|by NEWT GINGRICH|
Let's face it: America has gone horribly wrong. It's terrible. Once we used to breed black people as slaves and now look...the telepathic sentient reptiles that rule the world from their secret lair in Antarctica are corrupting our youth with Judd Apatow films. Where did it all go wrong? Well I'll tell you: Electricity and the horseless carriage. And going off the gold standard.
Therefore, let me iterate my presidential platform:
- A total and complete reversion to steam locomotives;
- Closing the federal reserve and returning to a money supply based on gigantic wheels of cheese or salt;
- Ending all unnecessary production of electricity and limiting electronic communication to the telegraph.
Only then will we be able to stand together once more as a nation, invade the reptiles lair in Antarctica, and return those leathery-skinned bastards to the Andromeda Galaxy. And they can take Judd Apatow with them. I mean, 12 bucks to see Bridesmaids? Is he fucking kidding?
And therefore, my fellow Republicans, please vote for me in the primary; I am the last, best hope for our nation. May God have mercy on our wretched souls.