Things that are totally true.
by David Brooks
You know what terrifies me? No, it’s not those tea-partied-brownshirts bursting their fucking mid-cerebral arteries like so many rabid dogs in a simultaneous fit of apoplexy brought on by the appearance of their local congressman or an Obama poster. No, it’s not the mercury in the ocean, the greater and greater mounds of toxic waste everywhere, the not-so-toxic waste shrinking our testicles, the untoxic waste that’s not toxic but will be sitting around for ages like those bent paper clips that live in your desk drawer like permanent refugees. It’s certainly not the soldiers who needlessly are maimed, killed, damaged for life by The Previous Admin (ever resolute and steadfast, I am certain that he remains steadfast and resolute in defending everyone of his decisions as correct—especially about giving up burgers and donuts) (rest easy, dear reader, for I don’t worry a single whit about them). It’s not the extinction of those worthless fucking leaf-munching gorillas or those nasty shit-slinging orangutans. It’s not what might be in our drinking water or antibiotic resistance or unemployment or swamps of liquified ungulate shit polluting rural towns. Nope. Not a single one of those.
And let’s face it: We need to stick to the educated elite. People who think they might know be smarter than the common man. Anyone who went to Harvard (Bush), knows what a concerto is, can play the violin, has a doctorate in mathematics or computer science or understands a Mystery Science Theater episode. These people have been overeducated into an incredibly dangerous belief system, where in we live on a planet of finite resources and finite wealth, where the benefits of economic growth must be balanced with a concern for the ecosystem in which we live. They are dangerous to our American way of life. They would have us sorting our trash instead of simply dumping it where we would never have to look at it again (say, Nigeria?)—saving lives instead of shooting bullets—building schools instead of dropping bombs—limiting population instead of creating slave labor for us—putting limits on Americans. Which is what makes them UNamerican. (That’s correct—they don’t even deserve the capital ‘A’.Commie bitches.)
And now Hollywood reveals itself for what it is. Self-hating white people who make anti-white movies such as Avatar. These hate-spewing liberals such as James Cameron are interested in only one thing: Using power and wealth to spread the hatred of white people. Look at how Avatar romanticizes illiteracy and ignorance! The White Messiah arrives and aids the simple, beautiful savages against the encroachment of civilization, of schools, colleges, learning, engineering aircraft that can unload a heat-seeking missile right on some vociferous cleric's ass…. Anyway, what the deuce was I on about? Something about how the Educated Elite hates literacy, I think….Was that it? Sure, why not? I have a deadline too.
Hell, who doesn’t love the tea-partiers? I don’t strictly approve of them—but they do resent the Educated Elite—the smug bastards, writing better books than mine, better columns than mine, having better-looking friends, getting higher grades in school and more sticky stars next to their names—and the mindless hatred those who are brighter and more talented and creative just fine with me. Unless dirty illiterate savages are doing it. In which case I’m really against it. And just look at my face—could unpleasant little fart of a factoid penetrate that smug self-righteousness? So far…fuck no. That’s right, you got that smiley face sticker on “How I Spent My Summer” in third grade, Lisa. But who’s laughing now? I’m writing for the Times and not even I can figure that one out. Who’s laughing now! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!