Tuesday, June 30, 2015

here are some words; you are welcome

Yes, those words were just for you! Now thing how much better those words would taste with a layer of crack on top! CrackTop! Now on sale! The new miracle product that makes anything better, including your terrible, terrible cooking. Don't you feel ashamed of yourself? Don't you realize your family hates you? Win back their love--with CrackTop! And don't forget to save some for Mom! 

#crack #nowonsale #not_available_in_stores!

Friday, June 26, 2015

justice kennedy: you can be rich and gay

Above: Supreme Court Justice  Kennedy
nostalgically reminisces about
'experimental' sessions with fellow
drunken Harvard frats .
In a moving affirmation of civil rights and in support of marriage equality regardless of race, creed or preference, Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote:

What I have noticed is that that there are quite a lot of rich people with money; yes, even gay ones. Yep. And you know, when it comes to humans, the rich ones just seem so much more, well, human, if you take my drift.  
And hey we've all been there experimenting in our youth with what a few pals, some men among their fellow virile men, could achieve with an index finger, kitchen gloves and a jar of Vaseline. 

So, sure, affirm that, because I have been deeply touched by the suffering of people of wealth and power. Sadly this ruling might apply to the unwashed masses as well, but hopefully they will soon be systematically exterminated and replaced by obedient cyborg machines who don't cause all this fuss and bother. Now everybody pat me on the back while I help steal away your right to vote, organize a union, protest in public, and eliminate all pretense of a democracy. The time of the oligarchy has come. (Sorry, just thinking out loud there.)

your pal, anthony kennedy

Monday, June 15, 2015

game of thrones finale: what a twist!

Nope, did not see that one coming.

#gameofthrones
#gameofnope
#grumpycat
#whatatwist

Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak - The Onion - America's Finest News Source



  •  It was a simpler time...it was a better time...because I'm viewing it through booze and dementia. I recall vividly the time I met Jesus of Nazareth (aka God Boy) and I slept with his wife, Mary Magdalene, because we were all on acid and thought we were polygynous velociraptors.
    Like · Reply · Just now

Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak - The Onion - America's Finest News Source



  •  It was a simpler time...it was a better time...because I'm viewing it through booze and dementia. I recall vividly the time I met Jesus of Nazareth (aka God Boy) and I slept with his wife, Mary Magdalene, because we were all on acid and thought we were polygynous velociraptors.
    Like · Reply · Just now

fans of 'game of thrones' lost their shit again

Fans of the on-going  life-was-a-nightmare-way-back-when-but-what-if-there'd-been-dragons series "Game of Thrones" lost their collective  shit once again after last night's episode. The president has not scheduled a press conference to discuss the topic. However, a statement from the White House advised television viewers 'not to lose their shit over a TV show because it's fiction and shit like that, like it's not even real and stuff.' Retorted Hopeless Fanboys of America CEO Dan Facsimily, "It's real because it feels real! Thanks Obama! Where were you when the script was being written? Where is the writers' room? Kenya?"

#gameofthrones #obama #losttheirshitagain
#kenyan #nobirthcertificate #truthers #thanksobama!