Friday, December 31, 2010

Obama Is Coming To Kill You And Rape Your Daughters

by
Chuckie
Deathhammer

It is my privilege as a published writer in a major national newspaper to wish you all the happiest and most joyous year yet.  And therefore, I would like to say, Obama is coming to kill you, stuff your parents in the Soylent Green factory and rape each and everyone your daughters.  Or he might just send you an email asking for money.  But the risk is clear.


Just the other day, the Obama's Section 1223 decreed mandatory payments for end-of-life counseling.  Up to a shocking once per year.  Get ready to see the people-ovens coming off the production line.  It's only a very short step down from admitting that people will die to murdering them in their sleep.  Is that what you want? You want Obama to come to the nursing home and kill Granny? Because he'll do it, you know.  He's tried to kill me many times already, but I have garlic over my door.  


We all know that life is precious, and never more so than when you're comatose and brain-dead.  And the longer we keep that brain-dead brain alive, and the heart pumping blood to that dead brain, the more preciousness we'll possess.  I think the logic there is pretty sound.  


Also, the government is doing lots of other scary things, such as trying to protect the environment in which we depend for air, water and food and all other kinds of scary nazi stalinist hitler shit.  I don't have time to go into all of that scary stalinist hitler shit right now, but it sounds pretty damn scary, doesn't it?  


And all of this, of course, detracts from the main purpose of the U.S. Government--to keep oil as cheap as possible for as long as possible and burn it as quickly as possible (while keeping out as many immigrants as possible).  (It's in the Constitution, people.)  And no matter how many people die for that, their families will have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm okay and still mongering fear.  Thank you and Happy New Year! As best you can, knowing that Obama is coming to kill and rape your family.



The Sky Is Blue Unless I Say Otherwise

by DAVID
BROOKS
"Our most vibrant institutions are collective, not individual...."


That's correct.  I really said that.  Right in the New York Times.  That's my hinge for an entire argument I've made in a column.  Think about it: Our most vibrant institutions are not 'individual'.  I actually was paid to write that.


Of course, as Merriam-Webster.com defines "institution" as a "significant practice, relationship, or organization in a society or culture," and since humans are by nature social animals and 99% of our behavior occurs, one way or another, in a social context (if not 100%), you might be confused as to what the hell I'm talking about.  Perhaps you're thinking, perhaps he means something like, "groups are not individuals?"  And that is why deficits are good (as long as it's Republicans voting for them). Again, go figure.


But frankly, if you're looking for something profound in my columns, good luck to you, you're an idiot.  But thanks for reading.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Bullshit Awards

The world is fluid--a marvelous dance of subatomic particles, the very dust of stars, perhaps initiated by some omnipotent watchmaker, all working in conjunction to send ship more crap from China to America.



Nowadays we have this thing called 'science'. But the practitioners of science (I believe they generally wish to be referred to as 'scientists').  They even try to make science known to others by writing 'books' and 'papers'.  However, sometimes scientists disagree.  For example, some studies conclude that astrology "kinda works", whereas others assert that it's "super horseshit".  The point is, we should not throw away the results of scientific studies, no matter how nonsensical, poorly planned, sloppily conducted, incorrectly analyzed, or just plain wrong it is.  Why dispense with any horse shit that happens to agree with my pre-conceived notions about how the world works? And my pre-conceived notion about how the world works is this: I actually believe whatever specious crap I'm shoveling today.

For example: I advocate for decreased debt, but I'm also for tax cuts that blow a trillion-dollar hole in the budget, not to mention that sucking wound in the sands of Iraq.  And I seriously appear to believe in simple regulations as a solution to our problems of ever-increasing stresses on our environment, of regulating financiers, of, well, pretty much everything.  After all, science has told us that the world is going to be exactly the same in 100 years as it is now--I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere.

So I feel obligated to award this year's Bullshit Award to the person who deserves it most--me.  See you next year with a fresh new pile of the same ole' same ole'.





Real Christians Against Compassion

by ROSS DOUTHAT
Hiya. Ross in da house.  I'd love to say 'happy New Year,' I really would.  But I just can't. My life, I've realized, is the perpetual suffering of one injustice after another.  Just when I thought I was over the horror of living in a world filled with fake-ass fronters boning in on my very serious Resurrection Celebration (till next year at least), suddenly I am beset by a new affliction.


Liberals (you know how they are/all-alike) had resorted to a fantasy world, and the worst kind of fantasy world: One where Reason supplanted idiotic beliefs about transplanting democracy in the Middle East, burying trillions of dollars in a giant gaping bleeding wound known as 'Iraq', that toxic waste isn't toxic, policing greed with more greed (and so on).  Needless to say I was thrilled when these fabulists had there comeuppance.

But now things are different.  The insanely wealthy have their tax cuts, the noxiously unemployed still have unemployment, and in a move that fills me with a gut-wrenching disgust, the 9/11 responders are to be compensated for medical treatment. (For responding to 9/11! What gives? That money belongs to America.  I shudder to think how many plasma TV sets might remain on the shelves for these M√ľnchhausen Syndrome malingerers.)

Well, that's the world we live in today.  Filled with compromise, stinking of corruption.  But hark ye the words of Jeremiah, unbelievers: "For if thine Accounts Payable doth exceed think Revenue Stream, yay, forfeit thine soul shall be, and accrued interest on municipal bonds naught will become."  But now, at least, you can see me for the kind of Christian I really am: A blustery little fart of a man whose idea of spirituality ends at his checkbook.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

SCIENCE: Oprah's Ego Threatens Fabric Of Space And Time

A team of astrophysical-psychologists, using results from the observable light, as well as radio, x-ray and gamma ray observatories, have tentatively concluded that Oprah Winfrey's ego has become nearly as massive as the universe itself--thereby threatening not only our existence  but possibly entire galaxies; perhaps even the universe itself.

"Were this to happen, the damage would be far beyond catastrophic. In addition to destroying our universe, it's possible that the effects of this super-ultra-massive ego would actually spill over into really cool multiverses, say, one where Hendrix is still alive, or perhaps where Jedi knights can really use the force (not like the ones I met at ComiCon), creating incredibly dense bodies radiating enormous bursts of hypothetical lame particles," stated Dr. Zygot X Killjoy of the Berne University of Switzerland.  "In turn," he continued, "these multiverses would then be filled with laundry detergent advertisement gag beams, predictable dreary celebrity gush radiation, and an utterly depressing diffusion of audience woo! quanta on scales impossible to imagine."

"Our only hope," he concluded, "is to build a portal to a universe where Oprah never existed.  Otherwise, all we can do is watch as our world implodes.  Or perhaps construct a time machine. I must get back to work now."


The Devil's Escalator

by SHYAMALAN
[Scene 1:  A shopping mall escalator with terrifying vistas.  The scrubbed-clean look of the Apple Store is an  ironic counterpoint to the horrible fate that awaits our characters.]
Stereotypical Ex-Frat Boy:
Wow, do you think this escalator is going to go all the way up to the third floor? I should mention that I always grope at least one woman while on public transit.
Elderly Woman Stereotype::
Never cared for escalators myself.  I feel like I'm moving too fast. In my day we had stairs but then the government shut down all  the stairs.
[clunking noise]
Bland Guy Sterotype: What was that?

Scary Black Guy Stereotype: The escalator. It--stopped
Bland Guy: Don't worry, I'm sure someone will come to fix it soon.
Black Guy: You don't understand--I have a severe fear of standing in one spot. Help! Help! Help!"

Incompetent Tit Stereotype: Don't worry, I'll fix it in a minute. Oh, I'm dead.

Superstitious Immigrant Stereotype: When I was small, my grandmother would tell me a story about how the Devil interfering with mechanical devices and electronic devices so that he could torture the damned while they were still on earth.

Steve, Yet Another Uninteresting Character: How did this story end?

Superstitious Guy: I don't know.  I'd become so terrified that I'd piss myself and then she'd laugh and laugh.

Uninteresting Guy: Wow, what a bitch.

Superstitious Guy: Rather.

[End Scene I]


Friday, December 24, 2010

Crap Of Christmas Past

by ROSS
DOUTHAT
Yo. Ross here. Much like me, if you're a Real Christian (i.e. Real American), Christmas is an incredibly challenging time. As I've said before, money is not important in political advertising. But when people use it to exploit your children into asking you to buy shit, it's really annoys me--financially and morally. How dare they? And all of the fake-ass bitches showing up in Church once a year to feel good about life for a bit without even worrying about how they're going to hell for not showing up the rest of the year? Disgusting. And the fake-ass religions that are not only not American but also not even real Christianity? (Short List: Atheists, Dionysians, Quakers). Sickening.

So there are bucketfuls of awful things happening at Chrimstmas time. I also hear that some people are unemployed and shit, but let's focus on the important thing: Culture. After all, what doth it profiteth a man to go on the dole, and lose his soul?  I'm sure I would take my soul over a roof any day of the week.

And yet we must reach some sort of acoomodation with the hell-bound fiends (see above). After all, they're going to have an enternity to rot there, and the Real Christians like me will have eternity to watch them suffer. And isn't that what it's all about?  (Oh, and if you're a NY Times subscriber, yes you will be tormented in Perdition forever and ever, sorry about that for the regular subscribers.)

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Gays Much More Dangerous Than Thermonuclear Weapons by Mitch McConnell

Are You
There,
Magical
Chintuck?

 It's Me, Mitch.
Greetings, America.  Odds are 50/50 you have no idea who I am.  Well I'm the Senate minority leader.  (Yes, an atrocity, given that Real Americans constitute a majority of this country.) (Hippies not included.)

In other words, if you're a Real American, you've doubtless lost interest the second you realized this wasn't about Tiger Woods shooting golf balls at Lady Gaga's baby howitzer.
However, in the offhand chance that someone besides a complete lunatic is actually paying attention, let me say something about the START treaty: I'm agin' it.

"Why?" some may ask.  Indeed you may.  Naturally I could recite a lot of details about payloads and warheads and tactical versus nuclear and a lot of other boring crap, but then we would lose sight of The Big Picture: If Obama wins, I lose.  And when I lose, I get so angry like you would not believe! I pout and make little fists and shout (it's really quite adorable) and my chin flab undulates and sometimes I even get a real boner.  (Not so easy for a man my age; guess there's always an upside.)  And now the heat-seeking missile of man-on-man love threatens to destroy the military that champions our greatest American virtue--cheap gasoline.

And the only way to keep our under-priced, over-subsidized Exxon, Mobil, Shell and Arco stations full of their precious juice is for Americans to vote Republican.  Which in turn makes Republicans more powerful, the wealthy more wealthy, and makes more Americans wish to vote Republican.  It's a beautiful, natural cycle that must not be tampered with.  So I think you'll see why a bit of thermonuclear war is nothing to worry about--not compared to keeping our national Ponzi scheme going.

Just remember Obama, you come up against me, you gonna' lose! (Oh dear, my trousers are getting tight again.)


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Some Like The Forest, But I Prefer Trees

by  DAVID
 BROOKS

I admit it--I don't like the forest.  It's filled with dark and scary places and gingerbread houses made by witches who devour children--preferably cooked.  Give me a tree over a forest any time.

A tree can be examined in great detail without ever really having to know anything about trees, or science, or really much of anything.  Such complex, strange wonderful creatures are trees! How do they grow? I'm pretty sure it's in the fertile cultural loam of working-class America.  It's a nearly endless supply of serf-like labor for the tree.  Also I think the taller the tree grows, the more light the sun creates.  (Try growing a tree in your refrigerator. The more I look at the seedling, the more light appears inside.  I think I'm really on to something there.)  Who's to say I'm wrong?  Not anyone on NPR, that's for certain.

And the branches, the branches! They reach upwards, aspiring to rise from the middle-class to the very top of the tree!

But the top of the tree is where I have a problem: It's looking down on everyone else.  What gives it the right?  Many of these Asian or Jewish elitist branches (some possibly Asian and Jewish) claim to be 'experts' on this or that.  Well I say, "Who/What made you an expert?"  Studying something may seem to make you more of an expert, but studies have shown that in fact studying often leads to less expertise.  For example, the more time you spend studying the forest, the less you may notice that the bark on the tree spells out, "Real America".

And the more time you spend looking at extraneous details of questionable relevance to anything of any import whatsoever, the more able you are to question those self-appointed 'experts' who claim to have 'knowledge' and want to 'warn us' about imminent catastrophes that will kill the trees.  Well guess what? I have a book by some dead Russian dude that tells me that people had problems back then. Yes, even in Russia.  I think I've proved my point: There's a message written in the bark, and you can read it.  Just ignore everything else.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

2010 Census Data Indicates America 'Full Of Dicks'



Analysis of U.S. Census data from 2010 indicates that America is "really full of  dicks,"
according to a report released today.  "All of our data points to a nation-wide pattern of lunacy, paranoia, ignorance, delusion, superstition, and flat-out stupidity."

"Millions of Americans have no idea of the relative cost of primary care versus emergency rooms, believe that Hawaii is not part of the United States, won't shut up about aliens and UFOs, believe that an industry that spends has billions in revenue can be controlled by climatologists, that the CIA can actually keep secrets, that guns will prevent gun violence, and a ton of other crazy shit.  Frankly, we're surprised the nation has not simply sank into the sea, except that such a thing would be impossible if you know the first thing about modern geology--which most people don't.  The point is, we're fucked.  Have you seen their test scores in China? Can you believe there was a time when people actually thought about progress and putting people on the moon? Now they just want to watch HBO."

The conclusion of the report is nearly blank page with nothing on it but the words, "Conclusion" and "Cockknobs".




Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Least Generation (An Ode To)


Through the mire and muck marched we,
Born of a War Cold,
In the fertile Swamp of Hippiedom did we grow,
Toiling serf-like
(at the lunch counter)
   (in the cubicle)
      (with electronic punch cards, (then MS Office))
 (with software to pennies account'ed)
Through the Malls of Shoppe'd,
In Jams of Traffic we sat,
Upon asses flabby such made--
 patiently,
                                          (biding the hours)
 (listening to Top 40 radio)
 (or the Stern of Howard)
 (or the Zoo of Morning)
 (or the radio of Public National)
 (or the Zeppelin of Led)
 (or...well you get the joke by now I'm sure)

For wars upon the Tigres-Euphrates doth we voted,
Yea, and useless but expensive weapons system we were sold,
All the while flying upon the wings of the Steve Miller Band,
(Perhance to hear Frankie of Hollywood did we)
Yea, and now we stand together as one (or more like fifty-one out of one hundred but you get the picture)
Crying "We shall not change!"
Not a single drop of oil will we save,
Nor coal unburnt,
Nor forest uncut,
Nor solar panel be purchased,
For this is Our Destiny,
To devour everything in sight like a plague of locusts,
This unbrave,
This timid,
This fearful,
This paradoxically proud of itself for some damn reason,
This Least Generation.
(finally got there)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Fuck You, America. Fuck. You.

by
GEORGE
F. WILL
Wow, it just feels so good to get that off my mind--been wanting to say that for ages.






Saturday, December 11, 2010

I'll Huff And I'll Puff And I'll Blow Your Treaty Down!

by GEORGE
F. WILL
Being an aging curmudgeon isn't as fun as you might think.  There is a foul stench in the air, and as always, the air reeks of a sulphurous putrescence: To be precise, the rank and reek of liberalism.  As James Madison once said, "This doth vexeth my arsehole."

Of course, my arsehole has been vexed for decades now, ever since I looked up 'soup kitchen' in Webster's.  (Relieved, of course, only by vaguely homoerotic odes to baseball.)

And as predictably insufferably as a hemorrhoids, the reactionary liberals are regurgitating their spew about how nuclear weapons are 'bad' and should be 'controlled'.  Well let me tell you one thing: As far as I know, plutonium is odorless, which makes it just fine in my book.

Furthermore, Russia is a filthy, backwards place, a smelly [sorry, running out of synonyms here] cesspool of corruption, and the only deodorant that will cure it is a massive dose of U-235.  And as Senator Kyl knows, we do not need limits on our weapons of mass destruction.  No, we need to build more of them.  And test them (preferably on Moscow).  Why would anyone be afraid of a weapon if they are not perfectly certain it will work?  (Say, on the Kremlin.)  And as history as clearly shown, the way to peace is to make more and more weapons.  (Critics might observe that since I've advocated ending all government agencies, it's hypocritical of me to advocate massive military spending with taxes in order to prepare for a global holocaust.  But to those critics I will simply say this: You don't understand the U.S. Constitution.  I suggest you read it again--no one said a word about nuclear weapons.)

It's terrible that I should live in  world and suffer such fools as Obama.  Thankfully one day I will have moved on to an odor-free world, absent of reactionary liberals.  But until then, my the vexation of my arse commands me to complain.  And so I shall, in the most pompous way imaginable.

Culture-Vultures Versus Culture-War Whores

by ROSS
DOUTHAT
The culture war continues apace, and by that I mean that right-wing fear-mongering business is as solid as ever.  Journalists might be having a rough time of it but have has anyone heard about Rushboy having to sell a kidney or even some extra skin and adipose tissue to an organ bank?



Some might say we are culture vultures, inventing phantom demons that don't exist whilst ignoring the real, underlying causes of unpleasant phenomena--all the while snatching bites of decaying flesh from a corpse felled by infection of fear that we carry in our veins.

But I prefer to think of our very un-merry little band less as plague carriers feeding off the victims of our latent infection, and more like something a bit more pleasant.  Maybe gangrene or leprosy.

Perhaps Bill O'Reilly should have titled his book Culture War Whore--or even better,  Culture Whorrior.  


Let's face it: Business is business; the business of America is Business; and when Business and Religion walk together, arm in arm, then America is a land of content and happy people.  And wouldn't you know that there is something new to be afraid of? (Amazing how that never fails to happen.)

Divorce was once the province of hippies, bohemians, beatniks, anarchists, Marxists, and cartoonists. (What I refer to as 'the disposables'.) But now this menace of people who can't stand each other has has infected real Americans--assembly line workers, typists, type II diabetics...in other words, people who can be relied upon to hit the panic button at election time and vote Republican.

The National Institute For The Study And Preservation Of Full On Legal Heterosexuality, Contractually Obligated Child-Rearing And Heaven-Approved Coitus [NISPFOLHCOCRHA] (under the auspices of the Who Is Groping Whom Foundation Of America, an arm of the Society of the International Nosy Fuckwits) released a shocking, terrifying and therefore (to me) highly gratifying new report. My beloved working class is divorcing and church-not-attending at higher rates than ever, even higher than the brain-washed college-educated dupes.

Why is this happening? Could it be due to shifting demographics in the college-bound? Economic instability that harms the working class more than the middle class? Erosion of middle-class stability? Or perhaps unreliable data from an unreliable source? Something else? Please, those would be obvious to a scientist who wasn't paid to investigate why divorce is ruining our country.

But as anyone who's read my recent column on the 'partisan mind', my cognitive filters won't even let those considerations in. Besides, to question science, you must understand science--and this is business.  The business of opinion.

No, America, the truth is one we cannot avoid: There is a moral rot: A stinking rot that makes us avoid churches, sign up for sophisticated corporate confidence schemes that offer us things that are too good to be true; a rot that even forces us not want to spend our lives with someone who makes us utterly miserable (in defiance of the Lord's Will).

Because to think otherwise, I'd be shunned faster than you can whisper "David Frum" three times to your bathroom mirror--and kissing Rush Limbaugh's shoes is not the reason you want to take a trip to Florida. Because God only knows what's on them. And He ain't sayin'.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Obama Swaps Lincoln Memorial For Scott Brown's Navel Lint

Discarded photos of Sen.
Brown's naughty 'sixth
orifice'
(digitally aged over 20 years).
Democrats were dismayed today to learn that one of Washington's most treasured monuments, the Lincoln Memorial, had been traded to Republican U.S. Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts.



Obama reminded Democrats that although it looked like a "bad deal," this was "necessary result of prolonged and lengthy negotiations, and besides a significant amount of earwax was obtained in the deal."

"Wrong Sanchez" Not A Filthy Joke

The Wrong Sanchez Shows Up for the Jets - NYTimes.com


New Study Links To On-screen Violence To Video Game Violence

A new study has linked violence in movies to violence in video games.
According to a new report from Miskatonic University Department of Psychology, "Children are often exposed to mind-numbing levels of violence in terrible movies starring Sylvester Stallone, are unable to get their money back for the ticket, forced to splurge money on overpriced snacks and soda, sit through endless Harry Potter trailers, and then once at home take out their frustration in an orgy of mayhem in Grand Theft Auto's Liberty City."

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Us Versus Them Versus Me

Ross Goes
To NPR
Scott: Hello, this morning we have conservative columnist Ross Somebody who somehow has made a career writing, as in putting words in a page in a certain order.  Is that not correct?



Ross: You are correct sir.

Scott: For whom do you order these words?

Ross: Why the New York Times, of course.  That's what gives me creds.  Otherwise I'd just be some loser spouting off on his blog.

Scott: No argument here.

Ross: Good.  Let's keep it that way.

Scott: Well this is a weekend show, and the last thing people want on their Saturday morning is sharp questioning of political figures.  Anyway, why the hell are you here exactly?

Ross: That's an excellent, probing question and I'm delighted to answer it. I'm here, of course, talk about my word-ordering job.  Recently I wrote a column, The Partisan Delusion.  I took many words, as many as 500, and put them in a certain order to make a point: Everyone's a sucker but me.


Scott: You and Homer Simpson, Ross.  Do tell.

Ross: I shall, sir, I shall.  You see, I recently discovered heretofore utterly unknown to Science: Partisanship.

Scott: Partisanship?

Ross: Yes. Partisanship. It affects our perception.  Creates delusions--dangerous delusions.

Scott: Dangerous delusions! [gasps]

Ross: Yes, that is why the progressives have now become pro-war and anti-civil-liberties.
.
Scott: They have?

Ross: Yes, having a black guy has president has made them arrogant, delusional, and caving into a dangerous group-think.

Scott: So that's why we should not criticize the Republican Party party?

Ross: Exactly.  It's hypocrisy to criticize hypocrisy.

Scott: [gasps]

Scott: So, belonging to one group changes how you see members of another group?

Ross: Correct.affects our perception.  And that's why we should not criticize the Republican Party party.

Scott: Wait a second.  But isn't this simply the well-known principle of in-group/out-group or "us versus them"?

Ross:  No. This is different.

Scott: How?

Ross: Haven't the foggiest.  But as a Christian who's ready to look down upon non-Christians and judge them as morally inferior and therefore more likely to take out sub-prime mortgages, I feel I am in a position to say that partisanship makes one a hypocrite.

Scott: Um...

Ross:  I am ready, sir, to point fingers and my finger is pointing at the Democrats.  Now that they're in power, they're blinded by power and now cast accusations of hypocrisy.  This in turn leads to a demand for intellectual purity...which in turn leads to a refusal to compromise.  And this refusal to compromise is in turn delusional.

Scott:  So was it delusional of you to say that Bush was "right" about Iraq?

Ross: Iraq is a democracy!

Scott: That is aligned with Iran?

Ross: It's a beacon of Hope and Freedom!

Scott: But what about Maliki's alliance with Sadr and the fundamentalists?

Ross: Freedom!

Scott: So there's nothing hypocritical in casting accusations of hypocrisy in order to support your argument that the Democrats should compromise with Republicans no matter how inane, useless or flat-out insane?  And you would dismiss any alternative explanations, such as progressives simply having become despondent because after Obama caving on civil liberties, they simply feel as though there is no better alternative?

Ross: Finally, you understand. You're smarter than I thought.

Scott: Thank you.

Ross: You're welcome.

Scott: So if the GOP wants to send a giant pancake to the moon instead of building new colleges, Obama should compromise?

Ross: Send half'a giant pancake. But leave out the giant bottle of maple syrup.  I mean that's crazy, who needs maple syrup on the moon.

Scott: So you would support sending half of a giant pancake to the moon?

Ross: If that's what the Republican Party demands, then the Democrats must compromise.  That's democracy.

Scott: Makes sense to me. Next up, the ghost of Joseph Goebbels will be on to share ethnic holiday recipes.


Friday, December 3, 2010

NPR: Send Us Your Money Or Die Leeches

AirTalk
with
Larry
Mantle


Mantle: Hello, Los Angeles, welcome to Airtalk.  What's your beef?

Caller: The economy was doing much better in previous decades when taxes were higher.  Instead of cutting taxes, the government stimulate the economy.

Mantle: You don't know that.  The Bush tax cuts may have made the economy better.  Every night I sacrifice a rooster to the Sun God to ensure that the Sun rises in the morning.  Would the sun rise if I stop sacrificing roosters? Maybe--but should I take that chance? We only have glowing orange ball in the sky and I personally am not willing to risk it.

Caller: What?

Mantle: Please, think critically.  Correlation is not causation.

Caller: But the deficits and military spending--

Mantle: Look, you can believe whatever you like.  It's a free country.  But if we had not invaded and occupied two nations and killed tens of thousands of people, all Americans could have been killed in a plane crash by now.  You don't know.  You can't prove that I'm wrong.

Caller: I'm confused...

Mantle: Good.  Because this is the kind of thoughtful dialogue you can have only hear on KPCC. Not like those commies at Pacifica or KPFK.  Next, we have Todd from the American Enterprise Institute, who will no doubt spew some utterly predictable bullshit about taxes or global warming. Are you there Todd?

Todd: Here Larry and great to be here.

Mantle: Great to be anywhere at my age, ha ha.

Todd: Ha ha

Mantle: Al Gore.

Todd: Ha ha, please, Larry, no more.

Mantle: Okay, let's go to our next caller. Hello, you have a question for Todd?

Caller: Yes, I'm unemployed, I have no medical coverage, and soon I'll be homeless. I don't qualify for aid because I have no children and I'm too young for Medicare or Social Security. Fiscal austerity will end any chance I have of finding work or having a roof over my head.

Mantle: Well you'll just have to suck it up for America, and frankly you don't sound like the kind of person who donates to Public Radio or KPCC.  Todd?

Todd: Fuck her. Taxes are evil, war is good, and global warming is a myth.

Mantle: Wow, great conversation Todd, I did not expect a man who works for billionaires to say that.  Only on public radio, folks.  Please support us and become a member by sending as much money as you possibly can.  You wouldn't want to see me out of job, would you?

Tomorrow's show: Why California colleges are for white people who worked very hard by being born in this country.  Please join us.