Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Please Do Not Keep Primates In Your Home.

--By A. Gorilla
There have been many sad cases where sharing a home with a human that they loved but then turned into deadly--but all too predictable--tragedy.  Please remember that humans are extremely dangerous. While young, humans are cute and adorable.  However, they can appear calm and docile for years and then without warning attack! They are known to be very clever and able to open locks, use simple tools and even firearms. Humans also possess sophisticated communication and planning skills, enabling them to act as a frenzied group.  Frequently, when one human becomes violent, many others will imitate or should I say ape (sorry, a little primate humor there) that human, and they will carry senseless destructive acts en masse.  In brief, humans are dangerous creatures and one should never allow them to move about freely in your home.  If you see a human, please notify the proper authorities and let them handle it as they are trained to do so.  Under no circumstances should you ever feed a human; remember, they can turn on you at  any time and cannot be trusted under any circumstances.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Opinion: Guest Columnist Rapie McRape.

Hi, folks, shout out to all my peeps out there. I gotta say, theres a lot of shitty biatchs out there. Like why is it that if you have a little too much to drink, end up having a bit of nonconsensual sex, and then all of a sudden some ho starts running around town calling you a "rapist." What about all of those other days where I didn't rape anyone?  And before you know it, everyone is yelling "rapist!" at you: The police, the district attorney, your mom...Please, I'm a gentleman--it's not as though I tossed out of a moving car or left her in a ditch. I gave her a back rub afterwards (totally consensual), mixed her an appletini,  and told her I still thought she was pretty. Although I wouldn't go out with her again because she's a whore. But that's aside the point.  Yes, there were a few tears, a bit of crying, a rape kit, but hey! Let's not make a mountain out of a molehill! You hear me, Veronica? We cool? We cool, right? 

We better damn well be cool or I'll cut your ass bitch.

Your pal, 
Rapie McRape.

Fake-ass Rapper Guilty of Being Fake-ass Rapper

Rap fans around the world were horrified to learn that rapper Rick Ross was in fact a certified public accountant, Ross Rossowitz of Hoboken, NJ.  Even worse, he has never killed, raped, assaulted, or maimed another human being.  Mr. Ross issued a public apology today, admitting that it was true that "I'm not a felon," and "deeply regretting" and harm he has caused to any of his fans by not having harmed others.