The Burning Issue Of Our Times: Wiener Shots

by DR. PRURIENT T. LOGICUS, PhD
I have to say, I must congratulate the American media: A known liar and fabricator baited a hook for them, and like a school of retarded herrings they all jumped for it.

But can we blame them? After all, they spend their days listening to the most boring and predictable things in the world--politicians. Politicians incessantly reiterating the same dull pointless points over and over, the same meaningless 'move forward' 'go upwards' inspirational huffing and puffing, the endless evasions, feints, bluffs, and ploys in the poker that is the reality of American politics.

So when the possibility that a man drank a few beers, stuffed a sausage into his underwear and snapped a photo of it hit the proverbial fan, of course they will all leap like at that sausage like trained seals who bark on command. "Could the photo actually be that of a congressman with a slippery crowd-pleaser tucked into his nether realms?", they cry with anticipation? For this is what every journalist craves: A mystery. A mystery wrapped in a kielbasa wrapped in a male undergarment.

"I know the size of
my cock--why doesn't
he?"

For how could he not know every detail of this? How could a man not know if his account was hacked or not? As Luke Russert (of whom we can all be absolutely certain that his name had nothing to do with his career) observed on MSNBC, we can be certain that a man uncertain of the gorgeous contours of his own penis, even under a pair of gentleman's infra-trousers, is a man worth of Luke Russert's suspicion. Am I going to doubt a man who got his job because of his daddy? Please, next I'll be doubting George Bush.

"I've picked my man-
meat out of a police
line-up on a number
of occasions."

But I'm on a sidetrack here--even Jon Stewart is convinced that he could pick his own man-meat out of a police line-up. And if this criminal justice system has taught us anything, it's that (a) people who are uncertain are guilty as hell, and (b) witnesses are always trustworthy. As long as they're certain. (Who would you trust, a Real American who knows what he saw, or some Poindexter type talking on about DNA and codons and evidence?)

The man who never doubts
 himself is a man you
can trust.

In other words, simply because prosecutors and police and juries succumb to biases doesn't mean we should should expect journalists to be objective. Hasn't Bill O'Reilly taught us anything? Scream now, facts later (preferably when no one cares anymore and there's something else to scream about). And a man definitely, definitely should not be talking to younger women (who should be kept in the home anyway). Anyone who has met a college student knows they have nothing to say, and I'm sure the same applies to medical students, interns, and congressional aides. Have you ever seen a professor talking to his students? Of course you haven't.

And there's no reason anyone else should talk to them either.