Sunday, January 31, 2010

Quotes Of Weeks Past



"Palin’s chipper visage, baseless certitude, utter obliviousness and
unwavering belief in her own destiny make her an ideal vessel for this
mounting white discontent. It’s perfect: blind faith meets blinding
frustration." --Charles Blow, NYTimes, 16.jan.2009

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Word Rape: “Classic”


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I really dislike that word, for various reasons. (such as) Here's my review of "Mildred Pierce": I wish my brain were like a hard drive, so I could delete all memory of this movie from it and why I was watching it in the first place. Of course, the problem is you might end watching it *again*. (I think I just infringed on about 20 dozen copyrights there....) (And it's called anterograde amnesia, look it up (I am not a crook etc.))
Apparently it plays into every woman's fantasy of having a psychopathic daughter and a great restaurant.

Chris Matthews To Be Spanked By Black Person

MSNBC blowhard Chris Matthews will be spanked by a black person today, according to a press release from the cable news channel.  “As Mr. Matthews said something really idiotic and probably racist, he will have to be publicly shamed by a medieval-style-ass-having.”  Commented Matthews, “Well, I’ve seen OZ, so it could be a lot worse.  Is this going to be a paddle or bare handed?  Where’s the negro?”

A Word Of Advice

by The Ghost of J.D. Salinger

image I'm just sick of hearing about how I became a recluse.  Here’s what I’ve decided: If you're famous, don't become a recluse--just please die.  Otherwise, all sorts of weirdos will be hounding you till the end of your days--and worse, they'll write endless pointless shit speculating as to your motives.  And even worse, some of  it will be published in newspapers, books and magazines.  And if that's not bad enough, they might even try make a movie about you, as though the problems of an accountant somewhere had anything to do with (for example) Greta Garbo.  And till the end their days, moviegoers will be thinking, "Geez, what a crock! And to think I actually paid to see that!  And not only is Ron Silver voting for Bush but he’s fat as well!"

So there you have it, reluctant celebrities. Just die if you're sick of the limelight.  Or write a really shitty book, sleep with unattractive women, go bowling, watch a lot of daytime television or better yet appear on daytime television or a 'reality' show and eventually, people will lose interest and just leave you alone.  Just don't do anything interesting such as marrying a beautiful actress or rollerskating on horseback or eating rats in a cave.  That will just pique the public's morbid interest, whereas if you simply disappear or look like a pathetic loser desperate for attention, everyone will become bored or uncomfortable merely by seeing your image in the news and thereafter shall strenuously avoid you.  Oh, and try not to rape any teen girls, the public will find that terribly interesting.

Yours In Christ, J.D. Salinger (yes, He is real, and yes, I am in Heaven, so suck it Christians)

P.S. Don’t write, I never answer fanboys.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

J.D. Salinger Finally Fucking Dead.

Thank god, we'll never have to hear another story about how he  became a celebrity recluse.  There can be no downside to this.

Haitian Woman Glad She's Not A Stressed-Out American Mother.

"Look at this Sandra Tsing Loh," she remarked, as holding up a copy of Mother On Fire.  "She must balance a very difficult career of having a family, an absentee husband, and bitching about how hard it is to have a family and an absentee husband while touring in her one-woman show and having to make new commentaries for National Public Radio all the time.  Can you imagine how hard that must be?"  When informed that Ms. Loh was now divorced and living apart from her family, this woman breathed a sigh of relief.  "Thank goodness, I was very concerned about her happiness.  Or was it that I could see my life in her words?" she mused aloud, as her 10 children made a stew of the book while sitting in a pile of rubble that had buried numerous other family members.  "I can but wonder....oh, the book it is in the stew now with the  twine and the melon rind....."

GOP To Obama: "You're Not My Real Father."

"Fuck you old man, I'm going to have beer with Poland!"

Obama to GOP: "Grow Up."

Woman Experiencing So Much Pain She Must Write A Book About And Possibly Go On Oprah

Sandra Tsing Loh Breakup Bonzo Naughty No No!

Is there anything better than writers/essayists who spend countless hours talking about life as if they knew more than anyone else and then they turn out to be screw-ups just like everyone else? Or seem perpetually honest but then that honesty turns out to be a self-serving narcissism, which is you ever heard them speak was pretty fucking obvious all along. (And there's something satisfying about a woman writing about motherhood and then doesn't even want custody but instead now writes about how awful marriage is and how she can't live with in the boundaries 'society' tries to confine her....So there's the secret of success--be a completely shameless, exploit family life as a source of 'creativity' and say whatever is most pleasing to your own ears. You'll find an audience somewhere.)

Obama Of A Thousand Days (more like 300) - alt.horror | Google Groups

Well fuck me in the ass and call me a bitch....Should've gone with someone with some BALLS for a change. Like Hilary. On the plus side, New Orleans will finally be under water *permanently*, and we'll no longer have to pretend anyone gives a shit about it.

Goodbye Sanity, Hello Booze.

Obama's State of the Union Address 2010

Should've gone with Hilary.


Monday, January 25, 2010

Funny People Not So Funny

Funny People - alt.horror

Any movie that has Seth Rogen running in slow motion is innately superior to any movie that does not have chubby Seth Rogen running in slow motion. And nothing you say or do will change that implacable reality of which you refuse to acknowledge (to your own detriment, "you" are the cause of "your" suffering, as the Buddha made clear fucking *years* ago, like what year was that like 1956 or something? Only facing reality without the ego can lead to inner salvation and maybe outer salvation as well but if outer salvation does not involve exchanging body fluids I'm not really interested.)

Observe & Report that, bitches.

Sunday, January 24, 2010



by Jane Austen

Hey, why the fuck do people fucking suck so much? Seriously, dude, this is giving the most serious deal of botheration.  Like this stupid mother fucker asking why people don't write long hand-written letters with a goose quill--what does this asshole think? That I enjoyed all of those long, lonely nights pouring my frustrated hopes and dreams into girlie books about meeting my dream man? I would have given my right tit for a Nintendo64--much less a PS3.  Of course we had no electricity so all I could have done would be to light a candle and write a novel about how I wish I had a 220 volt alternating current outlet so that I could play Donkey Kong.  Okay, it's getting dark now, and I really have to start a new chapter--it's about how this aging over-the-hill 30-year-old-matron finds love in a British country manor.  And if I don't have consumption by the end of  the year, it will have been a very good year after all.


Why Don't People Write Great Letters Like Jane Austen Used To Write?

HEALTH CARE: You're Not Really Attractive Enough For Me To Care About Your Cancer

So I'm putting up a picture of Penelope Cruz instead of yours on my blog.

Only God Can Abort A Baby!

Lo! Look ye up and see! His reasons for aborting babies are mysterious, unknowable, yet marvelous to behold.  We can only stand in awe of his all-knowing-decision-making whatnot.

Next Week: Why God Loves Malaria.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


Embrace The Mob!

by David Brooks

As long as that mob is white, christian, and votes Republican, then the must be respected. So vote monorail. And yes, some may criticize me for only being able to extract from science and global events what I want to see--but what is the point of philosophy if it doesn't prove what you like? Please, then you're doing science and relying on immoral empiricism, things which might not square with my pre-existing values. And I've made a pretty good career out of saying the same thing over and over, so why change now?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Trials of Gavin Newsom - Readers' Comments -

The Trials of Gavin Newsom - Readers' Comments ->Gavin Whozzat?

This is a nice change from the constant drumbeat of how Obama is ruining the country and how only the solid Midwestern values of an Australian with more concubines and little bastards scurrying about than an Ottoman prince can tell the truth and stick it to The (Black-Secret-Jew-Secret-Muslim-Secret-Nazi-Secret-Marxist) Man. We need some really fun news--surely there must be another latent homosexual man in the GOP. That's always good for a killer Daily Show segment.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Yes, I'm Smug, Stupid and Bald, But I'm On TV And You're Not

by David Brooks

That's right, I can go on and on about how reasonable and pragmatic President Obama is, but as usual, since I'm a shameless smug bastard compensating for being a bald sexless troll, I'll just do a 180 at the last minute and embrace the angry mob. After all, the American people are not always right, but their basic sense of equilibrium is worthy of the profoundest respect. After all, didn't Dr. Frankenstein respect the mob? No--and look what happened to him.

Of course, by Americans I mean Real Americans, by which of course I mean old white people who descended from those idealists who were able to grab the most from the stupid freedom-hating aborigines who refused to love democracy or invent machine-guns. It is these wondrous White Americans, the heirs of The Greatest Generation, who seldom knew want or need or racial discrimination--it is these wondrous folk who truly understand Freedom. Because if you've never experienced oppression, surely you then must know what freedom means. That is why the Queen knows more about Freedom than anyone.

And it is precisely this lack of experience with hardship and oppression that has led them to see that they not only do not have to do anything for anyone else--in fact, they should not do anything for anything else. Except to earn as much money as possible. So let's embrace this angry pitch-forked mob, this most unreasonable gathering of un-deprived heroes, this coddled lot who have banded together to bravely fight for their Medicare and Social Security benefits, who want their wars without paying for them, who want clean food and water without the slightest sacrifice, who want a civil society without paying for schools or hospitals or public health of any kind, who haven't any sight of a common good beyond their monthly pensions or benefits or any change in their tax return: These brave many who together stood up and screamed, "Me!", this Spoiled Generation. For they are the past but they vote a hell of lot.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Mass. Voters Ga Ga For Go Go GOPPER.

(AKA: Response to Little Fart Man.)
I'm dead certain that American is *not* filled with people who are completely ignorant of the cost of foreign wars--the dead, the maimed, the injured, the resources squandered on death and blood and hate--no, that can't be. And it certainly can't be that America is filled with voters who are only angry when their taxes might go up, or who only pay attention to politics when the rabble is roused by the propaganda machine that's been telling us for 4 decades now that all we have to do is cut taxes and everything will be hunky dory. So I'm sure these voters are reasonable, thoughtful people with carefully considered opinions.

Martin Luther King Day: What It Means To Me.

Anyway, it's reverse racism. Really, the guy never did anything except walk around, and then call it a "march". I march for freedom every day, please. Look, now I'm going to march around my bedroom. For freedom.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

An Odd Couple Defends Couples That Some (Oddly) Find Odd - Readers' Comments -

An Odd Couple Defends Couples That Some (Oddly) Find Odd - Readers' Comments - "Great--Mr. Olson gets weepy. I can just imagine Shrubya, Chenininski and the Solicitor General, staying up all night together, hearing the casualty reports, holding hands and all weeping together--just before wine the latest L-WORD. I'm so touched, it reminds me of my high school counselor trying to cop a feel, and have this urge to wash myself with bleach and a wire brush."

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Heaven's Gate News Feed

God Watches Fornicators Through Hole In Wall Of Motel Bathroom

Sarah Palin: "I Like All Of The Monotheistic Deities, But I Really Like Superman, He's Their Leader"

Pat Robertson: "Black People Still Scare Me And Are Probably All In League With The Devil"

Teen Fornication Fails To Lead To Natural Disaster In Des Moines

Gay Men Cause Bootyquake In Local Bar, Then Hurricane Strikes

Gay Man Watches Sex In The City, Causes Earthquake

Friday, January 15, 2010

Arnold's Last Yodel - Readers' Comments -

Arnold's Last Yodel - Readers' Comments - "Many posters made excellent points, especially that he came into office preaching Reaganomics--which I humbly suggest is the most prevalent religion of white baby boomers. An entire generation came of age without ever knowing that schools and roads need to be built and maintained, that garbage does not magically disappear once you toss it, that pollution always ends up somewhere, or that the basis of civil society was more than low taxes and a loaded shotgun under your bed. Every year it becomes more evident that 'Morning In America' was not a rallying cry as much as it was an early death rattle, the initial morning hack cough of a smoker who refuses to acknowledge that maybe his habits just might kill him. The Governator was just one more in a long line of such individuals, and anyone old enough to remember him in 'Pumping Iron' will probably see, more than anything, one more in a long line of individuals who just need to have other people look at them."

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Things That Proably Should Not Be True

AIDs Prevention Gel Fails In Trial

“While prostitutes can sometimes get men to use condoms, wives and lovers often  cannot, and may also want to get pregnant without being infected (nytimes,15.dec.2009).”


Terrifying Exploration Of Human Ethics Caused By Time-Travel And/Or Magic

In this film Gwyneth Paltrow faces a terrifying moral dilemma: Will you take money to press a button, knowing that some one you've never met will prematurely ejaculate on a first date?  

Google Blocks All Chinese Porn Sites


3D News: Drag Me To Hell.

Awesome--best movie of the year. James Cameron, you are a fucking genius. I thought that goat was going to leap out of the screen and suck my throbbing gristle--just like in my recurring nightly dream.

Thank you, James Cameron, for making us laugh about love--again.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Blogger: Dead Rodent Typing - Create Post

Hitler, Catholics Agree About Gay People.

BLOVIATION - SARAH PALIN: Reid's Remarks Unacceptable: Sarah Palin, the Voice of Reason has come to Fox News. Finally, I can feel safe. I'm sure she has many, many African-American friends from Alaska--and that's why it hurts her so much.


Local Man Still Doesn't Give A Shit About Fucking Leno Or Fucking Conan Or What The Fuck Ever.

OPINION - Dear Haitians: Suck My Fat One. "

Great editorial. I'm sick of people who expect water to be free of lead, roads to be paved, garbage to picked up, sewers to work, toilets to flush, schools to educate children, fire departments to put out fires, police to arrest criminals, and jails to be us safe from madmen. I'm sure 'Dr. Tim' never used any of those things. In fact, most Americans I know would rather die than use Medicare."

Best Summary of Republican Politics For Last 30 Years.

Ten Years Of Life Dedicated To Getting Municipal Pool Not Built | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "Ten Years Of Life Dedicated To Getting Municipal Pool Not Built"


Paul McCartney Admits Error: "Turns Out Money Can Buy Love After All, And I'm Really Really Sorry."

In a recent interview, Paul McCartney apologized for deceiving so many people for more than 4 decades with his unavoidable hit, Can't Buy Me Love--in which he unequivocally stated that money could definitely not buy love.  "Yes," he went on, "I realized that money can buy love before the song had even been released--specifically a Puerto Rican women I met through the doorman at the hotel--but  by that time it was too late to make any last minute changes."  Sir Paul looked about nervously, rubbed his hands together, and after a long, awkward pause, went on.  "You see,  the vinyl singles had already been printed and it was too late to make any  last-minute changes.  And then the song took off and it was just easier to keep living with the lie....Oh, oh my god, it's just so good to be able to let it out and let go of the guilt I've been carrying around all of these years, all of the lies and the shame and the darkness, thank you thank you thank you thank you Jesus!"

At this point, Sir Paul dropped to his knees, began weeping and began to babble something about converting to Sikhism but this report was ushered quickly out of the room by burly men acting burlishly.


The Dead Rodent--Supernova DialogueThe Dead Rodent--Supernova Papers: A Record of Exchanges Just Before The Apocalypse

Confucius said, "Familial devotion is great but keep receipts."  Is there a better authority on such matters? (Okay, there's the Torah, but who's got the time?)

The great thing about Confucius is that he distilled his wisdom into fortune cookies, which you can consume in bite-sized portions at your local PF Chang's (or other Chinese bistro).

Indeed, sir. This is why Judaism never went viral--no wants to eat a matzo ball that with a message such as "Keepest Thou The Sabbeth."

Heh, that's great! It's even funnier if you know what a matzo ball is (basically, it feels like you're eating an oatmeal meatball).


If you were in Haiti you'd be dead by now.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


That's right, lady--I can go to a different coffee shop and cry in their bathroom. And then you'll be sorry, won't you.

To Bob Herbert

Why, Mr. Herbert, are you so convinced that school administrators are the ones to do this job? Where do the kids with the most problems end up? Special Ed. And what is Special Education? It's a dumping ground where the parents expect miracles and administrators want to avoid lawsuits--because by and large, they are smarmy, mealy-mouthed bureaucrats (only way to keep your job really)--not really the type to take on The Man or The System. All that really matters is to look as though something is being done, shuffle papers back and forth and hole IEP meetings (if goals are not met, move the goalpost) and give in to the mediocrity. Do you seriously expect change from people who rise in their careers by avoiding unpleasant truths, writing useless mission statements, or concocting the meaningless-buzzword-laden-gibberish-witches-brew known as "teaching standards"? I think not. It's the kind of system that drives good people away, because when you realize how useless it is to actually try to accomplish anything at all, your choices are to either get out or stick with it because you have tenure--but do as little as possible. As they say in China, he who sticks his head out will have it chopped off. So there you have it. So please give it up about how education administrators will be our saviors?

Monday, January 11, 2010


I knew these things could play movies--but look at this! What marvels
await future denizens of this Earth! What miracles! Movable type? The
printing press? EXCALIBUR AND HUZZAH!

Aw, Ain't It Cute?

The Tel Aviv Cluster - Readers' Comments - "\'The Jewish faith encourages a belief in progress and personal accountability.\' I love your columns--they remind me of when I was 12 and it was such fun to think broad generalizations were the same as establishing cause and effect. Keep it up, the kids need to know they don't need to be good at what they do to succeed."

Things Which Cannot Be Improved Upon (Or: Sometimes Satire Just Writes Itself).

John Yoo (not Woo) on the torture memos:

Interviewer: Did you regret writing the so-called torture memos, which claimed that President Bush was legally entitled to ignore laws prohibiting torture?

Response (remember, these are actual quotes):

No, I had to write them.

It was my job.

As a lawyer, I had a client.

The client needed a legal question answered.

Now that sounds pretty serious to me, especially when you look at it in a scary font:
No, I had to write them.

It was my job.

As a lawyer, I had a client.

The client needed a legal question answered.

But what happens when you put them into a cute font with a funny border?

No, I had to write them.

It was my job.

As a lawyer, I had a client.

The client needed a legal question answered.


Looks a bit better, don’t you think?  A bit more reasonable? Now, let’s add something else to reduce the threat level:

No, I had to write them.

It was my job. 

As a lawyer, I had a client.

The client needed a legal question answered.


Wow—I’m astounded.  We cut & pasted a move from the Josef Stalin playbook, mixed it with coconut oil and high-fructose corn syrup, and now it’s ready to rammed down America’s throat.




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Hey Y'all, Let's Talk About Whether Jesus Will Forgive Tiger Woods!


little_fart_man  by Self-Righteous Little Fart

Should Fox News Broadcaster Brit Hume be telling us which religion would be best for Tiger Woods? Of course, he should—why do you thing Fair & Balanced News was invented? To build schools for the children of hell-bound heathens?  Still, we are plagued with the misfortune of religious freedom in this country, all because of some bleeding-heart commie Quakers no doubt, but that’s no longer the issue.  There is everyone who reads the New Testament, and there’s Every One Else.  Even Mexicans read it. (It’s true—they even built churches.  Saw them on vacation once—big pyramid things, I think they’re called pyramids.)

Okay, we all have to admit one thing—and so do they: Jesus will forgive you. He will forgive you anyway, anytime, anywhere, any sin, any orifice. We all know that because we've been told that by other people. And if they believe it, should not we believe it as well? Take a gander at Brit Hume--one look at him and you know that this guy is running on nothing but spite--just an aging ball of bitter that can suck the joy out of any life-form. But don't you think Jesus will forgive him? Can I get a hell yeah?

Of course I can.

Therefore, it follows logically, since I know that I will be forgiven, and that Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Zoroastrianists and college professors will not forgiven, and because I read a book about Buddhism once or sat through a documentary about it (nothing on HBO that night probably), I therefore have no need to learn what Buddhism means or does not mean to its 200-500 million adherents.  Becau se I already know the facts, I do have to learn the facts. Because I was told the facts by other people who are very reliable sources (mom and dad).  And therefore, I can say with certainty that I have no problem with advocating Christianity in our sadly far-too-liberal-democracy which does not want to be reminded constantly of how we are all wretched sinners, utterly vile and worthless in His Eyes of He Whom Created Us For Some Damn Reason Maybe Because He Loves Us So Much,, and that is why we must be redeemed by the Redeemer.  Oh, you can redeem your coupons till kingdom come, but only He can your redeem your soul. 

Finally (deep breath): Just because I’m a sinner does not mean I cannot be self-righteous little fart of a man.  Quite the contrary.  By judging everyone else, I’m trying to do God’s work, which is make everyone aware of what horrible wretches, a sickening, revolting, repulsive God-fart.  You only have to read my essays to see that.  And if that does not terrify you to turn towards Jesus—nothing will.

Your Pal In Christ,
Ross Douthat


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Sunday, January 10, 2010

SOCIAL SKILLS HOW-TO (by bitter spiteful vengeful bastard)

Suspected Pedo Pediatrician Never Reported By Colleagues Or Co-Workers.
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What they are likely to find is a lot of fingerpointing, but few willing to accept much, if any, responsibility. For example, officials who oversee the Board of Medical Practice claim they never received any complaints until after the arrest. State law requires all medical professionals, state agencies, and law enforcement agencies to report to the licensing board in writing within 30 days if they believe a doctor is or ''may be'' guilty of unprofessional conduct.
(read it here)

Tonight on BBC4

Life: Comedy or tragedy? Or a bit of both?

Get Ready For HBO Thrills!

Yes, a new series on premium cable channel HBO is soon to be reveled. It concerns two rival high school basketball teams. Can you guess what the fucking twist is? No, not in million
years could you ever guess--in one team is composed of werewolves, the
other, vampires. And they have relationship problems. And we'll probably make the girls' basketball teams, so we can get some cheap lezzie-locker-room thrills. Thanks for reading and don't forget to watch HBO till your eye sockets leak blood.

Saturday, January 9, 2010


TO THE CLIQUE: THE COW HAS ESCAPED FROM THE BARN. THE COW HAS ESCAPED FROM THE BARN. REPEAT: THE COW HAS ESCAPED FROM THE BARN. ALSO: Bob and Susan just had a beautiful baby girl, Amanda, yesterday, so let's all give them a hand and wish them many years of happiness! Phil and Sati just got engaged--good luck you two knuckleheads! C'ya @ the wedding!TO THE CLIQUE: THE COW HAS ESCAPED FROM THE BARN. THE COW HAS ESCAPED FROM THE BARN. REPEAT: THE COW HAS ESCAPED FROM THE BARN. ALSO: Bob and Susan just had a beautiful baby girl, Amanda, yesterday, so let's all give them a hand and wish them many years of happiness! Phil and Sati just got engaged--good luck you two knuckleheads! C'ya @ the wedding!


Ah, Mr. Bond, Delighted To Meet You Once More—Before You Die

by Dr. Killie McKill

It will indeed be a pleasure to watch you die. And now I will kill you in an unnecessarily complicated way which will allow me to give the audience some much needed exposition, as well as giving me a chance to give Alan Rickman a run for his money.  Now simply let me fiddle with these dials, knobs, and other gizmos as I manipulate this machine that I have fiendishly devised to vivisect, castrate, disembowel, decapitate, crush, squeeze, plastic-wrap and freeze dry its victims. In the meantime, please take the opportunity to leer at my sexy assistant with whom you earlier doubtless shared a degrading yet pleasureable experience of lust and who is for some reason wearing a tantalizing low-cut lab coat. Betcha' you didn't even know they made those things did you? Well, I had them specially ordered from Hong Kong. Ah, Hong Kong, lively city--a pity everyone living there will now be forced to eat only American food--devilish, isn't it? All those fatties might just sink the damn island--but no matter. You and your colleague from the Outer Mongolian Plateau Security Services will be, hmmm, how shall I say, taken care of yes. Ah yes, very well cared for. That's correct, I know all about your little friend Miss Sarangerel Erdenetungalag Tsetsegmaa Smith-Jones. And of course all about your degrading experiences with her while you promised her your undying love--but neglecting to mention the active gonorhhea you recieved in Hanoi last summer, hmmmm? Yes, in fact she thought I was working for her, but she was really working for me--mostly filing and light typing, a little time at the reception desk and some overtime assassination. This machine is really taking quite a long time to warm up, and I have a very important phone call from Verizon, and I cannot pass up this opportunity to save on my long-distance calls. So I bid you adieu, Mr. Bond. I fear we shall not, ha ha, meet again? "What's that? $50 dollars a month less on my calls to North Korea? That would be marvelous...."


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Friday, January 8, 2010


michael steele

GOP Chairman Michael Steele: "I'm the fucking pimp."

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Get A Blast Of Gun Truth In Your Face

by gunZtoLUV
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QUICK GUN FACTS Derived from Gun Facts by Guy Smith FACT: The non-gun homicide rate for children in the U.S. is more than twice as high than other western countries. Eight times as many children die from non-gun violent acts than from gun crimes.

I can only speak for myself but I am relieved to discover that when someone beats the shit out of his kid, he usually doesn't need a gun. Terribly relieved.


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Things that are totally true. 

            by David Brooks

You know what terrifies me? No, it’s not those tea-partied-brownshirts bursting their fucking mid-cerebral arteries like so many rabid dogs in a simultaneous fit of apoplexy brought on by the appearance of their local congressman or an Obama poster.  No, it’s not the mercury in the ocean, the greater and greater mounds of toxic waste everywhere, the not-so-toxic waste shrinking our testicles, the untoxic waste that’s not toxic but will be sitting around for ages like those bent paper clips that live in your desk drawer like permanent refugees.  It’s certainly not the soldiers who needlessly are maimed, killed, damaged for life by The Previous Admin (ever resolute and steadfast, I am certain that he remains steadfast and resolute in defending everyone of his decisions as correct—especially about giving up burgers and donuts) (rest easy, dear reader, for I don’t worry a single whit about them).  It’s not the extinction of those worthless fucking leaf-munching gorillas or those nasty shit-slinging orangutans.  It’s not what might be in our drinking water or antibiotic resistance or unemployment or swamps of liquified ungulate shit polluting rural towns.  Nope. Not a single one of those. 

And let’s face it: We need to stick to the educated elite.  People who think they might know be smarter than the common man.  Anyone who went to Harvard (Bush), knows what a concerto is, can play the violin, has a doctorate in mathematics or computer science or understands a Mystery Science Theater episode.  These people have been overeducated into an incredibly dangerous belief system, where in we live on a planet of finite resources and finite wealth, where the benefits of economic growth must be balanced with a concern for the ecosystem in which we live.  They are dangerous to our American way of life.  They would have us sorting our trash instead of simply dumping it where we would never have to look at it again (say, Nigeria?)—saving lives instead of shooting bullets—building schools instead of dropping bombs—limiting population instead of creating slave labor for us—putting limits on Americans.  Which is what makes them UNamerican. (That’s correct—they don’t even deserve the capital ‘A’.Commie bitches.)

And now Hollywood reveals itself for what it is.  Self-hating white people who make anti-white movies such as Avatar.  These hate-spewing liberals such as James Cameron are interested in only one thing: Using power and wealth to spread the hatred of white people.  Look at how Avatar romanticizes illiteracy and ignorance! The White Messiah arrives and aids the simple, beautiful savages against the encroachment of civilization, of schools, colleges, learning, engineering aircraft that can unload a heat-seeking missile right on some vociferous cleric's ass….  Anyway, what the deuce was I on about?  Something about how the Educated Elite hates literacy, I think….Was that it? Sure, why not? I have a deadline too.

Hell, who doesn’t love the tea-partiers?  I don’t strictly approve of them—but they do resent the Educated Elite—the smug bastards, writing better books than mine, better columns than mine, having better-looking friends, getting higher grades in school and more sticky stars next to their names—and the mindless hatred those who are brighter and more talented and creative just fine with me.  Unless dirty illiterate savages are doing it.  In which case I’m really against it.  And just look at my face—could unpleasant little fart of a factoid penetrate that smug self-righteousness?  So far…fuck no.  That’s right, you got that smiley face sticker on “How I Spent My Summer” in third grade, Lisa. But who’s laughing now? I’m writing for the Times and not even I can figure that one out. Who’s laughing now! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  



Online Dating: Creating Efficacious Economies of Scale with Ever-lowering costs of labor and mechanization.;

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Arts & Culture

George Lucas greatest toy manufacturer who ever lived.



Best Ever Letter-to-the-Editor Title:

“An Appalling Sight at Auschwitz”,05 Jan 2010

Art & Culture

Spike Lee No Longer Able To Interest Anyone Or Sell Overpriced Sneakers Made By Slave Children, Still Able to Suck Joy Out of Room And Wear Glasses.



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Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Bush Still Pretty Sure He Did A Pretty Good Job.


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What is Internet Dating?  

Internet dating: Let’s begin with what it is not.  It is not like a journey into The Heart of Darkness—rather, it is a journey into Your Heart of Darkness.  It is indeed ‘Nature, red in tooth and claw.’ You have looked down at the the monster and now seeing it stare back at you—or is that your own reflection?  It's something too horrible for glance at for a moment, much less gaze upon, and yet like some hapless traveler stranded in a wasteland, still you are tortured by enticing visions of flowing water in the distance—still you must peer again and again—for against hopelessness still you breathe and therefore hope there still must be.  Or so you tell yourself.  But that passes and then again you wonder if what you see is a mirage or a nightmare.  Or is it real? This question you ask yourself and scream in anguish and horror.  Visions of blind darkness-dwellers in a cave, groping and grasping and gnawing and fighting for every last bit of sustenance and joy begin haunting your dreams, and then, your waking hours, until you hate everyone everywhere, all women, all men, even your DVD collection becomes.  Time and space lose all meaning as you sense every step will be your last.  You realize it will not be long till you shall perish from exhaustion or a chance misstep off a precipice.  And then, at long last, it is over—your ISP cancels your service for hosting too much lezzie porn.

Only then do you finally collapse to the floor, helpless to move, and a concerned neighbor or relative might find you before you expire.  And it is then that you can see that Love is beautiful, beautiful light, more awe-inspiring than the the Aurora Borealis or the rings of Saturn, and  that is precisely when a sweaty fat guy clobbers you with a baseball bat and takes off with your wallet and drives off in your car.

During your prolonged recuperation, you can only assume that when Lovecraft spoke of his visions of the Old Ones, he really meant  The truth, of course, is that Internet dating websites were initially conceived--if not actually created by--Nazi scientists working with concentration camp doctors and dentists.  And you will have a great deal of time to think of such things….Recovery is long, slow, and difficult, requiring many months of rest and recuperation at a British country manor, on a veranda and buried under many layers of wool, slowly sipping very dilute tea in your enfeebled state, staring blankly for countless hours at the lawn and shrubbery maze, reading Byron or Homer or Richard Dawkins and trying to forget the horror.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

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Evangelical Christians Still Concerned About Where Your Dick Is

Evangelical Christians dedicated curers of homosexuality Scott Lively, Caleb Lee Brundidge and Don Schmierer were spent time in Uganda in March 2009 (cite) inflaming hatred of those who do not follow local customs with respect to dick-orifice juxtaposition. According the the NY Times, "thousands of police officers, teachers and politicians" were warned about the threat of gayness posed to "Bible-based family values." The now enlightened Ugandan government has recently instituted a more enlightened, progressive measure: Rather than simply put a homosexual in jail, they will now be subject to capital punishment. However, Ugandan Prime Minister took a reassuring stance: "Please do not be too concerned, there will be plenty of opportunities for any such deviants to be raped and sodomized by good Christian prisoners and their guards prior to their well-deserved execution."

When asked for comment, spiritual leader of the Christian faith, Jesus H. Christ, refused to speak directly about the subject. "Lookie here folks, I'm really fed up with these stupid questions. It's all in the book if you bother to read it. I gave you not peace but a sword and behold the lilies of the field etcetera etcetera. It's all pretty fucking clear to me. So why don't you get it? Eh wot?"

Monday, January 4, 2010

The World Reacts: Jon Stewart Confesses to Missing Paystubs, Receipts from 1984

"But I still have the tax returns somewhere," said the beloved Daily Show host in a public statement. Americans seemed unconvinced. "How can I trust a man who doesn't have every number he's ever used?" cried out Fox News Bloviator Bill O'Reilly, shrieking in a howl of pain and horror like a wounded animal trying to crawl to a warm hole in which to die. "Would you trust a man who doesn't ask us to kill abortionists and loses receipts?" Another man who refused to give his name fell to his knees upon hearing that news and screamed, "NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH." He then began knashing his teeth and pulling tore out his hair, waving at imagined demons and shouted, "This isn't topical!"

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Something from Somewhere about Someone or Somebody.

An obit of economist Paul Samuelson,regarding former pupil (and ex-Ayn Rand devotee) Milton Friedman: "You can take the boy out of the cult, but you can't take the cult out of the boy."
And they say scientists can't be funny--au contraire! In fact, Benny Hill was an MIT drop-out. In an interview from 2001, Samuelson recalled him fondly: "He was a very promising candidate, and his idea of employing 20th century topologies as a tool to incorporate human behavior into an all-embracing theory of market dynamnics and sociology seemed at one time to hold great promise, but his dissertation was never completed. Turned out the old chap was actually just sitting in his office for days on end, drawing nipples in the margins of academic journals and making obscene phone calls to Vassar.