Monday, December 20, 2010

Gays Much More Dangerous Than Thermonuclear Weapons by Mitch McConnell

Are You

 It's Me, Mitch.
Greetings, America.  Odds are 50/50 you have no idea who I am.  Well I'm the Senate minority leader.  (Yes, an atrocity, given that Real Americans constitute a majority of this country.) (Hippies not included.)

In other words, if you're a Real American, you've doubtless lost interest the second you realized this wasn't about Tiger Woods shooting golf balls at Lady Gaga's baby howitzer.
However, in the offhand chance that someone besides a complete lunatic is actually paying attention, let me say something about the START treaty: I'm agin' it.

"Why?" some may ask.  Indeed you may.  Naturally I could recite a lot of details about payloads and warheads and tactical versus nuclear and a lot of other boring crap, but then we would lose sight of The Big Picture: If Obama wins, I lose.  And when I lose, I get so angry like you would not believe! I pout and make little fists and shout (it's really quite adorable) and my chin flab undulates and sometimes I even get a real boner.  (Not so easy for a man my age; guess there's always an upside.)  And now the heat-seeking missile of man-on-man love threatens to destroy the military that champions our greatest American virtue--cheap gasoline.

And the only way to keep our under-priced, over-subsidized Exxon, Mobil, Shell and Arco stations full of their precious juice is for Americans to vote Republican.  Which in turn makes Republicans more powerful, the wealthy more wealthy, and makes more Americans wish to vote Republican.  It's a beautiful, natural cycle that must not be tampered with.  So I think you'll see why a bit of thermonuclear war is nothing to worry about--not compared to keeping our national Ponzi scheme going.

Just remember Obama, you come up against me, you gonna' lose! (Oh dear, my trousers are getting tight again.)

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