Monday, June 13, 2011

The Humble Secret Boners Of Edmund Burke

The Magical Balloon Ride Of Mister Brooks
The philosopher Edmund Burke once said, "Keep it in your trousers." And who are we to say otherwise? If we cannot trust our congressional representatives to conceal their bulges, how are we to trust them with our nuclear weapons?

Thus we need modest, reserved men. Men of humble modest humility. Men with huge expanses of modestitudiness, like our nations vast prairies or lakes of hogwaste. Men who don't wish to impose sweeping changes; for example, men like Obama, although since he's a Democrat who sometimes (though happily, not always) makes things 'better' (as the hippies would have it), I must be against him. Better instead to support a reserved, quiet chappie of vast humbletude who will veer the direction of our ship of state by humbly and modestly destroying it.

This is why Republican presidents have been so great for this country in the last 40 years: Honor. They only wreck the law (or the economy) in order to save it. The unfathomable Reagan (Iran-Contra), the duller-than-gray-carpet Bush Senior, the insipid cowboyism of Bush Junior (and his minions Cheney, Rummy, and Rice, none of whom would recognize truth if it were canned as a diet soda and sold on supermarket shelves) and his honorable delusions about his place in history...cream of the crop when you think about them.

So remember Mr. Burke's advice, and always always conceal your secret shameful desires under a veneer of boring conformity. It's the American Way. Unless your're not on my team.


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