Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Mitt Romney, Liberal Icon - Readers' Comments -

Mitt Romney, Liberal Icon - Readers' Comments -

Well, we all know that only undesirables come down with communicable diseases such as TB, we know that antibiotic resistance is a myth spread by elitists who claim to be 'scientists' who 'know things' (while really just giving us plain folks the high hat), that vaccines are a conspiracy to give Real Americans brain damage. So why would we care about health care for all Americans (most of whom are not of the Real American variety anyway--you know who you are).

Worst April Fools' Quip Ever.

Tiger Woods' Moral Hazard
"Be honest. This is a moral litmus test. In fact, it’s a test for all of America — a test of where our moral consciousness is these days."
Very bizarre, but apparently the author was serious, as it was posted on March 30 of this year.

Tiger’s Moral Hazard - Opinionator Blog - "When Tiger Woods tees up his Nike golf ball at the first hole of the Masters next week, will you be wishing him well? Or will you hope he yanks his drive into the pines and spends four days trudging toward the searing defeat that, in your view, he richly deserves? Be honest. This is a moral litmus test. In fact, it’s a test for all of America — a test of where our moral consciousness is these days."

What Does It Mean to Be a Good Wife? - Readers' Comments -

What Does It Mean to Be a Good Wife? - Readers' Comments -

Does anyone bother to edit these articles, or try to ensure that they are logically coherent in some fashion with external reality? Did history begin in 1950, as in, "those days" to which the author referred. I'm sure it's horrible to be upper middle-class and oppressed. This is what I've learned: All we can be sure of is that the Dark Ages of WASP women must have been around 1950-1959. At some point they crawled out of the tunnels and muck in which they lived like, emerged into the light, dumped their white aprons for law degrees, and now we live in a world in which one person will never try to control another. Whatever myth works for you, I suppose.


Corpses are ASKING FOR IT.  Have you seen how they dress PROVOCATIVELY? Trying to fill my head with evil thoughts about what TROLLOPS they are?

Black Widows

Russia’s Fear of Female Bombers Is Revived - "The tactic expanded in subsequent years. Women adorned in billowy black robes and strapped with explosives made up 19 of the 41 captors in the October 2002 hostage taking in the Moscow theater, which ended when Russian special services released a sleep-inducing gas into the building.

When soldiers entered the auditorium they reportedly, as a first precaution, shot dead the Black Widows where they lay, lest they wake up and explode."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

White hunter, fake tan. White hunter, fake tan.

False Charges of Racism, Tanning Edition - Paul Krugman Blog -

How To Write A David Brooks Column

It's really pretty simple--after all, any bias can easily be wrapped in some veneer of superficial pretense of logic.
So just start off with some kind of crap that sounds slightly plausible, say, "Norwegians are more individualistic and therefore better skiers than the Congolese who just like to cut off each others' limbs."  Then find some worthless anecdote--people love anecdotes--about how, say, a Norwegian got caught in a bear trap, gnawed off his foot and then hopped 50 miles to the nearest hospital.  And then remain completely oblivious to all of the obvious contradictions.  "No snow in Congo," you say? Damn, how do you know? You ever been there? You think Wikipedia is 100% accurate? You ever meet anyone from the Congo? Hell no! (Well I haven't, and that's good enough for me.)  Then toss off a few quotes from some obscure theologian that 99.9% of Americans could care less less about than a rat's farthing for an extra polish of respectability, and cash your paycheck from the New York Times.  And next week: Write the same easily falseafiable crap again. And cash your check. And moreover, since you write for the NY Times, you automatically have creds, so you will be invited on to all of the Liberal Commie Far Left Media--NPR, PBS, etc.--as some sort of expert on something, wherein you can spew the same utter crap and the commentators can't even be bothered to grill you on your opinions, as though you were offering facts rather than half-baked opinions, such as 'Americans love independence too much to want health care.' (Although that's probably most of cable news today.)   Wait--it get's better! And then at the last minute, you can change your argument, from 'wow the american people are too american for this un-american bill dammit,' to 'Golly Jeepers this bill won't control health care costs and that's why the Republicans had to vote against it even though they had an entire year to do something and wouldn't except to give Obama a big middle finger but hey they're just being REAL AMERICANS. Not like the fakey elitists who drink wine and look down on REAL AMERICANS while giving them the HIGH HAT.'

9 Teenagers Are Charged After Classmate’s Suicide -

I think the most horrifying part of this story, and bullying in general, is the cowardice and mediocrity and apathy of uncaring adults. Which one will see any day in any school. Dead Rodent Typing

9 Teenagers Are Charged After Classmate’s Suicide -

Sunday, March 28, 2010

In Defense Of Pope Benedict

by William Bennett

Okay, let's get this straight. So there was a bit of rape going on and no one could be buggered to do something about it. At least those kids were attending mass and reading the Gospel. Can you imagine how fucked up it would be if they hadn't gone to mass? What a mess they would be! Besides, is rape mentioned in the Ten Commandments or the Seven Sins? I don't think so, but who really knows, as I'm a giant blowhard who never thinks twice before shooting off his mouth--and since I have the support of other giant blowhards and assorted morons of various ilks, your opinion doesn't matter. Only the opinions of Real Americans. Maybe if we didn't have to spend so much time bombing abortion clinics or going to Gambler's Anonymous, we would have time to worry about rape. But until that time, let's make it clear that the real problem facing America is a decline in values. In my day a kid would get raped, no one would talk about it, and we could shun and exclude anyone who was different. We had values. [sigh] Those were the days.



Dear Pope

Dear Pope: Yes, maybe I did do a bit of rape on the side with handicapped children--but I'm really, really, sorry and it won't happen again. (Didn't Monty Python do this sketch decades ago? And now the Pope has to steal from them? Shameful.)
Op-Ed Columnist - A Nope for Pope - "The cardinal did not answer. The archbishop wrote to a different Vatican official, but Father Murphy appealed to Cardinal Ratzinger for leniency and got it, partly because of the church’s statute of limitations. Since when does sin have a statute of limitations?"

Things That Are A Total Crock Of Shit

Into the breach yet again, and we are up to our elbows in crap...

For example: This example from the New York Times Play Time Is Over.

Now that most children no longer participate in this free-form experience — play dates arranged by parents are no substitute — their peer socialization has suffered. One tangible result of this lack of socialization is the increase in bullying, teasing and discrimination that we see in all too many of our schools.
Indeed, go into any school and what do you see at recess? Do children interact with each other? Of course not. They simply sit and stare at the sky and wait for someone to switch on youtube or Spongebob or what have you, as there brains have been lobotomized by years of Internet usage and cable TV. How will they ever experience the joy of sitting quietly in church, listening to a boring guy drone about whatever he feels like talking about? And what of the thrill of singing hymns and repeating prayers one doesn't understand? How deprived children are today!

Bullying has always been with us, but it did not become prevalent enough to catch the attention of researchers until the 1970s, just as TV and then computers were moving childhood indoors. It is now recognized as a serious problem in all the advanced countries....One tangible result of this lack of socialization is the increase in bullying, teasing and discrimination that we see in all too many of our schools.
Okay, I was completely wrong. This is completely true. When we compare studies of bullying and thuggery from 1900 to 2010, we can see that rate of larger children abusing smaller children was at 0% in 1900! Versus 75% in 2010! And the same is true of rape, child abuse, homosexual relations, and in fact all sexual relations. Nobody had sex in 1900, and now everyone's doing it (except me). I don't think African-Americans or Latin-Americans existed before 1900 either, except as amusing caricatures.

For children in past eras, participating in the culture of childhood was a socializing process. They learned to settle their own quarrels, to make and break their own rules, and to respect the rights of others. They learned that friends could be mean as well as kind, and that life was not always fair.
Yes, you learned that no one gives a shit about other peoples' problems, especially school administrators, especially problems that involve one group of children punching out one child in an alley. (What exactly is their function? Other than to say, "That's not our problem." That probably is their only function.) Anyway, as a crisis counselor, my first response to a rape victim was, "Well, life ain't fair you know."
But let's not get carried away by nostalgia. The important thing to remember is that you should latch on to an idea, e.g. technology = bad for kids, and then just keep repeating that idea for as long as and as loud as you can. And maybe, just maybe, you'll get tenure and perhaps some people will be gullible enough to listen to you. And don't we really all want someone to listen to us--even it's someone as gullible, foolish and stupid as ourselves. I learned that on the playground because no one would fucking listen to me.

Jesus Wept

Technorati Tags:


Is Technology Destroying The Internet?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

CINEMA CORNER: Let The Right One In

Really engrossing. Best coming-of-age film EVER?

(Although I always hated it when my girlfriend turns out to be one of
the undead and just want you as another Renfield--what the hell is this,
TWILIGHT? Typical woman....fickle bitches...bah.)

("You think they're *all* bitches. But I'M THE REAL THING.")

Friday, March 26, 2010


Carradine Sings! Lugosi Dances!
Um, but not in this movie...

The really weird thing about this, is that some of the dialogue seems to have been lifted word-for-word by the auteur of Manos:The Hands Of Fate, as
well as some of the corresponding shots (Mainly, thinking of the Torgo-Margaret confrontation, it's eerily similar to the Lugosi-blonde hypnotization scene. Could Ralph P. Warren have seen it like a whole bunch of many times when he was a kid or
somehow have a copy on 16mm? Or was it just a load of overused cliches found in every B horror film of the 40s/50s?

Also noteworthy is that 'Disembudio' sings "Night Train To Mundo Fine" over the end credits--the excuse being that John Carradine was in this turkey as well as RED ZONE CUBA (listed on IMDB as "Night Train To Mundo Fine".)

I think all the music fans here will appreciate John Carradine's greatest
vocal performance ever.

Also note worthy in that John Carradine plays a total spazz, badly enough
that yes it is funny. We can see now why he was never seen in these
PeterLorre type roles ever again. (Okay, that I know of--let's hope he

Thursday, March 25, 2010

And Now We Doff Our Respective Caps To: Christian Bimbos.

I'm hoping "doff" is the equivalent of "take off", and not "put on", but really could anyone care?
Okay, back to Christian bimbos.  There they are, they really make the effort to look pretty and glamorous and yet somehow innocent, and even with their children in tow you can't really imagine them ever having sex or certainly not enjoying it. Yet there they are all the same, radiating femininity, prettiness, and no-I've-never-changed-my-own-motor-oil, all in one bubbly, happy, cheerful Jesus-loving package, a walking advertisement for every over-the-counter beauty enhancement product known to humankind.  And of course, we must include a photo of The Ultimate Jesus Freaky Bimbo Of All Time without which no mention of them would be complete: And of course I mean sweet, adorable, squeaky-clean Kathy Ireland.  We salute thee Ms. Ireland!
(A joke about with what will be saluted and fired is so obvious that I'm just going to skip it.)

Please enjoy my exlusive Jon Polito erotica gallery--only@deadrodentyping!

Why The Hell Is It That...?

Many Americans seem to be terribly concerned that some snooty-know-it-all is trying to give them The High Hat.

Behind Consumer Agency Idea, a Tireless Advocate - Readers' Comments -
From comment #105: "But in her present position she comes across as another Ivory Towered Academic who wants to lecture and scold."
So why the hell is it that so many Americans sound like (Miller's Crossing's) Johnny Caspar, complaining about some one giving them "the high hat"? Oh, you got yourself some mouth on you, with your high hat and year starched collar and your fancy-pants college degree and your rational thoughtiness, aintcha, mistah.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Bush 43 Just Knows History Will Validate Him

"Did you know Abraham Lincoln had critics too? Betcha' didn't know that, didya?"

Tiger Woods Cock Update

Sadly, there is now new news regarding this reclusive male sexual organ in spite of 24 hour surveillance by the media. Nor has it been willing to speak publicly. What does it want? Where will it go next? What are its demands? Are we safe from it?

There are simply too many unknowns for us at the present time. We must remain vigilant and alert until we have a full explanation by the penis, and until that time, we can only hope and pray that the media shall keep us safe by maintaining a constant watch over Tiger Wood's $2000 trousers. That zipper could come down anytime, America! Stay safe! And keep watching the skies! (And the trousers!)

A Cold War Spy Craft, the Updated U-2 Dodges Retirement -

"U-2 Spy Plane Evades the Day of Retirement"
Surely This Is...

Wonderful News For The Little Boy In All Of Us Who Wants To Fly And Maybe Also Watch Women Undress From 50,000 feet (And Maybe Also Take Pictures Of Putin's Cock And Post It On The Internet With The Possilbe Caption, "Look at his tiny penis! We knew it all along!").


However, I still feel we are *light-years* from....
implementing a dystopian society in which individuals are free from disease, hunger, and have too much spare time to love and create and dream while mindless-robot-machines do all of the grunt work, and in which unfortunately gun ownership is severely restricted to people who are certifiably sane.

Who the hell would want to live in a crazy world like that?
Op-Ed Columnist - Fear Strikes Out -

Op-Ed Columnist - Fear Strikes Out -

Op-Ed Columnist - An Absence of Class in the G.O.P. -

Op-Ed Columnist - An Absence of Class in the G.O.P. -

I think Mr. Herbert has a point. You'd never have seen Charles II kicking someone with Parkinson's Disease. Hell, he might have even tossed a copper or two at the poor bastard--perhaps a quid if his carriage had mowed him down, even. (On the other hand, the Tea Party *might* be on to something--if you have a degenerative disorder, aren't you basically asking for it? I mean, why not do your country a favor and crawl to die? I'm sure no Tea Party People would disgrace America by dying a slow, agonizing death. Hey, whatever "tea" makes you into a self-righteous and obnoxious moron--I'm there.

Monday, March 22, 2010

"I'm On A Blimp, Bitch"

HEALTH CARE: The End Is Nigh

Yes, heath care passed (again)...

Health care of some sort passed through some parliamentary orifice of some sort.  Expect at least a week of collective pants-crapping hystrionics until The Next Thing That Will Destroy Our Values occurs. (Criswell predicts an Obamagaffe when the president bows to someone where bowing is still a custom.  Doesn't he know? America bows to *no* man.  Shrubya would never hold hands with a *muslim*...except for all of those photos of him holding  hands with a muslim. Who just happens to control half of the oil supply in the fucking world.)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Armed Society Not Only Impolite, But Sometimes Just Plain Fucking Rude.

Shooting unsettles Utah neighborhood -

Ye Newe Printing Press: Shall It Killeth Our Childrynes, Our Values And Our Civilization?

Gutenberg: Does He Want To Kill Thine Children And Thine Kine?

The greatest threat to our children since the invention of <i>paper</i>, the printing press promises to be an even more fiendish forme of devylrye. Rather than copying books in a monasteries under the supervision of a closely guarded hierarchy, there can be no doubt that our youth will be readily seduced by  the temptation to read, or even worse, write books, about all manner of ungodly things.  Whispers, even,  have I heard  in the dark of a man (or is he a demon who has taken the form of a man?) who wishes to write about “hobbytes”.

Speakest Prudence Goodwyfe of our village, “I am most afraidyste for thine soulyes of thee and thine. Trembleste doth myself, fearing the perils for more than a fortnyghte and a deuce now.”  If our ignorant, illiterate peasants are afraid, surely there must be something to fear?

Now there is talk of a ‘publycke lybrarye’, and of standardized spellings and pronunciations and Middle English and Suchwyse.  Soon our children wilth hath noth moreth spans of attention, for they mustwise find gentle gibes within leaves of paper rather than feeding pigs, wading in muck and poaching the lord’s deer.  Perhaps they will instead become lazy and fat and demand pen and paper and printing presses for themselves and no one shall no how to feed pigs, they shall forget the plow and the anvil and die in sloth and immorality.   
So please sign my online petition, “Keep the Printing Press Out Of Our Shores For Fuck’s Sake.”  God be with ye.

Maureen Dowd On Bart Stupak, Nuns, And Health Care Reform

Op-Ed Columnist - Eraser Duty for Bart? -

That reminds me of an traditional Jewish prayer: "Thank God I am *not* Catholic."

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Pretentious Smut Update

Highbrow Smut Update. Sappho (Ukraine, 2008). An English language,
Ukrainian movie? The backstory of the movie is probably more interesting
than this trite tale of self-exploration that would have been incredibly
daring, say, 1955. Although I would almost recommend it strictly as a
travelogue, the cinematography is beautiful (apparently shot in Crimea,
whereever the hell that is). Sophomoric dialogue sounds like some who just
had Anthropology 101 and decided they needed to have characters who lecture
each other about ancient Greek sexuality. It's the sort of lezz-off biz
Philip Kaufman did years ago, but instead of being ponderous, it's merely
poorly written, acted etc. etc. etc.
If you like Zalman King you'll no doubt love this movie. Also the lead
actress can't act, has her face frozen in a permanent smirk like someone
who thinks she's still the prom queen, and no matter how profound your
ideas, if you have a nasal high-pitched voice, people will just nod and
hope you stop talking soon. Strictly for people who will watch any movie
with TITS. Otherwise, might want to watch Brisseau's latest if you're just
looking for high-class lezzing-off.

Japan Invents Robot Sex Pests

Robot-Sex-Pests Attack Breakfast

Pope Benedict To Send Free Hat, "Get Well Soon" Card To Rape Victims

His Holiness Pope Benedict Something has changed his stance on priests raping parishioners. "This should no longer be tolerated, as I used to do before people paid attention to me. From now on, anyone raped, sodomized, touched, fondled, fiddled, diddled, or just plain creeped out by a Catholic priest is automatically entitled to a "Get Well Soon" card signed by me. In addition, they will also get a fancy red hat personally blessed by Christ's representative on Earth (me!). One size fits all, sorry no returns. P.S. Really sorry you were raped."

Why Veterans Hate "Hurt Locker"

There are many reasons to hate this movie.  Several of the uniforms are somewhat inaccurate.  A FFCBC patch on an EOD Zeta Alpa Unit? Please! Everyone knows that FFCBC patches were phased out after the 1992 budget reduction of the CCCCBAAZAEG units which eliminated all funding for the POIUQER as well as the OIQERGAIEUAZIQ.

And a guy who rolls up his sleeves in a war zone? WTF? That could never happen.  Kill people, drop bombs on the wrong house, none of that could ever happen. But roll up your sleeves...

Op-Ed Columnist - Could Obama Be Invincible? -

Op-Ed Columnist - Could Obama Be Invincible? -

Will any of these 'bloviators' ever admit that they were wrong if health care passes? Or, much more likely, will they find some other topic to wring their hands over feverishly, much the way David Brooks and his fellow cheerleaders for the Iraq invasion realized that the real issue wasn't success or failure--but the character of the president. Which of course Obama doesn't have because he can't find the nonexistent salad bar at \"Applebees\". I'm sure the editors of the National Review hang at Applebees all the time, because they're regular joes who understand Real Americans, not like Obama. Dead Rodent Typing


Op-Ed Columnist - Saints Preserve Us - "If it passes, the short-term political consequences are unknowable. But in 10 years, people will look back in amazement that we once lived in a time when Americans couldn’t get health care coverage if they were sick, when insurance companies could cut off your benefits for being sick, and when run-of-the-mill serious illnesses routinely destroyed families’ financial security."

Marketing's One Million Dollar Challenge

Make this guy seem likable or at least remotely human.
Pope Offers Apology, Not Penalty, for Sex Abuse Scandal -

Friday, March 19, 2010

Cyberbullies Agree: Not As Good As Real-Life Bullying.

Minor thug Jack Smith, senior at James Whitlist High in Lost Pine Nevada, decried the loss of real-life bullying attempts after being expelled for trying to drown a fellow student in the toilet in the gym bathroom last December. "Wow, I haven't smelled the fear on a freshman since that day. Now all I get to do is tell people they're stupid on Facebook, but then they just block me. It sucks."
Winston Smith of Cranville University's Department of Psychology is also mourning the loss of real-life bullying opportunities. "My studies have shown, based on a sample of five or six students we interviewed, that shame and humiliation play important roles in human society and furthermore that such engagements are not mutually involuntary but in fact a reciprocal relationship of exchange of social value tokens which can later be traded for both tangible as well as intangible rewards--such as when a grad student gives me a blow job for a better grade."
Jack's mother, Larissa Smith, worried about the denial of his constitutional right to an education. "It's horrible, horrible," she bemoaned, "all because he tried to kill some jerk no one even likes." She let out a sigh as she looked out onto her front lawn, sobbing more than speaking, "He could have been...a locksmith."

Author Of "History of White People" Might Be Black

Haven't read the book, but anyone who claims that
ethnocentrism was 'invented' in America when the first Irish immigrants
arrived is obviously full of it, and the only reason her book ever got
published is because some people love racist jokes even more than
alt.horror. Being an unfunny, smarmy, pompous ass, who thinks she's a genius
because she "discovered" (i.e. renamed a old news with a shiny new ribbon)
something doesn't help--though it does pretty well demonstrate that social
science is more about making up idiotic names and pretending its something
new than anything else. One can only hope this book is quickly relegated to the Useless Ideas stack of the library basement and is never seen nor heard of ever again.

Cyberbullies Fatter Than Ever

Crazy Idea: Make The Wealthy And Powerful Responsible When They Destroy LIfe/Limb/Property.

It's whacky, but who knows? Just. Might. Work.
Why We Reform - Readers' Comments -

Thursday, March 18, 2010

After 3 Suspected Suicides, Cornell Reaches Out - Readers' Comments -

From the Department of Heartless Uncaring Bastards. I especially like comment #72, as its author claims to be a psychiatrist, while demonstrating almost as much compassion as his 'colleague' who went on a killing spree on an army base. I especially like his joke about how you have to 'want to change, like a light bulb'; that must be hilarious to the parents of dead kids. And he concludes with, 'we're here for you...' evidently completely ignorant of several posters WHO COULD NOT GET COUNSELING AT CORNELL OR ANYWHERE ELSE, largely due to insurance/financial issues. Well, I think we can all see what a credential means today. NOTHING.
Dead Rodent TypingAfter 3 Suspected Suicides, Cornell Reaches Out - Readers' Comments - "There's an old joke in psychiatry: How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: None--the light bulb has to want to change. Brutal? In poor taste? Not really. The reality is that the offer of help is only as effective as your willingness and ability to take or consider that you might need help to begin with. We're here, but you need to take our hand and hang on--and trust that we won't let go."

Readers Poll: Should Rapists Be Taught Self-Offense?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


My name is Torgo. I take care of the place while The Master is away.

Dead Rodent Typing Goes On Holiday

Latest WTF At


href="">Rielle Hunter and the God Within - Ross Douthat Blog - Yes, of course, there is one central authority on Earth to whom we should submit. And if we can't agree on whom that person is, be it the pope, Glenn Beck, or William Shatner, then let's have a war. That should decide things once and for all and then we just forget this whole silly business about which religion is the correct one. (Hey, this blog has as many readers as mine--that makes me feel a bit better.)

Dead Rodent"

IP MAN: More Righteous Ass-Kicking From Hong Kong

Highly recommended.
As usual, a quiet family man (Ip Man, played by Donny Yen) who loves the simple pleasures of friendly punch-ups with the neighborhood goons and ignoring his family just can't be left alone, especially when the Japanese Army decides to improve China by blowing it to hell and turning its denizens into slavizens.  This includes holding kung-fu matches where the winner is paid with rice (minus his dignity, of course).  Eventually, the wicked invaders get their comeuppance, of course, all in due time, although the avoiding one's family is becomes much harder when one is forced to live in squalor.  I guess you can't have it all.  

Maureen Dowd: Bibi's Tense Time

Maureen Dowd

"The Iranian mullahs must be laughing at the Americans and Israelis arguing about who insulted whom, while they are busy screwing their nuclear bombs together."

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Apple Hires Wearable Computing Engineer - Bits Blog -

Apple Hires Wearable Computing Engineer - Bits Blog -

Kudos to Malcolm Gladwell for repackaging others' ideas and making it sound like something new, and making a best seller out of old news. Demographics aside, social science is as much about creating new exciting names for old crap, as much as anything else.

Kathryn Bigelow - How Oscar Found Ms. Right -

Kathryn Bigelow - How Oscar Found Ms. Right -

As predictable as the coming of Autumn, the finding of yet another
antibiotic-resistant bacterium or a pronouncement that America is drowning
in a sea of debt that makes us all envy the lantern-fish, Katheryn
Bigelow's win of "Best Movie" and "Best Director" was immediately trounced
by The Oppressed Enemies Of The Patriarchy.

Evil endures, apparently because some had the gall to think a movie that
faces reality squarely in the eye, and manages to speak truths about war,
death and suffering, is foolishly believed to be superior to Nora Ephron's
latest polished turd (as I recall, something about how a woman empowers
herself by cooking--now *that's* novel!).


Zellwegger's in danger?





With spoilers (you have been warned).

Finally finished watching it. I actually rather liked it--entertaining if you go in with zero expectations. Interesting to see a 10 year old girl out-act everyone else in the movie, except for Ian McShane (and the 'creepy parents'). The kid in the movie did a great job of being creepy yet adorable and seems to be the only one in the film with interesting dialogue; McShane is great in a minor role. Overall, seems like a lot of lost potential--just could have been a much better film with a little effort or risk.

The worst bit is, the ending just kills any horrific mood created. I could not help but think of an MST3K line: 'Zellwegger survived! Surely this is a victory for Good!'*

Frankly, this reminded me of a more recent creepy-kid movie wherein I really end up rooting for Evil. I suppose Freud was right--we do want to kill our parents.

Also, the CGI is over used, and probably would have been better if not used at all.

And other than killing people who are basically unlikeable to begin with, was the girl really so bad--hell, that's a public service. I mean, come on, she's cute as a button! Although I'm not really sure why buttons are cute! Why am I shouting!!?

*see MST3K, "Puma Man" ["Are pumas known for their ability to fly?"]


I guess you can only stomp a joke to death for so long, and then you start to feel hollow and empty inside. It's like when you thought burning that Vietnamese village would be *fun*, but afterwards you just feel icky.

Monday, March 15, 2010

New Study: Video Game Characters Too Distracted To Kill Anyone.

A recent survey of video game characters that by and large, most of them are too preoccupied by slowly undulating female breasts to really want to kill anyone or anything.
Confessed Solid "Old" Snake recently, "Yes, it is true. Haven't killed anyone in years. Fact is, I can't stop looking at that video of Rosemary's breasts going up and down, up and down, up and down...fuck me, have you seen it? I've never heard a word she says, honestly. Why do you think I ran out of gun oil? It wasn't for maintenance. My gun barrel has been scraped raw for chrissakes. Anyone got a light?"

Contractors Tied to Effort to Track and Kill Militants - Readers' Comments -

A military dollar that kills no one is a sad dollar indeed.

Contractors Tied to Effort to Track and Kill Militants - Readers' Comments -

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Today's Sermon Will Be: SUCK ON MY SALVATION!


The Internet, The CellPhone, And Our Kids: Are They In Mortal Danger?

Will people stop talking to each other because of the Internet, mobile phones, videogames, and porn-on-demand and this new thing known to some as "rock-n-roll"? Game over, call the mortician, and buy the coffin. Humanity is finished, and SMS texting was the last nail. Or was it rap? Or Twitter? Or Facebook?

Driving Miss Saudi - Readers' Comments -

Maureen Dowd: Driving Miss Saudi: Only a few more centuries and the rapist might be sent to prison instead of the victim! Dead Rodent Typing


The New Rove-Cheney Assault on Reality - Readers' Comments -

The New Rove-Cheney Assault on Reality - Readers' Comments - "deadrodentyping
March 14th, 2010
8:22 am
I'm really confused about the motivations of this crowd. Is it an incredibly cynical move to grab power (by defaming anyone who supports the Bill of Rights), or do they really believe that bombs and torture will make us \'safe\'? Or do they just like to be on TV? Dead Rodent Typing"

Daily Show Recap: "Victory In Iraq"?

Also, closet fascist Mark Thiessen is revealed as a not-so-closet fascist (and a dickhead to boot).

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Recap - Week of 3/8/10
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Reform

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Texas Removes Bill Of Rights From Textbooks, Replaced With Picture Of Jesus Holding A Gun

Hey, it's Texas, what did you expect? Recipes for Fascist Fruitcake?

That Thing That You Did

Oh, yes. We all know.

And we're all sickened.

You filth.

I Smellz A Stalinist

"The Federal Communications Commission is proposing an ambitious 10-year plan that will reimagine the nation’s media and technology priorities by establishing high-speed Internet as the country’s dominant communication network."

I smell Facism AND Stalinism. An FCC that does something besides obsess over which words we can be exposed to? Once again the government is interfering in our lives, just like when they built those stupid hydroelectric dams that no one ever bothers to use. (And don't even get me started on nipples. I saw one in the mirror the other day and I was frankly disgusted.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Not A Conspiracy, Just Good Business

Evidently, for every man whose life is saved by treatment for prostate cancer, 47 are unnececssarily having their privates chopped out or burned out with radiation.  Fucking hell.  But if you make a test that's slightly better than useless, you can still make money!

(In other news, people not always morally moral.)

Will Jennifer Aniston Stab Angelina Jolie In The Eye Socket With A Knitting Needle?

Sounds like something that could happen on Planet Earth. Just look at those crazy eyes!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Readers Talk Back To Maureen Dowd Talking To Them?

Pilgrim Non Grata
And we comment on the commenters commenting on the commentators!

Interesting comments...Maureen Dowd has is a 'bigot' with a 'closed mind' who has 'preconceptions' about Islam...or Christianity...or maybe she's anti-semitic or anti-Israel? Perhaps she's part of a fifth column which wants to impose Far East pantheism on our wonderful monotheistic practices which failed to prevent the rise of Mussolini, Hitler, Stalin, World War I, The Holocaust and such. As long as she's not an atheist, I suppose. Will the Omnipotent Power allow her to destroy the true religion. He just might, he's pretty moody. (I call him by his true name, SuperDude.) Dead Rodent Typing

Legislator Was Against Cocks Before He Was For It

Stated the currently suspended legislator very officially statemented, "I was totally against cocks. Now I'm for them. But I'm not because I have to represent my constituents. Which I don't because I'm suspended. But let's just remember that I was always against them, I was against them before I was for them, and I'll always be against them even when I'm for them like in the bathroom of that gay bar I may or may have not been inside. And remember, 2 weeks ago was a different time, a very very different time. In that I hadn't been arrested for drinking and driving after hanging out at a gay bar. And there's nothing hypocritical or duplicitous in any of that."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

The British. Why is it that when you ask an English person, "You're not from around here, are you?" they give you a dirty look? Do people think it's easy just sitting around stealing quips from movies? At least appreciate the effort, you limey gits.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

I've had it with these nonconsensual dog-on-dog videos. Na'ry a Greyhound in site. Think about your audience, people. And what's up with the Radio Telegraph? I've got tons of Morse Code porn everywhere and still doing nothing for me.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Too Good To Be True, But It Is

In Which Enlightened College Intern Lowers Herself To Interact With Men

Sometimes, in these very trying days......we might attempt to discern why the main complaint of feminism today (that I hear about anyway) is "for fuck's sake we really need to split housework 50/50!"   Scanning the Interwebs and Twitterscapes to discover, why this seemingly odd choice for a Major Issue Of Our Time, I found no answers. However, the  Nettubes did manage to cough up this gem of  a blithering nonsensical voyage into self-righteousness brought on by a woman determined to buy pepper spray at any cost or affront to her dignity (and yes, damn the torpedoes).

Here's the actual title: Hypothetical Rape Scenarios Don't Sell Pepper Spray.  Anyway, enough dithering, let's follow this brave woman as she navigates the dangerous, shark-infested waters and perilous reefs of The Patriarchy.
In order to intern with NOW, I moved from rural upstate New York into the Maryland/D.C. area....I have struggled as a feminist [don't we all?]

with whether or not I needed to have some form of hand-held self-defense.

Remember that rural dwellers are never raped nor assaulted. Good to know.

I decided to educate myself about different items I could carry for self-protection by shopping at a local Army Navy store....

Best to deploy the Universal Bullshit Translator on this one: "Because, of course, where else in the D.C. area could you educate yourself about self-defense? If only there was some sort of way to obtain information in the year 2010, some sort of centralized repository of information, and then some way to access that repository--wait! The information could be stored in a decentralized fashion, and then accessed electronically with some sort of electronical contraption of some sort! I'll call it: The Remote Telegraph!Ah, just a pipe dream, perhaps by 3010..."

(Wait! It gets better!)

On the store counter the clerk put down different types of pepper spray and stabbing weapons. My friend stated that the stabbing weapon was probably the best option, while the sales clerk deferred to the pepper spray. I then listened in awe as the sales clerk stated that if I (that's right--me!) were being raped by a three hundred-pound man, the stabbing weapon wouldn't be effective, so I should get the pepper spray. Silence.

Now apparently, since there is no possible way to look for information by 'experts', as all libraries have been closed at this point, and the police no longer exist, and the only public safety information we can find nowadays are old bomb shelter direction signs, we have only two choices: Friends, and sales clerks whose job it is is to take money and give back any change and a receipt.

And of course, it's perfectly fine to suggest to a woman buying a self-defense product that she might need it to protect herself against an assailant, in case she were to be assaulted, stabbed, maimed, injured or gut-shot with a 12-gauge--but saying the r-word is going to far. (That's right, Seth McFarlane, it's their word)There's a line here, and we're all supposed to know what it is, whether we've been given a line-map or not. Let's just hope in the future, Army-Navy-Discount-Store Sales-Clerks get their consciousness raised from caring-not-fuck-all to mild-shit-giving-somewhat.

If only there were some way to buy items discreetly, such as some sort of company that sold items from some sort of "catalog" and then you could fill out an "order" and then receive the item in the "mail". Of course, none of those things exist in anymore--perhaps another possible use for my "Remote Telegraph"? Bah, I'm just a dewey-eyed optimist, I reckon.

Having just experienced a "primitive-caveman-protects-woman" experience, I silently walked out of the store with my purchase. I was furious.


We walked back across the street to the car,

If only there was some means to commandeer this horse-less carriage to a Target or WalMart! If such places existed, which they do not!

I asked the clerk who had just helped me if I could talk to him for a second. He complied, and I explained that putting any customer in a hypothetical rape situation should not be a tool used to sell his product. If women are coming in to purchase a weapon for their key ring, chances are it was because they had experienced some form of sexual assault, and it was not his job to trigger fear. I also told him his communication and focus should be on the customer, regardless of their gender. I thanked him for his time and left. I felt better.

Let's put this last bit into the Universal Smugness Translator and see what it spits out: "I was so grateful that he had afforded me this opportunity to not only look down on someone else, and to make me feel better about my place in the world by gently reminding him that he's an uncouth ignorant bastard. And how lucky was it that this experience in male oppression just happened to coincide with my new internship at a pro-feminist organization?"

However, I now had a personal vendetta against my new stabbing weapon. While holding a grudge against a piece of plastic seems silly, I couldn't help it.

"I had nothing better to think about."

It now somehow stood for everything that I wasn't, like I had somehow given in to society's patriarchal paradigm.

Exactly how I feel about the alphabet. Invented by men, most likely--and they use it like all the time. Same reason I don't use Roman numerals.

That fact that I had even gone through with the purchase made me feel guilty.

"Have I lived up to my crackpot ideals?"

I keep it on my key ring sometimes and more often not.

"It only sounds idiotic because it is. Okay?"

In trying to unpack my experience-

"You're probably amazed I can unpack a lunch without having to discuss the patriarchy with my 'sisters'."

I explained what had happened to other NOW interns to get some insight.

"Amazingly, my fellow interns at this intensely political organization validated my world-view."

After seeing the Kubotan in person, one said it looked like her sexual aid

"God knows she needs them, but of course I only that behind her back."

while another stated it could just as easily be used against me as the pepper spray.

"I couldn't have asked them about this before even though I stated that I had sought out their advice in the first paragraph--but hey, Feminism isn't about being consistently logical. It's about whatever we say it's about. We won't succumb to Reason--that would be fucking patriarchical. And we are not your bitches!"

How I choose to protect myself is all about personal empowerment and what makes me feel comfortable and safe.

It's not about what works. Self-defense is more like a really great bath oil.

Eventually I gave the Kubaton weapon away to a friend who felt empowered by having it with them as protection.

"I don't need a masturbation device but some women just aren't pretty enough."

I continue to research a form of protection that empowers me.

We shall all breathe a bit more easily, knowing you're out there fighting the good fight and sticking it to The Man.

In Your Fucking Faces, Motherfuckers!

Yeah, you too, I'm looking at you, you dick!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

A Brief History Of Cocks.

In medieval times, the word "cock" denoted a male chicken, although it was generally written as "cockye" or "cyucke". Many centuries passed. Finally, the cock was discovered by some anonymous investigator--possibly Charles Darwin, though others maintain it was Charles Dickens or perhaps Queen Victoria. However, as this discovery was never reported, it failed to propagate, and as such the knowledge was lost for many more decades. Then, a breakthrough: Errol Flynn re-discovers the cock (specifically his own). He puts it in innumerable places as well. By 1960, many, many more of these 'cocks' had been discovered, generally by eccentric researchers working with their own money and resources. An elite or aristocracy, one might say, was able to uncover new lines of investigation. The most notable of these early gentlemen investigators is without a doubt John F. Kennedy, who is now known today for being tireless and relentless in his pursuit of more places to put his cock.
However, it was not until President Bill Clinton that the existence of the cock, as such, became public knowledge. And now, today, we see cocks are everywhere, and recognize their place in history as well, from man's man Socrates to William Jennings Bryan and Christopher Columbus, from Roman Polanski to Tiger Woods, we now now that cocks have been influential throughout the ascent (giggity) of man. So it is today that the cock can rest in peace, knowing that at long last, it has attained the recognition it so richly deserves.
For more reading on cocks, please visit your local public library, or go to, or just turn on the TV anytime of day or night on any cable news channel.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Darwin Foes Add Warming to Targets -

Darwin Foes Add Warming to Targets - "The Rev. Jim Ball, senior director for climate programs at the Evangelical Environmental Network, a group with members who accept the science of global warming, said that many of the deniers feel that “it is hubris to think that human beings could disrupt something that God created.
“This group already feels like scientists are attacking their faith and calling them idiots,” he said, “so they are likely to be skeptical” about global warming."


Monday, March 1, 2010

NRA Supports Iraqi Freedom!

Yes, bombs and guns totally defeated the evil occupiers in Iraq which is why it is now a free, open democracy! Go gun freedom and guns for all!

Tea Party Nation Releases "Black Presidential Assassination" For Xbox360.

The so-called Tea Party protesters released the first Tea Party Movement action-adventure video game today, "Dead Black Presidents". According to a press release, the game is designed to introduce the entire mind-set of the Tea Party Movement to the uninitiated by promoting "American values, Liberty, Freedom, and shooting any president who isn't white."
Initially, the player begins in his virtual home with his family, watching repeats of America's Funniest Home Videos, and suddenly a team of IRS agents breaks down the door and lays down teargas, confiscates all of your belongings simply because you neglected to pay income tax for 20 years, and then have their way with your teen daughters while forcing your wife to make sandwiches and serve coffee. This really puts a damper on the evening--especially since they take the TV with them when they leave.
The first 'chapter' ends when you successfully parachute out of a C4-laden Cessna just before it collides into a federal building, giving those bureaucrats what they no doubt deserve for showing up to work that day.
Along the way, paper money is replaced with gold bars, giant wheels of cheese and bars of sea salt, abortion is still legal but all of the doctors have been shot, and vaccines are replaced with herbal remedies which include rhinoceros horn and tiger penises.
Without giving too much away, to win the player needs to successfully install himself in the White House and reverse every constitutional amendment since 1859--needless to say, many abortion clinics are bombed along the way.
It is also reported that a Wii-Fit version of the game is due out for Christmas 2011. "The Revolution cannot be fat," commented one protester.