By Super Special Guest Columnist David Brooks
Hey folks, your pal Brooksie is back and rapping at ya', and ready to lay some hard-core solid truth on your whack asses! First of all, let's talk about some really important stuff--Sandra Bullock.
Poor girl. She chose the liberal-elitist way, the easy road of career, fame and riches, deluding herself that this was a worthwhile goal--and now turns out she's getting divorced! Wow! How sad that a woman turns away from the boundless joys of hearth and kitchen.
She could have met the right man, a good Christian fellow, nice conservative guy who always wears a suit to work and philosphizes for money in some ill-gotten liberal-media-Semitic-godless newspaper like the NY Times (hmmm, get my point, Sandy dear?). But instead she wanted glamour and the limelight, seduced by the cheering crowds....
Oh, Sandy, dear, I, er, ahem, someone very much like me, could have shown you such a better way, where you would be baking muffins and icing cakes and living a simple, humble yet-so-fulfilling life while I live the humble, simple life of a prominent newspaper columnist with no ambition of any kind but to whom the duty has fallen to spread the message of conservatism to the fallen (i.e., the people who read the NY Times), appearing on television and the radio nationwide to tell Americans everywhere what's wrong with the Leftist-Liberal-Jewish (er, non-Christian)-Elite that tell humble, powerless folks like me, you and Exxon how to live our lives.
So now you know what I know, Sandy--writing books and columns and showing up on NPR or CNN to spout off like an idiot and tell all Americans what they don't know about themselves but need to learn from me (real Americans, that is; not the fakie Americans in Los Angeles or New York)--that's no life for anyone. Oh, if only this woeful duty had not befallen me, I could once again be free to do as I wished, breathe the free air as I once did when I was a simple prospector for gold or cowboy or fur trapper or whatever the fuck it was I used to do. So call me, Sandy--my email is always open.