"But I still have the tax returns somewhere," said the beloved Daily Show host in a public statement. Americans seemed unconvinced. "How can I trust a man who doesn't have every number he's ever used?" cried out Fox News Bloviator Bill O'Reilly, shrieking in a howl of pain and horror like a wounded animal trying to crawl to a warm hole in which to die. "Would you trust a man who doesn't ask us to kill abortionists and loses receipts?" Another man who refused to give his name fell to his knees upon hearing that news and screamed, "NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH." He then began knashing his teeth and pulling tore out his hair, waving at imagined demons and shouted, "This isn't topical!"