Monday, October 12, 2009

Paranormal Activity: Most Terrifying Movie Ever!

That's right, it breaks into your house, lurks in the basement, and fucks you in the ass! It's *that* scary!

SAW VII Exclusive Preview!

Voice (offscreen, menacing): DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME?
Victim: Not, um, really, I had a dental appointment, and it's been
over a year now...
Voice: A GAME?
Victim: Well, the dentist--you know, what the hell, I'm late, I'll
have to reschedule, it's going to be another month to get my teeth
cleaned, and frankly my breath is starting to stink like an otter's--
but okay, since I'm locked in chains, why the fuck not?
Voice: GAME?
Victim: *sigh*
Voice (we now see the puppet): Mr. Smith, you have committed grievous
sins against your family--your wife hates your snoring, your kids
think you're a twat, and your dog ran away, probably because of your
halitosis. As punishment for these crimes against humanity, and
because I seem to have nothing better to do, you have 30 seconds to
escape by cutting off your own head and finding the key I hid in your
gall bladder--
Victim: That makes no sense at all.
Jigsaw (yes, he's back of course): Quiet! Listen carefully! You must
reach up into your rectum, find the key, crawl through the barbed
wire, cross the mine field, jump across the hot lava, or...
Victim: Or what?
Jigsaw: You will be forced to sit through all of the SAW movies--
Jigsaw: Not finished.
Victim: Sorry.
Jigsaw: All of the Halloween sequels--
Victim: NOOOOOOOO! NOT HALLOWEEN III ! Please, it makes no sense, no
sense whatsoever, aggggghhhhhhh
Jigsaw: Oh yes, Halloween III will be there, make no mistake, it will
be there...And then all of the Freddy Krueger and Jason movies!
Jigsaw: And then have some Mexicans come in to clean up the mess.
{With that, the victim reaches for a chainsaw which is just within
his grasp, cuts off one arm, one leg, frees himself, slips on a banana
peel and dies.}

Free-Thinking Political Independent Actually A Fucking Moron.

Car Bomb Liberates 41 Souls.

Today on Taliban TV: Breakfast with Mullah Omar.


Republicans Denounce Nobel Penis Prize.

Conservatives across the nation were horrified that Da Prez was awarded the Nobel's most coveted award, the Penis Prize. Said GOP Chairman Michael Steele: "We have plenty of very large penises deserving of recognition. Look at Bush Penis--come on, take a gander, look at it! Doesn't it deserve some recognition? Think of all of the things it accomplished! And there's Limbaugh's flaccid member. Sure it's surrounded by a grotesque corpulent mass, but that does not lessen its glory--even I am beholden to it. So please, let's hope that this committee which is not funded or controlled by the U.S. in any way will come back to its senses and do what we want it to do: Recognize our magnificent, war-mongering, birth-control-hating, xenophobic Republican penises. They deserve it."