Sunday, December 26, 2010

SCIENCE: Oprah's Ego Threatens Fabric Of Space And Time

A team of astrophysical-psychologists, using results from the observable light, as well as radio, x-ray and gamma ray observatories, have tentatively concluded that Oprah Winfrey's ego has become nearly as massive as the universe itself--thereby threatening not only our existence  but possibly entire galaxies; perhaps even the universe itself.

"Were this to happen, the damage would be far beyond catastrophic. In addition to destroying our universe, it's possible that the effects of this super-ultra-massive ego would actually spill over into really cool multiverses, say, one where Hendrix is still alive, or perhaps where Jedi knights can really use the force (not like the ones I met at ComiCon), creating incredibly dense bodies radiating enormous bursts of hypothetical lame particles," stated Dr. Zygot X Killjoy of the Berne University of Switzerland.  "In turn," he continued, "these multiverses would then be filled with laundry detergent advertisement gag beams, predictable dreary celebrity gush radiation, and an utterly depressing diffusion of audience woo! quanta on scales impossible to imagine."

"Our only hope," he concluded, "is to build a portal to a universe where Oprah never existed.  Otherwise, all we can do is watch as our world implodes.  Or perhaps construct a time machine. I must get back to work now."

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