maybe--but should I take that chance? We only have glowing orange ball in the sky and I personally am not willing to risk it.

Caller: What?

Mantle: Please, think critically.  Correlation is not causation.

Caller: But the deficits and military spending--

Mantle: Look, you can believe whatever you like.  It's a free country.  But if we had not invaded and occupied two nations and killed tens of thousands of people, all Americans could have been killed in a plane crash by now.  You don't know.  You can't prove that I'm wrong.

Caller: I'm confused...

Mantle: Good.  Because this is the kind of thoughtful dialogue you can have only hear on KPCC. Not like those commies at Pacifica or KPFK.  Next, we have Todd from the American Enterprise Institute, who will no doubt spew some utterly predictable bullshit about taxes or global warming. Are you there Todd?

Todd: Here Larry and great to be here.

Mantle: Great to be anywhere at my age, ha ha.

Todd: Ha ha

Mantle: Al Gore.

Todd: Ha ha, please, Larry, no more.

Mantle: Okay, let's go to our next caller. Hello, you have a question for Todd?

Caller: Yes, I'm unemployed, I have no medical coverage, and soon I'll be homeless. I don't qualify for aid because I have no children and I'm too young for Medicare or Social Security. Fiscal austerity will end any chance I have of finding work or having a roof over my head.

Mantle: Well you'll just have to suck it up for America, and frankly you don't sound like the kind of person who donates to Public Radio or KPCC.  Todd?

Todd: Fuck her. Taxes are evil, war is good, and global warming is a myth.

Mantle: Wow, great conversation Todd, I did not expect a man who works for billionaires to say that.  Only on public radio, folks.  Please support us and become a member by sending as much money as you possibly can.  You wouldn't want to see me out of job, would you?

Tomorrow's show: Why California colleges are for white people who worked very hard by being born in this country.  Please join us.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Hypocrisy is Good, And Yes, I Really Said That

Yes, of course it is.  It's utterly hypocritical of anyone on the left to fail to condemn a federal employee the Transportation Authority.  Keep the groin-groping, water-boarding, prison without trials, and carpet-bombing for Muslims and others who are getting in the way of our oil supply.

Furthermore: There is nothing hypocritical in supporting hypocrisy.  The chance that a gloved hand touching my testicle is as much a danger to the Bill of Rights as Gitmo.  And there is no hypocrisy in this equivalence.  It's a slippery slope.  Or perhaps more of an upward gravity-defying slope, since we started with re-creating The Bastille, then our shoes lost their freedom, and now even my proud white male gonads are no longer protected by the Fourth Amendment.  My haploid cells, once safely ensconced in my undergarments and prohibition against unreasonable search and seizures, are now decreed to be free for fondling.  Such is the tragedy of our modern times.

And dissent is always good no matter how hypocritical.  Although I'm sure some asshole will mention that slavery was Constitutionally protected and there was  a very nasty war fought over ending it and then slavery ended anyway so one might ask that what was the good in that, and I'll tell you what it was--the Civil War made Shelby Foote a rich man.

And to those who would say, "But don't you see the hypocrisy in your advocacy of hypocrisy to fight hypocrisy?", I say this: It just proves that life is a Mobius strip and eventually you end up where you started--buried in it.  And then someone can plant something over your grave and poof you've come back as a turnip.  A hypocritical turnip.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Still the Best Congress Money Can Buy- Frank Rich -

Still the Best Congress Money Can Buy - "If prayer hasn’t cured this highly prayerful nation by now, it may be because our body politic has long since developed an immunity to it."

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Hypocrisy Mode /ON

Free speech.  We all love it.  Minus a few book burnings here and there.  Turns out though that the real villains are (you guessed it) hippies.  Not the funny hippies you see on South Park, but the worst kind of hippies: College professors.  They obtain a degree, publish a study, and pursue research--all in the interest of enslaving mankind.

Enslaving us, to their puritanical, feminine version of life--a world in which peace is celebrated over war, in which love is greater than violence, in which a bliss is sought over misery.

Well I am here to tell you America, that the there is no such world.  Life is a wretched chaos of filthy slugs fighting in the cesspool of Life for the few miserable crumbs of happiness that can be had.  And that's why I love America. The best most of us can hope for is to grab the half-chewed remnants of those crumbs as they ooze from those slugs greater than ourselves before they can reach down with their tongue and lick it back into their gaping maw.

Works for me, been doing it my whole life.

[Author's Note: Sadly, I was unable to research this article, or I might have turned up information about far-and-not-so-far-right extremists burning books or hanging abolitionists or banning books as 'unchristian' or filing ridiculous lawsuits...some sort of 'network' of 'information' with which one could 'search' the googleplexi of data or potential data out there in the word.....Sadly there is not, I suppose it would take a scientist to invent such a thing.  But that would be a balanced perspective, and my job is to sell opinions, not reason.  I'm sure you'll understand.]

Colbert I. King - Bush, Obama, and the 'socialist' label

Colbert I. King - Bush, Obama, and the 'socialist' label

Facts Are Nasty Little Things With Sharp Teeth And Should Not Be Fed Or Kept As Pets

Obama has failed.  This is simply a fact.  And this is not merely some sort of ego-defense employed by the ex-minions of possibly the worst president in American history. No no no, my friends, not at all.  Obama has failed.

And now the liberals must blame someone other than Obama.  Never mind that the filthy hippies have been bashing Obama since Day Two.  Nor that that the Republican Senators have endorsed 'bipartisanship' about as much as they would endorse their daughters dating a black guy.  Nor the unlimited (and anonymous) yet totally-legal  amount of cash thrown into political campaigns.  Nor that Paul Krugman has said for two years that the stimulus was too small.  Never mind.

Never mind those things.  Because those things are facts, and as everyone knows by now, Bush et al. don't do facts.  Facts are nasty little things with sharp teeth...there they are, hovering in the periphery, darting in and out and daring you to look at them square on because then they might bite you hard.  So never reach out to pet one or feed it.  It will only sink its needle-like incisors into your hand and you'll jump back, screaming for a tetanus booster.

After all.  We Bushites made our way by avoiding facts.  Look at me, I'm writing for the Post, which will publish my opinions no matter how idiotic, I gots a gig on the Council on Foreign Relations, and Condie is at Georgetown.  Dubya just wrote a best-seller, and even Death Himself is afraid of Cheney.  And we've pretty got much that Iraq and Afghanistan thing licked, so I'd say overall--whatever it is I'm doing, it's fucking working.  So just remember: Facts bite.  Invite one into your home and you could be in serious trouble.  Keep that in mind. Then you'll always know what to do.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I Heart Cheney


Liberals continue to be as paranoid and insane as ever, telling you wild and crazy tall tales, foaming at the mouth and screaming and shaking their fists in rage while imploring the sun god to show benevolence and compassion (while foaming at the mouth of course) as they perform strange bizarre rituals with the blood of a virgin ox while dancing around the fire.  (Just ask anyone who's had dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Kucinich.)

Indeeed, one such mad man walked right up to me the other day and asked,  "You do realize that a mulitnational, wealthy corporation is powerful and able to influence  public policy to its own benefit, even if it is harmful to the public at large--don't you?"

Wrong again, Steve.  Not true.  Cheney is a pussycat who just happens to love a bit of torture now and then, Haliburton is loverly, Monsanto wouldn't hurt a mosquito except with it's wonderful pesticides and Massey Coal only occasionally buries its workers in preventable accidents.  Fortunately, America knows this, as the same 10% of our voting populace who seem to change sides every 2 years changed sides again.  I think this proves the wisdom of the American public versus the elitists overlords in D.C. (Not the billionaire elitists, those guys are fantastic!)

Furthermore, I have evidence that it is not true. I have labels.  And with those labels, numbers to accompany them. To wit: "Conservative: 42 percent. Moderate: 35 percent. Liberal: 20 percent."

So there you have it.  A label I haven't defined with a number.  If that isn't proof, what is?  I'm not going to say what 'moderate' might actually mean but that could make things messy and science is about labels and numbers and ambiguous, impossible-to-define terms.  Obviously.

And the American public is right to be afraid of the screaming bullet train of socialism rushing us to Europe.  For example: FRANCE.  There.  Frightened? You should be.  (If that doesn't scare you shitless you, you're not really an American and should probably fuck off to godless Western Europe anyway.)
(That most Americans do not speak a second language and barely have the foggiest notion of what happens outside of world affairs isn't important in this calculation.  What is important? FRANCE.  There, you see?)

Thank god, the train has now been derailed, progress has been interrupted, and people can stop fretting about The Greater Good and get back to worrying about whether their child is going to be accepted into the right pre-school.  (Or, will that plastic tarp you're living under hold up through the winter? Depending.)

So to briefly summarize, pollution is good, socialized medicine is only good when used by old white people who vote Republican, taxes are bad unless they're going to (you guessed it) old white Republicans afraid of change, and public demonstrations are good when it consists of old white people on Medicare and Social Security--but bad when it consists of (probably) odiferous Frenchmen.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Airborne Introduces New Daily Anti-HIV, Anti-Malarial, Anti-Tuberculosis, Anti-Leprosy PIll

Let Me Try To Explain It To You Again You Assholes


For many, many centuries, American politicians did not run up peacetime debts.  (Of course, we haven't been in peace time since the Cold War began, but let's not bother ourselves with a few trillion dollars worth of military spending.)  Then came the hippies with their Great Society MasterCards.

It wasn’t because they were unpartisan or smarter or more virtuous. It was because they were constrained by a mentality inherited from the founders: A nation rests on a fragile equilibrium.  Delicate and fragile, like a condom that's been in your wallet too long,  because we are flawed and fallen creatures. We cannot fully trust ourselves.  (For example,  and can’t quite trust ourselves. So all of us, but especially members of the leadership class, should practice self-restraint. 
(For example: Don't own too many slaves.  (Too big to flush.)  )
 So this non-moral idea of self-restraint.  And before you even ask, "Is self-restraint a form of morality?", I can say only one thing. Fucking cram it.
Certainly, one might point the the Ten Commandments or the Seven Sins as examples of moral self-restraint.   But that does not apply here.  Oh no.  For when we restrain ourselves from the impulse to kill one another, we act in the knowledge that we will in turn not be killed in order to inhibit the vengeful ghosts of our ancestors from killing our chickens with chicken-plague.  (Don't laugh, it happened to my dad.)  
Therefore we Americans exercise self-restraint not because we care about others--but because we care about ourselves.  And that is what made this country great.  Not caring.  
Moral anxiety--which as I clearly stated is not moral--restrained hubris (don’t think your side possesses the whole truth).  (With a few minor exceptions, such as the Civil War, Jim Crow, Separate But Equal, and a few lynchings here and there to keep trouble-makers in line, and more preventable industrial accidents than you could count in a month.  But all of that only consumed one century plus the enduring racism...not even worth mentioning. )  
Of course, that won't stop blowhards such as myself and Christopher Hitchens are never going to shut up from ever shutting up about how Iraq has become a shining beacon of Hope And Democracy.
Another effect of the non-moral moral restraint was its effect upon self-indulgence (debt corrupts character).  Which is why I don't own a house.  Home mortgages are a gateway--to Eternal Damnation!  And would I pay for an airline ticket with a Mastercard?  Hell no.  Frankly I don't believe in Bernoulli's Principle--I've never trusted wind tunnels, and as far as I'm concerned anything that goes on in one is suspect.
This non-moral moral equilibrium has now however, broken like Benjamin Franklin's , on left and right. The new mentality sees the country not as an equilibrium, but as a battlefield in which the people, who are pure and virtuous, do battle against the interests or the elites, who stand in the way of the people’s happiness.  Although why I rooted for the Republicans in the last election versus the Democrats wouldn't seem to make much sense if I abhor the policies of both.   Well, that's journalism for you.  If you want logical consistency, try Bertrand Russell.  This is business.

Making Radiation FUN Again

Radiation Worries for Children in Dentists’ Chairs -

"“Kids love to see that 3-D image,” Dr. Sellke said in a Webcast sponsored by Imaging Sciences. “They can go into our computer and look at their skull.” Another orthodontist talked about coloring 3-D skulls in green and purple. “Fun for the kids,” he said."

So you see? It's fun.  F. U. N.

“So let me ask a question to the mother of a prospective orthodontic patient,” said Dr. Stuart C. White, former chairman of oral radiology at the UCLA School of Dentistry. “Would you like me to use a tool that is entirely safe — a camera — to record the position of your child’s teeth, or another method that may rarely cause cancer so that we can save time?”

Okay, well that's slightly less fun...

"Last month, The Journal of the American Dental Association allowed one of the leading cone-beam manufacturers, Imaging Sciences International, to underwrite an issue devoted entirely to cone-beam technology. That magazine, which the association sent to 150,000 dentists, included a favorable article by an author who has equated a cone-beam CT with an airport scan. In fact, a cone beam can produce hundreds of times more radiation, experts say."

"The cone-beam business is lucrative for manufacturers and dentists. According to one industry estimate, more than 3,000 scanners and about 30 different models have been sold, at prices up to $250,000."

Dentists, some of whom charge several hundred dollars per scan, can profit by owning their own machines. “More profit per unit chair time,” promises Imaging Sciences, the cone-beam manufacturer."

Okay, that just makes me want to vomit into a bucket and throw it at someone.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

TSA: Hands Off Our Testicles!

There are an infinite number of heart-breaking stories in the world. War. Famine. Disease. Death. Airport security guards.  And that's why today I'm going to talk about the most burning issue of Our Troubled Times: Airport security guards groping our genitals.  For there is no greater suffering that knowing that the Fourth Amendment rights of my testicles have been violated.  I prefer to get my kicks above the waistline, thank you very much.

First of all, airport security has never prevented any kind of terrorism. Except for that period from 1974 to 2000, when hijackings declined of U.S. passenger flights was nearly zero. So if we exclude that 25-year period in the 100-year history of commerical aviation (and the 50-year history of jet travel) we can safely say that airport security never works. If by 'never works' you mean 50% of the time. And 50% is so close to 0% that it's not even worth the bother to think about it.

The real heroes are not people fighting AIDS in Africa. No sir. The real heroes are those like that anonymous crank who scuffled with airport security guards to keep is privates private. Now that, my friends, is a hero. As Thomas Jefferson once said, "We did not wage war against England in order that my privates could be made public." And once to James Madison, ""Tarry ye not in my under garments, sir!" (I should note here that Madison always denied this story and till his dying day claimed he was just looking for his keys.)

Therefore, I shall regurgitate for the purposes of my quotidian spew for the readers who just skipped to the last paragraph due to being unabled to be buggered: The real heroes are social malcontents who refuse to pay fees for garbage pickup, sewage maintenance/repair, be checked for bombs before boarding a public transit machine that cruises six miles above the ground, or drive in the emergency lane because they're late for a dental appointment.  If we have a choice between functioning sewers and freedom, we must choose freedom every time.  Remember, America, we are but one grope away from facism.

Friday, November 19, 2010

How The Hippies Killed Newsweek

In the 1950's, everything was wonderful--America was a Garden of Eden. Very few people were ever lynched and they probably had it coming. People read National Geographic and Reader's Digest. They were content and happy with the lot God had proscribed for them.

Then came hippies.  And with them came an entire train of dross--the Civil Rights Act, and all hell broke loose. Somehow this led to the invention of the transistor, computers, cellphones, and Craigslist and Google Ads. And before you knew it the news industry was going down faster than the Bismark. But what really caused all of this? A cynic might think that money shifted marketing to the industry--but truly only an utter fool would believe such a thing.

The truth: Hippies did it. The Fender Stratocaster made Ladies Home Journal look dull and silly; or reading about the lastest bloodshed in the world that no one could stop dull, pointless and depressing.

But the truth is quite different: Hippies did it. By subverting our fine white 1950's morality into a love of hippie-ness, beatnik poetry and flirting with Oriental heresy, and rejecting materialism, this somehow led to later generations embracing materialism.

So there: You killed NewsWeek, hippies. I hope you're very fucking happy with yourselves.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

All Taxes And No War Make David Go Something Something

People frequently stop me on the street and ask me me funny questions, such as, "You're really a writer?", or "Seriously, you actually make a living as a writer?", or, "What do you really do for a living?"

Yet others ask me, "You work for the Times? Isn't that like Lucy Ricardo working in a bomb factory?"  To which I say, "At least someone is paying attention."  Other times people ask me, "Does anyone ever notice that your entire so-called philosophy is less like a coherent outlook and more of an inchoate blob of what ever factoids conveniently flow by, postulating that ignorance makes people somehow morally superior while supporting the destruction of educational equality?"  To which I say: "Balls." 

Golly jeepers no! Many of the psychologists, artists and moral philosophers I know are liberal, so it seems strange that American liberalism should adopt an economic philosophy that excludes psychology, emotion and morality. Isn't that WEIRD? Perhaps Andy Warhol should have studied supply/demand relationships.

(Even though the truth is that classical economics postulates the entire concept of rational really this is at best delusion on my part, and at worst an outright lie.  Either way I'm a pure hypocrite.  But at least I'm purely something. Unlike liberals who want to mix their blacks and whites in the blender and come out with something like grey pea soup.)

So I say NUTS to liberal economists how want us to act like emotion-less robots! If you're angry and unemployed, smash a shop-keeper's window (if it's run by a Muslim).  Burn down a Persian rug store! As Stephen Colbert said, we need to feel, but feel with our fists.  Like George Bush, or some wonderful tapeworm, we need to think with our digestive system.  

And for god's sake, stop trying to make the world a better place. Carpet-bombing ungrateful foreigners is good no matter how bad it feels.  Sending food to ungrateful foreigners is bad no matter how good it feels.  And that's the paradox of morality: The worse you feel, the better it is.  When Milton Friedman summoned his inner dickishness to say, "Greed is good," he didn't mean that greed feels good--not at all.  What he meant was that you should feel bad.  Feeling bad means you're doing good.  Sheesh, I'd have myself nailed to a cross if I didn't know that I had a special misssion to accomplish here on Earth--always being right, regardless of facts.  After all, liberals--espcially the sciency liberals who always want to bore you with their so-called 'evidence'--liberals can only see what they want to see. That means that I see what they are incapable of seeing.  Which in turn proves my point about me always being right.  

Liberals also want to use things like "models", "numbers", and "data", and "facts" while ignoring the human element.  If you cut a dollar, does it not bleed? Sure, if that dollar is made out of cow spleens.  Which is why I'm proposing an entire new monetary system based not on phantoms such as 'floating money', but real commodities.  Such as chicken wings. (Think about it--after The Apocalypse, you can eat your food! Very useful since Jesus continually postpones the end of the world so you never know when to cash out for canned soup, ammunition, and Spam.)

Conservatives, unlike the robotic machine-like liberals (who are also at the same time emotionally overwrought hippies, go figure), are overrunning with fucking compassion.  And they are right to be worried--what happens when we run out of money for bombs?  Because if America can't bring the pain, then America is no longer special.  And if America isn't special, than I am not special.  And if I'm not special, your life isn't even worth living.

So this isn't about me selling my soul to shill for the billionaire elitists. It's about the Asian/Jewish academic elitists and their middle-class elitism.  Shouldn't we judge the results of science, not by results, but whether or not those results agree with my belief system?  What have we gained from knowing that the earth revolves around the sun? Nothing that I've ever heard of. 

It all makes one doubt the wizardry of the economic surgeons and appreciate the old wisdom of common sense: simple regulations, low debt, high savings, hard work, more war and then even more war. You don’t have to be a genius to come up with an economic policy like that.  And believe me--I'm a fucking idiot. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Cat Drinking Technology Inspires New Generation Of Sexbot Designers

Cats Lap With Just Tip of the Tongue, Engineers Find -

Cyborg technologists have discovered that the ability of the family Felidae to lap water through a complex tongue -flicking mechanism could have important implications for sexbot technology in aerospace, education and lonely ham radio operator applications.  "Just imagine the enhanced efficiency of a tongue moving  four times per second in the typical wankfest!" exclaimed one scientific researcher in an online bulletin.  Experiments are reported to be currently underway in laboratories and basements world-wide.

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Future Has Been...CANCELLED!

Hark! The Deficit Angels Sing!

I was polishing my trophy collection (I won the Pulitzer for "Most Insufferably Smug Bastard In Journalism" several years running) while listening to election returns. And then I polished my unbearable smugness--that alienates me from everyone else in the human race, other than my noxiously smug reactionary colleagues

As a friend of mine once said, "I'm dying of a 100 good symptoms."  Well actually it was an immigrant child whom I took off of life support--not on my tax dollars! Yankee Doodle I  Don't Think So!  (I did the right thing.)

And now the Democratic Party is dying, because the 5-10% of the idiots who believe anything they hear on TV voted the other way.  Once again, the inherent wisdom of the voters who change their minds every fucking election has been born out, and the messages is: "We want our cable TV!"  (Advertising doesn't work--that's why people spend so much money on it.  It has no influence on behavior. (Makes sense to me, what's your problem?))

Obama's expansion of government can now be brought to a halt! And lo! I foresee a beautiful vision of America's future.  Where roads are not maintained.  Where drugs are not tested.  Children are not treated for preventable medical conditions but cattle are! Where pollution is free to go where it wants! Hark! The angels are singing and they sing, "Bring back leaded gasoline!"

Congress is not there to enact the will of the people.  They are there to enact the will of Will.  And Will will's this: By no rule but by profit shall ye abide.  So now please excuse me, I must to the bell tower and as they peal, you may hear a cry: "Greed is the greatest good! Greed is the greatest good! Greed is the greatest good! Greed is the only good!"

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Moderate Your Wisdom

If Balzac were alive today, he would plant himself in the Rust Belt.  Why? I'm guessing, because his name is easily turned into "Ballsack" and this region is lousy with South Park fans.
Here Balzac would definitely feel at home.  Like the beautiful corroding tentacles of some giant iron octopus, its rotting, rust-stained tendrils spreading from majestic Pittsburgh to gleaming Ohio to Damp Wisconsin and Moist Arkansas, this area remains wonderfully Talibanesque in its fear of change, fear of the future, fear of education, fear of progress.   (And who was Balzac anyway? An Algerian, most likely.)
 In this, the angry, fearful, bitter, post-working-class, post-industrial, de-employed, dis-informed region, we find "the beating center of American life".  By which I mean there but for the Grace of God Himself, go I.  (Alas The Fates have destined me to exile--New York City.)    
It would take a Balzac to understand the perplexities and contradictions one finds in these neighborhoods.  Certainly I can't.  But I can pander to their fear of African-Americans, Latin-Americans, Asian-Americans, people who major in the humanities, the very small number of Americas who are tenured college professors, scientists, the Asian-Jewish meritocracy, elitist smartie-pants giving them the high hat (such as Lincoln with his high hat) and any other other type of verbal sticky shitty hate and fear I can dream up. In the name of "moderation", of course.  (Hey, don't blame me, I'm just a Republican.  It's what we do.)
In some places, as many as a 2% majority of these voters switched parties in the last election. Although since at least these same idiots switch in every election, one might really seriously question as to whether these people would just do this no matter what.  But this isn't the time for me to question my rhetoric: It's the time for me to state that I Was Right All Along And That's Why The Democrats Lost.  Not that I've ever been wrong about anything.  Besides, we're talking about the people who bothered to fucking show up on Election Day--and as we all know, the elderly are the smartest and wisest amongst us.  I mean, have you ever tried to play bingo? Not as easy as it looks.
In other words, these seemingly utterly irrational, vote-jumping, band-wagon-hopping, Social-Security-&-Medicare-Loving, Government-&-Tax-Hating, apparent-morons are in fact the wisest folk in our nation.  And, they must be listened to.  
Because no matter what: They're going to show up on the next Election Day and vote for the other guy.  And if that isn't wisdom, I don't know what is.