Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Age of Information Saturation

  1. Immerse the brain in a solution.
  2. Add information until saturated.
  3. Gradually add more information until information precipitate forms.
  4. Leave brain in solution for 40-50 years.
  5. Brain is just as stupid as when it came in.
  6. Apply for grant on gender-bathroom-equality or clean coal.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Chinese Abortionocracy


We all know that above all things liberals love abortion. It is more dear to them, even, than food stamps or welfare queens living it up in Harlem or school teachers even. But just as I thought it was safe in Godly South Asia (love the kebabs), now even there the liberals are there, fist-deep in blood and uterine matter and gleefully aborting girl babies. That's right, baby girls.

You might ask, how the deuce is this the fault of liberals? Well it isn't--except that they created modern medicine which is being used in ways I disapprove of. Soon I'm people will come to their sense and we shall rid ourselves of these left-wing Dr. Frankensteins who insist upon playing Prometheus with the Will of Heaven. And of course they will burn in hell for all eternity. (Goes without saying.)

But what if people start practicing sex-selective abortion here? Without girls, there will be too many boys, and dire consequences to follow: A shortage (or surplus) of food, rampaging gay marriage mobs in the streets, and a severe lack of tender caresses. (In other words, a lot like being married.)

But the worst part is that those of us lucky enough to find wives will have to constantly appreciate them. The costs of appreciating women have already pushed this country to the verge of economic catastrophe! And there's no end to pleasing them! My credit line is already dry and I'm mortgaged to the hilt! For God's sake!

So. Anyway, in my next column I shall detail a number of remedies for this potential problem which may well never happen, but serves a wonderful purpose: Anytime a filthy hippie asks me, "What about the capital punishment, the poor, the hungry, the helpless, the disabled, the sightless, the toothless, the hearingless, the see and hear too muches, the casualties of war and pollution and toxic waste and global warming? What of them?"

And all I have to say is, "Abortion." And all is right with my world. Geez, it's really hot today, isn't it?


Monday, June 27, 2011

Several States Mandate Distribution And Use Of Morphine: "Life Too Painful In Our State", Say Legislators

In a move which has dismayed many across the nation, state legislatures in Nebraska, Idaho, Indiana, Oklahoma, and Arkansas have passed legislation requiring the distribution of morphine to every state resident. In addition, residents will undergo mandatory drug testing to ensure that they are indeed on drugs. Stated Senator Mike Johanns of Nebraska: "It's simply a matter of compassion. The grim and bleak living hell that pervades every second of being alive in Nebraska demands that we take action. You think we like looking at endless rows of corn fields every god damn day? Hell no!"

The Anti Pain Council Of America has furthermore urged that such requirements be extended to the unborn fetus, stating in a press release, "We have firm biological evidence that the unborn fetus can feel pain at 20 weeks, and therefore recommend that all pregnant women take additional morphine for the sake of their unborn child. We don't know what the heck is going on in there. There are no books or toys--that kid could be really, really bored. We can't let issues of whether not it might kill the mother stand in the way of compassionate pain reduction for all, including the unborn."

160 Million and Counting -

160 Million and Counting -

As alwasys, there is no factoid Mr. Douthat is unable to bend into an argument for his 'side', couched in a snide, barely concealed loathing for anyone who disagrees. To quote our president: "Well done, sir." Hopefully George F. Will will snuff it in the near future so you can assume his mantle.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Word Count: The Fun New Game For The Kids!

First, you type your words! Then you count the words! Then--you try to beat that record! It's


Currently suffering from a lack of outrage. Shall resume wasting the rest of my life on my blog when outrage level reaches sufficient levels. Or I find some crack. Whichever comes first.

Man Intends To Start Batman Fan Forum So That He Can Ban People From It

Musings (by Tonto)

Kemosabee: Me see racist screenplay over the horizon, with me once again reduced to ethnic stereotype Will remain two-dimensional cardboard cutout of a character and sidekick to white eyes. Maybe next season my backstory will be more fully fleshed out.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Supreme Court Forces Bush To Uphold Iraq War Restitution Payments

In an startling 8-to-1 vote, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld a decision in Humanity v. Bush to ask Bush to pay $2 trillion dollars in back payment for costs, damages, and victims' compensation incurred during the invasion and occupation of Iraq.

The formal  Demand for Payment that Bush received at his home in the exclusive Dallas neighborhood of Preston Hollow included compensation for missing priceless artifacts looted from the Iraqi National Museum ($200 million), the cost of veterans medical bills over the next 100 years ($750 million), and damages for emotional suffering to the families of Iraqis who died as a result of the war ($50.00). Other restitution includes gasoline, ammunition, repair and replacement of combat vehicles, air-to-surface missiles, pilot-less drones, the loss of American dignity, general embarrassment for any intelligent person exposed to a Bush speech or press conference, unwanted back massages by foreign dignitaries, and burial costs for both Tony Blair's pride and well as any integrity he ever had.

Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia stated, "It is only fair that the elite are held to be responsible for their crimes, just as we would for any junkie who robs a liquor store. And at least the junkie can say he's on the junk." The lone dissenter, Justice Clarence Thomas, wrote a very brief opinion on the back of dinner napkin, which read: "I like cheese." His office refused to clarify statement and pointed a Wikipedia entry detailing a long history of American "patriots" submitting documents on not only table napkins, but also wrapping paper and shipping boxes. "There is also evidence that the original draft of the Declaration of Independence was in fact written on the back of dentist's appointment card," according the web page.

The former president declined comment, because according to a staff member, "He's busy helping Donald Rumsfeld move some furniture onto the back of pick-up they borrowed from Cheney."


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Wiener Gate Will Live On In Our Hearts


It's with a heavy heart that we Umericans bid adieu to Weiner Gate. Did it not manage to take our minds off the petty details of our own empty souls? Did it not manage to make us feel a little more smug about those of us who haven't been involved in a national sex scandal? Did it not manage to further careers of journalists, perhaps some who can proudly say to their grandchildren, "I was there. I interviewed Wiener about his wiener."

And that is why I am demanding that Congress immediately vote upon a new Weiner Gate Memorial to be added to the National Mall; because we as a nation want, deserve, but above all, need it.

Imagine a giant marble tight boxer style undergarment concealing an unseemly bulge beneath. Majestically it will rise up, rivaling the Washington Monument, a perpetual reminder of the moment we as a nation (except the Amish) took a gander at a very amateurish cock-shot and either snickered like 10 year old boys or screeched in horror like lesbian nuns. (Except the Amish. I suppose that goes without saying, so just assume that for future reference, the Amish are generally not going to be included.)

Visitors will walk into the main lobby, and every slightly risqué shot of the wienerman will be reproduced as huge murals (and will also include the contribution of the humble peasants of Mexico to their history). And, there will be a family restaurant there, serving burgers and freedom fries and other crap.

Visitors will walk up the interior spiral staircase, the walls of which will be a museum and a tribute to the greatest journalists of our time: Wolf Blitzer, Luke Russert, Ryan Seacrest, and (all those others whose names I'm too lazy to look up). Photos and excerpts on plaques of their Wiener Gate interviews (because let's face it, none of these people will be remembered for anything else) shall be thrust into the faces of visitor, whose understanding of the beauty of the First Amendment will arise as they do, higher and higher, until they reach the climax: The Bulge.

This will be even more spectacular than everything that preceded it. There will be a bar, Cock Shotz (you'll never guess the name of their best known drink), a library tediously documenting every last bit of the scandal, a video game palace and day care for the kids, and a Starbucks. In the center will be an empty glass sarcophagus wherein Anthony Wiener shall eventually be mummified and entombed for eternity and for selling hats and t-shirts and whatnot. And there, finally, we will look at his naked pickled corpse and see IT for real. Probably will be a bit of let down, like when I saw Lenin's.

Monday, June 20, 2011

I Am Boycotting The Supreme Court

Posted Because I Fucking Care

Justices Rule for Wal-Mart in Bias Case - Readers' Comments - "First too big to fail; now too big to sue. Not that I'm a big fan of suing - lawyers are the lowest of scum, and I should now, 'cause I've been one for 20 years - but there ought to be at least some pretense of equity."

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Bonergraph And Our Moral Decay That As Usual Is Destroying Us From The Inside

by The Echochamber

Since the beginning of time, new technologies have been associated, by many, with moral decline. Cell phones, playing cards, hippies, the Edison Wax Cylinder...all of these have been subject to the above claim. Sometimes these fears are just plain silly. However, sometimes they are not--and the bonergraph might just be the most dangerous of them all.

One day you're merely performing a shameful, desperate, lonely act--but along comes the bonergraph and it's just as likely you will be sending an image of that shameful act to a woman on another continent. 

Technology really does affect character. Before the Internet I could snidely sneer at the fools and idiots who think differently from myself only via magazines and newspaper op-eds. Now I can snidely sneer at fools/idiots on my blog and op-ed column at the, as well as magazines and newspapers. 

You know what, now that I think about it, I really haven't changed at all. Hmm, maybe next time I write a column, I should ask myself as to whether or not it makes any sense. Not that that's ever stopped me. (You stupid fucking liberal cunts.)

Washington Fallout From Weiner's Resignation - Readers' Comments -

Washington Fallout From Weiner's Resignation - Readers' Comments -

His resignation is just one more reason to despair about America's future. The one articulate voice the Democrats had since Obama transmogrified into Eisenhower is gone. Say hello to huge corporate bonuses, the nearly complete sell-out of our government to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and Wall Street. Soon we can replace our schools with audiobooks of The Holy Bible.


Thursday, June 16, 2011

Who Is James Johnson? -

D.C. lobbyists handing out money? Colluding with regulators and legislators to enrich the corporations that would give them high-paying jobs in the private sector? Gosh durn those fancy pants high hat liberals with their monocles and ivory handled walking canes. Can't stand it when those unionized coal-miners look down their noses at me, just because I eke out a living selling derivatives on Wall Street.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Humble Secret Boners Of Edmund Burke

The Magical Balloon Ride Of Mister Brooks
The philosopher Edmund Burke once said, "Keep it in your trousers." And who are we to say otherwise? If we cannot trust our congressional representatives to conceal their bulges, how are we to trust them with our nuclear weapons?

Thus we need modest, reserved men. Men of humble modest humility. Men with huge expanses of modestitudiness, like our nations vast prairies or lakes of hogwaste. Men who don't wish to impose sweeping changes; for example, men like Obama, although since he's a Democrat who sometimes (though happily, not always) makes things 'better' (as the hippies would have it), I must be against him. Better instead to support a reserved, quiet chappie of vast humbletude who will veer the direction of our ship of state by humbly and modestly destroying it.

This is why Republican presidents have been so great for this country in the last 40 years: Honor. They only wreck the law (or the economy) in order to save it. The unfathomable Reagan (Iran-Contra), the duller-than-gray-carpet Bush Senior, the insipid cowboyism of Bush Junior (and his minions Cheney, Rummy, and Rice, none of whom would recognize truth if it were canned as a diet soda and sold on supermarket shelves) and his honorable delusions about his place in history...cream of the crop when you think about them.

So remember Mr. Burke's advice, and always always conceal your secret shameful desires under a veneer of boring conformity. It's the American Way. Unless your're not on my team.


Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Urge to End It - Understanding Suicide -

The Urge to End It - Understanding Suicide - "Quite inadvertently, the British gas conversion proved that the incidence of suicide across an entire society could be radically reduced, upending the conventional wisdom about suicide in the process. Or rather it should have upended the conventional wisdom, for what is astonishing today is how little-known the British coal-gas story is even among mental-health professionals who deal with suicide."


Quiz: What was the first book of The Holy Bible?

 See Answer: 

The first book of the Bible is Generic. Everyone knows that. (Or was it "Table of Contents"? Or "Preface by the Author?")

WeinerGate: What We've Learned

These are times that try apes' souls. Humans are everywhere, breeding like rabbits, devouring any edible thing in sight (and quite a few that are not), mowing down forests, leaving their garbage everywhere as though the whole planet is their sewer, and tossing bombs at each other while consistently refusing to clean up after themselves. And now they have devised fiendishly clever ways to send each other photos of their own junk. Clearly something must be done. Therefore I am submitting the following recommendations to the High Committee Responsible For The Maintenance Of Ape Purity:
  • Mandatory Installation of Erectometers:  All human males must now be equipped with modern electronic sensors on their genitalia. In this way, their sexual arousal level can be tracked at all times.
  • Separation of the Sexes: Males and females must be kept apart at all times after having reached the age of reproduction. Because frankly they are just too big to flush. Also, this will significantly reduce the number of times a human female must state that she 'has a headache'.
  • Make Cock Shots A Capital Crime: This needs no explanation. And since apparently sending a snapshot of one's genitals (even when concealed by underwear) is the greatest crime a human can commit, shouldn't we oblige them? (By executing as many of them as possible. Besides--my sword thirsts for human blood! Ah, sweet, delicious, but oh-so-fattening human blood.) 
And please remember to read the signs and do not feed the humans.

SIGHTINGS: Reports Of Brother With A Banjo Flood San Bernardino Sheriff's Office

The Sheriff's Department of San Bernardino County, California, was deluged with calls last weekend, as panicked residents reported sightings of an African-American man strumming a banjo. Deputies were overwhelmed as they responded to frightened and confused citizens who claimed to have heard a brother playing bluegrass music. Deputies responding to the call, however, found nothing unusual. When asked for comment, the department's public relations officer, Deputy Linda Garcia, stated, "A lot of people thought they heard or saw something but right now we think it was just a hoax or maybe ball lightning or swamp gas."


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I'm A Simple Person With Simple Values

Hello, my name is Meagan. I am a simple, humble woman, a woman with small-town values, a woman deeply embarrassed and humiliated by the behavior Representative Wiener. So humiliated that I had to post my picture on this web site, and discuss the lurid details here and on Fox News and on ABC News and hopefully a multi-million dollar book deal on how much I've suffered. Then I get the hell out of this shithole town I'm currently trapped in and move to L.A. or New York or Anywhere-But-Here-Ville.
Did I mention I'm a mother? That means I'm a good person--I just don't fornicate with anyone. But that's no reason not to ride this horse until it drops dead, then cook and devour its flesh, tan and sell the hide as "The Texas Bigfoot", auction off the teeth and bones as "The Boggy Creek" monster, and then maybe run over a puppy just for the fun of it. Maybe you'll see me on next year's "Survivor Island".


Monday, June 6, 2011

Gone To Wienerville

Good lord, the most articulate defender of the common people and most of the posters are upset about a "lie"? What about the lies every day from the GOP, from Fox News, the lies that killed tens or hundreds of thousands in Iraq, the lies that have given corporate America a free reign in our nation? If those of you outraged about Wiener represent the typical voter, it's no wonder our country is in such a mess--fools led by lies, but only worried about cock-shots. God get me out this country.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

James Wolcott: Republicans Looking for Love in All the Right Places | Politics | Vanity Fair

Hilarious essay from Vanity Fair:
James Wolcott: Republicans Looking for Love in All the Right Places | Politics | Vanity Fair: "It is a time of great frustration for the Republican groundlings. Obama looks so beatable, so exposed in the clearing. They can taste his vulnerability on their wolf chops, the savory possibility of making him a one-term wonder—Jimmy Carter redux. But Carter was defeated by the mountain majesty of Ronald Reagan, and although every Republican contender invokes Reagan as second only to God in the firmament, bronzing their videos with the lambent earth tones of Reaganesque morning light, none of the dude ranchers competing can quite fill his cowboy boots."

United Nations Report: War On Ignorance Has Failed

The United Nations released a report last Friday documenting the utter failure of the War On Ignorance. The introduction to the report cited 'centuries of wasted effort and investment', including compulsory education, literacy, libraries, colleges, universities, scientific research, and even paranormal psychology.

It continues to say:
From the time of the first calendars, to that of the philosophers of Ancient Greece, many have advocated overcoming the woeful state of mans' confusion, frequently referred to as ignorance. However, again and again, Mankind has not only refused but actively resisted repeated attempts to free it from the yoke of delusion and superstition. The rise of Science appeared to intially provide some degree of hope; but Humanity instead preferred to re-interpret objective reality within a framework of previously held beliefs or existing biases. 'The price of tulips will always go up.' 'God gave my son polio to test my faith.' 'The Earth is 5000 years old.' 'T. Rex bones were created by Satan to lure you into hell.'

With the Internet came a new hope, that an oversupply of information would counter disinformation and falsehoods--alas, it was not to be. The supply of disinformation and distortion was merely amplified by millions of computers all over the globe. Even now, a substantial portion of the Earth's people believe that food and energy are potentially infinite, many think that vaccines cause disease, and that if you just eat some dehydrated seaweed you'll be A-OK.

Therefore, this report recommends that the War On Ignorance be ended. It is too expensive, too time-consuming, and requires too many scarce resources--resources that could be better devoted to improving our lives in more tangible ways, such as increasing access to reality TV, making sure every household on the globe has a celebrity scandal-sheet in the native language in order to track celebrity procreation/adultery/fornication, and inventing new artificial sweeteners for diet soda. By realistically re-ordering our priorities, we can make can more quickly destroy civilization and finally return to the lifestyle for which we originally evolved: Hunting, gathering, and dying of malaria at the ripe old age of 30.

However, no one appears to be aware of the report, owing to a celebrity wang shot that appeared on the internet just minutes before its publication.


Hitchens On Pakistan

From Abbottabad to Worse | Politics | Vanity Fair


Friday, June 3, 2011

The Joke Is On Us

The real joke is that so-called journalists are pandering for ratings by shoving a picture of a summer sausage stuffed into cotton underwear. I guess all we needed to stop the Iraq war was to fake a photo of Shrubya's dong and post it on the internet. Except no one would believe he knew how to use a computer.


Thursday, June 2, 2011

And My Loathing Of NPR's KPCC Continues...

One Congressman, one tweet, lots of fallout | 89.3 KPCC

Larry Mantle, conservative tax-hating radio host for a publicly-funded station in Los Angeles (KPCC) (go figure) and general all-around Republican/Right-Wing shill, asks, 'Why isn't the media following up on Andrew Brietbart's accusations?'

Those of us in the reality-based world are aware that Breitbart has been shown over and over to be a liar, a distorter, a shill for the right, and not a man to be trusted. This hasn't stopped ole' Larry from wondering "Why........?" Well Larry, perhaps because not everyone is as easily duped as you.

But I suppose the rule in news nowadays is 'follow the wiener'. 

The Burning Issue Of Our Times: Wiener Shots

I have to say, I must congratulate the American media: A known liar and fabricator baited a hook for them, and like a school of retarded herrings they all jumped for it.

But can we blame them? After all, they spend their days listening to the most boring and predictable things in the world--politicians. Politicians incessantly reiterating the same dull pointless points over and over, the same meaningless 'move forward' 'go upwards' inspirational huffing and puffing, the endless evasions, feints, bluffs, and ploys in the poker that is the reality of American politics.

So when the possibility that a man drank a few beers, stuffed a sausage into his underwear and snapped a photo of it hit the proverbial fan, of course they will all leap like at that sausage like trained seals who bark on command. "Could the photo actually be that of a congressman with a slippery crowd-pleaser tucked into his nether realms?", they cry with anticipation? For this is what every journalist craves: A mystery. A mystery wrapped in a kielbasa wrapped in a male undergarment.

"I know the size of
my cock--why doesn't
For how could he not know every detail of this? How could a man not know if his account was hacked or not? As Luke Russert (of whom we can all be absolutely certain that his name had nothing to do with his career) observed on MSNBC, we can be certain that a man uncertain of the gorgeous contours of his own penis, even under a pair of gentleman's infra-trousers, is a man worth of Luke Russert's suspicion. Am I going to doubt a man who got his job because of his daddy? Please, next I'll be doubting George Bush.

"I've picked my man-
meat out of a police
line-up on a number
of occasions."
But I'm on a sidetrack here--even Jon Stewart is convinced that he could pick his own man-meat out of a police line-up. And if this criminal justice system has taught us anything, it's that (a) people who are uncertain are guilty as hell, and (b) witnesses are always trustworthy. As long as they're certain. (Who would you trust, a Real American who knows what he saw, or some Poindexter type talking on about DNA and codons and evidence?)

The man who never doubts
 himself is a man you
can trust.
In other words, simply because prosecutors and police and juries succumb to biases doesn't mean we should should expect journalists to be objective. Hasn't Bill O'Reilly taught us anything? Scream now, facts later (preferably when no one cares anymore and there's something else to scream about). And a man definitely, definitely should not be talking to younger women (who should be kept in the home anyway). Anyone who has met a college student knows they have nothing to say, and I'm sure the same applies to medical students, interns, and congressional aides. Have you ever seen a professor talking to his students? Of course you haven't.

And there's no reason anyone else should talk to them either.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

To The Graduates: You Are An Insignificant Worm And Must Submit To The Collective


I don't know who advocated for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (without checking Wikipedia, I'm guessing it was either Stalin or Chairman Mao) but boy was that guy wrong! A careful reading of 2 commencement speeches to college graduates have given me all the insight I need to understand how college graduates think. Which I'm sure is exactly like a college commencement address. (Sadly, I was not invited back to my alma mater to re-deliver my previous graduation speech, "The World Is A Miserable Dung Heap." Which simply proves my point.)

What our current crop of college graduates need to do is one thing: Conform. Did you hear that, young people? Conform conform conform. Let me repeat it one more time. Conform.

The critical mind might ask, "Conform to what, sir?" And my answer is, please shut the hell up. No one asked you to ask anything. Others might say, "But what of your insistence on the existence of Pioneering DNA in every Real American?" Fair question. Although only an idiot would ask it. But that was mostly about voting against anything Obama is for. Any idiot can see that. (Which is why most idiots would not ask that question.)

The pursuit of happiness? Bah humbug flim-flammery. It's only when we've been absorbed into the collective that we find happiness. However, our Real American DNA is perpetually threatened invading outsiders. Like a the usurper virus that invades the cell nucleus and begins producing copies of itself like a Hello Kitty factory, the Asian-Jewish-Elito-Mericratic disease is constantly trying to bypass the immune system of mindless patriotic jingoism and make its own carbon copies with our Real American ribosomes. Which, I've pointed out, is precisely the kind of conformity that we do NOT need.

So remember, conform, but conform correctly. Your DNA is counting on it.