From The Department of Thanks Obama!

This ad, evidently, is not a joke, except on the American people. Having not watched the video (certain that it was very informative though), I never found out what pernicious plans Obama has for my jar of Skippy peanut butter (extra crunchy, or so the label assures me).

It does, however, link to a survivalist website which bills itself as "food4patriots.com"....Though why patriots need any more or less food than anyone else exceeds both my knowledge of human physiology and patriotism: Consult your nearest patriotic physiologist for further information.

Now I must load my All-American, Star-Spangled Glock from Sweden and guard my freedom-butter. 

Android & iPhone Secretly Tracking Your Boners

A security consulting firm has discovered that both the Android and iPhone smartphone operating systems are consistently tracking sexual arousal in unecrypted system files.  Neither Apple nor Google would comment on this report; however, many have reported, anonymously, that "quite of lot" of giggling can be heard coming from certain offices at their corporate headquarters. Repeated calls to the office of Steve Jobs only generated enormous amounts of snickering on the other end of the line. This reporter was, however, asked, "Do you have 10 pound balls?"

#android
#iPhone

Ben Bernanke Calls Out Lady Gaga As 'Poser Ass Bitch'

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke surprised everyone on the House Financial Services Committee by testifying that pop singer Lady Gaga is "a frontin' poser-ass bitch" and that, "If given the opportunity, I would slap that ho' down."  Even more surprising was the reaction of committee chair Spence Bachus, who declared that he would subpoeona Lady Gaga to testify regarding "corruption in the Obama Administration."
Lady Gaga was  not available for comment prior to publication.

Lady Gaga

Jack Lalanne's Hairpiece Promises Tell-All Tale Of Its Years With Jack Lalanne

Fitness guru Jack Lalanne's male wig announced that it would be telling the "unvarnished truth" about its years with Jack Lalanne.  "It will be a sizzling tale of celebrity gone wrong, with no detail too sordid to be untold: The booze, the hookers, the pills, the steroids, the gambling addiction--but above all, it will be a warning to the youth of today about what too much carrot juice can do to a man."
The wig promised that at least 1% of any profits will donated to Male Pattern Baldness Institute For Male Pattern Baldness Prevention.










Jack LaLanne

US Navy Creates Greatest Algae-Powered Bass Fishing Boat Ever

Gays Much More Dangerous Than Thermonuclear Weapons by Mitch McConnell

Are You
There,
Magical
Chintuck?
 It's Me, Mitch.

Greetings, America.  Odds are 50/50 you have no idea who I am.  Well I'm the Senate minority leader.  (Yes, an atrocity, given that Real Americans constitute a majority of this country.) (Hippies not included.)

In other words, if you're a Real American, you've doubtless lost interest the second you realized this wasn't about Tiger Woods shooting golf balls at Lady Gaga's baby howitzer.
However, in the offhand chance that someone besides a complete lunatic is actually paying attention, let me say something about the START treaty: I'm agin' it.

"Why?" some may ask.  Indeed you may.  Naturally I could recite a lot of details about payloads and warheads and tactical versus nuclear and a lot of other boring crap, but then we would lose sight of The Big Picture: If Obama wins, I lose.  And when I lose, I get so angry like you would not believe! I pout and make little fists and shout (it's really quite adorable) and my chin flab undulates and sometimes I even get a real boner.  (Not so easy for a man my age; guess there's always an upside.)  And now the heat-seeking missile of man-on-man love threatens to destroy the military that champions our greatest American virtue--cheap gasoline.

And the only way to keep our under-priced, over-subsidized Exxon, Mobil, Shell and Arco stations full of their precious juice is for Americans to vote Republican.  Which in turn makes Republicans more powerful, the wealthy more wealthy, and makes more Americans wish to vote Republican.  It's a beautiful, natural cycle that must not be tampered with.  So I think you'll see why a bit of thermonuclear war is nothing to worry about--not compared to keeping our national Ponzi scheme going.

Just remember Obama, you come up against me, you gonna' lose! (Oh dear, my trousers are getting tight again.)

START
Mitch McConnell

2010 Census Data Indicates America 'Full Of Dicks'

Analysis of U.S. Census data from 2010 indicates that America is "really full of  dicks,"
according to a report released today.  "All of our data points to a nation-wide pattern of lunacy, paranoia, ignorance, delusion, superstition, and flat-out stupidity."

"Millions of Americans have no idea of the relative cost of primary care versus emergency rooms, believe that Hawaii is not part of the United States, won't shut up about aliens and UFOs, believe that an industry that spends has billions in revenue can be controlled by climatologists, that the CIA can actually keep secrets, that guns will prevent gun violence, and a ton of other crazy shit.  Frankly, we're surprised the nation has not simply sank into the sea, except that such a thing would be impossible if you know the first thing about modern geology--which most people don't.  The point is, we're fucked.  Have you seen their test scores in China? Can you believe there was a time when people actually thought about progress and putting people on the moon? Now they just want to watch HBO."

The conclusion of the report is nearly blank page with nothing on it but the words, "Conclusion" and "Cockknobs".




Census

Obama Swaps Lincoln Memorial For Scott Brown's Navel Lint

Discarded photos of Sen.
Brown's naughty 'sixth
orifice'
(digitally aged over 20 years).

Democrats were dismayed today to learn that one of Washington's most treasured monuments, the Lincoln Memorial, had been traded to Republican U.S. Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts.

Obama reminded Democrats that although it looked like a "bad deal," this was "necessary result of prolonged and lengthy negotiations, and besides a significant amount of earwax was obtained in the deal."

NPR: Send Us Your Money Or Die Leeches

AirTalk
with
Larry
Mantle

Mantle: Hello, Los Angeles, welcome to Airtalk.  What's your beef?

Caller: The economy was doing much better in previous decades when taxes were higher.  Instead of cutting taxes, the government stimulate the economy.

Mantle: You don't know that.  The Bush tax cuts may have made the economy better.  Every night I sacrifice a rooster to the Sun God to ensure that the Sun rises in the morning.  Would the sun rise if I stop sacrificing roosters? Maybe--but should I take that chance? We only have glowing orange ball in the sky and I personally am not willing to risk it.

Caller: What?

Mantle: Please, think critically.  Correlation is not causation.

Caller: But the deficits and military spending--

Mantle: Look, you can believe whatever you like.  It's a free country.  But if we had not invaded and occupied two nations and killed tens of thousands of people, all Americans could have been killed in a plane crash by now.  You don't know.  You can't prove that I'm wrong.

Caller: I'm confused...

Mantle: Good.  Because this is the kind of thoughtful dialogue you can have only hear on KPCC. Not like those commies at Pacifica or KPFK.  Next, we have Todd from the American Enterprise Institute, who will no doubt spew some utterly predictable bullshit about taxes or global warming. Are you there Todd?

Todd: Here Larry and great to be here.

Mantle: Great to be anywhere at my age, ha ha.

Todd: Ha ha

Mantle: Al Gore.

Todd: Ha ha, please, Larry, no more.

Mantle: Okay, let's go to our next caller. Hello, you have a question for Todd?

Caller: Yes, I'm unemployed, I have no medical coverage, and soon I'll be homeless. I don't qualify for aid because I have no children and I'm too young for Medicare or Social Security. Fiscal austerity will end any chance I have of finding work or having a roof over my head.

Mantle: Well you'll just have to suck it up for America, and frankly you don't sound like the kind of person who donates to Public Radio or KPCC.  Todd?

Todd: Fuck her. Taxes are evil, war is good, and global warming is a myth.

Mantle: Wow, great conversation Todd, I did not expect a man who works for billionaires to say that.  Only on public radio, folks.  Please support us and become a member by sending as much money as you possibly can.  You wouldn't want to see me out of job, would you?

Tomorrow's show: Why California colleges are for white people who worked very hard by being born in this country.  Please join us.


Airtalk
Larry Mantle
KPCC
NPR

AntiChrist Recommends Soccer As "Really Good Exercise"

"All Hail Your Deomonic Overlord,"
 declares the AntiChrist.

How the hell did Norm MacDonald become head of the Democratic Party?

YouTube - Charlie Rose - Tim Kaine

NOVEMBER 2010: IT'S ALL HAPPENING AGAIN.

And suddenly, a million voices cried out, "IT'S 2004 ALL OVER AGAIN.  THIS IS WORSE THAN THE PHANTOM MENACE. WAY, WAY WORSE. ITS A NIGHTMARE FROM WHICH THEIR IS NO WAKING. IT'S A MADHOUSE, A MADHOUSE...."

And then there was the sound of a million cans of Foster's Lager being opened, and then...silence.
election
November 2010

DAMN ME! DAMN ME TO HELL! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Clarence Thomas: "Please Remember All The Women I Didn't Rape"

Hi, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas here.  Just wanted to remind everyone, in spite of what certain ho's, bitches, and plain whack-ass cunts may have told you, I am not a creepy sex-pest.

After all, there are literally hundreds of millions of women in the world that haven't accused me of rape, fondling, stalking, sexually harassing, making vulgar and repulsive comments about their breast size, ass-grabbing, tit-smacking, crotch-holding, or proffering my self-published weekly newsletter  of porn reviews ("The Justice With Justice Thomas").


So just remember THAT.  And as fellow conservative David Brooks has noted, it's really all about character, isn't it?  And believe me, I'm still the electrocution-loving, justice-for-those-who-can-afford it guy I've always been. Besides, I have what ever black man dreams of--a REAL WHITE WOMAN.  I'M YOUR BOYFRIEND NOW BITCH nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.

Jesus Wants To Know More About Jesus

Our Lord And Savior:
"I want to know more."

Jesus H. Christ, how do I find out more about Jesus?  Is there some kind of information out  there about me?  Perhaps people could come to my door and give me information? Or perhaps a web site? A web site would be cool.  

Or you know what? A book. A book with information about me.  Or better yet, a Kindle-format book so I can keep that book in my coat pocket and access it at any given time (like when I'm waiting in line for movie tickets to the next Lego Star Wars).

Or perhaps a radio show, or even a television programme, or hell, even an entire network, devoted to people to discussing me and whatever it was I did.  A few movies and musicals would be very nice as well and spread my message, although that message seems to be interpreted in radically different ways by different people.  Also something on iTunes about me would be good, why yes, even an entire radio station devoted to sharing information about me--but in musical form!

Well, I'm just throwing these ideas out there, although I'm afraid that no one is paying attention.

Obama Counting On Black People Who Are Not Condalezza Rice

Example of voter Obama is not counting on.

Op-Ed Columnist - Threat Response - NYTimes.com

In other news, white people still confused by the name "Condoleezza".

Unemployed Avid NY Times Subscriber Belongs To Highly Uncoveted 'Loser' Demographic

The New York Times - Breaking News, World News & Multimedia

Tea Party? Racist? No, We Just Like Racist Photoshop Jobs

  From http://obambi.wordpress.com, with the caption "Eric Schmidt's favorite photo."

But racist? Please.

When I Talk, People Listen. As in LISTEN.

Response to Message #95088:

Dear mark,

Thank you for contacting NPR.

We appreciate you sharing your concerns with us. We strive to offer the highest quality of news and information available. Listener feedback helps us to accomplish this goal.

We welcome both criticism and praise, and your thoughts will be taken into consideration.

Thank you for listening, and for your continued support of public broadcasting. For the latest news and information, visit NPR.org.

Sincerely,
Kenya
Office of the Ombudsman
NPR

GOP Supports 'Tunnel To Afghanistan' Stimulus Plan