Friday, March 19, 2010
Cyberbullies Agree: Not As Good As Real-Life Bullying.
Minor thug Jack Smith, senior at James Whitlist High in Lost Pine Nevada, decried the loss of real-life bullying attempts after being expelled for trying to drown a fellow student in the toilet in the gym bathroom last December. "Wow, I haven't smelled the fear on a freshman since that day. Now all I get to do is tell people they're stupid on Facebook, but then they just block me. It sucks."
Winston Smith of Cranville University's Department of Psychology is also mourning the loss of real-life bullying opportunities. "My studies have shown, based on a sample of five or six students we interviewed, that shame and humiliation play important roles in human society and furthermore that such engagements are not mutually involuntary but in fact a reciprocal relationship of exchange of social value tokens which can later be traded for both tangible as well as intangible rewards--such as when a grad student gives me a blow job for a better grade."
Jack's mother, Larissa Smith, worried about the denial of his constitutional right to an education. "It's horrible, horrible," she bemoaned, "all because he tried to kill some jerk no one even likes." She let out a sigh as she looked out onto her front lawn, sobbing more than speaking, "He could have been...a locksmith."