The Dangers Of Heterosexual Sex

by DR. PRURIENT
LOGICUS

Dear readers, we now know that sex between the male and female is highly correlated with a number of negative effects: Pregnancy, neuroticism, psychoticism, melancholia, excessive intake of fermented banana juice, cancer, tuberculosis, yellow fever, malaria, and countless other disorders of the mind and body. (For example: Sex And The Simian)

Are you aware, gentle apes, that nearly all suicides are preceded by prolonged episodes of masturbatory insanity?  No, of course you did not.  The liberal media would prefer that you did not know.  Right at this very moment, your young chimp could be preparing himself (let's face it, him not her) for a long, slow yet terrifying descent into madness under the pretense of micturation--and you would never know until it's too late.

Are you aware, gentle apes, that nearly all suicides and homicides have been preceded by a heterosexual act?  And this effect can occur literally years after the event.  Years.  It's that bad.  (In fact, my wife became pregnant last month and we have not so much as touched one another in over a decade--this is how insidious and damaging the long-term effects of a single heterosexual act can be.)

So remember to caution your young chimps, bonobos, gibbons, gorillas and orangs against engaging in the act of procreation for any reason other than procreation, in the time and manner proscribed by the Great Ape.  To do otherwise will invariably lead to disease, delirium, and death.  So don't be like the humans.

Yours in Simian Redemption,
Dr. Prurient Logicus