Thursday, December 31, 2009

Movies News: Summer 2010

more crap this summer


Anthony Hopkins returns as Hannibal Lector in "Hannibal Versus The Werewolves." We can look forward to good Doctor, a strapping 72 years of age, taking out a heavily armed Special Air Service platoon with a safety razor, some dental floss and a moss-covered pavement stone. Kevin McKidd is the only survivor and epilogue headline reads, "Old Guy Shaved Our Balls To The Wall!"

Ben Kingsley's legion of enthusiasts will love the return of this ham that won't die in Elegy2:2Elegiac2Furious. We will all look forward to crying at this moving scene, with the lovely Consuela afflicted with cancer (again).

Really Old Dude to Penelope Cruz: Consuela, you can't do [breast cancer] this alone (again). Penelope Cruz to really old dude: Will you still fuck me if I lose my of my breasts? Really Old Dude: Are you shitting me? I'm Ben Fucking Kingsley, the greatest actor in the world! I can grab a 17 year old strumpet with TWO TITS any day of the week! Luck with the whole cancer thing!

Will Old Guy Keep Rooting Youger Woman Or Ditch Her For Aborted Fetus?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hello, I am Prince Nambooku of Nigeria.

I need a generous American spirit to help me transfer cash to Citibank in order that I may blow up one of your wonderful commercial airliners full of godless heretics. Thank you hellbound Satanists and I pray that Allah may watch over you always.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Old Cunt Wants Her Tits!

Selma Crudgewinkle, aged 80, and life-long resident of Supine Illinois is angry. Angry about health reform. "I need my tits, you fucking commie bastards!" she screamed at her congressman earlier this year. Will the government try to steal her mammograms and her tits? Write now to your congressional representative and demand that ALL of our tits be saved, that mammograms start early and never end, because nothing matters more than a disease which is nearly untreatable and certainly is not curable.


Puzzle Corner: The Sunday Puzzle.

 noose.bmp Welcome To Puzzle Corner!

From Stephen, Australia: “What is a nickel? Is it like a tuppence?  and can you make it a prolonged and time-consuming response? I like to enjoy my tedium, thank you very much.    


A "nickel" is like a "tuppence", except that you multiply the "tupp" by 10, divide it by the 5000th of a league, cube the result, then add pi rounded to the 10000000th place, subtract the size of Meryl Streep's narcissism measured in astronomical units, and divide by Condaleezza Rice's compassion + the 10th root of 99 (remember: you can't divide by Zero). Then multiply by zero and add five. (Answer below.)


Answer: There is no correct answer, but you should have asked yourself, why am I doing this? You'll still get a shitty grade, though.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Friday, December 18, 2009

Senator Ben Nelson Also Likes To Have His Cock Sucked In Public

Ben Nelson Contemplates The Sucking Of His Cock, wants to Pretend He Will Not Enjoy It

Senator Ben Nelson (D, Nebraska) took a cue from Senator Joe Lieberman (I, Massachusetts) yesterday when he voiced opposition on to the health care bill on the grounds that it might actually save lives. Anonymous sources suggested that he had expressed "Lieberman Envy" earlier this week, at one point during a late-night session saying he was worried that "Joe's might be larger and more attractive," confusing all present at the time. Another aide stated, "He told me he really felt that his was too small, but sometimes 'you just gotta' go for it. Joe showed me the way'" Senator Lieberman could not be found for comment, but loud sobbing and the gnashing of teeth was heard from the gent's room near his office for many hours. When asked for comment, the ghost of Sigmund Freud observed, "Yes, it is very common for colleagues to project sibling rivalries of childhood onto one another." Puffing on the apparition of a lit cigar as his ethereal form evaporated, he told this reporter, "Oh, your mother told me to let you know that she never liked you."

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I Love To Get My Cock Sucked by Joe Lieberman.

Senator Lieberman Anticipating Yet Another 61st Vote

That's right, I really love a good blow job. I love to feel the love, and now is the best time for a good vacuum action. Any time Harry Reid needs 60 votes in the Senate, I can just feel the bulge growing. And the best part is--do you know? Let me tell you what the best part of a good blow job is? I get to do it in public, and there's always a camera on me--so I know that people can always go to CSPAN and watch me break one off, over and over and over. For years, no one really cared about me till I realized that I could play my boyfriends against each other--in return for a sweet, sweet public hooverama that makes JFK look like a virgin. I mean, he couldn't get his on camera now, could he? Sorry, there's a new bill giving aid to some godforsaken poor people, and I'm due for another busta nut. Oh yeah, that is solid.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Round, hairless man warns youth of America.

A round hairless man was found wandering the streets today, verbally assaulting young people, "Look at me! This is what becoming a certified public accountant does to you! I used to be like you! I was like you once!" The man was detained by police and later identified by authorities as Robert Herz, chair of the Financial Standards Accounting Board. He was released to the custody of the local Weight Watchers chapter and immediately assigned a case worker from Tuff Bodies Inc. Said one bystander, "I hope I never learn what common stock is."

Sunday, December 6, 2009

And Then The Voices of a Million Hipsters, Shrieking in Pain...

Hipsters across the galaxy were dismayed by Brian Eno's recent comment this year, "Everything is cool." Screaming into their iPhones, pleading for the ghosts of dead junkie alt-rockers to send them wisdom via their iTunes playlist, these wretches cried out in agony, wondering how would they ever be able to look disdainfully on the rest of the hypocritical ignorant bourgeoisie if they could no longer distinguish themselves with countless hours of sorting through the works of vacuous, self-important grandstanding narcissists and heroin addicts. But the most terrifying question to many was "Who the hell is Brian Eno? Was he in a band?" went unasked, as no one was willing to admit that he or she did not know the answer.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Guns Protect Washington Police Officers.

Yes, think how much worse it could have been.

Who Gives A Shit 2.0? By Lance Armstrong.

Hi, I'm that guy who loves to talk about how fucking great he is at riding a bicycle. And guess what? You can buy a book I pretended to have written. What's it about? It's about how fucking great I am at riding a bicycle. Forwards, up hills, down hills, flat surfaces--I can do it all. And I'm really good at it. Really. So go out and plop down 29.99 dollars for a new hardcover copy of my book. Why the hell wouldn't you? It's about me. Me, Lance Armstrong, the guy who's fucking great at riding a bicycle. John Stewart loves me, he looked a little gay to me really, but what the hell, a sale is a sale. And I ride a bicycle. Good. (Goodly?)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Dwight D. Eisenhower: PUSSY.

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron.
Dwight D. Eisenhower, From a speech before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, April 16, 1953
34th president of US 1953-1961 (1890 - 1969)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Gov. Mick Huckabee Feels Ghost of Willie Horton Gently Raping Him In The Ass.

Governor Huckabee woke up after realizing he had granted clemency to a man whom several years later shot four police officers, and felt something heavy and warm on top of him. "Yo, remember me?" At first Gov. Huckabee thought is was the ghost of Barry White or Black Father Christmas, but the ghost then identified himself as once having been Willie Horton. "That's right--I fucked with Dukakis and now it's a must that I fuck with you." After enduring a long and unpleasant bout of nonconsensual homosexuality, the ghost grabbed a Coors out of the fridge, saying "Don't worry, I'll be back in 2012." The governor felt relieved until he saw a line of reporters going out the door, ready to do the exact same thing. "Well, hop on," he said with his usual optimism, "we may as well get this thing over with."