Saturday, October 25, 2014


According to Mindy Kaling, Mindy Kaling is currently quite willing to talk about stuff that happened to Mindy Kaling, report reputable sources. This includes America's esteemed paper of record, the New York Times, and has been confirmed by media outlets as diverse as TMZ, Ezra Klein's Twitter account, a 13-year-old girl's Tumblr page, and bunches of others.

Mindy Kaling has also confirmed that Mindy Kaling talking about Mindy Kaling will be an ongoing, reflective gaze of self-absorption, regarding a woman of ethnic struggling to make it in a world run by people without ethnic--namely, Mindy Kaling--and fortuitously, is planned to continue for decades to  come. Fans of Mindy Kaling fans issued countless statements of both relief and gratitude, as well as prayers for many, many Mindy-filled years to come.

#mindykaling #moreinformationthanstrictlynecessary


Do not vote, youthful youth: You do not need to vote. Republicans are gladly willing to vote for you. Besides, nothing matters. Nothing changes, not really, not ever. People will always grow old and die and then complain about being old and dead. Have you ever met a happy corpse? No! So just...give up. The way David Brooks of the New York Times gave up on critical thinking.

Once you have given up, however, you can then simply recede--into a pleasant and tranquil daze filled with comforting thoughts. (Just like David Brooks of the New York Times.) Just remember that they (Republicans, I mean, I hoped that that was fucking obvious but in case it was not...Republicans) have your best interests at heart: An obesity-and-stress-induced visit to the nearest pauper's grave. Once, of course, they have sucked you dry, stripped the flesh from your bones, and sent whatever's left to the rendering plant. (Figuratively speaking, of course, you wouldn't need a grave if they did that--hmm, that would be a money-saver, now that I think about it.) If your parents are the lucky enough to have a home, they could then easily take out a second or third or fourth mortgage. Then you could rot away in a nice container under a well-manicured lawn for eternity 10 years (till your remains are 'accidentally' dumped into the Pacific and covered by a McMansion, whoops!)

Things That Women Do All The Time When You're Not Looking

A Brief Note Regarding Marjane Satrapis...

Regarding this quote attributed to Marjane Satrapi, author of Persopolis....

If, dear reader, you agree with everything in this quote, please let me know--in order that I might swiftly administer to you a kick in the cunt. I also extend that offer to Marjane Satrapi as well. (Not really sure if that's an offer that interests her, however. More likely she'd prefer to choke on a cake of chocolate, suet and cancer sticks, but hey, that's her business.)


Monday, October 13, 2014

Republican Candidate Attacks Offensively Honest Political Ad In Yet Another Fake Controversy

"Just because my legs don't work does not
mean I can't be a douche. Now watch
me kill a helpless animal. Whee!
It's fun to watch things die! And that is my
promise to you as governor. I will
shoot things and watch them die.
Also, go to my website and read my
no-blow-jobs promise to Texans."

Department of the Rudely Honest
In the latest iteration of how dare you speak honestly (dutifully recorded as such by GOP shill-outlet USA Today), Greg Abbott (R) took umbrage with an campaign ad which correctly described him as duplicitous hypocrite; a man who exercised his rights when it suited him before before suppressing those rights for others. Stated Texas gubanatorial candidate Abbott:

"My severed spinal column gives me the right to be furious regarding this horrible, horrible outbreak of truth emanating from the Wendy Davis campaign. I shall defend my record of destroying the last remaining hopes of other unfortunates to the last nerve ending of my completely numb genitalia. I recoil in horror to think what other facts, certainties, or verities the Wendy Davis campaign might try to use against me. And frankly, I'd be trying to sodomize the citizens of Texas with or without the damn wheelchair, so there was no need to turn this into some adolescent take on Freud."

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

And Now, A Message From Salvador Dali About The 1955 Chrysler Convertible

Hello, friends. I am internationally-renowned artist and provocateur, Salvador Dali, here to talk to you about the 1955 Chrysler Convertible. Did you ever dream of car that looks like a huge clock being swallowed by a black hole? Well now, you can own it. The good people at Chrysler have at last designed an automobile for the likes of people such as myself; a mode of transport that moves you from point to point in the space-time continuum by defying the known laws of physics: In fact, warping time and space themselves. All while providing a smooth ride, trouble-free braking and an aerodynamic design that says, 'Yes, I know Frank Sinatra as a personal friend, we have hung out in Las Vegas upon many a happy time, he bought a Picasso off of me. I slept with the Picasso's model in fact. After Picasso did.' Hurry to your dealer, as no one is sure how many of these units have been made--or if in fact they even exist at all--or is this all the work of some fevered mind? Mine perhaps, or yours, or some strange, dark, deluded gods. Who knows?.
Thank you friends, for sharing your time with me and allowing me to talk to you about the advantages of the 1955 Chrysler Convertible. Provided any of us exist. If not, we must start over. (With existing.)


Tomorrow could be a different story, however.