Monday, July 27, 2009

Stop talking to me, dog!

I told you, I'm not killing anyone when Family Guy is on! I don't care if it's a repeat, for your information.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

My dog is an asshole.

Keeps telling me to kill people. Mainly, the mailman. Just shut it, twat! I'll kill someone when I feel like it--not when some git tells me too. Anyone else have this problem?

Yours in Christ,

Friday, July 24, 2009


Well, I think the temple I'm building out of human skeletons should impress her...and win the respect of the community at large.

Book Review: Collapse by Jared Diamond.

The problem with discussing Collapse, rather than pointless musings of affairs of the heart, is that the issues of the world seem so distant, out of one's control, and downright uninteresting when one is speculating about whether the the girl (okay, she's 43, but you know) the girl one has fallen for like some the protagonist in a badly written novel is ever going to return that affection--that seems like a burning issue so close and so powerful and so significant that it's hard to see what else matters. (Well. So much for detachment.)

Friday, July 17, 2009

Trauma Center Discrimination Outrage!

That's right, they refused to serve me when I reported a case of self-molestation! Outrage!

Science: Worth It?

Yes: science conquered polio but what of the soul? What good is it to have limbs you can use when just going to end up in the unprovable-but-certainly-exists Great Inferno? And think of all the time you can spend reading The Bible when
you're inside of an iron lung! True, very difficult to turn a page, but
Jesus will do it for you through mysterious means, such as a breeze coming through the window and flipping to the next page right when you're middle of a Hebrew castration metaphor).

Or maybe scientists will make a page-turner for you, you know, if Jesus commands them.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Google Fuck.

Wow, they suspended my adsense account, suggesting I was a danger to their
advertisers. Man, you publish *one* gay marriage/sodomy post involving
Jesus, Muhammed and Moses, and suddenly people get pissed. Where's the
fucking love? My income has been reduced from one postage stamp per year
to nil postage stamps. How am I supposed to feed my 15 children (all named
muhammed) and supplement my suicide-bomb-belt business? Muhammed One,
double our C4 projections for the next fiscal year! Muhammed Three, tell
Muhammed Two to cancel our door-to-door sales and focus on our ebay store!
Muhammed Four, fire up Quickbooks and grind out our estimated shipping
costs for the next three suicide bombing holidays! IbnRodent&Sons must
quadruple production for all central Asian war zones by next Ramadan or Al
Queda will beat us again! Curse their petrodollars!!!!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Michael Jackson Tribute Concert: American Salutes A Rapist.

by Rapie McRape

Wow, I am thinking, about freakin' time. How many times does a rapist die, and everyone gets together and says to themselves, remember where we were when that rapist sang that song? Too long, in this observer's humble opinion. So let's all hold hands and drop in the ruffies, America, because it's time to say, "We Are The Rape."

Peace out,

Monday, July 6, 2009

Jedi Bush Plays With Saddam's Gun.

"See that? He tried to kill my daddy with that gun--but now I got it!

heh heh heh

"Yup, I did that, not even my daddy could take away Saddi's, but dad-gum-it-all, I did! Blam! Blam! See, even has a place to put the bullets, it's real and everything! I bet he killed his son-in-laws with it! Blam! Yup, all mine, now, gonna put it in mah presidential library with mah other presidential crap, mah bushwhacker, mah weedwhacker, mah golfcart, mah mountain bike...yup...good times, good times. Ahhhh........BLAM! Heh heh, gotchya!"

Practicing Celibacy by St. Augustine

Yo yo yo yo kids, St. Augustine rappin' at mah dogs here. Now this be da straight up truth, and when I say 'truth', I mean, TRUTH with all capital letters and shit. Celibacy is the shit. Did you hear that? Do I need to say it again? I'll say it again in case you weren't payin attention da first go round. This be the 411: Celibacy. Is. The. Shit. Now you shorties iz all like "A. Dog, wat you be tellin' me? Nuttin' better dan pumpin' my girlz like the Taliban on a literate woman." Well, yes, it feels good now. Believe, me I made many, many mistakes when I was a youngin', gamblin', whorin', drinkin hard shit' and gettin' so fucked up and crazy I was like a rabid dog howlin' at da moon, just kicking it to the fucking max, bitches! But was I sorry for enjoying life so much? Yes, because I realized that those experiences are so empty and joyless compared to the wonder and power of churchin' up yo' ass every Sunday and praying all da time an' shit. Ya feel me brother? So whatever you do in your life, whatever choices you make, do not make the mistake of believing that pleasure and enjoyment are things you should be doing. I did them, for years really, and boy did how I regret it. I had to spend years of prostrating myself before The Lord, telling him how I was his bitch 'n' all. That's what the the world is about: Bein' Da Lord's bitch! Not making others your bitch! Dat wrong! Just plain wrong! So for God's sake do not enjoy life or you might end up wondering why you did.

Yours in Christ,
St. Augustine

U.S. Governors Head to Burning Man (part 2)

Soon after Gov. Sanford's descent into Southern Hemispherical wackiness, Governoress of Alaska Sarah Palin resigned from her position as America's first line-of-defense against the our collective Russian-led doom in a decision arrived at after a long night of deep prayer and cogitation inspired by some serious weed, 3 bags of 'Fritos' and repeated viewings of 1994's Bruce Willis vehicle, Color of Night. "We must not abide by the milky discharge of long late night demons of desire of those who only wish to be spoon-fed by excessive tax rates and sleeping slumbering willows," she proclaimed to no one in particular. "Instead, we must be ready to once and for all find Count Dracula before he finds us. Remember he hunts at night, so we must hunt him during the broad light of day and find and burn all of the coffins!" She then began to quietly mutter in a low voice for several minutes, and then shouted, "It's in the trees! It's coming!" Ms. Palin flailed her arms and ducked low as though avoiding an attacking rabid bat, tore off her clothes and ran into the woods shrieking, "The demons! The demons!" She has not been seen since by the eyes of men.

Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who claims not be the descendant of African immigrants no matter what tasteless jokes people make about his surname, found that even though he hasn't had a hit movie in decades, he can still manage to get people to pay attention. Now it's by throttling California's finances instead of an evil robot assassin from the future, but who cares as long as you're noticed?

Shouted former Illinoisan Mark Blagojevich, "Woooooo, we're going to Burning Man!"

Saturday, July 4, 2009

When Art Imitates Crap.

U.S. Governors Initiate Kickass Road Trip to Burning Man.

The governors of the all 50 states of the USA recently convened to throw a totally-whacked-out-we're-going-to-Burning-Man party. South Carolina gov' Mark Sanford kicked off the event with the requisite I'm heading to the liquor store (Appalachia) to stock up on booze, but ended up having an Animal House style run-in with a newswoman in a completely different hemisphere. Whether or not this trip was completed in a 60's-style Volkswagen or perhaps an aging 70's American muscle car is not known at this point. The last anyone heard from the Mr. Sanford, however, he was in an obviously-drug-induced stupor, and his girlfriend was pretty damn pissed. Well, their reconciliation should be hilarious whether it involves castration or not.

Editorial: More BBC filth.

Here's a recent BBC headline: Australia probes navy 'sex game'. Sickening. What the hell is wrong with you people? This is exactly why England is a shadow of itself--it went the way of Rome. Just look at the Queen! See what frolicking did to her!


Gunz2Luv out. One to beam up, Mr. Heston.

Fourth of July Editorial: The Fight Against British Oppression Continues!

By Gunz2Luv

Fellow patriots, let's take a moment to remember on the this joyous day of our independence that the struggle against British Oppression continues to this very day. For example, this recent example from New Zealand:

Wheelchair-Bound Gunman Killed By Cops
12:00pm UK, Monday June 29, 2009
Police killed muscular dystrophy patient Shayne Sime in his Burnside home in a suburb of Christchurch on New Zealand's South Island on Sunday night....police were called after neighbours heard a volley of shots being fired from a shotgun and high-powered rifle....Sime, who was believed to have been drinking and had earlier contacted family members saying he was suicidal....According to the Christchurch Press newspaper, the 42-year-old was amember of a gun club which made its own ammunition.

How sad...In our proud nation, he would have been considered to be a well-regulated militia. Let us salute this enemy of oppression! President Obama, I hereby informally request that you formally request Congress to make this man an honorary American citizen, that he may in death have the rights he was denied in life: The right to self-defense and a really kick-ass light beer delivered to your corner grocery in a convenient, recyclable aluminum can. Will you stand with us (and by "us" I mean me and my cats), Mr. President? Or will you side with the British once more, as when I informally requested you last year to launch a surprise first nuclear attack against the U.K. in order to finally free the freedom-lovers of Jamaica from the pernicious influence of the Queen and too much rum?

Drinking and firing at random is protected in the good ole' US of A by the Second andFirst Amendments. But not for the British, who remain afraid in their homes and their gun clubs, while We Americans are able to celebrate our freedom and patriotism with liberal quantities of both home-made ammo and home-made ethanol.

It's the American Way. It's Our Way. It's the Freedom Way.

Live Free, Shoot First, And Prosper.

Gunz2Luv out.