Tuesday, June 30, 2015

here are some words; you are welcome

Yes, those words were just for you! Now thing how much better those words would taste with a layer of crack on top! CrackTop! Now on sale! The new miracle product that makes anything better, including your terrible, terrible cooking. Don't you feel ashamed of yourself? Don't you realize your family hates you? Win back their love--with CrackTop! And don't forget to save some for Mom! 

#crack #nowonsale #not_available_in_stores!

Friday, June 26, 2015

justice kennedy: rich people can be gay too

Above: Supreme Court Justice  Kennedy
nostalgically reminisces about
'experimental' sessions with fellow
drunken Harvard frats .
In a moving affirmation of civil rights and in support of marriage equality regardless of race, creed or preference, Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote:

What I have noticed is that that there are quite a lot of rich people with money; yes, even gay ones. Yep. And you know, when it comes to humans, the rich ones just seem so much more, well, human, if you take my drift.  
And hey we've all been there experimenting in our youth with what a few pals, some men among their fellow virile men, could achieve with an index finger, kitchen gloves and a jar of Vaseline. 

So, sure, affirm that, because I have been deeply touched by the suffering of people of wealth and power. Sadly this ruling might apply to the unwashed masses as well, but hopefully they will soon be systematically exterminated and replaced by obedient cyborg machines who don't cause all this fuss and bother. Now everybody pat me on the back while I help steal away your right to vote, organize a union, protest in public, and eliminate all pretense of a democracy. The time of the oligarchy has come. (Sorry, just thinking out loud there.)

your pal, anthony kennedy

Monday, June 15, 2015

game of thrones finale: what a twist!

Nope, did not see that one coming.

#gameofthrones
#gameofnope
#grumpycat
#whatatwist

Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak - The Onion - America's Finest News Source



  •  It was a simpler time...it was a better time...because I'm viewing it through booze and dementia. I recall vividly the time I met Jesus of Nazareth (aka God Boy) and I slept with his wife, Mary Magdalene, because we were all on acid and thought we were polygynous velociraptors.
    Like · Reply · Just now

Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak - The Onion - America's Finest News Source



  •  It was a simpler time...it was a better time...because I'm viewing it through booze and dementia. I recall vividly the time I met Jesus of Nazareth (aka God Boy) and I slept with his wife, Mary Magdalene, because we were all on acid and thought we were polygynous velociraptors.
    Like · Reply · Just now

fans of 'game of thrones' lost their shit again

Fans of the on-going  life-was-a-nightmare-way-back-when-but-what-if-there'd-been-dragons series "Game of Thrones" lost their collective  shit once again after last night's episode. The president has not scheduled a press conference to discuss the topic. However, a statement from the White House advised television viewers 'not to lose their shit over a TV show because it's fiction and shit like that, like it's not even real and stuff.' Retorted Hopeless Fanboys of America CEO Dan Facsimily, "It's real because it feels real! Thanks Obama! Where were you when the script was being written? Where is the writers' room? Kenya?"

#gameofthrones #obama #losttheirshitagain
#kenyan #nobirthcertificate #truthers #thanksobama! 
 

actress fucking someone else now, reports say

Above: Actress who is reportedly fucking someone
she  had not previously fucked. 
Actress is currently fucking someone else now, according to reports. Moreover, this is someone she had not previously fucked, said observers.  

"This is definitely someone she had not fucked previously," stated Dr. Prurient T. Logicus, Ph.D., Dean of Human Studies and who also teaches a 3 unit introductory course for freshmen on Thursday evenings from 7pm to 9:30 (not including breaks) at Apeland Community College. "The fact that this is a new person to fuck is in itself is noteworthy," he stated, in a tone which made it clear that this was completely obvious to any who was not a complete moron.   "Furthermore," he said, "It also raises a number of fascinating questions. For example:
  • Will she continue to fuck this person?
  • Whom will she fuck next? 
  • Will she continue to fuck only this person, or fuck alternate people on different days, say an odd-even numbered day sort of thing?
  •  Conceivably--as unlikely as it may seem--she could even stop fucking altogether! The implications of which are staggering."
Dr. Logicus then concluded, "These are all possible outcomes. However, in the case of any given individual, accurate predictions are nearly impossible to make. Therefore we must rely upon empirical observation to see who or when or what this actress will fuck in the future."  

Dr. Isaac D. Glopnik, Dean of Religious Studies at Apeland Community College, countered, saying, "It's irrelevant whom she fucks. She's going to hell either way, like all humans, where they will slave away for eternity at the bidding of Dark Ape. Shoveling his dark poo and such. Unless they're lucky enough be to reborn as an ape but, haha, as if that could happen to a human."


#kristenstewart #celebrity #fuck #fucking #fuck
#apeland_community_college
#prurienttlogicus

#isaacdglopnik


Sunday, June 14, 2015

from paul krugman: strange bush

Above: Artist's rendering of  former president and
brother of Jeb Shrub, sans human skin costume.
don't know much about history, jeb bush edition - From The Conscience of a Liberal - NYTimes.com 


Too much strange not to share this:
The erstwhile front-runner tries to get things in order:
"By hiring Mr. Diaz, Mr. Bush wanted to send a clear signal that “the culture of the Bush operation will now be a Pickett’s Charge engagement campaign with his main opponents,” according to one Bush ally."
Hmm. Pickett’s Charge is not exactly something you want to emulate …
I find myself thinking about an incident from a while back, where Jeb invoked the spirit of a “mystic warrior':
After more than an hour of solemn ceremony naming Rep. Marco Rubio, R-West Miami, as the 2007-08 House speaker, Gov. Jeb Bush stepped to the podium in the House chamber last week and told a short story about “unleashing Chang,” his “mystical warrior” friend.
Here are Bush’s words, spoken before hundreds of lawmakers and politicians: ”Chang is a mystical warrior. Chang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in entrepreneurial capitalism, believes in moral values that underpin a free society.
”I rely on Chang with great regularity in my public life. He has been by my side and sometimes I let him down. But Chang, this mystical warrior, has never let me down.”
[italics & bold mine - drt] How was he to know that “unleashing Chiang” was about landing Kuomintang troops on the mainland, where they would have been slaughtered? (Maybe that Pickett comparison isn’t so off after all.)


One hella' strange Shrub.

#shrubya, jeb_son_of_shrubya, #jebbush, #herewegoagain 

fuck you, jon stewart, sweet and slowly, one more time, one last time


fuck you, jon stewart, sweet and slowly, one more time, one last time 
by dead rodent typingGood riddance to Jon Stewart. And congratulations. He's made it, and had a long career, and that deserves respect.

Politically, however, he has become completely worthless--a liability, even. Perhaps it's the inevitable result of age and wealth. You can have one or the other, but when you have both, you forget how most people live, your judgement is constantly battered to by the fact that at some level, you're basically hustling deodorant and tampons, you start to hob-knob with fascists, and you begin to realize that hey, Nazis are people too! They have emotions and feelings and they certainly are better-dressed and go to five-star restaurants.

Before long, you're talking about the need to appreciate the humanity and sincerity of our home-grown fascists even as they send Our Troops to become maimed and killed overseas, and then you're boiling over when the New York Times paints an unflattering picture of Marco Rubio's finances. Which is fucking asinine and I'm going to tell you why: Because the party that has been attacking 'welfare queens', students, the poor, the middle-class, and destroyed the economy in 2008 with 30 years of Reaganomics still wants to paint itself as so fucking fiscally responsible that if Obama's presidency should have bankrupted the country a billion times over and yet they can't balance their own fucking checkbooks even as they're paid huge sums for a book deal or getting houses with no down payment and you want to defend that?

THERE ARE PEOPLE ROTTING IN HELLISH PRISONS FOR CRIMES THEY NEVER COMMITTED, YOU FUCKING BORDERLINE SENILE ASSHOLE WITH YOUR FUCKING STUPID, IDIOTIC MYTH OF SOME BIPARTISAN PARADISE THAT NEVER EXISTED.  

So, to reiterate, Jon Stewart: Good riddance and go fuck yourself. Will be plenty of time for that in the barn on your so-called ranch. Please, no pictures of you clearing brush with a chainsaw.

dead rodent typing

department of white_woman_took_mah_job

This is what happens when there's no terrorist attack during the week--some poor schlep gets their entire life dragged through the coals of the 24/7 media circus. No doubt there's a mob of "journalists" surrounding her house, photographing her every move and shouting inane questions, with death threats coming from every angle. Her real mistake was not being satisfied with being a secretary but instead trying. The lesson is clear: NEVER TRY TO HELP ANYONE.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

skeptical john stossel: a fish can't have feelings, i'm john stossel and i don't have any feelings

Fox News’ John Stossel claims documentary ‘Blackfish’ faked crying whale scene


Fox News resident skeptic and questioner-of-all-observable-phenomena-which-everyone-with-a-brainstem-can-see leapt into the capitve marine mammal pond. Said Mr. Stossel: "A fish can't have feelings, i'm john stossel and i don't have any feelings." He then caught a human infant between his teeth and ran off on all fours, presumably it being his dinner time. 

(Pictured above-left: John Stossel attempting to comprehend this thing whales call "love".) 


#FOX,#JOHNSTOSSEL,#KILLERWHALE,#CAPTIVITY,#FOX,#BLACKFISH

Black or White? Woman’s Story Stirs Up a Furor - NYTimes.com

Above: Artist's rendering of alleged white-and-or-black
woman.
Black or White? Woman’s Story Stirs Up a Furor - NYTimes.com

"You, sir, are worse than Hitler (the simpsons)." Is this what social media is for, freak of the week/scapegoat of the week? Of course it is. Well, okay then: She's the worst person in the world till we forget she ever existed. I'd give it till Monday. (Sorry, if you want the limelight to last, you have to drown your kid AND get Nancy Grace on the case. Or some equally sleazy reporter also clamoring for his spot on the stage.) We should probably burn her at the stake at the very least and see if we can extract some magic out of her.


But there's the proverbial silver lining: Every week we collectively demand a scapegoat to either love or hate (depending on the politics of aforesaid scapegoat). Hatred of someone we don't know, of someone's life we have not lived, is a great way to reaffirm one's identity and justify our innate ethnocentric tendencies--all without actually accomplishing anything or assisting anyone or doing any bit of good whatsoever. It's fantastic!

At any rate, it's good to know that for some people, no matter how successful they are in life or what virtues they possess, they will have parents who will try to royally fuck them in the ass via the press.



#freakoftheweek
#racheldolezal
#scapgoatoftheweek


Wednesday, June 10, 2015

lindsey graham and his "rotating first lady"

 I'm sure that "rotating first lady" is some kind of strange, massive sex toy that can only be delivered straight from Serbia by a strange, hooded figure who only arrives by night.

Friday, June 5, 2015

long long ago, in a sitcom far, far away....(proving once again, that honesty is the worst policy)

Long long ago, in a sitcom far far away....

Nothing gets you into hot water like honesty, which is why it's like he's still playing George Costanza. (seinfelds within seinfelds within seinfelds...) Guess he didn't count on Heidi Swedberg exercising her Swede privilege.

#seinfeld, #georgecostanza #susanross

pedo duggar: the council of the wise have spoken, sort of

Above: The Council Of The Wise  meet in Rivendell
 At a recent meeting of The Council Of The Wise in Rivendell, Sara and Bristol Palin appeared to declare that, "Pedo Duggar is being unfairly maligned as a pedo by the liberal media!"

Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell,  son of EƤrendil and Elwing, interrupted them to dramatically shout, "What does this have to do with the one ring exactly? Of whom do you feeble-minded fools represent?"  He then adjourned the proceedings at this point indefinitely. At last report, no further discussions of the One Ring have been scheduled. 


Above: Elrond, Lord of  Rivendell