Monday, January 11, 2010


Hey Y'all, Let's Talk About Whether Jesus Will Forgive Tiger Woods!


little_fart_man  by Self-Righteous Little Fart

Should Fox News Broadcaster Brit Hume be telling us which religion would be best for Tiger Woods? Of course, he should—why do you thing Fair & Balanced News was invented? To build schools for the children of hell-bound heathens?  Still, we are plagued with the misfortune of religious freedom in this country, all because of some bleeding-heart commie Quakers no doubt, but that’s no longer the issue.  There is everyone who reads the New Testament, and there’s Every One Else.  Even Mexicans read it. (It’s true—they even built churches.  Saw them on vacation once—big pyramid things, I think they’re called pyramids.)

Okay, we all have to admit one thing—and so do they: Jesus will forgive you. He will forgive you anyway, anytime, anywhere, any sin, any orifice. We all know that because we've been told that by other people. And if they believe it, should not we believe it as well? Take a gander at Brit Hume--one look at him and you know that this guy is running on nothing but spite--just an aging ball of bitter that can suck the joy out of any life-form. But don't you think Jesus will forgive him? Can I get a hell yeah?

Of course I can.

Therefore, it follows logically, since I know that I will be forgiven, and that Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Zoroastrianists and college professors will not forgiven, and because I read a book about Buddhism once or sat through a documentary about it (nothing on HBO that night probably), I therefore have no need to learn what Buddhism means or does not mean to its 200-500 million adherents.  Becau se I already know the facts, I do have to learn the facts. Because I was told the facts by other people who are very reliable sources (mom and dad).  And therefore, I can say with certainty that I have no problem with advocating Christianity in our sadly far-too-liberal-democracy which does not want to be reminded constantly of how we are all wretched sinners, utterly vile and worthless in His Eyes of He Whom Created Us For Some Damn Reason Maybe Because He Loves Us So Much,, and that is why we must be redeemed by the Redeemer.  Oh, you can redeem your coupons till kingdom come, but only He can your redeem your soul. 

Finally (deep breath): Just because I’m a sinner does not mean I cannot be self-righteous little fart of a man.  Quite the contrary.  By judging everyone else, I’m trying to do God’s work, which is make everyone aware of what horrible wretches, a sickening, revolting, repulsive God-fart.  You only have to read my essays to see that.  And if that does not terrify you to turn towards Jesus—nothing will.

Your Pal In Christ,
Ross Douthat


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