Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Science: half of all suicides related to amateur-linux use.

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Character in greek myth thinks things are going fine

Hell yeah, I killed that minotaur, and its easy street from here on in. Smooth sailing, just ride the wind into the harbor boyo, no need to worry about a thing...where's that post-beast slaughtering wine we were saving, eh?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Jesus & Muhammed Announce Plans To Gay Wed in Iowa Synagogue.

In news that rocked the religious institutions and their adherents world-wide, The Christ Almighty, Savior of Heaven and Earth, and Muhammed, The Prophet Who Spoke To The Angel Gabriel, got the hell gay-married out of them. The wedding was officiated by Moses, He Who Led The Chosen People Out Of Bondage, and was attended by many noted individuals in the spirit community, although in spirit everyone was there.
In comments to reporters, The Annointed One stated that he was very happy that he and his long-time companion could now legally live together and raise a family "somewhere in the Pacific Northwest." He added that he was extremely relieved "that now he will be covered by my health care plan." Protesters worldwide began gnashing their traditional wailing, gnashing of the teeth, pulling of the hair, and renting of the garments. Protesters attempting to converge upon the event, many holding pictures of aborted fetuses, were turned to pillars of salt which slowly but surely blew away in a strong Spring breeze, a harsh reminder of the transitory nature of human existence. Miraculously, no innocent bystanders were injured, although several protesters failed to escape when they looked back. When queried, "What about descriptions of homosexuality as an abomination in the eyes of God?", Muhammed responded, "Well, let's just say you can't believe everything you read. I mean, sometimes, you're angry at someone," he said, coquettishly glancing and laughing at Our Lord & Savior. "I mean, sometimes you just say nasty things and lash out because you're angry, you're angry at yourself, you're angry because society won't let you be who you really are and you're too afraid to admit it, even to yourself." Added Jesus, "But now with this recent court decision, we can be who we really are--two men deeply and love and ready to have kids, the house with the picket fence, the whole kit'n'kaboodle."

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Horror Of The Penis by Lez Luv

Now many of you gents may be wondering why, exactly, do lesbians get PhD's in order to teach about male sexuality? After all, you don't see to many gay fellows ranting about how much they hate vaginas. It's actually quite simple:

Every time a woman has sex with a man, it's rape. Every time a man thinks about having sex with a woman, it's rape. And most likely, every time a man touches his hideous, disgusting throbbing gristle, he's probably just raped himself. So, you see, it's really up to those women who are willing to wear pants, smoke cigars, and ram our tongues up each others' snackboxes (in other words, those of us who have thrown off the shackles of the patriarchal oppressors) who are able to to truly understand men, male sexuality, and their sick, sordid disgusting fantasies which involve their repulsive membranes. For who can understand just how repulsive men are, more than a woman who utterly despises them? I think the answer is obvious.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Hideous Jessica Biel Transformed.

Thanks to modern medicine, Jessica Biel has been able to undergo a nose job and have her disgusting lips filled with lovely, human-corpse-collagen. This has transformed her into someone sufficiently attractive to be filmed groping Nicholas Cage.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

ScienceNews: Artificial Intelligence Created With Gene Splicing.

Scientists at UCLA reported recently that after years of trial and error, they successfully created an intelligent computer using genetic techniques. By combining the DNA of two individuals in the laboratory--Dr. John Stevens and his Chinese graduate assistant, Ma Ching, were able to create a carbon-based computer capable of simulating human intelligence. The computer, referred to as "Timmy" has a central processing unit capable of mimicking human reasoning, auto-locomotion and other high-level processes. Furthermore, it appears that "Timmy" also contains algorithms that can replicate human emotional reactions such as love, anger, fear, jealousy, and curiosity.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Gunz2Luv: He Deserves Every Cent!

Wayne LaPierre deserves every cent he makes (about 1 trillion of them)! Every year is he out there, protecting the 2nd Amendment rights of American heroes such Chai Vang, who defended his FREEDOM in Wisonsin in 2005; it is precisely the racist Dumbocrats that want to take away the ability of ethnic freedom fighters such as Mr. Vang. Without an assault rifle, we can only shudder at how easily the right of minority ethnic groups could be impinged upon.

Guest Columnist Gunz2Luv: Socialism is attempting to destroy us and take our guns.

Socialism is attempting to destroy us and take our guns.
Obama's attempts to perpetuate the economic downturn of our economy is the first step in implementing a Muslim agenda! By taking over our banks and eliminating interest rates, they hope to create a Muslim banking system. This will shortly be followed by revoking the 2nd Amendment and disarming all Christians in the nation.

Local teacher attains succes by succumbing to mediocrity.

Local high school teacher Margo Samson came home and reported to her husband, Richard, that "I've finally succumbed to complete mediocrity and mental oblivion." In spite of years of trying to teach remedial reading to apathetic, lazy students who only read text ciphers sent via their cellphones, Ms. Samson received a below-average performance evaluation from the principal of her school, who scolded her for "failing to implement collaborative learning techniques." The principal directed her to the state education department website, which demonstrated how to implement collaborative learning in groups of students using a Kleenex, some wads of cotton and used gum found under a desk. Said Ms. Samson, "Fuck it--I'll just have the lazy bastards circle jerk with their cellphones all day till I get my MBA."