Thursday, July 9, 2015
bees teach us critical thinking via collaborative murder
-from the magical balloon ride of mister brooks
Hey peeps, gotta' pop in here to earn my paycheck which I get in order to prove the maxim, 95% of everything is shit because that's what people like.
So you know the drill:
First paragraph: Me all excited about some bullshit! We all know that bees are social animals, right. Just like people! But you say, "David, bees are stupid!" Wrong. You're stupid. I mean, you're reading this column and taking it seriously, right? Okay, let's move on.
Second paragraph: Did you know how aforesaid bullshit demonstrates counter-intuitive hypothesis? Bees are not stupid--in fact, they're bee-smart! Take, for example, a fellow walking down a bucolic country road in the spring time. This gent--who let's say, looks a lot like this guy--
hypothetically of course, it's just a photo I plucked from the Internet completely at random, no idea whom he might be--so this gent is strolling down the road and then because his dumb fat stupid head is filled with 'ideas' that are different from mine, he doesn't even notice that hive of Africanized bees living in that mailbox. Whoops! Out come a hive of bees hahahaha! That's right, stab that old bastard!
Now poor ole' ̶p̶a̶u̶l̶ ̶k̶r̶u̶g̶m̶a̶n̶ random stranger is suddenly being attacked like a Tokyo firebombing in 1944! Who's the dumb fat stupid-head now, ̶p̶a̶u̶l̶ ̶k̶r̶u̶g̶m̶a̶n̶ random stranger? That's right, the bees, by working together, have become super-intelligent! And the man is super-dead! Who's the smartie-pants now, ̶p̶a̶u̶l̶ ̶k̶r̶u̶g̶m̶a̶n̶ random stranger?
Third paragraph: Wrap up my deep penetrating insight into reality which only I possess with message of the moral superiority of keeping your mouth shut and the virtue of blind obedience to our Wall Street Overlords or the boot of whom ever I happen to be licking today. Yes, dear reader, I have examined this matter carefully, very carefully. It consumed an entire 30 minutes of my time between breakfast and lunch, after which I busied myself with a Danielle Steele novel but anyways the point is is that only I have seen this. The bees obey their ruler. For the good of their hive nation, they attack and die. And I'm sure that they die happily, knowing that they gave all for the greater good.
So remember, the next time you or your child or grandchild is out there in some foreign hellhole filled with people who hate America and therefore need to learn about democracy at the end of a rifle barrel, weep not. Instead, say it with me (from a very, very, very, very, very safe distance):
FOR THE HIVE! HIVE AMERICA!