Sunday, November 21, 2010

TSA: Hands Off Our Testicles!

There are an infinite number of heart-breaking stories in the world. War. Famine. Disease. Death. Airport security guards.  And that's why today I'm going to talk about the most burning issue of Our Troubled Times: Airport security guards groping our genitals.  For there is no greater suffering that knowing that the Fourth Amendment rights of my testicles have been violated.  I prefer to get my kicks above the waistline, thank you very much.

First of all, airport security has never prevented any kind of terrorism. Except for that period from 1974 to 2000, when hijackings declined of U.S. passenger flights was nearly zero. So if we exclude that 25-year period in the 100-year history of commerical aviation (and the 50-year history of jet travel) we can safely say that airport security never works. If by 'never works' you mean 50% of the time. And 50% is so close to 0% that it's not even worth the bother to think about it.

The real heroes are not people fighting AIDS in Africa. No sir. The real heroes are those like that anonymous crank who scuffled with airport security guards to keep is privates private. Now that, my friends, is a hero. As Thomas Jefferson once said, "We did not wage war against England in order that my privates could be made public." And once to James Madison, ""Tarry ye not in my under garments, sir!" (I should note here that Madison always denied this story and till his dying day claimed he was just looking for his keys.)

Therefore, I shall regurgitate for the purposes of my quotidian spew for the readers who just skipped to the last paragraph due to being unabled to be buggered: The real heroes are social malcontents who refuse to pay fees for garbage pickup, sewage maintenance/repair, be checked for bombs before boarding a public transit machine that cruises six miles above the ground, or drive in the emergency lane because they're late for a dental appointment.  If we have a choice between functioning sewers and freedom, we must choose freedom every time.  Remember, America, we are but one grope away from facism.

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