Friday, November 19, 2010

How The Hippies Killed Newsweek

In the 1950's, everything was wonderful--America was a Garden of Eden. Very few people were ever lynched and they probably had it coming. People read National Geographic and Reader's Digest. They were content and happy with the lot God had proscribed for them.

Then came hippies.  And with them came an entire train of dross--the Civil Rights Act, and all hell broke loose. Somehow this led to the invention of the transistor, computers, cellphones, and Craigslist and Google Ads. And before you knew it the news industry was going down faster than the Bismark. But what really caused all of this? A cynic might think that money shifted marketing to the industry--but truly only an utter fool would believe such a thing.

The truth: Hippies did it. The Fender Stratocaster made Ladies Home Journal look dull and silly; or reading about the lastest bloodshed in the world that no one could stop dull, pointless and depressing.

But the truth is quite different: Hippies did it. By subverting our fine white 1950's morality into a love of hippie-ness, beatnik poetry and flirting with Oriental heresy, and rejecting materialism, this somehow led to later generations embracing materialism.

So there: You killed NewsWeek, hippies. I hope you're very fucking happy with yourselves.

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