Sunday, March 21, 2010

Ye Newe Printing Press: Shall It Killeth Our Childrynes, Our Values And Our Civilization?

Gutenberg: Does He Want To Kill Thine Children And Thine Kine?

The greatest threat to our children since the invention of <i>paper</i>, the printing press promises to be an even more fiendish forme of devylrye. Rather than copying books in a monasteries under the supervision of a closely guarded hierarchy, there can be no doubt that our youth will be readily seduced by  the temptation to read, or even worse, write books, about all manner of ungodly things.  Whispers, even,  have I heard  in the dark of a man (or is he a demon who has taken the form of a man?) who wishes to write about “hobbytes”.

Speakest Prudence Goodwyfe of our village, “I am most afraidyste for thine soulyes of thee and thine. Trembleste doth myself, fearing the perils for more than a fortnyghte and a deuce now.”  If our ignorant, illiterate peasants are afraid, surely there must be something to fear?

Now there is talk of a ‘publycke lybrarye’, and of standardized spellings and pronunciations and Middle English and Suchwyse.  Soon our children wilth hath noth moreth spans of attention, for they mustwise find gentle gibes within leaves of paper rather than feeding pigs, wading in muck and poaching the lord’s deer.  Perhaps they will instead become lazy and fat and demand pen and paper and printing presses for themselves and no one shall no how to feed pigs, they shall forget the plow and the anvil and die in sloth and immorality.   
So please sign my online petition, “Keep the Printing Press Out Of Our Shores For Fuck’s Sake.”  God be with ye.

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