Wednesday, January 6, 2010


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What is Internet Dating?  

Internet dating: Let’s begin with what it is not.  It is not like a journey into The Heart of Darkness—rather, it is a journey into Your Heart of Darkness.  It is indeed ‘Nature, red in tooth and claw.’ You have looked down at the the monster and now seeing it stare back at you—or is that your own reflection?  It's something too horrible for glance at for a moment, much less gaze upon, and yet like some hapless traveler stranded in a wasteland, still you are tortured by enticing visions of flowing water in the distance—still you must peer again and again—for against hopelessness still you breathe and therefore hope there still must be.  Or so you tell yourself.  But that passes and then again you wonder if what you see is a mirage or a nightmare.  Or is it real? This question you ask yourself and scream in anguish and horror.  Visions of blind darkness-dwellers in a cave, groping and grasping and gnawing and fighting for every last bit of sustenance and joy begin haunting your dreams, and then, your waking hours, until you hate everyone everywhere, all women, all men, even your DVD collection becomes.  Time and space lose all meaning as you sense every step will be your last.  You realize it will not be long till you shall perish from exhaustion or a chance misstep off a precipice.  And then, at long last, it is over—your ISP cancels your service for hosting too much lezzie porn.

Only then do you finally collapse to the floor, helpless to move, and a concerned neighbor or relative might find you before you expire.  And it is then that you can see that Love is beautiful, beautiful light, more awe-inspiring than the the Aurora Borealis or the rings of Saturn, and  that is precisely when a sweaty fat guy clobbers you with a baseball bat and takes off with your wallet and drives off in your car.

During your prolonged recuperation, you can only assume that when Lovecraft spoke of his visions of the Old Ones, he really meant  The truth, of course, is that Internet dating websites were initially conceived--if not actually created by--Nazi scientists working with concentration camp doctors and dentists.  And you will have a great deal of time to think of such things….Recovery is long, slow, and difficult, requiring many months of rest and recuperation at a British country manor, on a veranda and buried under many layers of wool, slowly sipping very dilute tea in your enfeebled state, staring blankly for countless hours at the lawn and shrubbery maze, reading Byron or Homer or Richard Dawkins and trying to forget the horror.

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