my forsaken fourth amendment anal rights by rand paul

Highllights from the Great Rand Paul Filibuster of 2016, heretofore known to historians as 'Paulobuster16':


[Hour 27:32] The Constitution, that great document which described black men as 3/5 of a white man and women as not even human has ruled our nation since the dawn of time, before Eve led Adam to sin and that's how the Civil War started I'm pretty sure.

Anyhoo, the Constitution--document, not the ship--tells us that we have a right to privacy. But accordingly, we have the right to give up that privacy. Example: 

I came across an attractive ICE agent at O'Hare but she refused to search me. What a tease. Even suggested that I might have illicit narcotics up my rectum and that she had a better reach deep, but she just waved me through. I again insisted that I needed to be searched for potential contraband, and that I could not be above the law simply due to my position as a senator of the United States of America. Again, she refused. Instead, I was led to a small room with cheap furniture and two men in uniforms insisted on checking my passport with the State Department. After a brief phone call, they apologized for the misunderstanding and even carried my baggage to my connecting flight. I have not seen the ICE agent since. What sort of nation are we living in, President Obama? 

#thanksobama #randpaul #filibuster #fourthamendment  #callme

Just Because You're Paid To Be A Journalist, Doesn't Mean You Have To Act Like One

A True Story From National Public Radio

Arun Rath: Greetings Generic Republican legislator, I am your friendly NPR customer service rep. How may I help you today?

GOP Rep. Tom Cole: Can you let me rant about the evil of Nazibama, ask leading questions to set up my talking-point playbook response, and not point out a single factual error? That would be swell!

Arun Rath: Why yes we can! That is our job here at NPR! Can you put on a pretense of having any kind of conscience or moral principles whatsoever?

GOP Rep. Tom Cole: Nope.

Arun Rath: Ah, well...we don't really care, we get paid either way, you know?

#immigration, #obama, #tomcole, #assholes, #npr

Obama Promises To Further Demotivate Democrats

President Obama said that he was "mildly pleased" with the compromise to avert the budget shutdown. "I felt that this was a good opportunity to further demotivate, de-inspire, and just plain demoralize anyone with any degree of common sense.  The best way to negotiate is to cave in at the beginning, then continue caving in. Or at least give everyone that impression. Give every semi-rational person in the nation the feeling that we're pretty much under the guidance of people who think the country peaked during the years of Chester A. Arthur. Because the less you hope for, the more you appreciate what you have."







#Obama
#Demotivation

Obama Designates Entire State Of Nevada As Nuclear Waste Dump

President Obama surprised Nevadans by declaring their entire state an "emergency toxic waste site suitable for disposal of all manner of waste, including chemical, radioactive, and biological materials."  No one outside of Nevada appeared to be surprised by this remark.

Even his fiercest critics, such as Republican representative Michelle Bachmann, could barely muster a shrug of their shoulders.  "Well I would have gone with New Jersey," she stated to reporters, " but what ya gonna do?"

Currently there are no plans to evacuate any Nevadans out of Nevada.  Commented the president, "Well, if they're there, they probably deserve it."



#obama
#nuclearenergy

Respectitude For Tea Party Rectitude #1

Why We Must Respect The Tea Party

Yes, those who say the Tea Party must be respected are, of course, correct. Already their influence is being felt everywhere, from nearly killing the health care overhaul to pushing the Republican Party even further to the right-wing white fringes of Arizona's Punch A Mexican Guy In The Face law, the Tea Party is flexing it's flabby biceps and giving voice to powerless white males over 45.

And they no doubt have wonderful ideas that are ignored by The Incompetent Establishment at which David Brooks sneers. Because as we all know, and as Mr. Brooks and Mr. Wills will no doubt tell us, small government is good government. And this is the core idea, the wonderful, beautiful flower that is the heart of the Tea Party: Freedom. A gorgeous promise of scented freedom, a scent which if you put nose closely to it, will tell you it's secret:

We want our Social Security and Medicare and police protection and fire departments and we don't want to pay a fucking dime for any of it.

We want our military-industrial complex and our highways and pollution controls and fire departments and prisons but why the hell should we have to contribute anything when somewhere there is a a black or brown welfare queen stealing my money that the government stole from me.

Taxation is theft--from white people to poor people, useless cripples, illegal immigrants, lazy ghetto layabouts, a load of idle classes who refuse to lift themselves up by their own bootstraps. When we were young there were no roads, no schools, no running water, and no government. We did everything ourselves and no one helped us at all. We deserve everything we have because we are white and we are U.S. citizens. And therefore we do not owe anyone anything.

So fuck you.

Um, we're not racists, we just love freedom.

(We just really, really, seriously fucking LOVE freedom.)

And that, my friends, is the beauty and power of the Tea Party philosophy. And if that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, you are one stone cold dead killer.

Tea Party

Looking Back on the Bush Years

Oh, how time flies! Remember it was just about a year ago we were all dancing to "I'll Never Apologize For Being Wrong About Anything" by Georgie And The Bushites. Well now you can hear David Brooks And The Warmongers (Bill Kristol, Dick 'Big Dick' Cheney, and the whole gang) singing the very same tune.
(Crikey, I've met piranha fish with more shame.)
Looking Back on the Bush Years - Opinionator Blog - NYTimes.com

Exclusive! Excerpts From Karl Rove's Diary

Met George for the first time today, wearing his flight jacket, and reeking of leather, masculinity, and manmusk. My heart stopped in my throat--I swooned! I was smote with the hammer of forbidden desire! Oh, um.......I'm not gay.

George Will: "Obama Is A Good Man Who Just Wants To Implement Orwellian Tyranny Over Our Lives Till We're All Doing Morning Yoga Like The Heathen ChinaMan."

That sounds pretty reasonable.  

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
George Will
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

I am Sarah Palin and I want stuff.

Apparently her requirements for a "public speaking" engagement are

1. $70,000 USD;

2. A Lear Jet to fly her to and fro;

3. Flexible straws must be within arms reach;

This is actually true. I'm trying to figure out why anyone would pay anyone for public speaking anyway--I can only surmise that it's some sort of status/chest-pounding that "charities" perform to prove which group is more charitable.

Justice Clarence Thomas

Every picture tells a story. Yikes.

Dick Cheney Now Just Going To Start Beating The Shit Out Of Random Strangers.

Technorati Tags: Dick Cheney,Terrorism

Tea Party Nation Releases "Black Presidential Assassination" For Xbox360.

The so-called Tea Party protesters released the first Tea Party Movement action-adventure video game today, "Dead Black Presidents". According to a press release, the game is designed to introduce the entire mind-set of the Tea Party Movement to the uninitiated by promoting "American values, Liberty, Freedom, and shooting any president who isn't white."
Initially, the player begins in his virtual home with his family, watching repeats of America's Funniest Home Videos, and suddenly a team of IRS agents breaks down the door and lays down teargas, confiscates all of your belongings simply because you neglected to pay income tax for 20 years, and then have their way with your teen daughters while forcing your wife to make sandwiches and serve coffee. This really puts a damper on the evening--especially since they take the TV with them when they leave.
The first 'chapter' ends when you successfully parachute out of a C4-laden Cessna just before it collides into a federal building, giving those bureaucrats what they no doubt deserve for showing up to work that day.
Along the way, paper money is replaced with gold bars, giant wheels of cheese and bars of sea salt, abortion is still legal but all of the doctors have been shot, and vaccines are replaced with herbal remedies which include rhinoceros horn and tiger penises.
Without giving too much away, to win the player needs to successfully install himself in the White House and reverse every constitutional amendment since 1859--needless to say, many abortion clinics are bombed along the way.
It is also reported that a Wii-Fit version of the game is due out for Christmas 2011. "The Revolution cannot be fat," commented one protester.

OPINION

Embrace The Mob!

by David Brooks

As long as that mob is white, christian, and votes Republican, then the must be respected. So vote monorail. And yes, some may criticize me for only being able to extract from science and global events what I want to see--but what is the point of philosophy if it doesn't prove what you like? Please, then you're doing science and relying on immoral empiricism, things which might not square with my pre-existing values. And I've made a pretty good career out of saying the same thing over and over, so why change now?

OPINION

Yes, I'm Smug, Stupid and Bald, But I'm On TV And You're Not

by David Brooks

That's right, I can go on and on about how reasonable and pragmatic President Obama is, but as usual, since I'm a shameless smug bastard compensating for being a bald sexless troll, I'll just do a 180 at the last minute and embrace the angry mob. After all, the American people are not always right, but their basic sense of equilibrium is worthy of the profoundest respect. After all, didn't Dr. Frankenstein respect the mob? No--and look what happened to him.

Of course, by Americans I mean Real Americans, by which of course I mean old white people who descended from those idealists who were able to grab the most from the stupid freedom-hating aborigines who refused to love democracy or invent machine-guns. It is these wondrous White Americans, the heirs of The Greatest Generation, who seldom knew want or need or racial discrimination--it is these wondrous folk who truly understand Freedom. Because if you've never experienced oppression, surely you then must know what freedom means. That is why the Queen knows more about Freedom than anyone.

And it is precisely this lack of experience with hardship and oppression that has led them to see that they not only do not have to do anything for anyone else--in fact, they should not do anything for anything else. Except to earn as much money as possible. So let's embrace this angry pitch-forked mob, this most unreasonable gathering of un-deprived heroes, this coddled lot who have banded together to bravely fight for their Medicare and Social Security benefits, who want their wars without paying for them, who want clean food and water without the slightest sacrifice, who want a civil society without paying for schools or hospitals or public health of any kind, who haven't any sight of a common good beyond their monthly pensions or benefits or any change in their tax return: These brave many who together stood up and screamed, "Me!", this Spoiled Generation. For they are the past but they vote a hell of lot.

HEADLINES

GOP Chairman Michael Steele: "I'm the fucking pimp."

Technorati Tags: Michael Steele

I Love To Get My Cock Sucked by Joe Lieberman.

Senator Lieberman Anticipating Yet Another 61st Vote


That's right, I really love a good blow job. I love to feel the love, and now is the best time for a good vacuum action. Any time Harry Reid needs 60 votes in the Senate, I can just feel the bulge growing. And the best part is--do you know? Let me tell you what the best part of a good blow job is? I get to do it in public, and there's always a camera on me--so I know that people can always go to CSPAN and watch me break one off, over and over and over. For years, no one really cared about me till I realized that I could play my boyfriends against each other--in return for a sweet, sweet public hooverama that makes JFK look like a virgin. I mean, he couldn't get his on camera now, could he? Sorry, there's a new bill giving aid to some godforsaken poor people, and I'm due for another busta nut. Oh yeah, that is solid.

Gov. Mick Huckabee Feels Ghost of Willie Horton Gently Raping Him In The Ass.

Governor Huckabee woke up after realizing he had granted clemency to a man whom several years later shot four police officers, and felt something heavy and warm on top of him. "Yo, remember me?" At first Gov. Huckabee thought is was the ghost of Barry White or Black Father Christmas, but the ghost then identified himself as once having been Willie Horton. "That's right--I fucked with Dukakis and now it's a must that I fuck with you." After enduring a long and unpleasant bout of nonconsensual homosexuality, the ghost grabbed a Coors out of the fridge, saying "Don't worry, I'll be back in 2012." The governor felt relieved until he saw a line of reporters going out the door, ready to do the exact same thing. "Well, hop on," he said with his usual optimism, "we may as well get this thing over with."

Major Hassan.

Okay, someone has to say it. WORST. PSYCHIATRIST. EVER.

Free-Thinking Political Independent Actually A Fucking Moron.

Republicans Denounce Nobel Penis Prize.

Conservatives across the nation were horrified that Da Prez was awarded the Nobel's most coveted award, the Penis Prize. Said GOP Chairman Michael Steele: "We have plenty of very large penises deserving of recognition. Look at Bush Penis--come on, take a gander, look at it! Doesn't it deserve some recognition? Think of all of the things it accomplished! And there's Limbaugh's flaccid member. Sure it's surrounded by a grotesque corpulent mass, but that does not lessen its glory--even I am beholden to it. So please, let's hope that this committee which is not funded or controlled by the U.S. in any way will come back to its senses and do what we want it to do: Recognize our magnificent, war-mongering, birth-control-hating, xenophobic Republican penises. They deserve it."