Monday, October 13, 2014

Republican Candidate Attacks Offensively Honest Political Ad In Yet Another Fake Controversy

"Just because my legs don't work does not
mean I can't be a douche. Now watch
me kill a helpless animal. Whee!
It's fun to watch things die! And that is my
promise to you as governor. I will
shoot things and watch them die.
Also, go to my website and read my
no-blow-jobs promise to Texans."

Department of the Rudely Honest
In the latest iteration of how dare you speak honestly (dutifully recorded as such by GOP shill-outlet USA Today), Greg Abbott (R) took umbrage with an campaign ad which correctly described him as duplicitous hypocrite; a man who exercised his rights when it suited him before before suppressing those rights for others. Stated Texas gubanatorial candidate Abbott:

"My severed spinal column gives me the right to be furious regarding this horrible, horrible outbreak of truth emanating from the Wendy Davis campaign. I shall defend my record of destroying the last remaining hopes of other unfortunates to the last nerve ending of my completely numb genitalia. I recoil in horror to think what other facts, certainties, or verities the Wendy Davis campaign might try to use against me. And frankly, I'd be trying to sodomize the citizens of Texas with or without the damn wheelchair, so there was no need to turn this into some adolescent take on Freud."

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

And Now, A Message From Salvador Dali About The 1955 Chrysler Convertible

Hello, friends. I am internationally-renowned artist and provocateur, Salvador Dali, here to talk to you about the 1955 Chrysler Convertible. Did you ever dream of car that looks like a huge clock being swallowed by a black hole? Well now, you can own it. The good people at Chrysler have at last designed an automobile for the likes of people such as myself; a mode of transport that moves you from point to point in the space-time continuum by defying the known laws of physics: In fact, warping time and space themselves. All while providing a smooth ride, trouble-free braking and an aerodynamic design that says, 'Yes, I know Frank Sinatra as a personal friend, we have hung out in Las Vegas upon many a happy time, he bought a Picasso off of me. I slept with the Picasso's model in fact. After Picasso did.' Hurry to your dealer, as no one is sure how many of these units have been made--or if in fact they even exist at all--or is this all the work of some fevered mind? Mine perhaps, or yours, or some strange, dark, deluded gods. Who knows?.
Thank you friends, for sharing your time with me and allowing me to talk to you about the advantages of the 1955 Chrysler Convertible. Provided any of us exist. If not, we must start over. (With existing.)


Tomorrow could be a different story, however.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Do Not Let Criminals Be The Only Ones Carrying Guns...

It is every citizen's duty to protect her- or himself. The NRA has a vital role to play in this, let criminals be the only ones with guns. 

The non-domesticated, domestic-violence-inclined citizens amongst us are included. That is why soon-to-be murderers of wives or congresspeople must be allowed drive to an out-of-state, NRA-sponsored gun show and buy a Glock without a background check, and with the only question being, "How much cash do you have on hand?" 

There's so much freedom in those transactions, why it's almost criminal.



Friday, September 12, 2014

TV Time: James Gandolfini In The News

Because it's the last season of a show that reminds everyone of how great James Gandolfini was in a totally different show, and also because of an amazing new find that will shock you (see below), we here at Dead Rodent Typing (still singular, the "we" merely refers to my multiple personality disorder)...ahem...we are proud to announce the discover of the very first draft of the final finale of The Sopranos.  

#jamesgandolfini, #thesopranos, #boardwalkstoppedcaring

Regarding 9-1-1 (PS Saddam Is Dead, Love, Rumsfeld)

by not-bush

That's right, ya dang hippies, that Bush guy that you all make fun of was planning to respond to Saddam's terrorism on 9/11 as early as February 1st! Take that, Obama! He tried to kill my daddy, he wanted to kill everyone's daddy! All American daddies were at risk! January, dangit! This Bush guy looks like he was pretty smart after all, eh?
Like they say in Texas, you can fool a dead rattlesnake twice before lunchtime but not after lunchtime! (There's a heap of wisdom in those wise old proverbs.)  Anyhoo, suck it liberals. Suck Cheney's...I don't think he has one actually.
The point is: Go to hell!
That Guy Who Is Not G.W. Bush

When the new administration’s principals (agency heads) met for the first time at the end of January it was to discuss the Middle East, including Bush’s planned disengagement from efforts to resolve the Arab-Israeli conflict, and the issue of “How Iraq is destabilizing the region.” Bush directed the Pentagon to look into military options for Iraq and the CIA to improve intelligence on the country. (Note 7) At a February 1 principals meeting Paul Wolfowitz lobbied for arming the Iraqi opposition. (Note 8) When the deputies (agency seconds-in-command) committee met in April for its first discussion of terrorism since the president took office and counterterrorism chief Richard Clarke attempted to focus on Osama bin Laden and the Taliban – five months before 9/11 -- Wolfowitz tried to change the subject to Iraq. (Note 9)

National Security Archive - Iraq War part I

Friday, September 5, 2014

An Essay On Writing

1. Sit or stand or lay in bed.
2. Tap/print words.
3. Arrange words into meaningful contextual structures according to accepted rules of language. (note: be creative) 
4. Continue until you reach "The End" or "To Be Continued..."
5. Reward yourself with a treat.

*Don't be too creative or you might end up with some incomprehensible gibberish like Ulysses but then again you might get a Nobel Prize for it.