Monday, May 31, 2010

White House Tries to Regroup as Criticism Mounts Over Leak -

White House Tries to Regroup as Criticism Mounts Over Leak -

The government can't do anything! The government can't do anything!

(Insert catastrophic-impossible-to-stop-natural-calamity.)

Why doesn't the government do something??

Avatar (the movie)

Surely this is a joke--on the audience.

Ya been had! Ya been hoodwinked! Ya been bamboozled! Ya haven't seen a Spike Lee movie since Macolom X! And why the hell was there so much dancing in that movie? What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Ain't no one paying 10 bucks to watch a movie about  Malcolm X dancing!

And, um,, down with the man or what have you.  Wat wrong wit yoo Mr. Cameron? You be fucked in the head.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

My Dictionary: What is "Education Reform"? Or: Sink To The Bottom

The Teachers’ Unions’ Last Stand -

This article tells us exactly what education reform is all about, and has always been about: Breaking up the last remnants of organized labor in the United States (it's our country or whatnot)--ensuring that teachers will have to be kissing the respective asses of every parent, every administrator for every day of every week of every year of their career.

And as teaching becomes ever more unpleasant, unrewarding and insecure with ever lower and lower benefits and pay, 'reform' ensures that the 'profession' of teaching becomes more and more like that of the typical low-wage American worker--no benefits, no retirement, no medical coverage, no job security--but you will be secure in the knowledge that you are just a back-injury away from a lifetime of poverty and worse.

If this doesn't attract better people to the teaching profession, what will?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

South Fights For Its Unborn Diabetics

In Ultrasound, Abortion Fight Has New Front -

Using ultrasound and guilt and shame, three southern states are fighting for the right of unborn future fatties to be born and fulfill their potential as gigantic fat American fatasses.  "Can you imagine a world where people live within a healthy body fat?" asked Johann Whyte of Louisana.  "That's exactly what those politicians in Washington want."

Uninsured Americans Flocking To Afghanistan For Free Medical Care

When Afghans Seek Medical Aid, Tough Choice for U.S. -

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

At Last, I Have The Answer: Hippies Did It

by special guest columnist David Brooks
I know what you're all thinking, that this is just another one of my bizarrely detached-from-reality, well-paid-conservative-shill-ing of whatever the Republican Party is either for or against.  But it's not that simple.  Not at all.

Because hippies did it.

Now you may contend, gentle reader, that once again I am just a cheap political hack posing as some intellectual giant, and at least William F. Buckley possessed some genuine wit for fuck's sake, but the truth is ever so contrary.

Because hippies did it.

Dirty, Dionysian, dosed-to-the-eyeballs-on-acid, life-loving, let's-all-have-a-party-and-love-one-another-and-enjoy-life hippies.  (Hippies. Hippies hippies hippies.)

I even wrote a short poem about it:

Once upon a time,
there was an Eden in America (specifically, The Eisenhower Adminstration)
And then came the hippies to tear it all  down.
                                   dirty hippies trying to feel joy
They do not know America,
They do not know-
They do not know- 
You're Welcome.

In the year 1955, the U.S. had achieved Paradise.  Black people still could not drink from a white man's water fountain, everyone was terrified of the USSR, with the Cuban Missile Crisis just around the corner; Congress put on show trials of suspected communists on this new thing called television no less, and all one had to do to return to become a real American once more was to fall prostrate before Tailgunner Joe, confess, and name names.  No one dreamed of anything more than a two-car garage and a house in Levittown--well, perhaps a swimming pool.  But then--they came.

Forth came the hippies, and before you could say My Lai Massacre, the hippies had swarmed us like African bees.  But worse.  Because these people wanted to enjoy life, to live in the filth of  the earth and breed and rut like the animals they were, not die an agonizing death in filth in Vietnam while fighting our proxy war with Brezhnev.  Who would not want to die in Vietnam? (If you guessed "hippies", you were right.).  Elitist hippies who went to Harvard.

So just remember, the next time a so-called 'progressive' mentions the civil rights movement, Vietnam, Cheney's draft deferments, Bush's service in the National Guard, the Iraq and Afghanistan screw-ups, social injustice, poverty, and all of these other trivial "facts", just remember: Hippies.

Because hippies did it.

(Next week: How we ended terrorism by invading Iraq.)


"It is a very rare Mary Worth wherein she advises a friend to commit suicide."

 Will I ever get tired of that bit? Probably not.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Ninth Circuit Really Pushes That Cucumber Farther Up My Ass

by special guest columnist George F. Will

Greetings and perorations, America. I salute you once again.  But as usual, there is a cucumber up my ass.

(As my devotees are no doubt aware, every morning I arouse myself with a splash of ice-cold water that has been in my freezer for exactly 30 minutes--just long enough to get a tad slushy but not frozen solid--for one cannot splash one's face with a block of ice (I add that because most of my readers are not, shall we say, the sharpest blades in the drawer?) (though at least they can read, which is more than I can say for Limbaugh's mindless horde of brown-shirted thugs which seem to be one step away from mobbing our cities and scrawling the Star of David on shop windows).  Then I eat precisely 1.75 poached eggs with a intensely freedom-loving 6 ounces of very American orange juice (no Francophilic mectirc system in my house, thank you), after which my maid, Ismelda, shoves a fresh cucumber up my ass.  Oh, some may laugh, but let me tell you it does wonders for my posture.  It is also an excellent reminder to get up from the old word processor and stretch every now and then.  By the end of the day it has somehow been absorbed into by my digestive tract, so in answer to your question, no, Ismelda does not have to remove it.

More to the point, when the atheist liberal degeneracy that have been trying to take over America do something of which I disapprove, the cucumber is reflexively pushed farther up into my arse.  The resultant contractions and peristaltic waves of flexion and deflection of my inner smooth muscle tissues--which sometimes I confess are quite pleasant--are a potent reminder that I must clench the cheeks of my buttocks even harder until my disapproval has been expressed in a written form and published in some public fashion.  And so I stiffen in the fashion of a corpse in which rigor mortis has appeared, and proclaim my disapproval in a manner not seen since Queen Victoria snuffed it, typing and tattering and pecking away, and last...the cucumber is dissolved, and my buttocks de-clench sufficiently for me to make it back to the parking garage and I can drive home.  And that, my friends, is what I must do now.  I must register my exasperation with a legal system that is cumbersome and unwieldy and contradictory and fails to comply with the Old Testament (a great book by the way).  Why is it that so many legal minds refuse to acknowledge the obvious--that there is no contradiction between The Bill Of Rights, and The Bible?   America's greatest judge/sex-pest, Clarence Thomas, fails to see any.  I think this proves my point.  Any type of nuance in the law or attempts to adjust to circumstances--in particular, in education, because all children are exactly alike--is ludicrous.

Furthermore, my general registration of disapproval with its implicit disgust must include a cry of despair over the inhibition of freedom of freedom-loving parents who do not have the same choices as wealthy parents.  Even though I am in favor of taxing the fuck-all out of those parents because it's only fair to me, and paying taxes inhibits my freedom, still those nasty naughty liberal east-cost elitist judges on the Ninth Circuit (or west-coast, even worse) need a slap in the face for failing to uphold a precedent--which the current El Supremo would never do (unless it conflicts with the Bible).

And Clarence Thomas tells me he has the perfect tool with which to perform the aforementioned face-slapping.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Should Pirates Be Tried By A Jury Of Their Peers In Pirate Court--Or Just Regular Court?

Washington Post: Should Pirates Be Tried By A Jury Of Their Peers?

(Tomorrow: Should serial killers who kill other serial killers be tried by a jury of their serial-killers-who-only-kill-other-serial-killer-peers? Fictional character Dexter Morgan weighs in.)

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Worst Part Of The Crucifixion, by Special Guest Columnist Jesus Christ

People often ask me, what was the worst part of being crucified? The sun relentlessly beating down upon me, 
knowing that my life on Earth was soon to be at end, or was it struggling to retain my own faith in God? Well, I'll tell you, it was really the severe genital itching I was experiencing at the time.  And don't believe a word of what Mary Magdalene tells you.
Yours In Christ,

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sarah Palin To Give Folksy Speech About Some Crap

Palin started talking on about some folksy bullshit about the behavior of 'mama tapirs', although she would not give a dormouse's turd to prevent their extinction, and then proposed the formation of a movement to foment the beginning of conservative yet feminist identity: The Conservative Union of National Tapir Sisters (or CUNTS) to promote a "messin' around in other folks' business."

"She described her now-2-year-old son Trig as her family's 'greatest blessing.' She said he was 'God whispering in my ear, saying, 'Are you going to cash in on the family-values speaking engagements with this kid or what? He's a goddamn gold mine!' And then I became a veep nominee and I said, 'Well by the gums of Moses, I not only struck gold, I hit the dang-nabbit mother lode! I started doing a jig right then and there, and while my family played She's Comin Round The Mountain with their fiddle, harmonica, kazoo and whiskey jug. Todd was at the whore house as I's recollect.'"

Palin pushes abortion foes to form 'conservative, feminist identity':

GOP Plans To Deal With Severe Human Shortage

Selfish people who don't have children should be taxed at a higher rate--and if you were selfish enough to say, have your kid die of leukemia or your family wiped out in a car accident, well yes you probably should pay more in income taxes. You selfish cunt.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Needed: Regular Jane/Joe For Judgeship; Must Be Self-Starter And Willing To Work Overtime And Weekends; Great Benefits.

Elena Kagan is miles away from mainstream America

Can we please get a regular guy/gal to be on the Supreme Court? You know, someone who can chug a beer in one shot, shoot paper-clips with a rubber-band gun at Chief Justice Roberts, or take obscenity cases so he can force the women justices to watch CUMSHITTERS II? A *real* American, for chrissakes.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dead Rodent Typing Personals

Tthis might be a good time to mention I'm hot hula and massage certified from the Hong Kong University of Chiropractric Medicine.  Yeah, it's an intense interdisciplinary program.

Those Darn Elitists by David Brooks

About a decade ago, one began to notice a profusion of Organization Kids at elite college campuses. These were bright students who had been formed by the meritocratic system placed in front of them. They had great grades, perfect teacher recommendations, broad extracurricular interests, admirable self-confidence and winning personalities. They were, in short, the opposite of me. 

 But now one of these kids (actually she's around 50 so she probably wasn't a student a decade ago) is about to be released on us as Mr. Obama once again tries to unleash the Hounds Of Pragmatism And The Common Good--and may God help us all.

Amazing, the Ivy League causes turns people into unthinking, uncritical automatons. Thank goodness Bush II sprouted out of an irrigated Texas corn patch! It takes real courage to implement new jurisprudence measures, such as the first American Gulag, sanctioning the use of torture and secret prisons....Stalin would be pleased to see that he's catching on over here in the U.S. At least with thinking-out-of-the-box types who didn't attend Elitism University--you know, the *real* Americans

Monday, May 10, 2010

Did You Know Bad Stuff Happened In Iraq?

by super special awesome guest columnist David Brooks

It's true! Bad stuff happend there! I swear to god, it's really amazing. I mean, here it is, 2010, and all this bad stuff was happening, and oh my goodness, it was quite a mess! So my column today will tell you what went wrong. Why? Because the readers of the New York Times hibernate for years at a time, so they tend to be very uninformed.  Which is why I need to tell them this very important and philosophy-based information.

So pull up a chair, or sit on the floor if you wish, as wise old Uncle David Brooks (that's me!) tells you about how liberal elitism almost caused us to lose the war to free Iraq that no one living in Iraq really seemed to want.  It's really quite a fascinating tale, but since my elitist readers are a rather simple folk, let me tell it as though I'm talking to a load of primary school children.  You see the big bad liberal elitists made the Army do a lot of stupid things.  So there was this thing called the "in-sur-gen-cy" (say it again, fast this time, "insurgency").  And it was bad.  And a lot of people got hurt real bad.  But the liberal elitism of the Army would not allow people to fight the insurgency. Finally Soldier Petraeus turned up and fought the insurgency. Mostly by giving them a lot of money not to kill anyone.  It's kind of like if you gave candy to someone for a favor, right? Right.  So just imagine that these bad Iraqis were suddenly given lots and lots of candy, and then they became good Iraqis.  And now everyone was happy.

But why did so many people have to get hurt so bad?  Well, it was liberal elitism--the kind that folks learn in colleges and then get real uppity.  But not the decent real American kind of folks we see at the American Enterprise Institute.  No, the kind of snooty professors who think the government is always right and never want to change anything--folks like Angela Davis or Noam Chomsky.  If it wasn't for them, by gum, lots of people could have been saved.  In business schools, like the Harvard MBA program that Bush attended, it's all about learning to adjust to new situations. That's why Bush could save so many people during the Katrina storm, and that's why it only took him a failed election in 2006--four years after the invasion--to embrace the new counter-insurgency doctrine.

Well kids, Uncle David is going to take a rest now and dream about the job opportunities that will open up for him when George F. Will kicks it.  I swear that fucker is never going to die.

(Pictured Below: Examples of Liberal Elitists Who Brainwash Youth, Love Government, And Hate Change)

Sandra Bullock's Wrong, Wrong, Oh So Wrong Choice

By Super Special Guest Columnist David Brooks

Hey folks, your pal Brooksie is back and rapping at ya', and ready to lay some hard-core solid truth on your whack asses! First of all, let's talk about some really important stuff--Sandra Bullock.

Poor girl.  She chose the liberal-elitist way, the easy road of career, fame and riches, deluding herself that this was a worthwhile goal--and now turns out she's getting divorced! Wow! How sad that a woman turns away from the boundless joys of hearth and kitchen.  

She could have met the right man, a good Christian fellow, nice conservative guy who always wears a suit to work and philosphizes for money in some ill-gotten liberal-media-Semitic-godless newspaper like the NY Times (hmmm, get my point, Sandy dear?).  But instead she wanted glamour and the limelight, seduced by the cheering crowds....

Oh, Sandy, dear, I, er, ahem, someone very much like me,  could have shown you such a better way, where you would be baking muffins and icing cakes and living a simple, humble yet-so-fulfilling life while I live the humble, simple life of a prominent newspaper columnist with no ambition of any kind but to whom the duty has fallen to spread the message of conservatism to the fallen (i.e., the people who read the NY Times), appearing on television and the radio nationwide to tell Americans everywhere what's wrong with the Leftist-Liberal-Jewish (er, non-Christian)-Elite that tell humble, powerless folks like me, you and Exxon how to live our lives.  

So now you know what I know, Sandy--writing books and columns and showing up on NPR or CNN to spout off like an idiot and tell all Americans what they don't know about themselves but need to learn from me (real Americans, that is; not the fakie Americans in Los Angeles or New York)--that's no life for anyone.  Oh, if only this woeful duty had not befallen me, I could once again be free to do as I wished, breathe the free air as I once did when I was a simple prospector for gold or cowboy or fur trapper or whatever the fuck it was I used to do.  So call me, Sandy--my email is always open.  

Saturday, May 8, 2010

MODERN HATE: What Is "Reframing"?

Reframing is a device used by positive, optimistic happy and successful people to create a positive outcome from a negative set of circumstances.  Take this recent example: Modern Love - For the Jobless, Relationships Are Different -

"Why are you so quick to judge?" he asked.
"Quick to judge?"
"Hard on everyone."
"Hard on you?" 
"Maybe if you weren't so hard on yourself you wouldn't be so hard on others," he said.
"You think I'm critical?"
"How long have you felt this way?"
"All along, I guess."
"Why didn't you say something, Craig?"
"It wasn't clear."

The author concludes with:
.... But we needed the recession to fuel our romance. We weren’t prepared for the recovery.

As we can see from the foregoing, the author recompresses this failed relationship with reframing, thereby yielding a much more positive outcome: It was out of our control, as opposed to a far more realistic It took him six fucking months to realize I was a total bitch and would never change.  See? That nasty bitter dose of reality doesn't sound nice at all. Not one single iddley piddley bit.

So herein we see a clear-cut use of the reframing mechanism: The author not only maintained ego-integrity, but also had a piece published in the NY Times without even once admitting that she's a real cunt.

 This is what Freud would have called a "pretty solid deal".

Friday, May 7, 2010

Are Fox News Viewers Old Enough To Comprehend Fox News Headlines?

Does Hollywood Where All Evil Originates Need Naked Smutty Women To Sell Prodcuts?

As we all know, Real & Virtuous Americans (that's you!) hate smut. Especially the evil smut that comes out of Hollywood and which Hollywood uses to push deodorant and movies from Fox. So please feel free to hate Hollywood and anyone who lives or works there, as they do not represent True Americans (who watch Fox News) at all.

In the meantime, consider reading our article about Hottest Dancing Divas with photos of aforementioned hot women, and you might also consider clicking on our ads--we do not endorse the use of young attractive women to sell products--we just take their money. And please enjoy watching Fox News, with it's large staff of young, attractive reporters who definitely were not hired because they look good while reading a teleprompter.

Thank you and enjoy a smut-free afternoon. - More Companies Turning to Nude Celebs to Push Products, Promote Causes

Thursday, May 6, 2010

When Your Parasites Have Parasites

Giant tab to sort through the Lehman Brothers mess - Mar. 12, 2010

When Your Parasites Have Parasites
by Professor Bobo

Inside every parasite, upon dissection, we will frequently find that it that Mother Nature has wrought another miracle: Through the miracle of evolution, we find that evolution discovered yet another niche. For example, as we slice open the corpse of financiers who peddled worthless tripe and fed off the renumeration, look at what we find when we open the body...we make an incision...and voilĂ ! A huge gaggle of insidious parasites living within the parasite spill out, their repulsive wormy appendages held out for fees! Observe how they pad expense accounts and overcharge for the most menial of tasks! Truly the attorney is as miraculous and wondrous as any of Christ's miracles.

And that concludes our lecture for today. Remember, extra credit for anyone who can find an attorney living in their garden!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Earliest-Known Writing Deciphered

The oldest-known cuneiform clay tablet has finally been deciphered, according to an article published in the current issue of Archaeology Bulletin.  The tablet, from the ancient city of Uruk, is more than 5000 years old, and is described by the author--Dr. C. K. Smith of Frottage University, Kansas--not only the very first written communication, but also the very first hate-mail.  Translated, it reads:

Dear Steve: OMG, you're such a dick! LOL!  I drew a picture so you would understand because I just invented writing.See, this is what you are--a giant dick. 
 May you die horribly and rot in hell,

Many scholars, however, are hesitant to accept this interpretation, and Dr. Smith acknowledged that it could be many years before a consensus is reached on the "Ester Tablet".

Monday, May 3, 2010

Walloon For Walloonians

This message brought to you by The Council For Walloonian Purity.

Local Chap Plans To Express Love For God With Pipe Bomb, Gasoline, And Ammunition

"I'm pretty sure this is going to convey my deepest affection for the Divine and solicitude for humankind.  No, I don't really see a downside here."