It is my privilege as a published writer in a major national newspaper to wish you all the happiest and most joyous year yet. And therefore, I would like to say, Obama is coming to kill you, stuff your parents in the Soylent Green factory and rape each and everyone your daughters. Or he might just send you an email asking for money. But the risk is clear.
Just the other day, the Obama's Section 1223 decreed mandatory payments for end-of-life counseling. Up to a shocking once per year. Get ready to see the people-ovens coming off the production line. It's only a very short step down from admitting that people will die to murdering them in their sleep. Is that what you want? You want Obama to come to the nursing home and kill Granny? Because he'll do it, you know. He's tried to kill me many times already, but I have garlic over my door.
We all know that life is precious, and never more so than when you're comatose and brain-dead. And the longer we keep that brain-dead brain alive, and the heart pumping blood to that dead brain, the more preciousness we'll possess. I think the logic there is pretty sound.
Also, the government is doing lots of other scary things, such as trying to protect the environment in which we depend for air, water and food and all other kinds of scary nazi stalinist hitler shit. I don't have time to go into all of that scary stalinist hitler shit right now, but it sounds pretty damn scary, doesn't it?
And all of this, of course, detracts from the main purpose of the U.S. Government--to keep oil as cheap as possible for as long as possible and burn it as quickly as possible (while keeping out as many immigrants as possible). (It's in the Constitution, people.) And no matter how many people die for that, their families will have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm okay and still mongering fear. Thank you and Happy New Year! As best you can, knowing that Obama is coming to kill and rape your family.