Saturday, April 30, 2011

SIGHTINGS: Is Obama A Descendant Of The Ancient Astronauts?


Now That The Fringe Is Mainstream, We Need A New Word: 'MainFringe'

Growing Number of Americans Say Obama is a Muslim - Pew Research Center

Local Bullshit That Infuriates Me For Some Fucking Reason

This "Larry Mantle" asshole at KPCC, a taxpayer/listener supported radio staion in Los Angeles.

His show should be called "Two Hours With Senile Old Conservative" Mon. through Friday.  I kid you not. He was going on about pensions, and a caller said, "Well better pensions might attract better people to these jobs." His response? "Oh, well maybe they'd just pay more to attract better people." Right, we're going to cut taxes and pensions but increase public employee salaries. What a fucking asshole. 

P.S. He's the same asshole who defended those Bell City councilmen (in L.A. County) for doing 'hard jobs' before it turned out they were all completely corrupt and stealing from the city treasury, expressing anger that incoming Gov. Jerry Brown would make "political hay" out of it.  How does this shithead keep his job, it's amazing. (Probably, no one is paying attention to anything he says, so what's my excuse?)


Welcome To The Holy Church Of Tax Evasion

Greetings and welcome to the Holy Church of Tax Evasion. Please come here for a place to gather in a community of fellow-worshipers seeking solace, overseas tax shelters, questionable deductions, and support from other seekers in finding loopholes for their personal or business income. Or, perhaps, just a bit of fun by laundering some cash on bingo night. Like, whatever.


How Many Humans Can You Gas And Still Be Forgiven?

by Dr. Prurient
T. Logicus

My colleague Ross Douthat makes a wonderful, beautiful point. In these days of moral lassitude--if not outright depravity--we frequently encounter a terrible phenomenon: The failure to believe that at any moment, any action we take could could result in eternal punishment forever and ever in some horrible, never-ending after-life spent in a lake of fire and sulphur? Why else would you do something for someone else? Because it feels right? I think not.

No, you do the right thing in a state of lifelong anxiety because you know that if you don't your time in Hades will be a lot like a British boarding school--except it will be at the temperature of liquid brimstone (about 900 Fahrenheit...that's pretty hot!)

Mr. Douthat--correctly--cites the example of Tony Soprano. As a fictional character, he is an excellent guide on how to live our lives. Better yet, he's on TV, so we don't even have to buy a book. Over and over we root for Tony to finally turn it around and do the right thing and the show keeps suggesting that it's going to happen but then the producers finally screw us over and don't even give us an ending because 'that's not how reality works'. Apparently both the producers and Mr. Douthat forgot that Sopranos was a TV show. I'm sure there's a point in there somewhere.

And that point is (so that you don't have to figure it out for yourself (you see, I'm already doing a better job than The Sopranos producers)) is that every day we have to ask ourselves, "How many humans can a run through a gas chamber and still be forgiven for my sins?" Because without us asking that question, we might not be distracted long enough to realize that the question is incredibly fucking stupid. After all, who really cares about humans anyway? There are far too many of them running loose around town as it is.

Now that I think about it, maybe the real point of Sopranos was that people don't change and anyone who believes otherwise is probably fooling themselves. Hmm. Perhaps I should have written about something else.

Yours in the Great Simian,
Dr. Prurient T. Logicus

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Advice From Rice

Nobody Puts Condoleezza Rice in a Corner -

"Never think about all the mistakes that you made. It's like really really unproductive. Especially when that's pretty much everything you did for eight fucking years. Oops."

Monday, April 25, 2011

"Decision Points" Re-Categorized As "Humor & Comedy"

Crown Publishers announced in a press release today that the former president G. W. Bush's, Decision Points, had incorrectly been promoted as an autobiography. 
[Crown] acknowledges that there were many egregious errors in the book, such as our mistaken belief that Mr. Bush was the author of the book, or that Mr. Bush could write any book, or that anyone could seriously believe anything that Mr. Bush would say after 8 years of non-stop lies, deceit, and general incompetence. Nor could we seriously entertain the contention that he did, as he claimed, "worked very hard." For all of these errors, Crown Publishers sincerely apologizes to any readers who felt that our company had engaged in deceptive practices.  However, we do believe that it can proudly take its place between The Ultimate Garfield Compendium and Dave Barry's witty take on suburbia, Why Won't My Wife Take It Up The Ass?  


Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Future Will Be Hunky-Dory

From KPCC And Larry Mantle's Airtalk: Dan Gardner, Author Of Future Babble

Larry Mantle: So it's my understanding that predictions are pretty much always wrong. Right?

Dan Gardner: You are correct sir. For example, some guy predicted that there would be worldwide famine by the 70's but there wasn't.

Larry Mantle: So true. Pollution just takes care of itself. We used to have air pollution in Los Angeles and then it just went away. I believe it was just a random fluctuation.

Dan Gardner: Exactly--that's why the future is unpredictable. It's all random chaos. That's why science doesn't work. How do we know that everyone will die eventually? Maybe some people won't.

Mantle: And the population problem just went away too.

Gardner: Exactly. And that guy who said that refused to change his predictions.

Mantle: I think that proves that there was nothing to worry about in the first place. And I can't think of any holes in your theory; I mean, if I don't see famine, poverty, or malnutrition outside my front door, they don't exist.

Gardner: They don't. As we know, the time between now and the 70's is about the same time span as the dinosaurs lived on the planet, and since we haven't seen any significant changes over those eons, there will surely be none to worry about.

Mantle: You're so right. Water and sunlight are infinite in supply, that's why a pine tree can grow all the way to the moon.

Gardner: No reason it couldn't.

Mantle: And I'm sure multi-drug resistant tuberculosis is another liberal myth to scare us, just like lead poisoning.  Coming up next: Food riots in the Middle East and North Africa spur revolt. Later I will be hosting an "Objectivity In Journalism" event where I will probably be asked, "Why haven't you been Huell Howser'd into tasting pies in Central California, you senile old git?"

Well, there you have it, folks: The kind of objective journalism you can only find here at KPCC or pretty much an AM station run by daft right-wing loons.


My Thoughts Are So Complex, Not Even I Can Understand Them

As I noted on NPR the other day, no one has done a good job of educating Americans about Medicare. Just as it took courage for George Bush to do the same insipid thing day after day, year after year, it takes courage for me to say the same insipid things day after day, year after year. And I didn't get where I am by caring about poverty or medical treatment for the elderly.

They're just going to have to accept the fact that freedom has a price. In this case, it's not 'live free or die', but 'live free, then die'. Preferably with the least amount of bother to me. If you can afford private insurance, great, but otherwise, please do not stand in the way of the wealthiest Americans becoming wealthier. Just have the decency to appreciate your freedom as you die quietly of a treatable illness. It's what any Real American would do, I'm sure.

Android & iPhone Secretly Tracking Your Boners

A security consulting firm has discovered that both the Android and iPhone smartphone operating systems are consistently tracking sexual arousal in unecrypted system files.  Neither Apple nor Google would comment on this report; however, many have reported, anonymously, that "quite of lot" of giggling can be heard coming from certain offices at their corporate headquarters. Repeated calls to the office of Steve Jobs only generated enormous amounts of snickering on the other end of the line. This reporter was, however, asked, "Do you have 10 pound balls?"


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Fatburner Is For Fat Fucks

Calorie Burn Continues After Workout, Researchers Find -

SIGHTINGS: Was Genghis Khan's Hat Pointing Towards The Ancient Astronauts?


SIGHTINGS: Did The Ancient Astronauts Introduce Chairs To The Persian Empire?


SIGHTINGS: Were The Ancient Astronauts Stoned Out Of Their Fucking Minds?


SIGHTINGS: Was Ayn Rand Actually A Vampire?


Oftentimes people come up to me and say, "There are no words to describe what you do." Not sure what they mean by that but I'm sure it's a compliment. The point is, people think in metaphors. For example, when I see a picture of Ronald Reagan I think 'Real American', but when I see a picture of Billy Dee Williams, I think "Dial 9-1-1."

So you see, people are complicated. So complicated that they can't be understood. Frequently people write to me and say, "Your columns make no sense whatsoever." Well of course they don't. The world is too complicated to be understood. How many times have you gone out to buy a stick of gum but come back with a dime bag of heroin?

Take those so-called "wealthy". What many say is greed piled upon greed piled upon avarice, as the One Per Cent grabs more and more and more of the big money, is to me something else altogether: A paycheck. I didn't get where I am today by speaking truth to power. No, I prefer to power the truth. When you're like me, a reactionary who spends his nights worrying about how the Asian-Jewish Meritocrats are plotting to destroy the Real Americans (the people who don't live or work in New York City like I do), the Real People with Real Values  who think a glacier is an ice cream, the Real People like me who are too real to bother with really understanding science and thus are easily pleased with the pretty facts, not the ugly ones, those people who are knee deep in pig shit every know what, those are mostly Real Mexicans, so cancel that last one.

So if you cut Medicaid or Medicare, and give the One Percent their tax cuts, you can see that one thing is utterly possible: Leprechauns will create more medical care. Of course by "leprechaun" I'm using a metaphor; because Americans will always manage to solve the problem (it's what Real Americans  do).

How? How the fuck should I know, they're leprechauns! But since we think in metaphors, what's the difference? The answer: None at all. All we have to believe is that the real-or-not leprechauns will fix it. And isn't that good to know?


Monday, April 18, 2011

Jon Stewart Bravely Stands Against Democratic Metaphors

Jon Stewart Bravely Stands Against Democratic Metaphors

So cutting Medicare or Medicaid would not literally be a "deathtrap"?  When was the last time Jon Stewart delayed medical treatment because he couldn't afford it, or care was rejected by his insurance plan, or he had neither health insurance nor cash to pay for treatment? 

I'm guessing, not lately. In the meantime, many go without basic medication to control cholesterol or blood pressure or any number of other conditions. So the next time you decide to spend 10 years complaining about how the democrats can't communicate and then bitch and whine about their hypocrisy when they do, maybe you should just think to yourself, "Perhaps I, Jon Stewart, should just shut the fuck up instead of feeling obligated to slam at least one person to the left of John Birch in every episode. Maybe I'm becoming out-of-touch with the average American who is just struggling to get through every day and really couldn't give a liter of rat's piss about the duplicity of the left. But shouldn't we appreciate the fucking American-ness of everyone who wants to eliminate the social safety net, eliminate paying those nasty public defenders (so much easier to toss poor people in the can when they can't afford an attorney and they're probably guilty of something), reduce law enforcement and firefighters and get rid of those lazy teachers...I mean, they still believe in FUCKING FREEDOM, don't they?" In other words, Stewart, the way you feel about Obama, is the way I feel about you. Not that any of it matters because our nations politics is eventually up to swing voters, who must be the biggest idiots on the planet.

There, I feel slightly better.  


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Paul Ryan: The courage to appease.


Few have ever shown the courage Representative Paul Ryan. The courage to cut the social safety net from people who never vote Republican (if they vote at all) by $3 trillion--and give Republicans $3 trillion in tax cuts! To take something from your enemy and give it to your supporter? That is some mofo testicular fortitude--reminds me of the time the Pope came out in support of Catholicism.  (In spite of what Jesus had told him just the previous day when they met at Starbuck's.)

Courage at last, courage at last! My friends, courage at last!

Ahem, sorry, got carried away there...where was I? Yes, courage. The courage to take from someone and give it to someone else.  But moreover, hope. The hope that this taking from one and giving to another will make the sea rise and thus all our boats will rise a bit higher. Some of use will be in yachts, others in dinghys with holes in them, and no doubt others will be in lifejackets clinging to a capsized vessel...but hey, the ocean is rising and a current may well carry you to land. Or perhaps not. But even if it doesn't, you can still hope to find some tossed off scraps from bypassing yachts or maybe a cruise line vessel. (I hear they have awesome buffets, so the amount of garbage must be incredible.)

Even more courageously, Mr. Ryan bravely stands up to his own party by not cutting a single red cent from the military (we've got to keep up appearances--you can't impress the Chinese with some rusty old B2 bombers from the 80's, after all). Even Medicare comes in for a shave, except for those over 55 and who vote solidly GOP. We applaud you, Mr. Ryan, for showing courage--the courage to appease your friends, allies, and supporters. Thank you *sniff* thank you. Sorry, I have to go, I'm going to tearing up....

All Work And No Play Makes Jack Chop His Family Into Pieces


Sunday, April 10, 2011

Obama Promises To Further Demotivate Democrats

President Obama said that he was "mildly pleased" with the compromise to avert the budget shutdown. "I felt that this was a good opportunity to further demotivate, de-inspire, and just plain demoralize anyone with any degree of common sense.  The best way to negotiate is to cave in at the beginning, then continue caving in. Or at least give everyone that impression. Give every semi-rational person in the nation the feeling that we're pretty much under the guidance of people who think the country peaked during the years of Chester A. Arthur. Because the less you hope for, the more you appreciate what you have."


Musings: The Joy Of Fishing

Do you want to sit on your ass, drink beer, smell like fish, be covered with blood and maybe watch something wriggle helplessly until it dies. Try fishing.

Conservatives Plan Circle Jerk Over Ryan Budget Plan

by Dr. Prurient
T. Logicus
Several of the nation's most prominent conservative thinkers have informed your humble scribe that they intend to meet in front of the Washington Monument, place a copy of Rep. Paul Ryan's 73 page budget plan (yes, 73 whole pages! many of them even have words on them!) in the middle of their circle, and then masturbate furiously whilst chanting, "No budget cuts make Jack a dull boy," over and over.  This shall continue until every ape is utterly and completely spent--and seeing how yours truly plans to join them, well this could go on all night!

The Plan, as I will heretofore refer to it, is serious.  Or as my colleague Chuck Deathhammer has said: Very, very, serious. And seriously erotic. Does the thought of giving insurance company CEOs a bonus while reducing health care for those pesky lingering seniors who refuse to die (you hear me, Grandma?) give you a rager? Of course it does! If they had lived moral upright lives they would be rich by now anyway. Hey, if you choose to fritter away your life in some dead-end, low-paying job like teaching ghetto kids how to read, who's to blame except yourself? You could have been selling derivatives for Goldman-Sachs; don't come crying to Joe Taxpayer because you squandered your life helping others and now you have breast cancer but you can't pay for chemo. Perhaps you should have done what George Bush did: He retired and then published a ghost-written best-seller to supplement his lifelong pension and medical benefits and his meager inheritance of millions upon millions of dollars from his mom and dad. How about trying that before you hold out your hand for some chemo-dollars?  I suppose you want some radiation therapy too, you greedy bitch? Geez, I'll send you a check already...stupid experimental drugs. (Well there goes my new boat by the way.)

And look at poor Chuckie. His wheelchair doesn't even have a flag or a backpack or a sticker even. Well, I'd better find something else to be angry about. I planned to catch so much marlin in the gulf too....


Saturday, April 9, 2011

Sydney Lumet, RIP

Quite the resume there, Mr. Lumet.  But can you handle typing or light filing or answering phones?  Wait a second. Your resume says that YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD. Huh.  Well.  Anyway, so what was George C. Scott really like in real life? I bet he was a grumpy bastard just like his film characters, you know, crusty but just loveable enough that you'd want to hang with him? Huh? Huh?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Driving On The Right Is Driving Towards Collectivism

George F.
"Today Bush is president and your driving a Lexus; tomorrow Obama has been elected and you're driving a tractor.  It can happen LIKE THAT."

As usual, I was battling the forces of Marxism (not Groucho--please don't start with me), this time by driving south in a north-bound lane on the highway.

 "Safety first," you say?  Sure--and soon you will be safely ensconced in a re-education camp and indoctrinated in the ways of liberal socialism! Laugh if you must but that is exactly what happened to this humble wordsmith.  (Or is that "wordsmithee"? No, pretty sure it's not.)

It was only a fortnight ago--yet seems more like dream, or rather, an Orwellian nightmare of repression. I had begun to express my individualistic impulses by aiming my vehicle towards the Polar Star; all others seemed to be on some Oddysean voyage to yonder uncharted isles across a vast, cruel sea ruled by the whims of Poseidon, wherein dwelt strange sirens and beasts. (Although many were taking the Disneyworld exit.)

But no sooner had my Arctic-wise journey started--which like all journeys was also a journey inward to my soul--then suddenly it was ended.  I heard a mysterious voice from seemingly everywhere, as if Zeus himself was speaking to me: "Sir, pull the vehicle over," it exclaimed, loud as thunder.  An eldritch figure in a uniform and wide-brimmed hat appeared from a horseless chariot with lights as bright as the sun. I expected my life to soon be over; surely this was Death himself, come to claim my soul! But this was not Death but a fate much worse--nay, as I soon learned, death would have been a blissful release. The figure slowly approached me. "Sir, have you been drinking?"  The thing, which claimed to be a man and called himself 'Trooper', not only wrote a legal summons for me to appear in court, but called me a 'dangerous idiot' and had my car towed.  (Another eldritch figure appeared, he called himself "Tow Man."

The next day I found myself not on a journey into my soul or anywhere but into the harsh, cold, embrace of Police Statism. The Archimdean Levers of socialism pried me into the role of obedient supplicant.  More specifically, an obedient supplicant forced to pay a fine for a moving violation. I tried to explain to the judge that I was on a journey towards individual authenticity and that's why I was driving against traffic on the interstate but he was having none of it. With all the arrogance of one in a position of might and power, he gave me a choice between prison versus the re-education camp (which he claimed was a 'traffic school', whatever the hell that is).  "By Hades' scepter, you shall never imprison my mind!" I cried.  He looked perplexed and said, "Next case number is 15 on the docket."  I think he got the point.

Wish me well, gentle readers, for tomorrow I am to be indoctrinated in the collectivist ways and means socialist traffic law.

To Be Continued...


I Am Going To Masturbate In Public Over The Ryan Budget Plan

This is the moment of truth: Finally we conservatives can proudly stand up and say, we don't have the foggiest but it doesn't matter because we just don't give a shit. Seriously, I pulled a good wank just reading the outline.

Cut taxes! Cut Social Security! Cut Medicare! Maintain military spending at current levels! It's just so fucking great! Simply thinking about those lower interest rate payments on the deficit gives me a raging boner!

But you want to know what really, really turns me on? (Lean in a bit closer...don't be afraid...) The people dying because they can't afford medical care.  Good lord, is there anything more modesty-inducing than not being able to pay for antibiotics? Perhaps we would even see a resurgence of polio (Nature's most modest-inducing childhood disorder). More polio would create so many more great men, such as the FDR. (Hang on a second, let me think about that one.)

Perhaps smallpox would be a better option--it seems to be less likely to create frothing-at-the-mouth liberalism. You know what, either way.  We'll have modesty breaking out across the nation like a the acne of an oily boy who just hit puberty. And this is why I support Ryancare: Our nation will finally be returned to it's stolid, conformist-yet-independent, compassion-without-action, caring-without-lifting-a-fucking-finger (except for the one that's going to be stimulating me anally as I read about the plan for Medicare vouchers) modestly-immodest-telling-everyone-else-how-to-live-modestly nation.  The way the United States of America was meant to be.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Bristol Palin Paid $262,000 Not To Have Any More Damn Kids

The Society To Please For Christ's Sake Don't Make Any More Palins has announced that it paid Brsitol Palin a "big wad of cash" to "please not make any more of those little bastards."

John Tribbles, the organization's CEO, said in an interview that, "This is not a payoff by conservative operatives to the Palin family. We really do not want anymore of them, and neither do our donors."

When asked for comment, Ms. Palin responded, "What do you like better for a boy's name, Cody, Troutman, or Superfish?"


The Daily Show Bravely Treads Into No-One-Gives-A-Shit-Territory

Jon Stewart once more managed to stereotype liberals as hypocrites, or worse, as human beings who do not always live up to their ideals. How was amazing feat accomplished? By lumping all leftists into some vague mass of a vaguely anti-History Channel mass.  Lacking, it seems, was any realization that basically, Mr. Stewart, no one gives a shit.  But kudos to you and your Muslim Uncle Tom, Mr. Mandvi, for trying to give us the balanced perspective on our current political situation: Liberals are just as bad as the people who want to dismantle the government (except the military) and return America to the way things should be, when Chester A. MacArthur was running the show.  So fie on them.