Monday, May 25, 2015

rand paul, paul ryan announce new housing plan for homeless veterans

Above: Artist's rendering of the
Ryan-Rand Open Casket Act 
rand paul, paul ryan announce new housing plan for homeless veterans -dead rodent typing

Senator Rand Paul and Representative Paul Ryan have announced a their sponsorship of a bill that would provide additional housing for homeless veterans. Informally known as the "Open Casket Act", the bill would provide a shelter for every veteran for every veteran to live in, or at the very least sleep in, till she or he is dead.

Above: Congressmen Rand Paul,
Paul Ryan, and some other douche.
Said Paul Ryan, "It's the best of compassionate conservatism: Fiscally sound, use of highly efficient private sector contractors, and best of all we keep the coffin--er, home--and save it for the next war. If the families really love their veterans, they will understand that plastic wrap or an old bed-sheet is just as good. They all rot eventually. Did I mention that I have negative 5% ibody fat and that I've won the Mount Everest Marathon three times? Yes, I am amazing, golly gosh jiminy whillikers!"

Senator Paul chimed in: "It's true, I was there and saw all three wins. Pinned the medal on him myself right at the top of Kilimanjaro."

"Everest!", hissed Mr. Ryan.

Above: Site of Mt. Everest Marathon which
Rep. Ryan has won thrice-fold.
"Right, that one that he said," added the esteemed senator, who then searched the skies overhead, in fear of what he termed an 'Obamastrike'. "Our deaths will come from the sky!", he then proclaimed, gesticulating wildly. "Bring prosperity back to America! Reinstate the Gold Standard Act of 1834 and we shall reinstate the prosperity of 1835!" Men in crisp white linen uniforms then leapt upon the stage , their slacks blazing like the sun of a thousand bright summer dawns over Southampton, each dawn reflected in the green ripples a million times, so it was sort of like a thousand million dawns, although this writer has vastly exaggerated the brightness for rhetorical effect.

As Mr. Paul and Mr. Ryan were chased away by the men in white, they were followed by a large horde of women dressed only in brassieres and knickers (as they say in London, yes I was in London once about 1925, a cold, gray place of ash and soot, with natives who spoke my tongue, and yet it was not, and the occasional glint of the sun upon the river was cause for celebration but oh I do digress). In the distance, I was certain that that I heard the harsh tones of a saxophone playing a novelty tune, perhaps from a nearby lawn party, or perhaps it was a ghost, lost between here and the afterworld, looking for one of the long-gone rituals of laughter and chatter and bootleg there by sea, where Mr. Gatsby found himself going in reverse, receding into the past, because the clutch was broken and the car was stuck in 'R'. And that, my friends, that is America. A fancy car with a broken clutch.

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Thursday, May 21, 2015

my forsaken fourth amendment anal rights by rand paul

Highllights from the Great Rand Paul Filibuster of 2016, heretofore known to historians as 'Paulobuster16':

[Hour 27:32] The Constitution, that great document which described black men as 3/5 of a white man and women as not even human has ruled our nation since the dawn of time, before Eve led Adam to sin and that's how the Civil War started I'm pretty sure.

Anyhoo, the Constitution--document, not the ship--tells us that we have a right to privacy. But accordingly, we have the right to give up that privacy. Example: 

I came across an attractive ICE agent at O'Hare but she refused to search me. What a tease. Even suggested that I might have illicit narcotics up my rectum and that she had a better reach deep, but she just waved me through. I again insisted that I needed to be searched for potential contraband, and that I could not be above the law simply due to my position as a senator of the United States of America. Again, she refused. Instead, I was led to a small room with cheap furniture and two men in uniforms insisted on checking my passport with the State Department. After a brief phone call, they apologized for the misunderstanding and even carried my baggage to my connecting flight. I have not seen the ICE agent since. What sort of nation are we living in, President Obama? 

#thanksobama #randpaul #filibuster #fourthamendment  #callme

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

texas: america's biggest shithole for sale

Texas' iconic Waggoner Ranch for sale for $725 million - San Antonio Express-News

#texas #waggonerranch #realshitole #realestate

Bernie Sanders Rejects Negative Campaigning, Says He Would Bang Hillary Clinton 'Eight Ways From Sunday'

Bernie Sanders Rejects Negative Campaigning, Says He Would Make Sweet Yet Passionate Love To Hillary From Every Conceivable Position

Senator and self-declared Democratic 2016 hopeful Bernie Sanders announced that he is rejecting "negative campaigning". Instead, he asked for "positive champagne-ing", and invited rival and front-runner Hillary Clinton to meet him at his suite in the Burlington, Vermont Motel Six to discuss "the issues." He added that Hillary could expect an unopened bottle of Korbel Brut champagne valued at $9.99, a 'pretty good' imitation caviar with Ritz crackers, and that "I have always maintained that I have been willing to bang Hillary eight ways from Sunday from pretty much every conceivable position, and I see no need to alter that stance now--austerity be damned!"

Saturday, May 16, 2015

jeb bush explains position on iraq war to mouthy college student

"Let me explain: I'm a stupid smirking cunt just like my brother, former President Smirking Cunt. My daddy was president, my brother was president, and now it's my turn to be President Smirking Cunt, living in my insular bubble of wealth which allows me to surround myself with sycophants, leeches, remoras, the unconscionably, ruthlessly ambitious, and other parasites so repulsive that they nearly wipe the smirk off of my face. Thanks for voting for me, little girl, future President Smirking Cunt. A smirking cunt is what American needs right now. I deserve it."
(1) Shaun Gates - "Let me explain: I'm a stupid smirking cunt just...

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

foreign people news: cameron promises 'kinder, gently buttfucking', 'end to that fucking dragon in the park'

david cameron promises 'brighter, aspirational future with kinder, gentler, buttfucking'

-news from those across the sea

In news from those strange foreign people in their strange foreign land, it is reported that their leader, known as "Cameron", aka "Dave", has promised his people (assuming they exist), "a newer, brighter, aspiration future with a kindler, gentler, buttfucking." The buttfucking of the populace, he declared, "Will not be the harsh buttfucking of austerity, want, and privation, but rather well-lubricated buttfucking with a gentle, sensitive reach-around which might even yield pleasing results for all parties involved. Also, I promise to finally get rid of that fucking dragon living in Hyde Park. We all know he's been costing the NHS millions to have his scales cleaned and we are reasonably certain that he just flew here from Serbia without a visa." something. " The man known as Cameron then went outside to seek a citizen willing to engage with his administration in a mutual effort to implement the kinder-gentler-buttfuck proposal. At last report, no such person had been found.


Monday, May 11, 2015

zimmerman stands ground in moving car, defends freeway freedom

Yes, that Zimmerman.
immerman stands ground in moving car, defends freeway freedom
--johnathan liberty constitutionalist seagull In what is being falsely reported by the mainstream media as a road rage incident, George Zimmerman once again is being slandered as an unstable weirdo with a gun, when in fact he simply was defending The Constitution Of These Here Them United States. But don't believe me: Believe what the unstable weirdo with the gun said at his press conference: "The other driver was sipping on apple juice. At that point, I realized that my survival was threatened, and with it, the survival of the Sovereign State of Florida, the United States of America (except Baltimore), democracy, and quite possibly human civilization itself. I reached for my .44 (most powerful handgun in the movies) and with one swift motion, blew my dick off. Though this had no actual effect on anything except my junk, the other driver was clearly petrified and drove off. Was it the look of grim determination on my face? That he could see that I was an undeterred patriot standing my ground, Second Amendment-style? That huge sprays of blood were spattering the interior side of the windows, pasted with bits of my summer sausage and looking like the worst marinara sauce ever as I screamed in agony? We'll never know, but of this we can be sure: Democracy is safe. But for how long. How. Long?"


operation jade helm: goodbye, texas freedom

Look at what your President Santana has wrought, heretics! obamaissatan ormaybeobamaissantana christiansformichellebachmanc jadehelm



Saturday, May 9, 2015

looks as though clan lannister will be holding a conference...

looks as though clan lannister will be holding a kill off the competition one-by-one, throats slit as they silently sleep and dream of american flags and tax cuts for billionaires and such, red arterial sprays everywhere of course. quite a clean-up job.

the draft: back when every american (give or take) had to care

brain: terrible to waste yet wonderful to baste

Ben Carson Won't Stop Comparing President Obama To A Psychopath

(pictured: Ben Carson raising the roof at "Ben Carson Plays The Songs Of Kraftwerk", his e-music festival in California's scenic Coachella Valley, known world-wide as 'that place with all those brown rocks where I got really blitzed'.)

Ben Carson, world-renowned brain surgeon, regaled a conservative audience (people with more money than they need but nowhere as much as they would like, which is all of it) an anecdote of the time the voices in his head told him to abandon medicine and run for president of the United States. "It was a strange coincidence, right after I'd been diagnosed with a neoblastomic cancer infesting my brain like a million tiny worms devouring my capacity for rational thought, and then wouldn't you know, I heard the voice of Boston Red Sox first base man Carl Yastrzemski. But he wasn't in the room! That was when I realized I must be having a profound spiritual experience. And the voice said:

Listen to me, Carl Yastrzemski: This is not a window shutting on your junk, it's a door opening for your junk. And the rest of you. Reagan was the greatest president of all time, and he had Alzheimer's. Soon you won't even have a cortex, so think how great you will be. You will save the nation, wrestle with the Anti-Christ, and bring the Endtimes. Everyone will be pretty happy about the destruction of all life. Do it, do it, do it, come on, don't wuss out, run Ben run! But when you become president, your first action must be to build the greatest pyramid the world has ever seen. It will be known as the 'Carl Yastrzemski Pyramid' and my body will be laid in repose within it, that I may rule over the Underworld forever and ever.
"And that is why," concluded Dr. Carson, "I am running for president of the United States. Let us all worship Carl Yastrzemski, Lord of the Underworld!"

Carl Yastrzemski could not be reached for comment.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

branding russell brand

above: completely ir-
relevant photo of
80's actress Rachel Ward.
So at least you have a
picture to look at. There
was at least one thing
interesting on this blog.
Tell your friends
on branding russell brand 

The burning question: Is Russell Brand actually 'funny'. (And of course by 'funny', we are denoting the intentional stimulation (giggity) of a humours response. In other words, is Brand actually comedic, witty, capable of knocking out a a clever quip at nearly any given moment, the sort of gift that makes all women swoon and all men want to bash him with a cricket bat?) Obviously the answer is a resounding yay -- even if we judge this quality sheerly by the number of women he has fucked.

Of course, he has to has something going for him, or no one would pay attention to anything he said. Not that that makes him a good person. (Yes, I checked this fact with my fact-checker, Captain Obvious, and he said that I was completely, utterly correct, so don't even fucking think about contradicting me. Or even leaving a comment on my blog. Or even reading my blog. No one does.) Plenty of evil people can crack a joke. Historians have long known that Hitler started out as a juggler in the bierpalast of Vienna in order to support his art school education; Josef Stalin was a knife-thrower in a circus before becoming a crusader for the revolution; and even Mao did some stand up comedy in his early days. But don't take my word for it (no one does): Simply watch american tv any Sunday morning and watch them insult their audience as "sinners" -- then pirouette on a dime, and out comes the begging bowl. Pretty good racket if you can pull it off. And with the megachurch, the audience comes to you. Really saves a lot of fuss and bother at the airport. The point is, I've always had a perverse fascination with loathsome, manipulative creeps who can treat women like shit and they keep coming back for more. Or maybe it's a perverse envy. Had a 10 cassette lecture series, Unleash Your Inner Creep, but lost it back in '88. Still looking.- dead rodent typing


and give us this day our daily krugman - "the austerity delusion - the guardian"

The austerity delusion | Paul Krugman | Business | The Guardian


Wednesday, May 6, 2015

being single is good when you're young, attractive, and successful, says young attractive successful woman

being single is good when you're young, attractive, and successful, says young attractive successful woman

In news that has rocked the entire globe, being single is not so bad when you're young, highly attractive, and successful. Authoressa Kate Bollucks unleashed this shocker on a planet woefully unprepared for her shitstorm of a manifesto on singlehood, titled, Content: Womens' Interest/Lifestyles, $19.99.  None were available for comment, most likely do to her book blurb completely fucking with the heads of pretty much everyone on the planet.

An expert from Miskatonic U. refused to speak directly, but did state in a cryptic email: Fuck me, it is as though my brain has been raped! The time of the Old Ones is finally upon us. I dare not look into the mouth of madness!

 related news: reports of mass suicide at Miskatonic University.


dead man arrested after 150 years on the lam in florida cemetery

A dead convict was imprisoned by authorities after a century-and-a-half-long search. The man, Knob Bucktooth of Missouri, wanted for a probation violation due to a fatal hit-and-run of a pedestrian in the township of Notashithole, Missouri,

According to court records, Mr. Bucktooth had illegally supplied his donkey, 'Ivan the Terrible', with illicit and unlicensed whiskey from a local bootlegger. Ivan then lived up to his name by plowing through a crowd at top donkey speed, and crushed an elderly grandmother of 12. Who might have already dead, but as she was the town's only regular prostitute who worked on Sundays, the loss was keenly felt. As local prosecutor, Charles Edward Windsor-Sinclair stated at the trial, "The fall taken, shall it be, and not by me." Mr. Bucktooth was sentenced to 50 years of probation or death

It was not before long, however, that Mr. Bucktooth was once again riding a drunken donkey. He was rei-arrested and about to be sentenced when he convinced the jailer that no one really cared. This dangerous criminal then disappeared forever, or so it was thought, when his grave marker was discovered in northern Florida by people with nothing better to do. 
His bones were disinterred and have been transferred to a federal prison awaiting trial, where he will likely be sentenced to several lifetimes in a federal penitentiary at the paltry cost of $50,000 per annum. Stated an officer involved with the case: "This should be a warning to all the dead criminals out there. We will hunt you down. We will find your body. And we will refuse to ask ourselves why we are doing this."


Saturday, May 2, 2015

Friday, May 1, 2015

larry david, senior, explains risks of large banks in spite of audience member who took stole his parking spot - NYT

NYT: larry david, senior, explains risks of large banks in spite of audience member who took stole his parking spot

During a Q & A session, Larry David, Sr., father of noted comic/actor/writer/producer Larry David, Jr., attempted to explain the risks still  present in the post-Dodd-Frank financial system. Mr. David explained that this was due to such factors as fragmentation of the bureaucratic apparatus and consequent lack of regulatory oversight, as well as insufficient capital reserve requirements  This explanation came forth in spite of the fact that this particular questioner had stolen Mr. David's parking spot by taking up two spaces rather than the socially acceptable single space, thereby causing Mr. David to express a great deal of amusing vexation (later expressed by stealing the last parking space at a nearby eatery from the very same questioner).


Ideology and Integrity -

Ideology and Integrity -

....The point is that we’re not just talking about being wrong on specific policy questions. We’re talking about never admitting error, and never revising one’s views. Never being able to say that you were wrong is a serious character flaw even if the consequences of that refusal to admit error fall only on a few people. But moral cowardice should be outright disqualifying in anyone seeking high office.
Think about it. Suppose, as is all too possible, that the next president ends up confronting some kind of crisis — economic, environmental, foreign — undreamed of in his or her current political philosophy. We really, really don’t want the job of responding to that crisis dictated by someone who still can’t bring himself to admit that invading Iraq was a disaster but health reform wasn’t.
I still think this election should turn almost entirely on the issues. But if we must talk about character, let’s talk about what matters, namely intellectual integrity.

Ex-Goldman goat, scaped -

man who might or might not have done something apparently guilty of something, real criminals still free and pissing on your nation and the planet -