(pictured: Ben Carson raising the roof at "Ben Carson Plays The Songs Of Kraftwerk", his e-music festival in California's scenic Coachella Valley, known world-wide as 'that place with all those brown rocks where I got really blitzed'.)
Ben Carson, world-renowned brain surgeon, regaled a conservative audience (people with more money than they need but nowhere as much as they would like, which is all of it) an anecdote of the time the voices in his head told him to abandon medicine and run for president of the United States. "It was a strange coincidence, right after I'd been diagnosed with a neoblastomic cancer infesting my brain like a million tiny worms devouring my capacity for rational thought, and then wouldn't you know, I heard the voice of Boston Red Sox first base man Carl Yastrzemski. But he wasn't in the room! That was when I realized I must be having a profound spiritual experience. And the voice said:
"And that is why," concluded Dr. Carson, "I am running for president of the United States. Let us all worship Carl Yastrzemski, Lord of the Underworld!"
Listen to me, Carl Yastrzemski: This is not a window shutting on your junk, it's a door opening for your junk. And the rest of you. Reagan was the greatest president of all time, and he had Alzheimer's. Soon you won't even have a cortex, so think how great you will be. You will save the nation, wrestle with the Anti-Christ, and bring the Endtimes. Everyone will be pretty happy about the destruction of all life. Do it, do it, do it, come on, don't wuss out, run Ben run! But when you become president, your first action must be to build the greatest pyramid the world has ever seen. It will be known as the 'Carl Yastrzemski Pyramid' and my body will be laid in repose within it, that I may rule over the Underworld forever and ever.
Carl Yastrzemski could not be reached for comment.