Saturday, January 9, 2010


Ah, Mr. Bond, Delighted To Meet You Once More—Before You Die

by Dr. Killie McKill

It will indeed be a pleasure to watch you die. And now I will kill you in an unnecessarily complicated way which will allow me to give the audience some much needed exposition, as well as giving me a chance to give Alan Rickman a run for his money.  Now simply let me fiddle with these dials, knobs, and other gizmos as I manipulate this machine that I have fiendishly devised to vivisect, castrate, disembowel, decapitate, crush, squeeze, plastic-wrap and freeze dry its victims. In the meantime, please take the opportunity to leer at my sexy assistant with whom you earlier doubtless shared a degrading yet pleasureable experience of lust and who is for some reason wearing a tantalizing low-cut lab coat. Betcha' you didn't even know they made those things did you? Well, I had them specially ordered from Hong Kong. Ah, Hong Kong, lively city--a pity everyone living there will now be forced to eat only American food--devilish, isn't it? All those fatties might just sink the damn island--but no matter. You and your colleague from the Outer Mongolian Plateau Security Services will be, hmmm, how shall I say, taken care of yes. Ah yes, very well cared for. That's correct, I know all about your little friend Miss Sarangerel Erdenetungalag Tsetsegmaa Smith-Jones. And of course all about your degrading experiences with her while you promised her your undying love--but neglecting to mention the active gonorhhea you recieved in Hanoi last summer, hmmmm? Yes, in fact she thought I was working for her, but she was really working for me--mostly filing and light typing, a little time at the reception desk and some overtime assassination. This machine is really taking quite a long time to warm up, and I have a very important phone call from Verizon, and I cannot pass up this opportunity to save on my long-distance calls. So I bid you adieu, Mr. Bond. I fear we shall not, ha ha, meet again? "What's that? $50 dollars a month less on my calls to North Korea? That would be marvelous...."


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