Friday, June 10, 2016

chapter 2.01 - pre-acceptance acceptance of the pre-victory victory



the pre-acceptance acceptance of the pre-victory victory



From the speakers came more annoying, pointless speech. One voice was somewhat human, but at the same time sounded completely spineless--invertebrael, one might say. "Hello, this is National SomethingSomething Radio with Ari A. Lapdog. And this is another overpaid lapdog."

"I'm just an intern," came the voice of a young women. 

"Oh boo hoo. You're here because you're a girl. So what do you think about this momentous occasion of a corrupt, war-mongering narcissist who is about to accept her pre-acceptance with victory speech for a victory she has yet to win? You must be very excited about this momentousness. I mean, you're both girls!" 

"Let me check the script. Okay, it's um, where's my line, oh screw it--this is the best toothpaste ever!"

"We're selling a candidate here, not toothpaste. Yet. This is journalism, remember: So just read the script."

 "Oh, right right, it's a public service. We only sell brands. Like the best brand of all, Brand Bintonian!"

"I think you're getting it!"

"I'm so excited about this motherfucking toothpaste dammit! Keeps your teeth white as fuck!"

"Bintonian, Brand Bintonian."

"The candidate?"

"Yes, the candidate!"

"She will keep your teeth white! Also: Send us your money, don't be a free-loading cunt!", exclaimed the intern.

"Now you've got it!"

"But if you want my honest opinion, as a woman, I believe that I really cannot support Eevellary Bintonian for president because--"
Ari A. Lapdog cut her off with a line usually only heard in pornograpic videos: "Shut up you stupid bitch here she comes here she come oh she's coming!" he squealed. He began stomping his feet, Unable to contain himself, he stomped his feet in anticipation. 
A curtain parted, revealing a golden throne upon a dais. And on the throne sat the prematurely victorious not-yet-a-queen queen, Eevellary Bintonian herself. 

"A thunderous applause is going through  the crowd of vetted Bintonian supporters! The people who loved her five minutes ago still love her!", cried Lapdog. "Okay, the throne is levitating forward to the microphone. And her mouth is opening--she's about to speak--and oh godddddddddddddddddddddddd!" Ari Lapdog then passed out cold. As his body slumped to the ground, the intern snatched the microphone from his hand.

"Ha, now it's my time to shine!", she cried. "She appears to be inhaling air into her lungs. And now the first word is coming out now...any second now...and here it is!"

And then, clearly reveling in non-victory, Eevellary Bintonian emitted a word. The word resounded throughout the crowd. 

"Hey."

"Braiiiiiiiiiiiins!" roared the crowd.


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