Monday, April 13, 2015

man gets through 20 year prison sentence with help of god, heroin

 6 Ways Women's Prison Is More Horrifying Than It Looks on TV | Cracked.com



Flagstarr McKrackel, nearing the end of a two decade state prison sentence for breaking and entering while whistling 'It's a Small World After All', has publicly credited his survival to the the help of the "Almighty, and all the decent smack that He  smuggled in for me via the rectums of the prisoners. I can't wait to get out and enjoy my freedom. Best thing is I'm getting out having to pay that last thousand dollars I owe to Big Sonnyboy." He then headed into the cell block showers to enjoy "one last hot shower on the man's dime," as several other inmates went in right behind him and two blocked the doorway for some mysterious reason.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

excremente du verbiage, a brief consideration

Unequal, Yet Happy - NYTimes.com

Perhaps the book the book of pseudo-science these two are hustling would be better titled: "Crap: How to Rename an Old Idea to Generate Cash from Gullible Citizens".  Subtitle: "How to make Hollow Words Sound 'Cool'"

Sub sub title: "Because Evidently Coolness Derives From Whatever Garbage Has Somehow Struck Gold, I mean Look at those Freakonomics Guys, If They Can Peddle Horse Manure, Why Can't We?"



I'm not even going to bother to note the changes in society that have made life  easier for even the lowest since the days of 16 hour shifts in coal mines for 10 year old boys. But I will hope that the authors end up homeless on the street, and just for once, I could see someone eat a well-deserved dish of crow.


You can shovel and shovel, but the total amount of verbal excrement produced by people such as these two are far exceeds any possible amount of removal. This observation seems like a violation of one of the laws of thermodynamics--but I can't remember which one. Ask Stephen Hawking.  

Saturday, April 11, 2015

shocking photo showing that barabara walters is still unbelievably sexy

barbara walters shockingly sexy - 11 april 2015 - editorial staff

People, the highly respected periodical published by Time Warner and which screams stupid things at us every time we are simply trying to purchase a bag of potato chips without being reminded of the existential absurdity of our all too ridiculously short yet unbearably painful lives, published a highly disturbing photo which has no doubt stimulated the prurient interest of our youth -- especially the male ones.

This shocking photograph (above) shows an aged yet unbelievably sexual dynamo that is the 99 year old Barbara Walters. We here at, um, where ever we are, feel compelled to speak out against People Magazine for publishing this photograph. There can be no doubt that at this very moment, impure fluids are being rocketed into the atmosphere by imagining the thought of Ms. Walters walking corpse existing as as a set of matching triplets: This is a greater threat to our youth than the specter of Soviet-style Marxism. (Back when we all thought joining the local COMINTERN headquarters would net us a tragically doomed but oh-so-worth-it affair with Julie Christie. (Boy was a I wrong. Turned out it was a church and Boy Scouts meeting. I attended every Sunday for three years dammit.)
Shame on you, People Magazine. Shame shame shame.

wayne lapierre gets new jobbie as onion staff writer

 
above: LaPierre's controversial 'finger' speech at an NRA
convention, when he declared  in which orifice of the
President  he would insert his finger, how far, for
which reasons, and why he thought they would
both enjoy it.
wayne lapierre gets new jobbie as onion staff writer  - 11 april 2015 - dead rodent typing


Wayne 'Waynsey' (to his friends, although so far none have been found) LaPierre, noted pro-gun lobbyist and all-around hateful bastard, took a job with the satirical weekly, The Onion, it was announced this week. Curiously enough, he started his new career with a self-parody: One of Wayne LaPierre the gun lobbyist attacking Hilary Clinton. In it, he described the future under a Hilary Clinton presidency.

“She will not bring a new dawn of promise and new opportunity,” LaPierre argued. “Hillary Rodham Clinton will bring a permanent darkness of deceit and despair, forced upon the American people to endure.”
Mr. LaPierre seemed to be much more relaxed and light-hearted than his button-down, angry persona he once projected. When asked for  how he really felt about his past work for the National Rifle Association, (during which he had made such provocative statements such as the infamous, "only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun," after a school massacre), LaPierre laughed. He then replied:
"Oh, that was just a bunch of bullshit I said to make money. It's just politics, okay? You've got to laugh about it, no matter how many people die. I mean it's a crazy, nutty, wacky, cuckoo world, and the needless slaughter of innocents is just part of the game. That's why I love my new job here at The Onion. You''ve just gotta' laugh!"
Abruptly LaPierre ended the interview because, as he put it,  "I need to stomp a baby weasel to death or I'll go completely mad." He then disappeared through a passageway, into the bowels of the venerable institution that is The Onion.

#NRA #fingerspeech #waynelapierre

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Saturday, April 4, 2015

more hilarity from the economist

 More evidence that The Economist is really sophisticated satire:

"Apology: In our review of “The Half Has Never Been Told: Slavery and the Making of American Capitalism” by Edward Baptist, we said: “Mr Baptist has not written an objective history of slavery. Almost all the blacks in his book are victims, almost all the whites villains." (theeconomist.com;04march2014)

Friday, April 3, 2015

Maximum Wage

A reader's comment that is pure genius.
The debate on minimum wages is a red herring - the real debate ought to be about maximum wages - 70 million here 20 billion there for CEOs, all in the name of 'talent' that is expected to fly to a competitor. The real scandal is in a system that rewarded Carly Fiorina, Bob Nardelli and Marissa Mayer before they did anything at all. (from: krugman; power and paychecks; 03march2015; nytimes.com)