Thursday, May 21, 2015

my forsaken fourth amendment anal rights by rand paul

Highllights from the Great Rand Paul Filibuster of 2016, heretofore known to historians as 'Paulobuster16':

[Hour 27:32] The Constitution, that great document which described black men as 3/5 of a white man and women as not even human has ruled our nation since the dawn of time, before Eve led Adam to sin and that's how the Civil War started I'm pretty sure.

Anyhoo, the Constitution--document, not the ship--tells us that we have a right to privacy. But accordingly, we have the right to give up that privacy. Example: 

I came across an attractive ICE agent at O'Hare but she refused to search me. What a tease. Even suggested that I might have illicit narcotics up my rectum and that she had a better reach deep, but she just waved me through. I again insisted that I needed to be searched for potential contraband, and that I could not be above the law simply due to my position as a senator of the United States of America. Again, she refused. Instead, I was led to a small room with cheap furniture and two men in uniforms insisted on checking my passport with the State Department. After a brief phone call, they apologized for the misunderstanding and even carried my baggage to my connecting flight. I have not seen the ICE agent since. What sort of nation are we living in, President Obama? 

#thanksobama #randpaul #filibuster #fourthamendment  #callme

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

texas: america's biggest shithole for sale

Texas' iconic Waggoner Ranch for sale for $725 million - San Antonio Express-News

#texas #waggonerranch #realshitole #realestate

Bernie Sanders Rejects Negative Campaigning, Says He Would Bang Hillary Clinton 'Eight Ways From Sunday'

Bernie Sanders Rejects Negative Campaigning, Says He Would Make Sweet Yet Passionate Love To Hillary From Every Conceivable Position

Senator and self-declared Democratic 2016 hopeful Bernie Sanders announced that he is rejecting "negative campaigning". Instead, he asked for "positive champagne-ing", and invited rival and front-runner Hillary Clinton to meet him at his suite in the Burlington, Vermont Motel Six to discuss "the issues." He added that Hillary could expect an unopened bottle of Korbel Brut champagne valued at $9.99, a 'pretty good' imitation caviar with Ritz crackers, and that "I have always maintained that I have been willing to bang Hillary eight ways from Sunday from pretty much every conceivable position, and I see no need to alter that stance now--austerity be damned!"

Saturday, May 16, 2015

jeb bush explains position on iraq war to mouthy college student

"Let me explain: I'm a stupid smirking cunt just like my brother, former President Smirking Cunt. My daddy was president, my brother was president, and now it's my turn to be President Smirking Cunt, living in my insular bubble of wealth which allows me to surround myself with sycophants, leeches, remoras, the unconscionably, ruthlessly ambitious, and other parasites so repulsive that they nearly wipe the smirk off of my face. Thanks for voting for me, little girl, future President Smirking Cunt. A smirking cunt is what American needs right now. I deserve it."
(1) Shaun Gates - "Let me explain: I'm a stupid smirking cunt just...

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

foreign people news: cameron promises 'kinder, gently buttfucking', 'end to that fucking dragon in the park'

david cameron promises 'brighter, aspirational future with kinder, gentler, buttfucking'

-news from those across the sea

In news from those strange foreign people in their strange foreign land, it is reported that their leader, known as "Cameron", aka "Dave", has promised his people (assuming they exist), "a newer, brighter, aspiration future with a kindler, gentler, buttfucking." The buttfucking of the populace, he declared, "Will not be the harsh buttfucking of austerity, want, and privation, but rather well-lubricated buttfucking with a gentle, sensitive reach-around which might even yield pleasing results for all parties involved. Also, I promise to finally get rid of that fucking dragon living in Hyde Park. We all know he's been costing the NHS millions to have his scales cleaned and we are reasonably certain that he just flew here from Serbia without a visa." something. " The man known as Cameron then went outside to seek a citizen willing to engage with his administration in a mutual effort to implement the kinder-gentler-buttfuck proposal. At last report, no such person had been found.


Monday, May 11, 2015

zimmerman stands ground in moving car, defends freeway freedom

Yes, that Zimmerman.
immerman stands ground in moving car, defends freeway freedom
--johnathan liberty constitutionalist seagull In what is being falsely reported by the mainstream media as a road rage incident, George Zimmerman once again is being slandered as an unstable weirdo with a gun, when in fact he simply was defending The Constitution Of These Here Them United States. But don't believe me: Believe what the unstable weirdo with the gun said at his press conference: "The other driver was sipping on apple juice. At that point, I realized that my survival was threatened, and with it, the survival of the Sovereign State of Florida, the United States of America (except Baltimore), democracy, and quite possibly human civilization itself. I reached for my .44 (most powerful handgun in the movies) and with one swift motion, blew my dick off. Though this had no actual effect on anything except my junk, the other driver was clearly petrified and drove off. Was it the look of grim determination on my face? That he could see that I was an undeterred patriot standing my ground, Second Amendment-style? That huge sprays of blood were spattering the interior side of the windows, pasted with bits of my summer sausage and looking like the worst marinara sauce ever as I screamed in agony? We'll never know, but of this we can be sure: Democracy is safe. But for how long. How. Long?"


operation jade helm: goodbye, texas freedom

Look at what your President Santana has wrought, heretics! obamaissatan ormaybeobamaissantana christiansformichellebachmanc jadehelm