Saturday, July 31, 2010
|"I can't believe I'm|
getting paid for this!"
Friday, July 30, 2010
Hi, I'm Larry Mantle. You May Remember Me From Such Films As "Billionaires Are People Too", "The Bachelor And The Billionaire", and "The Bitter Tears Of Megan Von Wittmann"
Senile Dickweeds CAN Work In
But I'm sure that Jerry Brown will try to make this scandal into political hay--after all, his biggest supporters are high-level administrators, city council members, and county supervisors. Or so I appear to believe. But I also appear to believe that these people are independently wealthy, so go figure.
And remember, you can only get this quality radio--me babbling on like an old crank--at KPCC. And don't even think of joining KCRW instead--that station is run by a load of pill-popping techno fans wearing Che Guevara t-shirts. So send us money. Thank you and goodnight.
|Ms. 45 Is Nun Crazy|
Real Lesbians, Real IMDB Comments, Real Misandry
Potentially the most interesting aspect of such a tale might be the exploration of why two women might be so angry at men that they make a career out of slaughtering them."
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
|In My Opinion, Truth Is Dead|
Wow, things are so crazy these days what with NPR listeners disappearing faster than salmon after mating season! And have you noticed many, many people have opinions which are not completely substantiated by empirical evidence? But since I'm obviously the only objective person left in the media--I'm the perfect person to host this show!
A comment from driftglass at: The Long Strategy - Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com, re: "The Long Strategy", David Brooks, nytimes.com
Except, of course, you are not a liberal or a Democrat. You are the carefully bland, studiedly tepid apologist for a depraved and failed ideology whose livelihood depends entirely on continuing to pretend that there is some reservoir of "reasonableness" remaining w/in the Conservative Movement with could be activated IF ONLY the Left would just keep compromising over and over and over and over again. This is a lie. It has been a lie for 30 years. You know it is a lie. Your colleagues know it is a lie. Everyone who pays attention to politics knows it is a lie. And yet week in, week out, you continue to get paid very handsomely to dress up in a costume, put on makeup and tell your paying customers things which both of you damn well know are not true.
Was there ever a more succinct definition of "whore" than that?
Monday, July 26, 2010
|General Area of Pointless Violence|
Fear And Death (above)
Sunday, July 25, 2010
It's just not that complicated."
I can't help but see a certain comeuppance for O'Connor--what really was she expecting when she retired with Shrubya at the wheel? That's like appointing Nick Nolte as the evening's designated driver. Then she accuses Americans of ignorance regarding "civics"?
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
|The look of a man in|
a state of spiritual
These scientists emphasize group cohesion over individual dissent.. Although you may think it utterly hypocritical of me to espouse the virtues of group conformity on one day and the next day praising individualism (especially mine), when it's politically expedient to use that to attack my enemies in The Current Administration--well, I can tell you this: It ain't. Because if it were hypocritical, I wouldn't be writing this column today. So there. I think I've proved my point.
At this conference, they barely mentioned the yearning for transcendence and the sacred, which plays such a major role in every human society. Deep down we instinctively know, after all, that when people donate money for a church, or a pyramid, or ziggurat, it has nothing to do with group conformity and self-identification or massive egocentricity. And capitalism is much more about transcendence than it is about making a giant wad of cash.
Moreover, their implied description of the moral life is gentle, fair, and grounded--say, if Africanized bees were to fatally swarm an elderly person in a beautiful ballet of cooperation, fair play and toxic shock. Nay, these scientists emphasize the cooperative virtues, like empathy, over the competitive virtues, like the thirst for recognition and superiority, such as when a potential queen ant bites the head off of her rival and devours her corpse in order to take over the colony--I'm sure that Science has completely ignored the idea of competition, and if they have not, well it's their job to inform me. Not the other way around. I'm a columnist, dammit, not some group-conforming technocrat living high on the hog and under the public dole like some freeloading climate scientist.
Besides, what would happen if people like me actually had to seriously entertain the notion the idea that there is really no evidence that the ideas of people like me are any better than any other ideas? First of all, I'd be out of a job, and that wouldn't do much for my thirst for superiority, that's for damn sure. Secondly, the individualistic Real Americans with their pioneering genes would have no one to tell them about their pioneering ways--even if they spent 50 years working for the telephone company and haven't gone without running water or electricity since, well, ever. And we can't let that happen.
So far, it seems that Science will not address those who yearn for a morality that is "awesome, formidable, transcendent, or great," like when we individualistically cooperated to bomb the fuck-all out of Baghdad. Perhaps scientists just want to think about things that they can demonstrate instead of things that are unprovable, undemonstrable, unseeable, untouchable, or utterly implausible. In other words, those things which can only be experienced through a very individual submission to an ultimate authority. That's right, God. Mr. Big. The Bigshot Uptairs.
Which is why we as individuals must choose to conform as a group to something which will tell us what to do. Or else.
Experts Want To Choke Your Freedom To Death With Their Bare Hands by super sexy guest star David Brooks
|Who Can You Trust--|
Me, Or The So-Called
You, the public, might think at some point I would realize that the mass of self-contradictions I refer to as my 'philosophy' would at some point cave in on themselves like a house built from subprime mortgage derivatives--but no, I'm still here spewing out the same crap I've been doing for god-only-knows-how-long. I like to refer to myself as "God's Geyser" (it's a little joke David plays with David), though the world is filled with people who can't shut the hell up, so why are you looking at me?
Of course, first things first (this being the NY Times), I must toss a bone to the unwashed hippie liberal Ivy League elitists who run this country and subvert our good solid Midwestern values: Um, Bush did not do everything right. Okay? So there, now I sound pretty rational, don't I? Pretty much in the middle? Okay. So Bush not doing things perfectly was the first half of this decade--apparently I can't add, subtract or divide simple whole numbers either. The second half, and by 'half of a decade I mean one year of the Obama tyranny, Congress, against the will of Real America, created a massive new bureaucracy. I won't come out and say how horrible this is, although it is truly horrible, I will only say that it is horrible because rational people hate centralized planning of any kind.
We should not place our faith in such things as modern statistics, the use of computers in management of people and resources, or indeed the use of mathematical models of any kind. These things are only for businesses to make money. They are not for our representational government to find ways to more efficiently allocate scarce resources. Because scarcity is produced by the government, and not limited by anything in this alleged "natural" world that scientists always yap on about. If I go to the doctor, I want him to test the hell out of me until I feel as though every orifice has been painfully violated again and again, and maybe in places where I don't even have an orifice. So what if there's no evidence that Test A or Drug Z doesn't work? If Madison Avenue tells us we need it, we should have it--as long as we can pay. And if I don't have any cash, I just want my worthless flesh tossed into a ditch and left to die--just like every other American.
So this is what Real America wants, Mr.Obama--to be probed and violated unnecessarily, or left out in a ditch to die. And that, dear readers, is freedom.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
|Important Business Leader Willing To Discuss What Is|
Wrong With Everyone Else
Business leaders of from all over the world issued a joint statement today, declaring that they have reached mutual agreement on a number of issues, including global warming, pollution, malnutrition and obesity, too much health care or too little, water shortages across the globe and numerous other problems facing humanity.
|Steve Jobs' Ego Watches Over Steve Jobs|
Why should we care what happens to Steve Jobs when Steve Jobs is dead? The iPad is so much better than reality it's like not even funny. If that in itself is not enough to assure immortality, I don't what the heck is.
All iPad users will now be automatically enrolled in a lottery wherein each winner, with 999 other Jobs acolytes, will be entombed with Jobs for all Eternity. Thereby they will be able to serve him in Heaven (for example, when he needs someone to scream at) where he will no doubt be a very very major demigod of some sort, with the ability to intercede on the behalf on iPhone users with dropped coverage, provided that the proper sacrifices and ritual offerings/oblations have been made to Him, The Great Steve.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
For example, an Newsweek piece about how hard it is to infringe upon the votes of people who don't exist. Or they're invisible. Such as the invisible white voters pictured here.
Monday, July 19, 2010
New studies prove that their is discrimination against the children of rural white turnip farmers who idolize football stars, take the Bible literally except for the dress code, and love hunting (I'm talking about hunting where you actually kill an animal with a gun or preferably with your bare hands whenever possible). They'd love to go to Harvard, live in Manhattan and work on Madison Avenue or Wall Street, but with all of the, um, let's call them "nonwhites", with all of them going to Harvard, that only leaves room for the upper-class white youths. And you know they're not real Christians--they live in Manhattan for chrissakes. What kind of Real Christian lives in that godforsaken city of sodomy?
Therefore, if there are a lack of lower-class, racially white, pious Proestant youths attending Ivy League schools, it's due to Liberal Elists who hate Christians. (And if you hate Christians, you hate Christ and probably deserve to die horribly. (Note: Conversion courses are held in the church annex every Wednesday 7-9 pm; all faiths welcome provided you're willing to change your faith.)) It's not because they didn't study hard enough, aren't smart enough, or driven enough, or confident enough, or because they couldn't even be bothered to take the SAT, or they wanted to attend a university which would confirm their world-view. Nope, it's not any of that. It's the Liberal Elitists again, and yes, fellow Real Christians, you should be angry, paranoid, and fearful. Any moment now Sonia Sotomayor or Elena Kagan could break into your home, confiscate your property in the name of the Supreme Court, and shove you and your loved ones into a cattle car on your way to Canada to eke out the rest of what would be left of your-now wretched lives on a collective farm in Alberta. And without so much as a Dr. Zhivago theme--how's that for a fine how-do-ya-do? 'Here's some federal stimulus money, oh, and by the way, we need to use your good pious daughters as Harvard sex slaves for minority students to redress the wrongs of slavery.'
Don't think it can't happen, they don't even have insurance co-pays there. (I went across the border once to by some duty-free Canadian vodka...not worth it.) Today it's free heart surgery, tomorrow you're living like a serf in Siberia. So yes, my friends, it is time to be very, very, very, very afraid. Heil Obama! You're next! You're next! You're next! You're next!
From The Department Of The Perfectly Obvious: Job Training Creates Jobs For Job Trainers And Not Much Else
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
An NYT reader's comment: "Organizations aren't racist, people are." Armies don't kill, people kill people. Nothing like discussions of racism to bring out the *worst* in people.
Friday, July 16, 2010
That's right, I said it: Mel Gibson is a classic case of Hollywood narcissism. So in spite of his reactionary Catholicism, the number of souls he saved with Passion of the Christ, or the collective "What the deuce?" I will get from the more polite readers of the NY Times, I can say that this is yet another case of modern Hollywood leading to...well, not exactly tragic...not really all that interesting...okay, how about this? Corrupt modern society--in conjunction with Hollywood--creates smug narcissists, exemplified by Mel Gibson. And by Mel Gibson I mean everyone in America who disagrees with me.
And I can definitely say these things, because my philosophy is one thing and that's definite. How else could I pull for an endless war with neither tangible results nor rational reason other than to overthrow a megalomaniac in a cold balance-of-power maneuver and advertise it as 'establishing freedom and democracy in the Middle East'?
In fact my philosophy is so definite, I don't even need to learn anything about science or understand it. All I need to do is take the results I like, even when the flaws are so obvious a 3rd grade science project runner-up could pick out the flaws. For example, some 3rd graders might ask, "How widespread were measurements of narcissism in the past?"; or, "How can you possibly compare past eras of widespread poverty and illiteracy to the modern America?" But who needs questions like these! Someone wrote in a book that there's more narcissism in the present than the past, and we all know that book publishers are above all concerned with reliable data.
Left: Example Of Published Book Chock-Full
Of Reliable Data
So as I address corrupt modern society--by which I mean the corrupt bastards who read the NY Times, listen to NPR, or watch PBS (all of which I appear on or at regularly) who lead corrupt filthy immoral degenerate lives of greed and self-interest and narcissism--I ask them to remember, please watch me on PBS, listen to me on NPR, read my column at the NY Times (and please buy a copy, you freeloaders), and buy my book, You Corrupt Filthy Degenerate Liberal Bastards Are Ruining America. America is counting on you. To listen to me.
And remember--there's no humility like fake humility. So the next time someone asks you how you're doing, choke down that self-love and say, "I deserve to die."
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Here are some really scary black people that want to kill your family and have their way with a real white woman. Chad, can you loop that video of black people in berets? We'll just call them the um, The Black Cheetahs. Are cheetahs really all that scary though? How about 'Black Wombats'? Wombats must be scary.
Okay, then, The Black Wombats are coming to rob your home, kill your family and take your daughters' innocence. At least that is the agenda implied by their berets.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
That's right. Now as you all can tell, I am a simple, humble sort of fellow who would never presume to know much of anything at all. But I can definitely tell you one thing because it is so perfectly obvious: There are two kinds of people. Unless there are three kinds of people. But we all know that there are two kinds of people. Because some people are different from other people.
And that is why we need to cut the deficit. Because hey, even if you're homeless and unemployed and you can't get a dime in unemployment from the insurance plan you've been paying into known as the "U.S. Government" while billions are funneled to corrupt genocidal maniacs across the world (and their subcontractors)....well hey, at least you're living in the greatest country in the world! Yay!
Seriously, look at me--I just wrote a column about how the world has both extroverts and introverts and I was paid in cold hard Yankee dollars. If I can write a column and get paid for it, it's plain as high noon in the Mojave desert in July that anyone can have a column and get paid for it. So that's my advice to the unemployed: Get off of your asses and write a column for a major newspaper or magazine or maybe even get a gig on Fox News. If I can do it, anyone can.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Yo, fellow Americans, Da Brooksmeister rappin’ at ya’ once more. Turns out there was a great and very scientific study about education: When children are given books, their test scores rise. Now I know what you’re going to say: “David, you wouldn’t know a mean from median if it was drilled into your skull with a carbon-steel bit.”
Well that maybe true—but since I start from the premise that I’m pretty much right about anything (and always right about everything), I have no need to really worry too much about factoids and data and whatnot. Because after all, this column is all about philosophy, and who the hell is going to waste their lives writing abstruse nonsense if they didn’t already know they had the answer?
But just to prove a point to the Ivy-League-educated-liberal-elites-who-run-the-world (doesn’t that sound nicer than “Jew”?), I gave my copy of Wealth of Nations to my hamster, Frederick The Great, and I have to say that so far he appears to be very intrigued by it. He’s constantly sniffing it, inspecting it, and tearing off bits for his bedding. I predict his reading ability is going to go through the roof.
Another thing that Science tells us about the Internet is that it cripples children’s social skills and attention span. For those of us raised before the Internet, we can recall--quite readily I’m sure--how those kids who read the most and spent the most time home alone with nary a girl in sight were also the happiest children. The more you read, the more friends you had and the more you were the envy of all the others. And this became even more true in high school—I’m sure we can all agree on that. Then the Internet came and now anyone can call me a twat on his blog, and he doesn’t even have to print them on a ditto machine for someone to read it. Well guess what asshole—I’m rich and you’re unemployed. So if a kid hates to read, just give him books to turn into mattress-bedding and he’ll become a great reader. And please suck my fat one, you filthy dirty unwashed liberal elitist bloggers. I have money, you don’t , and that must prove something.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Bristol Palin available to speak out against getting knocked up in the back of a GM pickup (for a mere $15,000 a pop). Now that's what I call CLASS, amigos.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Elections highlight challenges facing drug-scarred Mexico - Washington Post
Thank you for showing us the way, Mr. President. Thank you.
by Mr. Ipad
Have you seen a picture of a flower on an iPad? It's so fucking great you'll never want to see a real flower ever again. In fact you'll just want to fucking smash every flower you ever see because it'll be so fucking inferior.
And wait till you see iPad vaginas!
All subsequent vaginas will be agonizingly inferior!
You'll want to stomp those too! Yes, with the iPad, life will seem like a pale, dull, colorless sham.
So, um, buy an iPad and enjoy life. Because there is no life without an iPad. So let's face it, you may as well be fucking dead. Come on, just touch me, I want to be touched.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Some shithead talking to some other shithead about what a crazy shithead Michael Steel is--evidently he had said something really insane, such as trying to instill democracy in Afghanistan was a waste of time and money. "But what about National Security? There are some angry Muslims. With rifles! We have to fight them there for some reason that doesn't really make any sense but what if some illiterate Afghan peasant hopped on a plane, got off at JFK airport and then took his AK and began shooting the place up? And that's why we have to get rid of the Mexicans who mow my lawn. For freedom or whatever crap we're pushing today."