Thursday, April 7, 2011

I Am Going To Masturbate In Public Over The Ryan Budget Plan

This is the moment of truth: Finally we conservatives can proudly stand up and say, we don't have the foggiest but it doesn't matter because we just don't give a shit. Seriously, I pulled a good wank just reading the outline.

Cut taxes! Cut Social Security! Cut Medicare! Maintain military spending at current levels! It's just so fucking great! Simply thinking about those lower interest rate payments on the deficit gives me a raging boner!

But you want to know what really, really turns me on? (Lean in a bit closer...don't be afraid...) The people dying because they can't afford medical care.  Good lord, is there anything more modesty-inducing than not being able to pay for antibiotics? Perhaps we would even see a resurgence of polio (Nature's most modest-inducing childhood disorder). More polio would create so many more great men, such as the FDR. (Hang on a second, let me think about that one.)

Perhaps smallpox would be a better option--it seems to be less likely to create frothing-at-the-mouth liberalism. You know what, either way.  We'll have modesty breaking out across the nation like a the acne of an oily boy who just hit puberty. And this is why I support Ryancare: Our nation will finally be returned to it's stolid, conformist-yet-independent, compassion-without-action, caring-without-lifting-a-fucking-finger (except for the one that's going to be stimulating me anally as I read about the plan for Medicare vouchers) modestly-immodest-telling-everyone-else-how-to-live-modestly nation.  The way the United States of America was meant to be.


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