Sunday, January 16, 2011

How To Condescend To Humans

Professor O. Rang Tang,
Ph.D., Human Studies

Gentleapes, we have to recall that in dealing with humans on a daily basis, we must remember that they always have a need to believe that they are right.  This is especially true of the human variety known as "pundits".

Take, for example, the recent brouhaha: Who is able to blame whom over who shot whomever in the head and why.  Now as we all know, the job of a pundit is to always be right.  Frequently this involves pointing at the other pundits and predicting how they went wrong.  With a blessed amnesia that allows them to forget that they have ever been wrong about anything.

Recently one human shot several others include a human-child.  Now as much as I loathe these little bastards (given that they will merely grow into human-adults), I was somewhat moved.  After all, I'm a parent myself, of a bonsai tree. [Laughter]  But what was most interesting to me was the reaction of the other humans to her demise.  Now you would think that a child having a piece of metal go through its brain and out the other end would horrify the adults; this would be the normal reaction, after all, of apes, would it not?  [Mumble agreement mumble]  Indeed it would, good gentleapes.

But consider the reaction of the human who calls himself 'Brooks':  They were vicious charges made by people who claimed to be criticizing viciousness.   Most curious indeed.  Not one mention of the a 'vicious' crime, but then he is upset about what is apparently, to him, the 'real' crime: Blaming others for what they said.

Or consider the case the human known as 'Will', who decries the alleged false logic of the so-called 'liberal' human  (not really sure what 'liberal' means, but apparently they like hats) without a single word about the horror of a massacre.  Or the human 'Deathhammer', who claims that, ...rarely in American political discourse has there been a charge so reckless, so scurrilous and so unsupported by evidence.

Yet not one word about prevention, or the horror of it all, or why such meaningless and senseless tragedies are allowed to happen.  Not even the victim herself eerily predicting a catastrophe.  Thus, we can only conclude that for many humans, the most important thing about their lives is to believe that they are correct in all their views.  Forthwith, I am suggesting that in our dealings with them, it is best to feign agreement in all matters.  But do it in bemused condescending way.  Much the way they talk about each other.

Someone has just handed me a note: There will be a poo-flinging party later for all chimpanzees only. Repeat, a poo-flinging party for all chimpanzees only.  Now we will break for some very ripe bananas, courtesy of the gibbons [applause] and then we will resume with yet another (sigh) speech from a gibbon regarding, um, the joy of eating very ripe bananas.  [Smattering of applause]

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