Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Are You Evil Scum? Take The Quiz!

Kochbro: "I'm a socially liberal freedom fighter you twats."
Are you an evil yeast infection in the sewage pipes of American politics?  Take this quiz and find out!

Question #1: Do you write op-eds for the Wall Street Journal? (see answer key below)

Answer to #1: If you answered "yes", then yes you are repulsive yeast infection suffocating what's left of our democracy like a plague. 

Closeted Homophobes Plan To Whack Off To Biblical BDSM Snuff Film

A group of repressed homophobes announced their plans to sexually pleasure themselves to prolonged film sequences of a man being slathered in body grease, sadistically beaten, and then murdered in a painful and excruciating fashion, all while being dramatically lit and photographed by professional trade guild members.

The reaction from observers was characterized by a complete lack of either shock or suprise. Several onlookers did, however, shrug their shoulders. At least one was heard to say, "I never would have expected that," although the tone seemed to be one of mockery and derision rather than actual astonishment.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Non-Threatening Black Guy Had Second Career As Rapist, As It Turns Out

The black guy who didn't threaten any white people turns out to have been a rapist, it has been reported.

In other news, that nice stepfather everyone on your block likes is molesting his stepdaughter, though his wife is pretty sure that the girl must be crazy because who would say something like that because he is like the nicest guy?


Sunday, November 30, 2014

From The Department Of Death Poetry: Not-At-All Famous Last Words

I am quite certain that my last words will most likely be, "My boyfriend keeps trying to put his dick in my ass--thanks Obama!" Then I will laugh for a millisecond before a prolonged coughing fit and at last choking to death on my own vomit.
Why? Because it's funny, that's why.
#thanksobama #jennamarbles

The Economist Asks, 'Are Our Billionaires Too Poor?'

This week, the fine people of The Economist show the courage to confront the billionaires for whom they slave. Bravely ask, "Have we been nice enough? Could we be nicer? Perhaps they need a foot massage? Clawing back pensions, buying presidents and prime ministers, and leveraged buy-outs that enrich no one but themselves is terribly hard work. How about a shoulder rub? A blow-job? Should we talk about the filthy lazy unwashed masses who love poverty? Whatever it takes, whatever it takes..."

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Kill-An-Unarmed-Black-Teen Lottery Has New Winner

Darren Wilson,
Lottery Winner
The Kill-An-Unarmed-Black-Teen Lottery has new winner, it has been announced: Officer Darren Wilson of Ferguson, Missouri. When asked for comment on his receipt of over $1 million USD, Wilson reportedly shouted, "Away, negro demon of the underworld!" and started shooting.